Part 2 of "In The Woods When First We Met"

228. Two Very Different Things (Trigger Warning/Rated M)

"Weren't you scared?" she whispered, looking at her. But she didn't wait for Lydia to answer her question. Instead, she suddenly exclaimed, sounding almost disgusted- "I don't understand how you can be all right with him doing that to you!"

"It isn't something he does to me. It's something we do together. Because we want to."

"Well, I don't ever want to do that again," Anne said, shaking her head resolutely.

"You don't want to do it again? Anne, you've never done it at all!"

Anne bit her lip.

"But if you really don't want to, you don't have to. It's meant to be a choice, not something to be forced upon you."

That made Anne feel better.

"On the other hand," Lydia began, "Don't avoid getting married because you're afraid of intimate relations. Because the beauty of being in love and spending your life with that person, that beauty far outweighs the fear you feel. When you're with the right person, eventually you'll want to be closer to them. I know it's hard to imagine wanting that now. But it won't be the same."

And suddenly Anne felt angry. Her voice shaking, she argued, "But it is the same! Because it's still...it's still him putting his...his..." Anne was unable to find a word, and shook her head in frustration, repeating: "How could that not be the same?"

Lydia responded, her eyes looking deep into Anne's:

"Is a day of sailing on the lake just the same on a calm day as it is during a storm? After all, either way, you're still doing the same thing- sailing- aren't you?"

She smiled as she could see that taking meaning to Anne.

"The violation that was done to us was not intimate relations. It's a gross misappropriation of it. It's someone using intimate relations in a way it wasn't meant to be used. That's all."

Shakily, Anne told her, "But I have this friend- a grown up friend, named Emily. She's married. I tried to ask her what it was like, and you know what she said? She said it feels nice! I told her I didn't believe her, that it couldn't possibly feel good! And I told Marilla what I thought, too, and Marilla said, 'Oh, I'm sure it isn't the same'. ...But how can anybody tell me that?!"

"Because it's true, Anne."

"No, that's not what I mean," Anne shook her head, frustrated, "I'm saying- I'm saying that they can't know."

Lydia replied, "Well it's my understanding that Miss Cuthbert never married, but your friend Emily surely has experience, so-"

"But she can't know, either!" Anne tried to explain, still frustrated that her feelings couldn't be understood. "Just because she has experience, it doesn't mean she- she-"

"Anne, take a breath, all right?" Lydia said gently. "A couple good, deep breaths. And then try to tell me."

Anne took a gulp of air and tried again, slower this time. She thought of a different way to explain what she meant: "If I've only ever eaten apples, and they've only ever eaten pears, then how can they tell me an apple isn't the same as a pear? I don't know what pears are like, and they don't know what apples are like."

Lydia finally understood: "Ah, I see. No one you've talked to has experienced it both ways."

"Yes!" she breathed out, relieved that someone finally understood. But then- tears coming fresh- she burst out with, "This is all I know!"