In a Heartbeat (MxM)

Chapter 6

I almost smiled, Xavier was still the same as when he was fourteen. He rambled often when he was flustered or trying to explain something. It was a little quirk of his, that was completely different from his usual stoic demeanor.

"It's okay," I reassured him.

His eyes seemed to light up in relief. "Anyways, how have you been?"

Not fine, I almost wanted to say. As much as I hated to admit it, I was a complete wreck. Both physically and emotionally, despite how much I denied it.

"Could be better," I opted. His elated mood dropped as if he was genuinely upset at my response.

He scooted closer toward me before plopping his head back down on the cave floor. "Look, I can't begin to imagine what you went through, and it's not much, but for what it's worth, I'm sorry about what happened. I know you probably won't ever forgive my brother, but I hope you can forgive the pack as well as yourself. It isn't your fault, and the pack doesn't-"

A guttural growl echoed throughout the cave, cutting Xavier's rant off. Truthfully I was grateful, I didn't like his pity, despite seeming genuine, I didn't want his apology, the only apology I ever wanted was from his brother directly. Although I appreciated his concern, it's not like he could go back in time and change what happened.

Immediately Xavier's body tensed as he got up and looked to see a large dark brown wolf, hair standing up as he kept growling. At first, I hadn't recognized who it was until I looked at the pair of orange eyes. When I finally realized, my entire body froze, fear consuming any coherent thoughts. I suddenly felt like I was back in one of those nightmares, the events leading up to my family's death replaying over my head.

The look of Lucas's orange eyes, still as harsh as the day I left. I felt paralyzed minus the uncontrollable shaking as I was trapped between the cave, Xavier and now Lucas.

Xavier has growled back in a way that rivaled Lucas's, which only made me panic more. Through my muddled thoughts, Xavier had seemed to block my view of Lucas, growling even further. I couldn't make out what they were arguing about or if they had just been communicating through the pack link. All I knew was that I wanted to leave. I didn't want to be caught in the middle of this any longer. Although I could see out the mouth of the cave, sneaking out past them was impossible.

So instead I curled up as far into the little cavern as possible, the scraggy wall jabbing into my back and shoulder.

There were a few deafening barks and snarls, but for the most part, it had been them growling at each other. I tried to stop my shaking, as I shit my eyes as hard as possible in a futile attempt at trying not to witness everything all over again. Instead, I tried thinking about something happier. Most happy memories consisted my family, which wasn't something I wanted to think about with Lucas here, so I thought about the next happiest person.

Cedar's face popped into my head. As much as I found his clingy, way too happy-go-lucky personality sometimes annoying, he had always been there to lighten the mood. Despite being so young and growing up without his parents, Cedar was such a bubbly and positive person that it sometimes hurt to watch. Part of him reminded me of some of my own younger siblings who were high energy, and way too optimistic about life.

It felt like an eternity before the growling ceased and the tension I held in my body released. I slowly peeked my head out only to find, to my surprise, that both of the betas had left.

I waited for a while until I deemed it safe to leave the cave, before venturing out near the lake. My stomach was protesting for food, and with the increasingly colder temperature, it was probably best I go hunting before the small game went into hiding. I looked around to see that the two wolves had indeed vanished.

I knew a lot of hares preferred their homes at the foot of the mountain, where the small stream had traversed into the lake. I followed the perimeter of the lake until I came across the stream, finding that the water was frosting over. There was a few fish circling around, while others were already frozen.

It wasn't the first time I spent a winter in the mountains away from Aspen and Cedar, but it sure wasn't a pleasant experience. There had been a blizzard a few winters ago, and I had been stuck for quite a few weeks until the snow melted enough to leave. Luckily I snagged a few hares to last me, but I had begged Aspen to order a bunch of food once I returned.

I kept walking toward the spot I knew had some rabbit dens while I pondered what Aspen would say to me when I returned. He'd probably get mad and rant about why I shouldn't have left and just stayed. He'd probably shadow me around the motel, watching my every movement like a hawk. I wouldn't doubt that he'd probably stay up all night and question everything I'm doing like an overprotective parent.

I didn't understand why Aspen had this need to watch over me when I've told him time and time again that despite being covered in blood, it was never enough to see a doctor or get stitches. It would heal up every time. And a part of me during those episodes probably knew to never cut that deep, as if it was fatal, it wouldn't just kill me, but eventually kill Vince; despite how much I wanted him to feel an inkling of what I am feeling, I didn't wish this pain or death on anyone. Not only would he suffer, but so would the pack, and I didn't want them to suffer because of me anymore.

And in a way I was causing Aspen and Cedar to suffer because of it, which is why it should be reasonable if I leave them, even if for a couple of weeks. Cedar still had the chance to experience life with a mate, he didn't need to witness all this drama. His optimism on life shouldn't be ruined because of me, and Aspen shouldn't have to fret over another person, he was already dealing with raising Cedar.

As I got closer to the dens a sharp bark rang out from the treelines startling me out of my thoughts. I crouched down, looking for this source, only to be surprised when a young wolf stumbled out of the bushes.