Do You See Me Now? ?

Chapter 21 - The Memories

But that very day, things reminded Jesse of Loek. Not just the graffiti art that stood out against its surroundings. Whenever he stared up towards the sky, he'd see Loek's blue eyes; not Calix' eyes.

The sun reminded him of Loek's light blond hair. The park he had passed on his way here reminded him of the day he was kicked out by Felipe, and Loek had offered him a place to stay.

The smoothies they had bought about an hour ago reminded Jesse of his first ever meeting with Loek, when he had been mixing cocktails.

Jesse let out a deep sigh, leaning his chin on a hand. He was an overthinker, with everything. First and foremost, because of his ever-growing curiosity. Even when he was a kid he always wanted to know more, learn more, know why things happened and how they happened.

Second of all, he had kept secrets for so long, that he needed to overthink his words to prevent from blurting out the wrong things.

And now he couldn't stop overthinking Loek and Calix, and his shifting interest in both boys.

If he thought about it, he had to admit that he still cared about Calix' opinion, but not because he was obsessed with getting his attention. No, he cared about it because Calix was his best friend, and his support meant the world to him. But it no longer mattered more to him than Axel's approval.

Loek's opinion, however, seemed to become more important each day. Jesse thought before he acted, because he didn't want to hurt Loek by doing stupid things.

And not hurting Loek wasn't about yes or no getting kicked out of their apartment. No, it was about Loek's feelings, and the fact that Jesse cared about him—a lot.

Jesse wanted nothing more than to forget about Calix, move on, and fall in love with someone else. But now that it was happening, Jesse felt nervous. This was unknown territory to him. He had been in love with Calix for so long, that it was familiar, safe, easy. He had known Calix long enough to never wonder what he was thinking; he knew the other boy's thought process.

But Loek? Loek was different. He was adventurous, he was mischievous, he was new. Jesse didn't know what to expect. He couldn't predict Loek's behaviour like he could with Calix.

Besides, with Calix it had been safe because he was straight, and Jesse knew nothing would ever happen. They wouldn't get together. But whatever there was between Loek and him, it could happen. He could fall in love with Loek, and Loek could return the feelings. And that meant Jesse could decide to open up to the boy, and possibly end up getting hurt. Because with love, there was always a risk of getting hurt.

Intentionally, or unintentionally, it could happen.

And Jesse wasn't sure if he was ready to dive into a new romantic adventure. He wasn't even sure if Loek wanted more than just sleeping together. He had no idea what Loek's vision on relationships was, and if he liked Jesse more than just physical attraction.

"What are you thinking about?" Calix voice sounded like music in his ears, but while Jesse usually felt like melting whenever he heard his voice, he didn't have the same feeling then. He felt giddy, yes. Calix affected him still. Jesse didn't expect that to change anytime soon.

But things were changing nonetheless, and it was in the little things, not the obvious things about Calix that were still enchanting Jesse. It wasn't his voice, it wasn't his smile, it wasn't his eyes.

It was in the details, like the butterflies in Jesse's stomach that fluttered their wings weakly, instead of creating a storm.

He turned to look Calix' in his eyes, sighed and shrugged a shoulder.

"Hey, no more secrets, remember?" Calix nudged him with an elbow. "I'm here for you, remember?"

"We are," Axel joined, sitting down on his other side.

"So, what's occupying your mind today?"

Jesse rolled his eyes before he cast them down, staring at the concrete beneath his feet. Then he shyly admitted, "Loek Lindenberg."