we shouldn't

A/N: song used in this chapter "Speechless" by Alicia Keys.

I don't know why people have to die.

Why the circle of life has to be so cruel.

You love people to your core and then in a blink of an eye, they are snatched away from you...forever.

You can believe in all the different ideas of the afterlife as much as you want, but no one will know the truth until they die.

The one vivid memory I have of my parents together is them bringing the twins home. My aunt was babysitting me while my mom gave birth. I remember being so excited for them to come home. I didn't know if I was getting sisters or brothers or both. I recall wanting both but my parents wanted it to be a surprise.

I had just finished a pancake breakfast my aunt made me, she added chocolate chips to them and put whipped cream on top.
I heard the door open and ran to it, seeing huge smiles on both my parent's faces. My dad had a car seat on each arm and my mom was carrying a bag.

"I missed you so much baby" Mom smiled, throwing the bag to the floor and leaning down to engulf me in a big bear hug. I watched as my dad set down the car seats on the floor and gave me a huge hug. I sat in front of the car seats, mom on one side of me, dad on the other.

"This is your new baby sister, Quinn," dad said, pointing to the baby wearing a pink hat.

"And this is your baby brother, Asher," my mom said, unbuckling him.

I tear streamed down my face, I was so happy and so excited. I begged to hold them. I sat down on the couch and held them one by one for an hour straight. Hugging them and kissing them and telling them how much I loved them. My parents watched me, love-filled eyes as they snapped photos of me with the two new additions to the family.

I remember my dad being funny. He always made me crack up. He felt safe. whenever I was in his presence, I knew I'd be protected from anything. One weekend he took just me on a fishing trip while mom stayed home with the twins. He set up a tent and blew up two air mattresses, he made a fire and even bought me a new pink fishing rod. Looking back on it now, I was probably a pain in his ass. Always tangling the fishing line. I was young so I was clearly not that aware of what I was doing. But that whole weekend was filled with laughter as my dad spent 24/7 doing whatever I wanted. Whether that be, jumping in the freezing Cold Lake or going for ice cream. He dedicated the weekend to me and me only.

My mom also felt safe, just in a different way. I could tell her anything. Whatever I was worried about, I knew my mom was there to listen. She tucked me in bed every single night, no matter her mood or how much my siblings were screaming, she made sure she sang me a lullaby every night.
I remember the lullaby clearly.

"Can't believe my eyes
A sweetest little part of destiny.
Cause you are now in my life.

I'm just speechless baby.
Don't know what to say.

True love finally finds you, babe
Life becomes a way
Previously unimaginable.

Every day I'm feeling better cause I know I got the best I can be proud of.

Now I'm speechless.

I used to know all the words to say
I used to write all the poetry
But now you take my breath away."

As a kid, I didn't know what it meant, but now I do and I miss her with my whole heart. My parents were really the best, and I know in my heart that they would be proud of me that I kept going when life was the hardest and I wanted to end it all.

This might sound crazy but, I think my mom knew she was going to leave forever.
Two nights before the accident, right before she was about to sing me the lullaby she took off one of the rings she always had wrapped around her finger.

"This is the first ring your dad gave me. It was his promise ring to me. The next ring was this one" she said pointing to the other one on her ring finger.

"He gave it to me when he proposed. The next was this one, this was the one he slid on my finger at our wedding when we got married." She explained.

"But this one, this one was the first one," she said, holding out the dainty piece of jewelry as a tear slid down her cheek.

At the time I didn't understand why she was crying, now I do.

"I'm giving you this one. It's not any less significant as these other two." She said, wiping a tear away.

"But I want you to have it. Dad told me it's a knot because we will forever be tied together, and I want you to know you will always be tied to me too. Even when you're a teenager, and going through stuff you can never imagine. When things get hard, I'll always be with you. Even if it seems like I'm not with you, I will always be with you my beautiful Spencer" she explained in almost a whisper as she slid the finger on my thumb, the only finger it didn't fall off of at the time.

It was my first piece of jewelry and I just remember being so excited about it. I felt like such a big girl, having a piece of jewelry on my hand at all times. I've only taken it off once, that was because it was too small for my thumb, I had to move it to my other finger. I'll never take it off, ever.
I still wonder why mom choose the words she did "Even when it seems like I'm not with you, I will always be with you my beautiful Spencer" did she know?

A/N: I'll update twice today!