What Are We Doing?

Emma eventually told Ruby the truth about what happened between her and Killian. She decided she could finally trust her best friend with the story. However, she knew she'd need some liquid courage before she was able to talk about it so she was already on her fourth drink.

"Killian and I met at a bar about seven years ago.. He was just out of the Royal Navy and came to America for a fresh start.. He was bartending and getting a masters degree." Emma sighed.

"Did you start dating then?" Ruby asked.

"No, it hadn't been long since I left Neal. But we became friends.. I would go to the bar just to talk to him, and then we ran into each other outside of the bar.. And had coffee, and he.. He was a good guy.." Emma took a breath.

"He would hang out with David, Mary Margaret, and his friends Robin and Regina and me.. And.. It was always easy with him." She shrugged. "Then he tells me he doesn't want to go back home, and his green card was about to expire.."

Ruby nodded, and took Emma's hand. "Wait.. Emma.."

"It was stupid, but I told him we should just get married, and then he'll be able to stay, and eventually apply for citizenship. He was my best friend and I didn't want to lose him.." Emma shrugged. "So we did.. He was my best friend so it wasn't difficult to convince Immigration that we knew each other well enough to be engaged.." She sighed.

"You married him? Killian is your ex-husband? Wow.." Ruby squeezed her hand. "Did you actually have a relationship, outside of your friendship, that wasn't fake?"

Emma nodded. "Yes.. A month or so after we were married, he had done something so special for me and I couldn't hold back anymore.. He was my best friend, and it was different with him than it's been with any other guy."

"Different how, Ems?"

"I loved him, and he was the only guy who acted like he was lucky to have me and didn't try to make me feel like I should be lucky he even looks at me.." Emma admitted. "When our agreement had come to its end, it was just after Liam's accident. I told him to go and that I would join him if he needed me. His brother needed him, and I knew he'd be miserable unless he saw Liam for himself.."

"And what happened? I'm assuming you didn't go to London?" Ruby asked.

She shook her head. "No, I didn't.. Instead, he sent me the divorce papers like we'd originally agreed, and apologized for leaving.. He told me he didn't want to hold me back.. So instead he crushed me. He was supposed to come home that day.." Emma tried to blink back her tears.

"Oh, Emma.. I'm so sorry he did that to you." Ruby pulled her into a hug. "Is it possible you're only mad he showed up again because you still love him?"

She rubbed her hand over her face. "I.. I don't know, Rubes.. There's something not even my brother or sister-in-law know.. Nor does Killian.. And it makes this even harder." She said softly.

"If you want to tell me, I'll listen.. And I won't tell David.." Ruby assured her.

Emma nodded a little. "I.. A few weeks after Killian was supposed to come home, but sent me divorce papers instead, I.. I found out I was pregnant.." She said, barely loud enough for Ruby to hear, tears falling down her cheeks.

"You were pregnant? Why didn't you tell anyone, Em?" Ruby asked softly.

"I called Killian a lot.. He deserved to know, I don't think he would've just left me and our child,  his child.. But then.. Because of the stress and everything I.. I lost the baby at nine weeks.." She admitted, as Ruby reached up and wiped the tears from her cheeks. "I was devastated, and I couldn't tell David, he would've flown to London and killed Killian."

"Thank you for trusting me with that, Emma.. I'm so sorry you lost your baby." Ruby hugged her friend, letting her cry softly for a bit.

Once she felt Emma get a handle on her tears she spoke again. "Can I be honest with you, Emma?"

Emma nodded a little. "I guess.." She knew she might not like what Ruby was about to tell her, but she would listen anyways. She missed Killian more than anything, even if she would never admit how much.

"I've talked to Killian some, and even though he agreed to go on that blind date with you, not knowing it was you, I could tell that his heart was elsewhere.. Somewhere I don't think he's even really admitted to himself. Now that I know more about your history with him, it's clear that he came back for you."

Emma sighed. "But he chose not to come back to me then, and not to ask me to come with him. He chose to follow through on something we hadn't thought about for a while.. We hadn't talked about it, but I figured he felt how I did.. That he wanted to stay married." She said softly.

"Do you really think he still loves me?" She looked up at her friend.

Ruby nodded. "Of course, Emma. I brought him to family dinner and he offered immediately to leave so that he didn't upset you. Even though he had been told it was fine he could stay. Then he left early because he could tell you weren't enjoying yourself. That he was making you uncomfortable.."

"I.. I love him, Ruby. I never stopped loving him. I'm pissed at him for leaving me, but I still love him and it's infuriating." Emma mumbled.

This is the first time she's admitted the truth to herself or anyone. She loved him, and it made her mad that he still had so much control over her heart.

Ruby leaned over and hugged Emma again. "I'm sorry, Ems.. But I think that you should give yourself a chance to be happy, just keep that in mind for me?"

Emma nodded a little. "I.. I'm not ready to forgive him yet.. But I guess he does deserve to know about my pregnancy.. Our baby.." She admitted softly.

"Do you want me or Dorothy to be there? I don't mind, in case he gets upset or something. I just don't want you to put your walls up higher than they already are." Ruby pulled her legs underneath her, turning to face Emma on the couch.

"You don't have to come, he would never hurt me physically. I let him behind my walls, and then he left.. I just don't know if I can do it again." Emma mumbled, she was worried she'd let him back in and he'd hurt her again. She didn't think she could survive it a second time.

"You deserve closure, Ems.. Remember how I told you how I lost Peter? I wasn't able to let myself be happy until I was able to get the closure I needed, and all I could do was just tell someone about it.." Ruby said softly. "But Killian is still around for you to talk to, to get your closure from.."

Emma nodded a little and looked at her best friend. "I'm sorry I never told you I was married to Killian.. I'll think about talking to him, I just don't know if I'll ever be ready.."

Ruby gave her a small smile. The girls spent the rest of the night on Emma's couch just watching movies and talking and laughing, Ruby trying to keep Emma's mind off Killian.