Me Without You

Chapter 21

"Whatever you do, please just be safe and careful," she kissed us and ran to work.

"Ready?"

"Let's turn up!" he screamed, grabbing my arm as we rushed outside.

God, I love this man.

*END OF FLASHBACK*

"Are you alright?"

I snapped out of my daze and nodded as I saw Darian handing me a drink and I took it, smiling up at him; but not really meaning it. I missed my best friend, but I didn't want to damper the mood.

The dance was amazing, everyone was having fun and here I was sitting in the corner; making my date look hopeless. "Come on," he grabbed my hand and brought me to the dance floor by our friends.

Friends?

I had friends and it felt so strange saying that, thinking or even seeing it. Man, Bennie would have laughed if he saw my new clique.

I felt a pang at my heart as I realized he never would. He would never experience this with me or experience anything new. 

They began to dance around me and I realized I had stopped moving as the sadness engulfed me completely. "I need air..." I began to panic as Darian got closer to me. "What?" he yelled over the loud music and I looked at him.

I didn't know if my face showed my true terror or despair, but I saw concern written over his face and he grabbed my hand, rushing me outside.

"Roxie?" he called out, as I ran away from him, as I struggled to breathe. "Talk to me," he begged.

"He's never going to be here anymore. He's never going to meet my kid. I only wanted one kid so that they can be best friends with his," I babbled and he watched me as I broke down. "We had a plan," I slapped my hands, "we had a strict plan. All we had was one more year and we would have been free," I began to sob and he reached for me.

"Roxie," he had no words and I didn't expect him to be anything but speechless, but it didn't help the overwhelming pain I began to feel. "No," I screamed, "don't touch me. Please, I can't breathe," I grabbed my chest, and he tried to reach for me again. "Please, help me," I begged, "I don't want to hurt anymore." "I can't change that, Roxie," he held onto me and I heard voices surrounding us.

"Roxie?" I heard Ricky and I looked up. "Hey," he began to talk to me, softly and I let go of Darian. "He's not here, anymore," I cried, harder and he opened his arms. I quickly ran to him and he engulfed me in his safe embrace and I cried onto him.

Darian watched us and turned away. "I'll go get the driver, I guess," he rubbed his neck, but didn't intervene. 

I don't know why I did it; why I ran to Ricky, but I felt better almost instantly. I felt Bennie in that hug and I didn't want to let go. He knew what to say and how to say it and I needed that now, more than ever. He was my anchor to this wretched reality and I needed to feel harbored.

"Ricky?" we turned to find Jessica running to us and I felt him let me go. No!

"Hey, babe," he turned to her and she slowed down. "What's going on?" she asked, "are you alright, Roxie?" she asked and I turned away from her to wipe my face. "Don't mind me, I'm better. I'll just go and find Darian," I turned to Ricky and forced a smile. "You know I'm not leaving you," Ricky shook his head, but Jessica grabbed his hand.

"She said she's fine, and besides I am sure her boyfriend can comfort her better, we have to take pictures," Jessica tugged at him. "Yeah, I'm ok now. Thank you," I nodded and urged him to go.

He eventually and reluctantly left with her as I walked back inside and toward the front entrance as I saw Darian. 

"Hey," I poked his back, but he ignored me. "Better?" he asked and I walked on his side and he looked at me. "A little," I sighed, wiping my face, "I'm sorry for freaking you out." "It's ok, I don't know what you're going through," he shrugged. 

"Well, you could sound a bit more caring." "What's going on with you and Ricky?" he asked, turning to me and folding his arms. "What?" I asked, "are you serious?"

"Yes, I am serious. You left me and ran to him. Am I missing something?" "No, nothing is going on between us. He's my friend and I told you, he lost his mom; he understands." "I can comfort you just fine." "I never said you couldn't." "You didn't have to, you told me not to touch you and all he does is say your name and he's fucking Superman."

"I'm not doing this," I shake my head and raise my hands. "Yeah, just run away. You're really good at that. You still never explained why, I bet Ricky knows."

"Fuck you, asshole," I screamed and I saw his eyes widened. "Seriously?" he got louder, "fuck me?" "Yeah, fuck you," I yelled and poked his chest, "you have no idea what the fuck I am going through." "I wonder why? You don't open up to me, Roxie. You're this fucking black hole. Every time I think we move up in our relationship; right when I see a glimpse of you, you shut me out." "I'm not doing this," I tried to stop him.

"Why is it so hard to let me in?" he grabbed my arms and I pushed him away. "Don't do that."

"Answer me," he demanded. "I don't know," I felt my eyes water, "I can't answer that." "It's so hard to love you, you know that."

What?

Love?

He realized his words and let me go as we registered what just happened. 

"Love?" I asked and he nodded, stepping closer to me and I felt my breath catch. "Roxie," he started, brushing my hair back and I held his hand. 

"Hey!" we turned to find Mindy calling us. 

"Ugh," Darian rolled his eyes, "what?" "The driver is waiting on us, after party is starting; we can't be too late. Not cool," she smiled at us, "whatever is going on can happen at the hotel, remember."

"Right," he smiled and turned back to me, "I guess we'll talk later," he let me go.

I stayed frozen to the spot. He loved me. Was he in love with me?

How did I feel?

God, Bennie I need you.