Hidden Away

Twenty: Moving Forward

"See? There's something clearly bothering you. Why is it so hard to get you to open up to me?"

"Because I don't open up to people!" I yelled, digging my hands into my hair and harshly pulling it. I was sure I pulled some chunks out. "Because I don't open up!" I repeated, slumping down onto the floor with my hands still in my hair. I landed cross-legged with my elbows resting on my knees. I let out a small sob. "I don't open up to people! And the only reason I ever opened up to you was that I was making an effort to feel like I belonged; to feel like I could live a good life again! But Rowan, I don't belong! No matter how hard I try to belong, I don't!" I took in air greedily. I felt Rowan's arms encase me. He was by my side, holding me and muttering comforting words into my ears. "At the end of the day, before I go to sleep, I look in the mirror and all I see is my life before this. At the end of the day, I'm still a rogue. It's all I know and it's all I've ever been. And no matter how hard you try to change it, I'm always going to be a rogue. Even if I was taken and forced into that life, it's what I am. "

"It's okay," he whispered into my ear. He took a hold of each of my wrists with one hand and forced my fingers out of my hair. His arms wrapped themselves around my body again and used one of them to rub my back as I cried. "I'm so sorry."

He let me cry and didn't once loosen his grip on me during the half-hour we stayed on the ground. The tee-shirt I had changed into before going up to talk with Bennett was now drenched with both our tears. Rowan started crying a while into us sitting there in silence. I assumed it was because he couldn't bear knowing that he made me cry.

I finally tried getting up but was pulled back down by Rowan's arms, which were still tight around my upper body. He saw that I was trying to get up and let go of me, getting up himself. We both rubbed our eyes vigorously, leaving them even more red and puffy than they already were. "What I just told you is exactly why I was upset when I came in here." I felt bad because I Rowan probably thought he was to blame as to why I felt the way I did, so I decided to tell him what he asked when I walked into the room.

"I told Bennett that I couldn't have anything to do with him because of the danger and overwhelming responsibility that surrounds him." It took him a second to register what I had just told him, but when he did, I could clearly tell he wasn't all for that idea judging by the frown that found home on his lips.

"You know you don't have to make all your decisions based on what you think would be better for us." He rubbed his eye with his fist again before going back to organizing his bag. "It's not like you won't ever be able to see us."

"I know that," I said. "I know." I knew, but no matter how hard I tried to figure it out, I didn't know how much was enough. I didn't know when to stop caring and that was my problem. I cared too much and it didn't matter how much I told myself to stop caring because I would still find a way to let the emotions take over me. "I just don't want to be involved in all this danger and responsibility. Not just for you, but for me as well. I know I tell you that a lot, but I actually mean it. I can't lose anyone else."

"And we can't lose you again either."

*

Pitch black. I saw pitch black. I was in a dark room, and as I turned in my spot, I noticed a light. The first thought that came to mind was death. It looked like the bright light people claim to see when they're close to death.

"Hello?" I called out, only hearing the echo of my voice calling back. "Am I dead?" I laughed at myself and shook my head, hearing how ridiculous that sounded.

I started walking toward the light. It was far in the distance, yet it felt so close. The closer I stepped towards it, the warmer the atmosphere became. I actually started to believe I was dead. Was this one of those dreams like the one I had about my mom and aunt Olivia? Was this one signaling something to me?