Dually Devoted ?

CHAPTER 34

He wouldn't allow it.

And, so, he had readily tied himself down to the bond of a namesake family. That way, in Arpita's eyes, he'd have a guardian, a family to take care of him, or so he had planned to convince her. Then, even if they'd talk and get along like before, the place they go back to would be different. She would then be able to create her own world; she would then gradually find other friends... She'd live a normal life.

The cab he was in came to stop at the red light. He was going to meet Mr. Tripathi today. Everything would change today. And after he'd leave India for his higher studies, as his guardian wanted him to, he'd be able to call his friends back. That alone was enough to have him excited. It had been beyond difficult for him to keep ignoring Addy's messages and calls. He thanked God that Aad hadn't given his number to Arpita. Seeing his screen flash with her name would have made things even more difficult for him.

He looked at the gift-wrapped book in his hand. It had a card attached to it, with a condescending message from Addy. It was apparently a belated gift to celebrate Arnav's independence, mocking him for having shifted out of the foster home for such a stupid reason. But it wasn't stupid for Arnav; it was important, a very important thing he'd wanted to rectify. However, he could understand his friend's anger. It only made him feel valued, needed, and loved.

Finally gaining the courage to think of opening it, he pulled out the card and kept it aside. He had always been afraid that Addison would've surely written a message for him in the book, and maybe it would make him want to f*** all this shit and go right back. But now, sitting in this cab, he knew everything was planned, and that he'd get to talk to them soon. So thinking, he ripped the gift open, to find a hardbound book with something inside. Chuckling inwardly, he rolled his eyes. Of course, there was a letter for him. However, he was surprised to find an envelope attached to it.

Hey man, Damn, had he missed someone calling him this way; Arnav smiled.
I have nothing to tell you cause' you're being stupid. But then, I stole something. Something someone kept hidden in their cupboard, written for you-

Arnav didn't read the rest of the message - his heart was beating wildly, as if it had just come alive- as he urgently flipped the sheet to find the envelope. Arpita. He stilled. It had her handwriting on it. He traced it with his fingers, a longing evident in his touch.

He opened the envelope and unfolded the sheet.

Arnav, I miss you.
I want to see you, talk to you. But I won't ask you why you left.
I won't ask you why I didn't even deserve a goodbye.
When I gave you my heart, I didn't ask your permission, so I'm not upset that you left suddenly without mine.
Just a little confused.
What had I done wrong?
Where had I gone wrong?

Arnav took in a long breath and exhaled slowly, trying to stay strong. That question of hers pierced his heart. She hadn't gone wrong. It was he who had. Had he makes her think otherwise? Had he made her blame herself? It crushed him to think so. And yet, he couldn't find it in himself to stop reading. They had never before been apart for more than twelve hours and all of a sudden, he had recklessly decided to leave. He hadn't met her from so long that it seemed like a lifetime. He wanted to hear her ever word. He wanted to hear her more, no matter how much it hurt; he flipped to the next sheet.

Addy keeps asking me if I'm fine, Arnav. I tell him- I'm getting better.
But am I?

Whenever my gaze would reach you, it would stop,
Thinking of you as my destination.
Whenever my feet would reach you, it would stop,
Knowing that beside you was where I want to be.
But now that you're gone, why doesn't my heart stop?
It's killing me.

His fingers pressed the bundle of paper tightly, his jaw clenched. Her words made his walls come tumbling down, and it didn't matter. All he did wanted was to read more, to know if she was okay.

Arnav, He could hear her calling him; her voice filled with a sorrow that opened his every wound. Her love for him had been his only medicine, and yet, he'd backed away.
They say when you're feeling down, you wish to go back to your childhood. But all I have there are moments of you, that now pierce my heart.
I sit and replay them in my head, knowing all its doing is hurting me. Its as if this pain is somewhat more comfortable, than the numbness without it.
I don't feel like myself, Arnav.
It hurts. But I can't stop loving you.
I know, I know you left because you believe you're like your parents- His heart stopped; she knew!

'you believe you're like your parents'
Of course, he did. He was their biological son, after all. It was their blood running in his veins. He might as well turn out to be like them. How could he, whose own parents were incapable of loving one person for life, believe that he could love someone forever, especially when he too didn't know what love meant? How could he trust his own emotions when those emotions weren't even understandable? All he was sure of, though, was that he didn't want to see her hurt. Which was why despite knowing that he loved her, he didn't want her to ever know. He feared that these feelings would suddenly vanish someday, just like it did with his parents.

He was afraid that he might one day get bored of her; he might one day not feel this connection, but a frustration, a selfishness alone. Would he then be ready to hurt her too?
He didn't want to think of any such thing happening. He wanted to avoid it at all costs.

He didn't want to ever break her heart. She was an angel, with everything pure residing in her. And he- he was a person he himself didn't trust. All his life, he had kept trying to not be what his parents were. But what had he become? In the end, he had screamed at Arpita- fought with her- just like his parents had fought that day; he had turned his back to her and left her alone, just like his parents had done to him. It dawned on him; he was the same as them. He couldn't run away from that.

Maybe he should just never call back. He went to crush the paper in his hand but he couldn't. As his eyes fell on them, he found himself continuing to read...

I know you left because you believe you're like your parents, but that is so not true.
He chuckled mirthlessly.

You would never be like them, Arnav.
They fought because each of them valued their own happiness over the other's. They were blinded by it. They never tried to think of the other, but every time you've fought with me, it has only been for me. Because, you thought of me.
They left without a second glance, for they'd long forgotten how to care for the other. But I know you left because you cared for me.
And yet, I want you to know, it still hurts just the same.
While you get to blame them for it, I can't even do that, Arnav. It makes me blame myself, hate myself, and I'm afraid... I'd lose myself.

Arnav stared at the words with all his might. His head felt heavy, heaving with emotion. He clenched the sheet with his shaking hands; his eyes red with tears. She knew him better than he ever could. She loved him despite how foolish he had been. She loved him despite the pain he was giving her. She loved him despite everything.

The loud horns made him lift his bleary gaze; bright lights blinding his eyes as his breath got caught; it was a truck speeding their way without any control. His hands had barely moved to block the light when he was jerked back by the loud crash; the glass shattering, the car crushing, toppling, as a harsh gasp left his mouth. Time seemed to have slowed down and he was fleetingly aware of the pain in every inch of his body, the coppery blood in his mouth, as his eyelids shut close...

***
Vote and Comment