Sasquatch to the Moon

34: Three Flags

"I don't think I'm ready." I mumble, toying with the corner of the blanket.

"Miloš, you big wimp, I was getting married at 23. You're not 'not ready' you just don't know what to expect and the unexpected has always been scary for you."

I huddle down further into the blanket, feeling a little irritated that she pinpointed that so quickly. "What should I expect?"

"Well, with me and your father, he asked me out and we went on dates and the such, had sleepovers, went on a little road trip, hung out together an insane amount and then he asked me to marry him."

I frown. "But what should I expect? Like, what's going to happen? What's dating like?"

"Like friends but more kissing. It's just the same as what you and him are doing now except you'll get to kiss him."

"Is that it?"

"Well, you'll get to know him better than anyone, you'll understand what he's feeling at any moment and you'll know what to do if he's upset and what he wants if he's acting funny and he'll know all that about you as well, he'll know when you're mad and sad and stressed out and he'll know what you need in those cases. He'll never know you better than I do, but he'll get really close." She pokes my nose. "Now, suck it up and talk to him."

I frown, rolling to my side and looking out at the room. "I'm going to like women in my next life aren't I."

"What was that?"

I shake my head. "Nothing."

She sits and runs her hands through my hair for about ten more minutes before I come up with another question, well, a question I've been meaning to ask for a while.

"Mom?"

"Mhmm?"

"What happens when a kid is raised by parents who don't love them?" I'm relying on her Czech psychology degree that doesn't translate over into a Canadian certificate.

"They start to develop attachment and repression issues." She says. "Forming a relationship with anyone, friendship or romantic, becomes incredibly difficult due to their first experiences with a close relationship were futile and shut down. They develop self-esteem issues, everything from not thinking they're worth anyone paying attention to, all the way over to physical esteem issues, eating disorders, picking at their skin, working out too much. When left unchecked they tend to trend anti-social and often don't know how to make friends or start connections. They often end up emotionally repressed, that stems from neglect to take a young child's emotions seriously and the parents passing them off as unimportant. That leads to feeling numb most of the time, like they can't feel anything."

My heart is crushing into itself in my chest. "Just from that one thing?"

"Mhmm," she says. "It's because your relationship with your parents is one of the very first things you experience, if it's a bad and toxic relationship, the child is taught to expect that, they're taught that their experiences and feelings are unimportant and that they shouldn't bother adults with their problems. Shortly put, they're taught from a very young age that they simply don't matter."

I feel my heart shatter.

"Why are you crying?" She says softly, leaning over to rub her thumb across my cheek. "Milo what's wrong?"

"That's what he said," my voice cracks. "After, after that day, the day we came and unclogged your sink, the day we were dating."

"What did he say?"

"That it was the only time he's ever felt like he mattered." I press the heels of my hands into my eyes, forcing in a shaky breath.

"For some kids raised like that, they go their whole lives hunting for that feeling, it's good he found someone that gives him that feeling."

"I just want him to be okay. I hate that he doesn't know what it feels like." I mumble into my hands. Mom runs her fingers through my hair, calming me down. 

***

when my time comes around, 

lay me gently in the cold dark earth, 

no grave can hold my body down,

i'll crawl home to her. 

work song - hozier

***

not this being two hours late

also Hozier's hair in this video is what Rocket is trying to get to but he's just a little on the short side