In a Heartbeat (MxM)

Chapter 51

I didn't dare speak, wasn't even sure if I could get words out, my head still reeling.

"I'm sure they would've loved this," he said. He sighed, the first sign of him feeling sad since we've been here.

I bit my bottom lip, wondering if things would take a turn if maybe I should give him space so he wouldn't feel the same way as the other day so that he wouldn't end up having an attack with me here.

"I blamed myself a lot," he said, and I nearly got whiplash to look at him staring at his stone. "For years, actually. A part of me still does."

"Wh-"

"Why, you might ask?" He muttered. "Well, I was used to carrying the burden. I helped raise my siblings, helped to clean, to cook, you name it. As the eldest male, I had expectations too, just like you. And after, when I had been on my own, I felt like I failed. I was supposed to look after my siblings, supposed to help out. And well I had many nights alone for it to mull over, to repeat everything I had done that could have possibly led to this scenario."

He squeezed my hand before continuing, "I remembered the day I told you. Your father died, but I had been so thrilled about discovering the bond. Maybe it had been the high of the moment, but I think it made me realize that there was more to just being a good brother, a role model for them, or to be responsible for helping my family. I could be all those things, but I could also be someone's equal, I didn't need others to depend on me the way they did, I could depend on someone else too."

"I had been feeling overwhelmed that week," he said after a pause. "I was excited for finding my mate, but the young ones were stressing me out, my parents were working all the time, and Nicole had been busy with college and no one really asked how I was doing. I know they didn't mean to, but I wanted to enjoy it, you know? Relax, let others take care of things as well. Nicole warned me it had been a bad idea, after all, she planned on keeping her secret away from Xavier. But you were older, and I had gotten into a fight with her, it was so minor, but I told her that I didn't want to wait for her, I wanted to be with my mate, and escape, for lack of better words."

"So when I was alone in the forest, before finding Aspen or Cedar, I wondered what it would be like if I had hidden it too. If I had just kept it a secret, maybe even just wait till the investigation had been over. Maybe things would have turned out differently." He paused. "I had been in a really dark place a couple of times. The same thoughts consumed me. What if, maybe, if I had just, the list goes on."

He took a few breaths, and again I wondered if maybe he needed space. "I wanted to hate you. I really did. I'd shout obscenities at the top of the mountain until I was a sobbing mess because I knew it was untrue. I couldn't hate you, no matter what I said or thought. I had been angry, sad, angry again. I found some happiness here and there, but I couldn't stop thinking that I had done something wrong. But someone told me that I was brave once. For wanting to understand, for wanting to come back and know that I only have half the story. I could blame myself all I want but there's still your side of the story Vince. And maybe it'll take time, maybe it'll hurt, maybe you don't feel that I could possibly accept the answer you have, but I will. I will, Vince."

I blinked, a lone tear dripping down my cheek, my eyes feeling stuffy all of a sudden as I felt a pit in my stomach.

"When the time is right, Vince," he leaned into me more. "When you're ready, I'll be here. You deserve that much."

Full of surprises, Simon steadied his breathing before turning to glance at me. With a different, almost steadfast look he said clearly, "I don't think I can forgive what happened. But I can forgive you as a person. It takes time for these things to hurt less. But I can see it, you're trying. That in itself is enough."