FOR ALL TIME

36. Let Truth Set You Free

Michael opened the other envelope and it was the sonogram.  He started crying as he looked at the pictures.  It took him a few minutes to get himself together to finish the letter.

My doctor told me to go back the next morning for another checkup.  The baby no longer had a heartbeat when I got there and...he asked me if I wanted a D&C...I don't know if you know what that is but basically asked if I wanted him to take it out or have a natural miscarriage at home. I wanted to do it naturally as you would probably guess.  I kind of knew what to expect from learning about it in school. I didn't want it to happen at the ranch so I flew to New York.  Ironically, my mother told me she would be there with me whenever it happened.  I just prayed it wouldn't happen when Natalie was home. Waiting for it to actually happen though was dreadful.  I started cramping one night, when I was playing with Natalie and I just left her and locked myself in the bathroom. It was horrible but they went away after an hour and I fell asleep.  Then the next morning, September 23, is when it happened.  I was talking to LaVelle on the phone and the pains came back stronger and harder and faster and I hung up on him and called my mother and she came to the house right away.  The pain was horrible and you know how I hate to take medicine but I took a heavy painkiller but it didn't help much.  I don't want to go into details and get graphic but it happened in the tub and I waited for the fetus to pass and when it finally did I freaked out because it was so clearly a baby. I picked it up and held it in the palm of my hand and my mom was there with me while it all was happening in the bathroom.  I really wish you were there even though you probably would've freaked out too.  She was grossed out I guess and said I was crazy.  She wasn't making anything better.  She told me to flush it down the toilet and I fought with her on it and then that's when she left. You probably think I'm crazy too but you don't understand how I felt at that moment.  I can't even explain it. I was in shock and I didn't even feel pain anymore just numbness. I was sitting in a tub full of blood holding my dead baby in the palm of my hand. I'm sorry, I know I said I wouldn't go into details...you probably stopped reading the letter by now.  I keep taking breaks writing this because I can't stop crying.

Well I feel like I already said too much.  I didn't want to go into graphic details. Sorry.  And I wanted to take it to the lab to get testing done and find out the sex of the baby and if the chromosomes were normal. I was going crazy but I finally realized that would make it worst.  So I flushed the toilet to give my mom the impression that I disposed of it that way.  She called it a product of conception and said it wasn't a baby and I did the right thing. Secretly though, I had it cremated.  I keep its ashes in a sealed beautiful heart shaped locket.  I thought it was the right thing to do.  The baby was almost four months. I would've felt bad flushing it or burying it somewhere.  I don't wear it though. I keep it on a teddy bear that sits on my dresser.  In Neverland, it was it in my closet so you never noticed it.

But I'm sorry.  I blame myself for it happening.  As a woman I should've known my body.  I should've known I was pregnant. I think maybe I could've prevented it.  I don't know why it happened.  But that's why I wanted to have a baby so bad.  I felt something missing in my life and all I wanted was to be a mother.  The experience really broke me. I'm so sorry for being distant.  I was just really going insane with everything happening.  I hope you forgive me now. And I wish I could've told you about this sooner. I really miss you right now.  I'm also sorry for freaking out on you about settling the case.  I over reacted.  I'm so sorry and I love you so much still but you already moved on.  I still can't believe you're married.  We we're together five years and engaged forever. You wasted no time marrying her though. I guess she must really be something special.  But I learned to tell myself that if I really love you I have to let you be happy and you're obviously happy with her so I wish you the best on your marriage and future family.  You're going to be a great father and I say that with tears running down my face right now but I mean it.  I have to let you go and live your life.  I don't even know if you're going to get this letter right away or if you're going to stick it in your read later pile.  After you read this though, if you ever, you don't have to call me and confirm anything.  Me writing this letter and sending it to you is my closure and the end of this depression I got going on.

So I didn't leave you because you settled the case or because I was cheating on you and I never lost interest in you.  It was complicatedly because I miscarried our child and I went into a state of shock and depression for a period of time and accidentally forgot to be there for you when you needed me most and then begged you for a child out of nowhere and gave you the wrong impression and then was too scared to tell you the truth about it because I didn't want to sadden you.  I'm willing to live with the fact that maybe I could still be with you if I opened my mouth. It's hard, really REALLY hard to move on from you and I don't know how I'm ever going to be able to date again. How the hell do you date Michael Jackson and then move on to someone else?  I don't even want to think about it anymore.  I'll probably be single for the rest of my life with a whole bunch of animals. Well I don't want to get off topic.  You have Lisa to worry about now and congrats on gaining two step kids. 

Well I'll always love you and maybe I'll see you again one day.  I don't know how I'll react but I promise I won't physically hurt you so don't be scared.  Love you.

Jasmine, the old future Mrs. Jackson

Michael was sick to his stomach, in tears, and felt his own heart breaking.  He was angry she didn't tell him.  He would still be with her and now he felt he was married to Lisa on the wrong impression of Jasmine.  Now that he knew the truth he wanted nothing but her.  He stared at the sonogram and cried even harder.  Because of the stupid allegations he wasn't there for her at a time where she needed him so he felt guilty himself.  He didn't know if he should call her or pretend he never read the letter.  He didn't know what to do...and his mind started wandering.  He took the letter and the sonogram and went down to his closet.  He unlocked his little secret door and placed the envelopes in it.  Then he grabbed a painting of Jasmine that was in there and stared at it in tears while he was down on his knees.  Flashbacks started running through his mind... of when he first saw her in the diner...when he first kissed her, under the stars in Neverland...when he first made love to her...when he proposed...when they danced together on stage... They had so many good memories and he knew he had the power to get her back in his life but he couldn't do that to Lisa.  She dedicated her life to him and he made a promise to her.  He had to make it work with her...or at least try.  He locked the door and walked out with his mind still wandering, thinking back to the moment when he promised Jasmine he would love her for all time.