Running With Scissors

*Insert Corny Title Here*

Peter tried to pat the assassin's back in assurance, but the glistening shine of his sweat made him reel back instead. "Don't worry; I've seen enough movies to know where this is going. This is a classic 'The Most Dangerous Game' situation. Rich man tries to hunt us, we run away, and so on. All we have to do is lay down some traps and we wait for them to fall in them."

"If Peter tells," said Massimo. "Need break handcuffs first."

"And find some weapons," said Peter. "A knife would be ideal."

"Or flamethrower!" said Massimo. "Best weapon. R2, R2, R1, R2, L1, R2, LEFT, DOWN, RIGHT, UP, LEFT DOWN, RIGHT, UP. Instant weapon."

"I doubt we're gonna find a flamethrower in the middle of the jungle."

"Massimo on jungle?" said Massimo. "How is Peter know?"

"I mean, it's the perfect hunting ground," said Peter.

Suddenly, the doors to the truck opened up, letting Peter look how wrong he actually was.

Far from any kind of jungle, he suddenly found himself in the middle of a cornfield. Green, tall, and as far as his eyes could see. There was nothing within miles but corn. There were some buildings up in the distance, but even Peter knew he was not fit enough to reach it if he ran. The only thing close to him was a water tower, but that was a poor hiding place since one Jeremiah P. Finkle had already called dibs on it.

"Step out of the vehicle," he said through a megaphone. Next to him was a servant holding a tray of iced tea glasses. He looked malnourished and underpaid. Probably an intern.

"No smell of forest," said Massimo, whose eyesight had been reduced to the insides of a plastic fetish item. "Smell of corn flakes and vegans."

"Toto," said Peter. "We're in Kansas."

"Am Massimo," said Massimo.

"Welcome, preys," said Jeremiah, "to your grave!"

"Excuse me," said Peter. "I have a question."

Jeremiah took a glass of iced tea and threw it at Peter. It missed. "Preys cannot talk."

"But I have a question."

"I said no," stated Jeremiah.

"Why are we in a cornfield?" asked Peter. "Shouldn't we be in a forest?"

Jeremiah placed the megaphone down, half-whispering at Peter. "I couldn't book the forest on such short notice, okay?"

"I roll a d20 to pity you," said Peter.

"I said I'm not a dungeon master!"

Massimo raised his hand as well. "Massimo am have question. Why Massimo naked?"

"Because it's your nature as a prey to be stripped down to your bare minimum! You're nothing but filthy animal to be hunted down!"

"Yes, yes," said Massimo, shaking his mask up and down. "And how mask?"

"Because you must be punished for trying to kill our prey before the hunt even began."

"And why is he handcuffed to me?" asked Peter. "Final question, I swear."

Jeremiah made a sound halfway between a grunt and a sigh and placed the megaphone down yet again. "I only rented this place for three hours, okay? I don't want to drag this off more than I have to. Keeping you two together will make this more expedite."

"That's not very cash-money," said Peter.

Jeremiah cleared his throat once again, pressing the megaphone against his lips. "As I was saying: Welcome to today's hunt! The rules are simple."