In a Heartbeat (MxM)

Chapter 51

I shook my head, "you think so?"

"You're here, aren't you?"

"But-"

"Shh," he smiled again, his face lit up as he raised a finger above my lips. "Let's just stay here for a bit. Can we?"

It still hurt to think about why this even became a memorial in the first place, why this joyous family had been reduced to just some happy and unhappy memories, a story people would tell, and some decorative rocks. Hurt to know that I had been the cause, hurt that I couldn't possibly make up for it. Couldn't undo the damage.

But with Simon beside me, squeezing my hand with that foolish yet somehow genuine smile on his face, I felt like I could breathe. Felt like that maybe it wouldn't hurt so much, that maybe the letter I would finish, say all the apologies and things I needed to say to him finally, then it would mean something. Even if it never made up for it, he'd still be here to tell me that it was alright. And for what it was worth, that felt like it was all I needed.

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There was something different about him. Maybe it was just how comfortable he had gotten being here, or from his confidence to snap back at George after the council meeting, but it was like I was seeing him for the first time. Like I had seen him that night celebrating with his family on my drunken birthday.

But instead of standing in the distance like that night, this close, I could see him clearly. His eyes bright, his skin seemed to glow in the midday sun rays. Even the way they landed on his slightly parted lips made them seem so tender. Seeing him with that same expression from that night left an unexpected but rather pleasant feeling in my chest.

Why did this feel so different?

It was like the things he shared, the vulnerabilities, the shame, guilt, all of it, seemed to haunt me. It consumed every fiber of my being, leaving me feel so raw and uneasy. But yet he looked happy, so happy there.

I had thought maybe this was from the bond, but my wolf was surprisingly silent. He wasn't pawing at the surface, not grumbling or projecting his feelings at all. And I hadn't been drinking, goddess, it's been how long since I've gotten flat out drunk. Unless-

Is this what it was supposed to feel like? To be staring at your mate like he was the only one in the room?

But he couldn't possibly look at me like this right? With hopeful eyes that looked past everything. Surely, it wouldn't last once I've said everything, divulged everything I tried to pour into those letters I just couldn't seem to get right.

"Is there something on my face?" He frowned, patting his cheeks, while I struggled to focus. My mind had been spiraling with thoughts that I hadn't realized I'd been staring the whole time.

"Umm," I sputtered. Say yes, my wolf said. Touch mate.

No, I responded.

Yes.

No.

No.

"Yes." Shit. I could hear him cackle in the back of my head.

"Oh, that's embarrassing," he chortled, before swiping the back of his hand against those lips. "Did I get it?"

"Um," I wasn't sure if I should've just said I had been lying, that there wasn't anything on his face at all. Instead, I played along with my wolf's whims. "Here, let me."

I reached my hand up, almost expecting him to flinch, but he stayed still, watching expectantly as I brought my fingers to his cheek. My thumb shaking as I went to wipe an imaginary spot just below his cheek, surprised that he didn't seem to mind how close we were.

"You got it?" He grinned, his lips curving upwards. I nodded, almost entranced at how at ease he was. "Gosh, that's embarrassing. I hope it wasn't there this whole time."

That and maybe the way the light lit up his face, dancing across his fair skin, the slight pout his lips made as he fretted over nothing, or the way he looked the same but so different made me wonder.

I wondered what it felt like.

And before long, before I could think it through or think at all, I leaned forward, my lips pressed against his for just a second. It had been the gentlest of touchest, almost so faint that I wasn't even sure if it could be considered a kiss, more like the mere touch of the lips.

But it had felt right. It had felt so right. Better than all the moments I had shared with Sarah, or anyone else. It had been one of the best things I felt in a long time, even better than the warmth of my hand along his jaw. It was like everything had fallen into place, every irrelevant thing disappearing for just this moment.

But I could sense it. His apprehension, the way his shoulders slid up like he was terrified. Could hear the way his breath escaped him nervously as I pulled away, my lips hovering in front of his trembling ones. His eyes shut tightly in front of me as if in pain. I gulped at the sight, reminding me so much of that day.

I was tired of being reminded of what happened. I wanted to see that confidence on his face, that joy from earlier. The eyes I had seen at his house, the laugh we shared after he told George off. But of course, my stupid, rash, and impulsive actions always ruin it.

Disheartened, I stepped back, my shaking hand falling limply at my side as I found myself afraid to even breathe. Despite how happy my wolf felt, how happy it felt at first, the silence was unnerving. It had probably only been a brief second, but it felt like forever when I finally heard him breathe shakily. I wasn't sure I could take it anymore, afraid of what he'd say, what he'd think. Did he even want that, or had I fucked everything up more, ruined it all like I always do?

I couldn't look at him anymore, not when his expression had dropped. What was I thinking? No, I hadn't been thinking at all.

A painful pause, before his meek reply, "was that you, or your wolf?"

I couldn't breathe, a strained whine was all that was heard in the dead silence, but I couldn't tell if it was him, his wolf, my wolf, or me. All I knew was that it hurt. It hurt so much.