Sasquatch to the Moon

13: If I Held My Breath, Would You Hold Yours Too?

"It is!" He throws his hands up. "I'm twenty three years old!"

"That's not a big fucking deal!" I snap. "I'm twenty six and I should not have had sex before now. It's not a stupid little age thing, it's not like everyone hits eighteen and should suddenly be completely ready to go out and have sex. Frankly, the more you talk about it the more I'm convinced that you being a fucking virgin at age 23 is a good thing!"

"How is it a good thing? Like literally every fucking other conversation we have with the guys is full of sex jokes and I just have to sit there and pretend like I fucking understand-"

"That's why I don't wanna have sex with you yet!" I try to keep my voice down because lord I know I'm scary and always am but frankly I don't think he gets this and don't think he ever will. "You're not fucking using it in terms of us you're just trying to make it about you, over and over it's just like I need to understand the jokes and I don't want to be the only one that's not done it and I wanna know what it's like. If you had had sex before you'd know it's just another fucking thing and that it's supposed to be between the two fucking people and not for the benefit of just one!"

"Then let it be just another fucking thing if that's what you say it is!"

"No!" I respond. "Because most of the time it's another fucking thing but not first times and it's sure as hell not going to be another fucking thing with us because with the way our whole fucking lives are structured I'd be willing to bet we're only going to be able to have sex like maybe once or twice a month at most! It can be another fucking thing with couples like Steph and August and Greenie and Jackie because they can have sex literally every night and not worry about it because that's just how it works!"

"And why the god hell can we not be like that? Just because you're a guy doesn't-"

"It does!" I want to shake him. "It would be fucking different if we weren't athletes, or if one of us wasn't or if both of us weren't! But Milo you know both of us are constantly fucking exhausted and the timing and the fucking everything about work is going to toss it all up in the air for the foreseeable future! Yeah, we'll be able to sneak some shit in sometimes but it's not gonna be at all like normal people have it."

"Håkon I just want to fucking do it! I feel fucking invalid and stupidly stupidly innocent all the time-"

"You're acting like an incel." I grumble.

He immediately gets defensive. "I'm fucking not!"

"You are," I shrug. "What would it look like if you were going to be the top in the dynamic? It would look rape-y, that's what it would look like."

"But I'm not."

"But you're still fucking pressuring me into sex that I've said no to."

"I'm not pressuring you into it I'm just trying to figure out why you don't want to because so far you haven't said a personal reason but rather it's got to do with me and I want to know why."

"I have personal reasons too but the big one is that you need to get out of your own head about this."

He groans. "What the fuck does that mean?"

"Would you be asking like this if everyone else- fuck it, if just Steph was still a virgin too?"

"What?"

"Is this your fucking reputation or your attraction to me? Is this about being able to be one of the fucking guys or actually wanting me?"

His jaw sets. "So it's about you now?"