Void // Billie Eilish

Twenty Two

"Wanna talk it through again?" she asks and cups my cheek, her thumb gently rubbing my cheekbone.

I shake my head ever so slightly, not wanting to disrupt the comforting feeling of her hand on my cheek. 

"No, I'm ready now."

She looks deeply into my eyes for a moment, as if she's checking if I mean it. She must decide that I do because she pulls her hand back.

"I'll go get the doctor," she says and places a sweet kiss on my lips before getting up from her chair and walking out of the room.

She comes back a moment later with the doctor, and he sits back down in his chair across from mine.

"Are you ready?" he asks and I nod, prompting him to take a pill from a tray on the counter and a cup of water.

"Here you go," he says as he passes me them, and I take them with slightly shaky hands. I'm nervous, but also sure of what I'm doing at the same time, if that even makes sense.

"This is it?" I ask and look up at him.

"For now, yes. I'll send you out with 4 more pills that you'll take in the next 24 to 48 hours. After that all you have to do is get a pregnancy test like we talked about. You're lucky you're just under 10 weeks pregnant, otherwise we'd have to do the surgical method," he answers and I nod after soaking in all his words.

I look down at the pill in my hand and take a moment to compose myself before popping it into my mouth and quickly washing it down with a swig of water.

I don't know how to explain the feeling of that pill going down. Not the physical feeling, that was exactly what you'd expect. But the feeling that I likely just terminated my pregnancy is a strange one.

I'm not sad. I'm not guilty. I'm just wondering what if, and I don't know if that'll ever go away. I hope it does, I think what if's are a waste of time.

I finish the rest of the little cup of water then toss it into the trash, and the doctor passes me an orange bottle with four little pills in it.

"So, again, within the next 24-48 hours you should take these. Don't swallow them, let them dissolve in your cheeks. After that, wait a week or two then get a test. That's all," he says as I examine the pills in the bottle.

"Got it," I confirm and stuff the bottle into the large pocket of my hoodie. "Thank you."

He explains what will be happening inside my body over the next few days before sending me on my way, and Lex and I then walk hand in hand to the waiting room.

Everyone gives me a hug before we all walk out together. Lexi and I don't hold hands in case there are any paps around, which makes me sad.

"I have a surprise for you," Lexi tells me as we walk back to the car, and I can hear the excitement in her voice. "But if you're not up to doing shit right now I'll call it off and we can just cuddle in your bunk and watch The Office."

"No, I think a proper distraction will be good," I say and she smiles excitedly. "What is it?"

"Do you not know what surprise means, princess?" she teases and opens the passenger side door for me to one of the cars while my parents, Finn, and Claudia get into the other one.