Sasquatch to the Moon

38: Like an Ocean Returning to Shore

"...you haven't?"

I shake my head, pressed back against the wall. "I don't know what I'm doing, I don't have a good reason why but I'm scared. It's a really big thing to fuck up and I don't want to ruin it for you."

He opens his mouth to respond, then shuts it again. "Is this why you've been stalling?"

I clear my throat. "No, but, kinda. Not at first but it's why I've been weird recently."

"Are you scared of me?"

I don't want to hurt him, but sometimes the answer is yes, absolutely. Sometimes the answer is no, not at all.

"I'm taking that as a yes."

I suck in a long breath. "No. I'm not." C'mon Rocket, you've always been talkative. Say what you need to. "I'm scared of not being able to love you as much as you need."

"That's what you're scared of?" He's baffled. Beyond baffled. 

"I-I-"

"You know I don't give a fuck, right?" He laughs, running a hand backward through his hair. "I've never done this either, this isn't just you. Okay? So what? We'll mess it up and we'll probably make weird and bad decisions but the point is to do it in our own way, not to follow some damned blueprint."

I swallow hard. "I just don't want to break your-"

"My heart? Fuck, I love that you care so much but I'd rather get loved in a shitty fucking spotty messed up traumatized way by you than loved in any other way by any other person." He puts both his hands in his shock white hair, pulling it back away from his eyes. "Don't you get it? I want you. Not someone else, not a perfect situation, not anything, Rocket!"

"Why?" My voice cracks.

"I don't know! You think out of anyone I'm going to be the one that knows the first goddamn thing about feelings? Hell, Rocket I've got the emotional range of a hockey puck, this is not something I'm good at." His voice cracks. "I don't know, okay? I don't. I have no idea what the hell happens in my head or what you do that makes me want to keep you around all the time. I don't know what it is about you that makes me comfortable with joking around publicly, with going a day without my retainer, with letting people hug me, with making me talk. I don't know what it is about you that makes me want to show you things about myself that a year ago I'd rather quit forever than tell someone. I don't know, I don't, I don't, okay? But I keep coming back to you. I keep trying to figure it out and it all comes back to you. I can't stop. I couldn't convince myself that having feelings for a teammate was a bad thing because you make me feel so fucking alright all the time and feeling fucking okay is so so so goddamn addictive."

He stops for only a split second before starting to ramble again. "I just, Milo, I don't know, I can't figure it out. I feel safe again. It's such a stupid thing to admit to but I'm serious when I say that you have all of me in the palm of your damn hand and you could take that handful and chuck it off a cliff right now and I'd crawl right back to you because I can't convince myself you're not-"

I reach out and grab the front of his shirt, pulling our chests flush again and pressing my lips to his to get him to shut the fuck up before I cry. 

"That I'm not what?" I ask. 

He's staring wide-eyed at me. "Perfect. Even though I know you're far from it, you're fucking perfect." 

I lift up and press my mouth to his again, unable to respond with anything but another kiss to try to tell him that I've seen him as perfect for as long as I can remember knowing him. That I feel the same damn way. That I know that it wouldn't matter how many times he might say 'i don't love you' and I'd still crawl back to him like the ocean returns to the shore because there's nothing better in this world than him. I'd wait as long as that same ocean's waves crash for him to love me back because I don't care to be loved in a perfect way by another person, only to be loved in an imperfect way by him. 

"So you want to do this?" He mumbles over my lips.

"Yes." I think on it for a second. "Please." 

***

and when the night falls around me,

and i feel your warmth

and when you say you love me

i fall a little more

love like mine - the chase

***

yes this chapter took an extra two hours,,,,, it's because I rewrote most of it on a whim.

WATCH FOR UPDATES; I HAVE TO SEND COLLEGE APPS ETC ETC IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS AND BECAUSE THIS BOOK IS NOW TWO PARTS I REDESIGNED THE ENDING SO I HAVE WRITING TO DO. 

THE POSTING SCHEDULE MIGHT GET REARRANGED BECAUSE OF THAT (SORRY)