Carve Me Open / r.l. + s.b. /

Ode to Benjy

Yet, he hadn't told them. Oh no, there's no doubt he retold the tale of the attack, purely for record and a funeral. They needed to keep tabs on each attack, whether it be on the Order or the general public. No, he hadn't told them about Peter.

Why? Because no one else knew, and making such an accusation with such little evidence was dangerous in a time like this.

They were at each other's throats day in and day out; it was a miracle Dorcas hadn't burned him in his sleep yet. The Prewitt brothers had gotten their piece in about Remus, which had ended in a bit of a scuffle at the Potter's back in December, and Frank had shown his true colors to Sirius in the worst of ways. The only people who seemed to have a lick of sense were those on Sirius' side, though he considered himself a bit biased.

With the majority of the Order against him or suspecting him, it would be terrible if his accusation faltered.

"Who did it," James asked.

"I don't know," was all Sirius could say.

"He didn't deserve to go like that," Lily said.

"No one does, love," James cradled her against his chest, chin resting atop her head. "Seems like everything is getting in the way of the wedding, huh?"

"Maybe we should put it off," she suggested. "Everything is a little chaotic, and with only two weeks left, I don't know if –"

"Oh, no you don't," Sirius snapped. "You two aren't backing out now! This wedding is all I've heard about for months – you aren't going to flake at the last second."

James rubbed his eyes, the exhaustion slipping through his resolve, "Just seems like the worst time."

"On the contrary," Sirius smiled. "A wedding might just be what everyone needs to lift their spirit. As long as there's booze, I'm in."

Which wasn't far from the truth. With the nightmares and Reggie up his arse, he hadn't found a moment of rest since September. Of course, both were his fault. As for Regulus, he'd beaten him to a bloody pulp and would have to live the next year as his personal nurse if Regulus were to get any better. The nightmares were unstoppable; every single time he so much as dozed, images of Benjy, the little girl from '77, or his dying mother flashed, making sleep unobtainable. He managed to get a few hours every night, usually waking several times before his patrol shift until he simply gave up.

Hell, he could hardly come up with his own Patronus anymore.

A wedding was just what he needed to take his mind off of this war; he figured it would help everyone distract for a moment or two. Lily and James needed a bit of a break as it was. With either one shipped out on the front lines on several occasions, some time together was desperately needed.

Besides, he was getting sick of hearing them complain about one another being gone. Without Remus around, Lily didn't have anyone besides Alice and Marlene to talk to, and neither one of them understood what it was like to lose a lover so often. Perhaps Alice did, but Marlene spent nearly every waking moment with Dorcas.

That left Sirius to open up to; he knew she counted on him because, well, he'd lost Remus. Again. If anyone understood what it felt like to lose someone, it was Sirius. Out of every Order member, minus Benjy, Sirius was well acquainted with death. He was an appealing target to complain to, and he put up with it for months.

"You wouldn't be upset if..." Lily trailed off, eyes averted to the exit.

Oh.

"No, not at all," Sirius gritted his teeth.

It wouldn't be fair to leave Remus out of the wedding. Despite his absence – his longest absence ever – he was still a vital role in their friend group. Or, at least, he had been. Remus was still Lily's best friend, and he was still a Marauder.

He just wasn't Sirius' anymore.

"We understand if you two would prefer not to," James quickly jumped in. "I know that you two haven't spoken much since... you know."

"I'm fine," Sirius snapped, nerves already diminishing by the second.

"It's okay not to be fine," Lily said. "It's been hard without –"

"I said I'm fine," Sirius raised his voice, fists clenched at his sides. "I was fine when he left, and I'm fine now."

He ignored the startled, almost frightened, faces before him, ignored the pang in his heart that always followed these stupid conversations. It was best to leave these feelings alone; Remus was not a part of his life anymore, and it was his own fault.

He never should've lied.

"You're not, Pads," James said, taking a tentative step toward his friend. "I'm not fine either."

"Talk to us, Sirius," Lily urged. "We're your friends."

Sirius considered. On the one hand, how many times had this happened before? He couldn't count on one hand anymore. Every time it was his own fault. Throughout school, he'd been a berk, and he'd gotten better. They were doing well after graduation. If anything, life had been pure bliss if he blocked out images of the war long enough. Remus had moved in, they shared a room, went out on the town so much that their adulthood was back in their grasps.

Then, like the fucking fool he'd always been, he mucked it up. Remus was right when he told Sirius that there would never be a middle ground between them. Things were either too good to be true or too horrible to bear alone. Perhaps he didn't deserve Remus?

"I always fuck things up," he whispered. "No matter how hard I try, I ruin it." He paused, thinking over all the times he'd fouled up his relationship with Remus. "It's always me. I lie, I'm a jackass, I jump to conclusions, I'm jealous – it's always me. I-Is there something wrong with me?"

Hot tears welled in the dips of his eyes, burning his cheeks as they fell. He cried so much lately, it was a wonder he had any tears left.

Lily rubbed his shoulder, her gentle touch soothing.

"How long has it been since you visited Slade," James asked.

"Months."

Lily said, "Why don't you schedule another appointment with her? You were doing well when you visited her?"

Sirius moved away, suddenly embarrassed of his weakness, "I don't want to rely on her for the rest of my life! I want to be a good person on my own."

It was true. How long did he have to visit her before he was a functioning adult? How much longer – how many more tools did he need! He'd been seeing her for what felt like decades, and here he was; still as broken and useless as before.

"You're not ready yet," Lily explained. "Trauma can last for years, Sirius. It takes time." James walked over to Sirius, embracing him.

It'd been months since they hugged properly; they'd always been separated or too exhausted to fool with each other.

It felt... Well, to put it bluntly, it felt like home.

"We're here for you, Padfoot," James reassured him. "And I know Remus is, too."

Sirius sniffled, knuckles white from the grip on James' shirt.

"I already fucked that one up beyond repair," he said, sadness masked by bitter snickers. "I think it's best I stop trying."

Lily smiled sadly; he hated when she gave him that face. It was a silent agreement. It was the last thing he wanted to see but knew why it had to be so.

But damn it, did he wish it were different.

▬▬ι══════════════ι▬▬

Short chapter, I know, but don't worry. One will be up right after!