Project LOKI ③

Chapter 43: The Last of Augustus III (The Burden)

Ipinikit ko muna ang aking mga mata bago ako humarap kay Alistair. Nang handa na ako, iminulat ko na ang aking mga mata. I looked at him straight in the eye.

"It's quite complicated," I told him. Sinubukan kong mag-maintain ng eye contact sa kanya. "May mga bagay akong alam na hindi ko basta-basta pwedeng i-share kahit kanino. Kahit sa 'yo. Maybe in the right time, I will."

I could have lied to him. Pwede kong sabihin sa kanya na hindi gano'n kaimportante ang bagay na bumabagabag sa akin. Knowing Alistair, he wouldn't press on asking what that thing was. He would understand, kahit na pakiramdam niya'y nagsisinungaling ako.

But I don't wanna lie to him. Of all people, sa kanya ko lang ayaw na magsinungaling. At the same time, I can't tell him what was bothering me. Ayaw kong sirain ang tiwalang ibinigay sa akin ni Luthor. Alistair may be my most trusted man, but I have to keep my word to the man who risked telling me his secret.

No one should know that he's one of them. It's the burden that Luthor and I must bear.

Naiisip ko tuloy, mas mabuti nang wala akong nalalaman. The less you know, the less burden you carry. My life would be easier that way. I don't have to worry myself in trying to pretend that I know nothing or hide someone else's secrets.

Sa ngayon kasi, naiipit ako. I felt like there were two giant boulders on both of my sides. My friendship with Alistair or Luthor's confidence in me? If I make the wrong move, I might get crushed in between.

I decided to make a compromise. I told Alistair na meron nga akong alam na seryosong bagay pero 'di ko pwedeng sabihin sa kanya. Hindi ako nagsinungaling. Hindi ko lang sinabi sa kanya kung ano exactly ang alam ko. And I believe that's way better than trying to convince him with a lie.

"Is it related to the Moriarty case?" sunod niyang tanong.

I slowly nodded. As long as I don't reveal too much, I would be fine. Kailangan ko lang maging maingat sa pagsagot sa kanya. Kailangan ko ring ipaintindi sa kanya kung bakit ko ginagawa 'to. "I wish I could tell you. I could, but I shouldn't. I hope you understand. Mahirap din para sa akin na—"

He gently pressed his finger on my lips, shushing me. He then flashed a smile. "You don't have to explain yourself, Lori. Naiintindihan ko ang posisyon mo."

Unti-unti akong ngumiti sa kanya.

"There must be a pretty good reason kung bakit hindi mo pwedeng sabihin sa akin," Alistair said. "Sabi mo nga, if only you could, you would have already told me. Don't worry, I won't press any further. You know how much I trust you. Kapag siguro oras na para i-reveal ang nalalaman mo, doon na lang ako makikinig."

"Thank you, Al," pakurap-kurap kong sabi sa kanya. Parang nabunutan na ako ng tinik sa lalamunan. "I really appreciate that."

"I bet you haven't told either Loki or Jamie as well?" he asked.

I nodded again. Hinding-hindi ko talaga pwedeng sabihin, lalo na kay Loki. I can't fully imagine how Loki would feel, but I guess he'd be furious and extremely disappointed. His brother shook hands with the person that plotted Rhea's death. The stain in Luthor's hand couldn't be easily washed away. I'm afraid that he might do something that I thought he isn't capable of doing.

Sana hindi humantong doon ang sitwasyon.

Natatawa tuloy ako sa isip ko. I'm doing the very thing that Loki did to me, which really upset me. I wonder how he would also react once he finds out that I've known Luthor's secret for quite some time? Would he be lashing at me for keeping it from him?

Kaya nga wala munang dapat makaalam. Kahit sinong nasa circle namin. It's the best move for now.

"I also can't tell them at this moment," sagot ko. "It's too risky. The truth may have to wait."