Convergence - The Last Science #2.1 - In Plain Sight

B2: Chapter 13 - The Emerald City (Part III) - VIII

  When she finished, Cinza had sat up against the wall and was gazing into space thoughtfully.

  "I'm so sorry," Natalie said awkwardly. "I screwed everything up, didn't I?"

  "Not necessarily," Cinza said. As Natalie looked confused, Cinza turned to her. "I can't pretend that revealing magic wasn't a mistake, but it need not be a fatal one."

  Natalie blinked a few times. She wasn't sure if she was having trouble understanding because it was Cinza, or because she was so utterly exhausted. "...So what do I do?"

  "It's going to be hard, Jenny. You have to go back to school or you'll draw even more attention to yourself, but the scar on your face will do the same. If you wanted, we could retreat entirely, move you to another place, try another school, but I believe you don't want that. Am I correct?"

  Natalie hesitated, but the faces of her friends popped into her mind. Tyler and Steven, Mitch and Kelsey. Quinn. She didn't want to lose them, start over in a strange place with even more strange kids she didn't know. "I don't want to change schools."

  "And I don't think you should have to. This isn't your fault," Cinza added, pointing at the bandages on Natalie's face. "Remember that."

  "But how am I gonna keep it secret where it came from?"

  "You'll need to compartmentalize."

  "Com... what?"

  "It means to separate your feelings and your memories into specific categories and parts. When you are in one part of your life, act in one way, and when you come to another life, act differently there. You saw me tonight, didn't you?" Cinza gestured out to the city. "Among the homeless, I am Nina, just one of the crowd. Someone who doesn't make drama, who can be relied on as a quiet resident, who can be trusted to make a food run with money while others save a space." She gestured again, in a different direction. "On the corners, I am Candy, and you've already seen that life. In the churches, I am Theresa, and in the circles of high society I am Rose. Each of them has their own hopes and fears, their own friends and foes, but not one spills out of its compartment. Never do these lives touch, and none of them actually declare who I am."

  "I don't think I can do that," Natalie said doubtfully.

  "No, I don't believe you can," agreed Cinza with a sigh. Natalie felt a little indignant, but Cinza went on. "And to be honest, that's probably for the best. My life was such a shattered mess that I lost who was really me at the center. I wore so many faces and names, I nearly forgot my own. I only survived by pure chance. I got on the first train at the station and blindly let it take me away."

  "...To Rallsburg?"

  "Yes. There I shed every skin I'd ever worn and invented myself again, into the woman you see now." Cinza pulled out her robes from her bag, putting them on to keep warm against the night chill. With the soft, almost glowing silver, she finally looked like herself again. "Of course, that woman was insane and nearly got herself killed... but Ruby managed to balance me out eventually, " she added with a smile.

  Natalie felt a bit lost. Cinza was talking too much again. "So what am I supposed to do about Quinn?"

  "It's ultimately your decision, but I think you may risk letting him in." As Natalie's mouth fell open, Cinza nodded thoughtfully. "From how you described him, he seems mature enough to understand. People your age are much more capable than most give them credit, in my opinion."

  "I should tell him everything?"

  "Tell him as much or as little as you wish." Cinza shrugged. "You feel alone, don't you? Isn't that why you came to the city tonight? Because you had no one to turn to?"

  "...I guess."

  "I don't know your life, Jenny. I haven't gone through what you have, and I don't know your friends or your family. All I can tell you is what I've experienced. For me, stranded in a strange town surrounded by strange people and facing impossible things, I would have died had I not someone to share everything with."

  Natalie's face got hot. "You think I should be... like you and Ruby?"

  Cinza smiled. "If you want that, yes, but I mean for you to find a real friend. Someone you can confide in and trust." She laid down and closed her eyes. "Find that person, your own age, who you trust to keep your secrets and your confidence. Most problems in this world cannot be solved by one person alone. It's too big and we are all so small. We need each other. Tell that friend everything, and let them help you. That's the only way you can ever stay sane."

  They lay for a few minutes in silence. Natalie tried to see the stars, but of course with the lights of the city, she couldn't see anything at all in the patch of dark gray sky above them.

  "Why is the world so terrible?" she asked.

  Cinza didn't answer for a minute, and Natalie had to roll over to make sure she was still awake. Her eyes were also staring up at the empty sky.

  "The world isn't terrible, but there are people in it who make it worse than it should be," she finally murmured. "There are also people who make it better. We all strive to belong to the latter group, but I know I've been in the first group a few times. All you can do is try to be better, and hope that enough people around you are thinking the same way."

  Natalie wished she could feel like everyone around her was that way, as she assumed Cinza did, but it just didn't click. The world she'd seen was full of awful people doing horrible things to each other. No one really looked out for each other or helped each other. Even the people she thought she could rely on weren't there when she needed them. She didn't want any part of it, but she didn't see any way out of it either.

  And I'm one of them, just like Cinza. I made the world worse sometimes. I hurt people, I lied, I killed. I... I want to be like she said, but what if I can't?

  With that painful thought, Natalie curled up under her jacket and tried to go to sleep, laying in the corner of the concrete lot underneath an overhanging road, with only a strange girl she would never fully understand—and could only barely call friend—keeping her company through the night.

  You survived. Hold onto that, and never forget.