Always There

Chapter Ninety-Three

Knox reaches up to brush a stray strand of my hair back behind my ears. He then takes my face in his hands, kisses me on the forehead, and says, "I know that some things have happened over the past few months that have been really difficult, but you've been so strong and you've come so far. I hope nineteen is an even better year for you than eighteen was."

I smile up at him. "Me too. I have my fingers crossed. I just really don't know how different this year is going to be now that Bryce isn't in my life, and so I'm just a little bit scared. I'm already sort of sad that I don't get to spend my birthday with him because I was just getting used to birthdays with Bryce again, but I'll be okay. Today's supposed to be a happy day, so I'll try to forget about him for now."

Knox tilts his head to the side, and the grin on his face suddenly turn mischievous, just like the expression that Kennedy's had on her face all day.

"Don't worry about Bryce, Lexi. He hasn't disappeared off the face of the earth," Knox says with a smile.

I raise an eyebrow at him.

He merely kisses my forehead again before taking a step away from me.

Nathan immediately pops up where Knox had just been standing. His purple hair is messy as though he didn't bother taming it after a dance class, but he's got a carefree smile on his face and the cheerful twinkle in his eyes that never seems to disappear.

"Lexi! Happy birthday!" he exclaims before embracing me tightly. His hug isn't nearly as comforting as Knox's was, but Nathan has been a great friend to me over the past year too, and so receiving a birthday hug from him is pretty wonderful.

"Thank you!" I respond as we break apart from the hug. Kennedy instantly is at Nathan's side as soon as he's free from my grip, and I watch as she slips her hand into his as inconspicuously as she's able to manage.

I still notice the way that Nathan squeezes her hand slightly, and the way that this action causes the corners of Kennedy's lips to quirk up just the slightest bit.

Since I no longer have any romance in my life, I think I've become more attuned to the love lives of everybody around me. It hurts a little to be this aware, truly, because just when I think I'm able to ignore romance altogether, I'll notice the way Kennedy's cheeks flush when Nathan whispers something in her ear or the way Jane's breath catches when Knox brushes a kiss against her neck and my heart starts aching all over again.

I've always loved romance novels, but it's gotten hard even to read about love since Bryce and I have been spending all these months apart. I never really used to be affected by most books in any significant way, but now I find myself sobbing for hours when something bad happens to the couple in the book that I'm reading.

What really ruins me, though, is when the couple inevitably gets their happily ever after at the end of the book. Their happy ending is what really makes me sob.

I guess it's just because I know that my life isn't a romance novel, and not knowing whether or not I'll ever get my own happily ever after worthy of a storybook is terrifying sometimes.

"Lexi? Are you up for it?" Nathan asks me. There's a sense or urgency to his voice that makes me think that this is almost certainly not the first time he's tried to get my attention.

That reminds me of one of the other things that has happened to me since I've stopped seeing Bryce: I've become so incredibly spacey. Sometimes I just drift off into the most lovely daydreams even when I should be paying attention to something, but when my mind puts all these images of Broadway stages and weddings and endless nights spent curled up in bed with Bryce, how am I supposed to resist?