Build Me Up

Chapter 7

The dream changed as soon as Kenny shot himself.

Kenny was nowhere in sight; all I could see were empty faces surrounding me. I could feel something hit my face lightly, making me look up into the sky. The clouds were blurry and dark and they smelt heavily of despair. It was about to rain, making me confused as to what liquid ran down my face. I tried to wipe my eyes, but I couldn't move. It felt as though something was choking me, keeping me frozen in this exact moment.

One by one, the faceless crowd disappeared until I was completely alone. Suddenly, my body moved and with each step, the sun sank lower behind the horizon until I stopped at a freshly dug grave.

'Here lies Kenneth McCormick, sleep well little angel.'

I began to talk, my voice hoarse, "How does it feel to feel nothing at all, I wonder? I imagine it's grey like the world suddenly lost its color, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't wished to feel nothing at times." I hugged myself, sitting down next to his gravestone.

"To feel nothing, cause feelings are painful, and I don't wanna suffer through... all those moments without you..." Pain sprung from my lip and I reached up to touch it, taking my hand away when I felt blood. "When I lost you, anger and sadness, they were always there. They're always pretty rough to cope with... Feelings, oh feelings, you tear me apart... I wish I could start again, but I know that there's the other side. The one that I can't see right now, but I'll find it. And when I do, I'll be so better for the rest- so much better in my chest." I smiled slightly. "Can you feel- can you feel? And when you do, you'll be so happy that you felt- so happy that you dealt with it. Yeah, you dealt with it. Feelings, oh feelings, you tear me apart..." I stayed quiet for a few seconds until I found my voice once more.

"And I wish I could start again- again,
but I know that there's the other side... The one that I can't see right now, but I'll find it... And I used to think that being numb would ease the pain... but I was wrong, I was so wrong... It's just better to feel and know you're alive. While reminding yourself that it's temporary. Oh, it won't last for long."

I choked on my words, placing my hand on top of his grave. "I want to see you again, please."

The night was cold and bitter, like usual for this little messed-up town in Colorado. I was running throughout the streets as stealthily as I could, a dark hoodie covering my face so no one would recognize me.

What was I doing running towards nowhere in particular in the freezing cold? The answer? I had no clue.

My mind was going a mile a minute and unknowingly, I led myself to a familiar house. It was more like a beaten-up shed, barely held together by wooden planks. The roof had several holes in it, letting water drip through it when it rained. The front door seemed to be recently put back on like someone knocked it down a few dozen times.
Instinctively, I found my way to Kenny's bedroom window. His window was slightly ajar. I peered inside the darkness, making out his sleeping silhouette. Sighing in relief, I pulled out a pack of sticky notes that I wrote on before I left my house. Choosing the one I made for Kenny, I stuck it to his window.

Little reminder:
You have always been enough, and I'm proud of you for everything that you do.
P.S. My day brightens when you smile, and wearing that parka only hides your awesomeness.
P.S.S. Cartman sucks balls :)