FREAKING OUT ? ? spencer reid

XV

I screwed up my face in confusion. Even though I knew how much of a genius he was somehow I doubted the accuracy of that percentage. Sure, people made mistakes all the time, but eighty percent? There was no fucking way.

"Look," he sighed, adjusting his body so that it was facing mine, "I know we said we weren't going to rush into things, but after what happened," he paused, "I can't help, but feel like you deserve to feel loved right now."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked defensively.

He opened his mouth, stuttering a couple of inaudible words before eventually going silent and sighing. He licked his bottom lip and glanced around the room, his mind taking a moment to collect his thoughts before continuing. "I know how you feel."

"Do you?" I raised my brow.

He nodded.

"How?"

"Do you remember that conversation we had in El Paso? About how working as a profiler puts a target on our backs?"

I nodded, still feeling confused.

"Remember when you asked if it happened to me?"

"Yeah..."

"Back in 2007, we were on a case and I was kidnapped by a man named Tobias Hankel," he pressed his lips together, watching my confused expression sadden. "JJ and I were on our way to question him at his house when things went wrong and," he swallowed, "he, uh, he took me."

I frowned and grabbed his hand.

"He beat me," his chest shook as he inhaled a deep breath, "and then he drugged me and even though I'm getting better at coping I still think about it a lot."

"Spencer..."

He swallowed hard. "When I was there I couldn't stop thinking about how all I wanted was to feel loved." I bit my lip, watching as he brought his hand to the back of my neck. He thumbed the roots of my hair, twirling a couple of strands around his fingers as he gave me a sad sigh. "I don't know what happened between you and Kane, but I know it hurts."

I gave him a small nod. As much as I wanted to lie and say I was fine I knew deep down I wasn't. What happened in that warehouse would follow me to the grave. All the cutting and the choking and the touching would be ingrained into my body's muscle memory for the rest of my life. Just thinking about it made me feel dirty, like because of what happened nobody could ever love me anymore.

"Sometimes when a person undergoes a trauma it can trigger the body to release hormones that make you feel disconnected," he explained, "for me personally, after everything happened I felt completely unlovable, like nobody would ever want to be with me because of what happened."

I nodded my head. I couldn't bare to think of him feeling the way I felt right now.

"I don't want you to feel that way." He pushed his forehead against mine. "I know this whole conversation probably doesn't make much sense, but basically what I'm trying to say is whatever Kane did to you doesn't affect how worthy you are of other people's love."

I bit my lip and wrapped my arms around his neck. As strange and confusing as this conversation was it somehow made me feel better.

He opened his eyes. An innocent smile spread across his face as he moved to wrap his arms around my waist. After that he gently lifted me up, pulling me onto his lap with a small groan. "Did that make any sense at all or am I just crazy?"

I snorted. "Yes to both."

He rolled his eyes.

"I get what you mean," I replied, "as much as I'd like to admit that what he did doesn't bother me, it does. I can still feel his hands all over my body," I swallowed hard, "a-and it makes me sick, like I'll never be able to get rid of it."

He let a plume of air out of his nose as he brought my face to his chest. He tightened his grip around my body and rested his chin on top of my head. As we laid there together I closed my eyes, feeling the beat of his heart rapidly pound against his chest.

As terrible of an idea it was to have sex with him right now the thought refused to leave my mind. I knew his touch wouldn't get rid of Kane's. However, I also knew that that wasn't his intention. All he wanted to do was make me feel loved, like I was worthy of something other than pain and fear.

"Hey." I gave his chest a quick pat before pulling myself back up again. Slowly, I swung one leg over his lap, pressing the inside of my thighs against the outside of his. I swallowed hard, feeling a sense of nervousness bubble in my stomach as I gripped the top button of his shirt. I ran my thumb along the edge of it, letting out a heavy breath before pushing it through the hole and looking up at him.

His eyes scanned my face, ultimately falling onto my lips. As they did, he licked his own.

"Spencer?"

"Hm?" His eyes darted up to mine.

"Is this a good idea?" I asked, even though both of us already knew it wasn't.

"Probably not," he chuckled nervously.

I nodded my head. Despite his answer, I reached for the second button. Before I could grab it though, he took hold of my wrists and pulled me into him, reaching to grip the back of my head as our lips crashed together. When they did I almost passed out.