The World That Was Mine (Part I & II)

XX

"Are you done?" He asked, gesturing to it. I nodded, wiping the remaining crumbs from my hands onto my sweatpants. Tyler bit his lip, a habit I had noticed we shared, and sighed. "Okay. I'll let you off the hook, it's been a rough day for all of us. A rough week actually." I couldn't agree more. Rough was being generous in my opinion.

Tyler gulped and took a deep breath. "I just want to say..." He trailed off evidently unsure of what it was he 'just wanted to say'. He hesitated for a moment longer. "Look, I suck at apologies. I suck at admitting that I was wrong, but I was wrong," He shook his head looking away from me. "The way I handled everything last night was just so far out of bounds." He paused again, looking back at me again.

He was looking for a reaction, of which there was none. I wanted to hear all he had to say before I reacted. It was human nature to act before thought, but I would not be a slave to human nature. Not while Marley watched over me. I liked to imagine her prideful smile beaming down from me. I liked to imagine someone, dead or alive, was proud of me.

"I was never upset with you-well, actually I was but I shouldn't have been," I nodded slowly, wanting him to continue. "I was angry at myself that I didn't or couldn't protect you," I wondered if the metallic taste of blood from biting his lip eased his panic like it did mine. "It was unfair of me to blame you for not telling me. I don't even know how you would have told me something like that." He was mostly talking to himself now.

People do that when you don't respond. Like humans so often do, they fill the silence you emit with chatter that means nothing. He could have ended at sorry. He should have ended at sorry. But I suppose it was slightly endearing to think that he was truly nervous of my reaction. It showed a level of kindness and consideration that may have brought a smile to my face. But not now. It would feel like I was smiling at a funeral. My own funeral. These days, smiles were as rare as the ruler in me coming out of her shell. It seemed I had forgotten her along the way. Ironic isn't it. The ghost forgetting someone else. She, ruler me that is, is becoming less each day. Soon enough, she will be nothing. The little bit of ife in me would be nothing. It scared me, but it wasn't as if it was truly a shock. She had long since begun withering away.

"So I guess what I'm trying to say is sorry. I am very sorry for the way I acted."

I felt more like a ghost than usual. I felt detached and sad. Just sad. Nothing more to it. I am sad. And looking in Tylers silver eyes, he was too. For one reason or another, we are all at least a little sad. And for everyone who says they're not, it's a lie. It's always a lie. Sadness is as much a part of human nature as breathing.

"Really really sorry."

He was waiting for me to react, but frankly I didn't know how. I wanted to cry. Right then, as I sat there looking into my brother's sad eyes that reflected my own, I wanted to cry like a baby. Something inside me, that I had somehow managed to keep intact through all this, was snapping. With each kind word and undeserved apology, it was like who I was, what I was slowly began to melt away, like an outer layer I no longer needed. But this wasn't sweet or refrashing. This was horrifying. It was like my shield was being ripped away in the midst of a battle and I was left defenseless. I hated it. I hated every second of this feeling. Attachment, this was what it did to people. It tore down walls meant to keep you safe, and invaded, destroying everything you had worked so hard to protect. I had made a fatal flaw somewhere along the line. Somehow, somewhere, I had screwed up royally.

"Izzy, can you tell me anything more about your Mom?"

My bottom lip wobbled, but I would not let this happen. I stood up from the wicker chair, leaving behind the picked-at muffin, the chipped balcony railing, and Tyler.