Spectrum

38

"You're the one who doesn't even kiss me anymore! I mean, God! Am I really that repulsive to you?" I cry, feeling the defeat.

"Yes, Natalia. Is that what you want to hear? Because it hurts me to fucking say that. I don't want to feel that way! But I don't want to touch you. I don't want to kiss you. It's disgusting. It's absolutely repulsive, Natalia. Is that what you want to fucking here? The truth?" He yells.

"Nat?" Grayson calls, knocking on the door lightly. "Can I come in?" 

"No." I say, sniffling gently. I can't let him see me like this. 

"Are you okay?" He asks.

"I'm fine. I just need a second." I reply, feeling my voice crack.

Without a knock or warning, he opens the door and looks me up and down. 

"You're crying." He points out.

"What part of no did you not understand?" I say, pushing past him and crawling into bed.

"That option went out the window when I heard that you were crying." He says. "I may not understand everything, but that's something that I can understand. Now, tell me what the problem is. Was it the kiss? Because I'm sorry. I'm just not used to...tongue. You know?" He says.

"No, it's fine. You're right. It's gross. I'm gross. I shouldn't have just done that. I'm sorry." He says.

"No, no. You're not gross. You are not gross. This isn't gross, it's just...it's new. It was something that I've never experienced before and it just made me nervous. I'm sorry. I should have handled it better." He replies.

"No, no." I reply quickly. "I'm sorry. I'm being silly. This isn't a big deal. Like, at all." I reply, shaking my head at the fact that I was just caught crying over something like this.

Grayson isn't the same person as Ryan. He is nothing like Ryan. He is his own perfect person. He's not meaning to hurt me. I'm only hurting myself.

"It is a big deal. If you're upset, it's a big deal." He says, looking very unsure. 

"Will you get into bed with me?" I ask softly, changing the subject. His eyes soften as he looks at me before he lets out a sigh and crawls into bed next to me.

"Yes." He replies, pulling me into his side. "Kiss me." He says.

"We don't have to-" I say as he engulfs me into a kiss, pushing his tongue into my mouth aggressively. It takes me by surprise, but the passion he's using to kiss me washes away any hesitation. 

We continue this until I finally pull away. He tries to pull me back, but I don't let him. I need a moment, no matter how amazing those last few moments were.

"Please." He says. "Don't end this yet." 

"I love kissing you." I reply, kissing his forehead gently. "But I know you weren't enjoying that as hard as you were trying to pretend too." I sigh.

"That's not true." He tries saying.

"Yes it is. Grayson, I can tell when you're uncomfortable."

"You can?" He asks. 

"Yes. You tense up. It's all I could feel the entire time you were kissing me." I sigh, crossing my legs in the bed.

"I'm sorry, Nat. It isn't you. It's me." He says.

"It has to do something with me." I mutter in response.

"No, it doesn't. It isn't you. You're perfect. Everything about you is perfect. It's me. It's the fact that sometimes...things just feel different to me. Sometimes a certain sense can be triggered and it becomes all too overwhelming. Certain smells, tastes, feelings...it just isn't the same for me. That feeling in particular just...It makes me uncomfortable." He explains. 

He's right. I'm being completely selfish and inconsiderate of his feelings. He didn't do anything wrong. It's not his fault that he feels like way. He doesn't think I'm gross. He doesn't. He isn't anything like Ryan. 

"Please, say something. You're making me anxious." He says almost desperately. 

"I'm sorry." I reply. "You're right. I shouldn't be so quick to get defensive. I know this isn't your fault." I reply.

"It isn't yours either." He repeats.

"It isn't mine either." I add.

"Okay. Although this isn't my fault nor is it yours, I'm still sorry. This is the kind of stuff that will be difficult with being with me. This is what I meant by things being difficult. Stuff like this." He informs me.

"We're okay, Grayson. We'll be okay." I assure him.

"As long as we can talk and work things out, we will be. Just promise me that you'll let me fix things when they get hard?" He asks.

"I promise. And promise me that you'll be patient with me when I get stubborn?" I ask.

"I promise." He smiles. "Now please, let's go to bed. I'm exhausted and just want you in my arms right now." He yawns.

"Absolutely." I laugh as I cuddle into him.

Things will be fine. I know they will be.