Finding My Lost Self [to be edited]

Chapter 30 - Wow, dude. You're whipped.

Tyler's P.O.V

I looked at Sam in amusement as she turned so that she was laying on her stomach, her face to the ground. This girl was impossible. Did she think that this was some sort of hiding or something.


A smirk made it's way to my face as I made a tiny plan to get her to move. I approached her carefully before I kneeled down beside her.


"Are you planing to get up and look at me any time soon?" I asked.


She was silent for a few seconds before I could hear her voice. "Just go away," She said. Though  there was something wrong with her voice. It was as if she was sobbing silently. The sound itself gave my heart a helpless broken feeling.


My smirk appeared once again and I extended my hand to pinch the side of her waist. It was quite obvious that she was ticklish on numerous occasions. As soon as I touched it, she rolled and snapped up immediately to sit on the ground.


She a had on her waist as she sent a deadly glare in my direction. I couldn't help but chuckle at her face. She looked so cute when she was mad.


She narrowed her eyes at me, which made me laugh even more. "You're mean," She commented.


"Yeah whatever," I said with a sheepish grin. Her hair was wet from the rain that had gotten heavier by now. Her face was tear streaked and her nose and cheeks were flushed. I couldn't help but think of how cute she looked at the moment.


Wow, dude. You're whipped.


Yeah, I am.


I found myself replying to that voice that popped into my head whenever it just felt like it.


No, stupid. I come whenever you need me.


Where the hell did you even come from?!


I found myself asking. Great, now I was subjecting my subconscious as another person. As if I was in need to going mad.


Note that she probably hates you, now. Chimed that pissy irritating voice.


Gee, thanks for the reminder. I thought bitterly.


"Sam, I..." I trailed off. She looked at me expectantly. But I didn't know what to say.


"I'm sorry." I said simply. To be honest, I didn't know what to say so I just said that. Hoping that it would make it better. I've never dealt before with a crying girl who was sitting on the floor so I was sure that I sucked at it.


I always ruined stuff, didn't I? Why did I have to kiss her, huh? Was I really becoming such a hormonal bastard? Couldn't I just kiss her in the dark like I did at the dance?


But no!! I just had to let her know who I was. She probably hated me now. I knew that she was already devastated when I went to see her. And now that, all I did was making it worse.


"For what, Tyler?" She asked. She grief in her voice made me feel guilty. I hated guilt. It made me feel like a damn chick.


"I-" I started but she cut me off when she started talking again. "For lying and acing as if you didn't know me? Or for making me waste my nights crying and staring at a piece of paper? Or for staling my first kiss then running without me even knowing your name?" She said.


I swallowed nervously as the last sentence left her lips. I never knew that it was her first kiss. Now I was worried. I knew pretty well how girls went all emotional about first kisses and all that shit.


Uh oh. She probably hates your guts right now. My subconscious sing-songed in an annoying way.


"I didn't know-" I started but she cut me off once again.


"You know what it felt like having my first kiss stolen? By someone whom I didn't even know his name?! I felt filthy. I hated myself and I felt cheap and just plain filthy," She said, her tears were now flowing freely down her face. More than I ever saw them tonight.


I could feel a pang in my chest, knowing that I was the reason of all of this. She was upset and miserable because of me. I loved her, but all I did was make her cry.


That was exactly why I couldn't tell her who I was. I knew that she would hate me. Even if it was a normal kiss like I thought, I knew that she would hate me for it. And now that I knew it was her first kiss, well, imagine how angry she could have been.


My hair was dyed brown that summer. It was a prank my cousins had done. And I took advantage of it. Now that my hair was back to it's natural black color, I was hoping that she wouldn't be able to recognize me with all the changes I had gone through during puberty.


But for some reason, the way she looked made me regret all of it. I knew that she was upset. And it was all because of me.


"Sam, I'm really sorry. Believe me I really am." I said pleadingly. As if she would just magically smile and laugh.


"Well, guess what, Tyler." She said with a weak smile, another tear rolled down her face. "Sorry doesn't fix anything." Her voice was broken this time. I could sense her pain.


It was like the pain when I knew that my uncle had killed my own parents. The pain I felt when I watched them die before my eyes. It was all the pain I had felt when my grandma was dying. It was pain, but it was mixed with disappointment. It was the worst type of pain.


Oh, look at you, now. Thinking like a chick. Said that voice in my head.


I mentally rolled my eyes at it. This wasn't the time for that at all.


No, it's always the time for me. Without me, you'd be doomed, mister. I could hear it argue.


Oh, wow. So you're my mom, now?


No, I'm just reasoning with you. It stated arrogantly.


Just sod off, will you? I thought then I tried my best to shut it out. I seriously needed to stop having weird arguments with my own subconscious. I didn't want to end up at the loony house.


"Just go, Tyler." Sam's voice snapped me out of my trance. I looked at her and she was getting up. I got up quickly when she started walking. I took a few long strides before I could get hold her wrist.


She looked at me then at her hand, "Leave me alone." She said dryly. I was taken aback by her tone. I noticed that this was the tone I had been using with her at the beginning of the school year. She was quite the learner, wasn't she?


"No," I said defiantly with a smirk.


"Tyler Matthews, let me go at this moment." She said slowly in a threatening voice. I had the urge to chuckle at her, she looked so cute when she was trying to act scary- although sometimes she really was quite scary.


She glared up at me, "You're a bastard," She said as she shrugged her wrist from my hand. But instead of running away, she just looked up at me, anger flaring through her eyes.


"Why, Tyler, why?" She asked. Sadness was starting to show in her voice.


"I knew that you'd hate me, Sam," I said then I pursed my lips together. I looked down at her lips, her lover lip was quivering. Her eyes were dull and she looked so upset. I groaned inwardly. Why did she have to complicate things? I really wanted to kiss her but I knew that she would just run away.


"Just go, Tyler," She said once again, the rain was heavy, now and we were both wet already. I extended my hand and tucked a stray strand of her wet hair behind her ear.


"What do you want from me?" She asked desperately as she knotted her eyebrows together. If she only knew what she did to me. She was beautiful, and she didn't even care to know it.


"Honestly, I don't know." I said and I looked into her eyes.  They were chocolatey and warm, but sad at the same time. I could tell she was looking for answers like she always did, but for once, I didn't look away. I was looking for answers as well.


We just stood there, staring into each other's eyes like dumb weirdos for a few moments. And without even knowing what I was doing, I was already closer to her and my hands were cupping her face. My thumb drew small circles on her soft cheek that was now flushed from the cold rain and crying.


My eyes travelled through her face, memorizing every single detail as the rain drops ran down her face. She was beautiful. And for some reason, the thought of her not being mine did hurt like hell.


"Just let me go," She said in a low voice.


"Why?"


"I need to go home, it's raining." She said. I could tell she was nervous from her tone. It felt good that she felt nervous when I was close to her.


I could smell her sweet breath close to me. It smelled of cherries. Every thing about her smelled of cherries for some reason. God, even her lips tasted like cherries. She was like a lovely, oreo obsessed, little cherry.


Man, I think you'll become gay soon. What's with the emotional shit?


That annoying voice snapped me out of my trance once again. I had the urge to jsut yell at it. What was with it and always chiming in at the very wrong times?


I sighed and pursed my lips into a line. A few seconds later, I felt her hands on mine, removing them from her face, and placing them at my sides.


"I'm so sorry, Tyler. I just..." She started, tears were still rolling down her face along with the rain drops. I could see them even through the heavy rain. "I need to be alone." She shook her head then just started to walk away.


I stood there, watching as her figure got smaller and smaller. I felt like a sack of potatoes at the moment. Just standing there uselessly, doing nothing at all.


Although I knew that she was upset, there was still this little hope inside me. The hope that maybe, she did love me back. Rejection was bad enough, and I didn't want to go through that too many times. I was hoping that maybe she could just forgive and forget. Even if she chooses to friend zone me. I would still be there. Her life was bad enough at the moment, and I didn't want to make it worse.


Yeah, 'cause you finally realized you did love her. But it was too late, idiot. The voice in my head popped up once again.


'As if I needed a reminder.' I thought back at it. 


To be honest, I felt like a nut case talking to my subconscious. But I started to get used to it always pissing me off.


Yeah whatever, let's go home. I'm hungry.


And that was probably the first time that I had ever agreed with it. I started walking back to get my car and leave. I had left it a few blocks away from Samantha's house.


Samantha..


I was going to give her time alone, that was for sure. I screwed up everything. I knew she could never be mine but still I blew away my identity. And apparently, that had left a scar inside her But I hoped with all my heart that she didn't hate my guts right now.


I really needed to stop stealing kisses from this girl.