— atsushi.
As the morning light trickled through the curtains Atsushi Nakajima would slowly start to wake. His eyes flickered open and soon he was well aware of the weight that pressed into his body. Atsushi wasn't quite sure what it was yet he found the warmth radiating off the mysterious presence nice. He reached down and tried to bring it closer but all sense seeed to return to his body when he felt the silky smooth of someone's hair.
Atsushi's gaze traveled down only to find Akutagawa's sleeping figure curled up against him. A second passed in which he thought he might be dreaming but soon enough he realized he was very much awake. He sits up, heat traveling up his neck and all across his cheeks. How the hell?!
He glances down at their clothing, it was the same as the night before which made relief settle inside of Atsushi. Still , he thinks as his eyes travel across the room and land on the other bed, that doesn't explain why we shared.
Atsushi groaned, running his fingers through his hair. His head was killing him and he could hardly remember how the night had ended, or at least how Akutagawa found himself sleeping next to him. That's what he got drinking. Atsushi could hardly complain though. He smiled, letting his back fall onto the pile of pillows behind him, right next to Akutagawa's sleeping figure. Their faces were so close he could feel the older man's breath against his skin.
He looked so peaceful, Atsushi had never seen him this way, especially not when Akutagawa was asleep. He wasn't sure he had even caught his partner sleeping. After so many nights of sharing beds Atsushi had yet to see him in such a state of bliss.
Now that the sight was right in front of Atsushi he was sure he'd treasure the memory forever. This was as close as the two of them would get, he knew that, but for some reasons he'd gotten hopeful last night. Alcohol sure had a way of messing with his perception of things.
Either way, he still couldn't shake the feeling that Akutagawa had said something that made him come to that conclusion. What exactly had it been?
Atsushi didn't have any more time to pounder because his partner began to move. Akutagawa's eyelashes fluttered like the delicate wings of a butterfly. Soon two gray orbs were staring right back at him.
He should be alarmed, or at least look away and yet couldn't seem to do so. Akutagawa's pale skin turned a color crimson around his nose and cheeks. The black hair on his head poking out in weird ways. This whole situation could be considered criminal. The rabid dog of the Port Mafia with bed hair.
"Good morning Atsushi." Akutagawa says, finally filling up the room with something other than silence.
"Good morning—" Atsushi stops. Had he heard that right? "Did you just call me by my first name?"
Akutagawa rubs his eyes, "You asked me to call you that last night."
What? "Oh. I guess I did."
Panic ran through Atsushi. What else had he done?
His thoughts are once again interrupted by Akutagawa. However this time his partner was touching him. Akutagawa's hand cupped the side of Atsushi's face. It's soft, utterly and completely gentle. The action is so jarring that Atsushi has to remind himself that these hands were the same used for unspeakable things. These hands were the same ones that wouldn't hesitate to kill him only six months ago. And yet he isn't scared in the slightest, not at all, because the Akutagawa touching him now was changed. No longer the monster the world thought he was.
"About last night..." Akutagawa starts, not pulling his hand away from Atsushi's face.
"Yeah i'm sorry," he answers, "I'm sure I did something stupid."
Akutagawa laughs at that, "I wouldn't call it stupid, more like bold."
Akutagawa is still holding his face, something that Atsushi forgets until his partner runs his fingers down the side of his face. Akutagawa's fingers grow dangerously close to his lips. The action caused Atsushi's cheeks to grow redder than they already were. He averts his eyes, what is he doing ? It's over in a second when Akutagawa wipes the spot right beside Atsushi lips.
"You had a little bit of wine from last night," he brings his finger to his mouth, licking away the residue.
There was no denying Akutagawa was acting strange. What exactly had Atsushi done to pull this side out of him? Almost like he wasn't holding back anymore. He frowned, he had an idea of what might have accrued between them but Atsushi felt too bad at the thought of it. If he had by some chance confessed the way he felt then...he had to shut this down. Even if Akutagawa reciprocated Atsushi wanted his confession to be genuine, or at least something he could remember the next day. If not he didn't want any of this.
Atsushi grabbed hold of Akutagawa by his shoulders, finally his turn to touch the other. "Whatever I said, o-or I did last night, please just forget it."
Something like pain flashes across Akutagawa's face. It terrifies him but that quickly fades as the older man breaks into a small smile. He ruffles Atsushi's hair. "Don't worry Jinko, you just started shit talking Dazai."
Atsushi wants to smile back but he can't help and notice Akutagawa calls him by that stupid nickname again.
— akutagawa.
Chuuya was waiting for Akutagawa by the time they got on the train. His mentor looked awfully smug as he followed him into their carriage. He took a seat by the window. The two men then settled into a comfortable silence, well Akutagawa assumed so for Chuuya, because he himself felt like shit. Last night was a lot. Atsushi was honest with him and Akutagawa had told the other things he never thought he'd be able to. And when Atsushi...when he—
Akutagawa shook his head. For the weretiger not to remember and furthermore, telling him to forget it made that place on above his chest hurt. The pain wasn't like one he had longed for, or rather not the kind he would expect from this. His mind darted back to that day in the corridor. Chuuya's tear stained face.
No , he quickly glanced at his mentor. Akutagawa was so stupid for thinking he could escape the sting of love. This whole time he was under the impression he was free of the clutches of that memory when the truth of the matter was he had only run away from it; and now it had caught up with him. How pathetic . However, a tiny smile still grows on his face. At least it was me who got hurt and not him . Akutagawa wasn't sure what he would've done if he subjected Atsushi to this pain. He'd start by never forgiving himself.
Chuuya pulls him out his thoughts by clearing his throat. Akutagawa looked at him, his gaze asking 'what is it?'
"W-when Dazai was still in the mafia did you ever suspect our relationship?"
He's taken aback by the question. This was the first time he ever heard Chuuya actually acknowledge his relationship with Dazai.
"Not at all."
"I see."
Both slip into that silence once more. A minute passes before Chuuya opens his mouth again. "I have the feeling you're not being honest. There are moments when you look at me in such a way that I can't help but think you knew. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know it was you in the corridor that day."
Akutagawa's eyes traveled up to meet Chuuya's. His mentor wore a gentle smile, one that reassured him he shouldn't be afraid of being honest.
"Yeah, that was me."
The red head sighs, "I'm sorry you had to see that."
He could tell the apology was genuine, not that he was ever expecting to receive one. Akutagawa was content knowing that the Dazai and Chuuya's relationship was no longer like that. It gave him a kind of hope. He was hurting now, but maybe things might just work out.
Akutagawa turned back to his mentor.
"Are you happy?" he asked.
Chuuya nodded slowly, "I'd say so."
"How?"
"What exactly is this about Akutagawa?"
He buries his face into the palm of his hand, embarrassed. "There weretiger and I."
Chuuya laughs which makes him want to punch the redhead in the stomach. "Coming to big brother Chuuya for love advice, how domestic."
"If you're going to make fun of me then I rather not hear it."
He waves his hand in the air, "No! I'll help you," Chuuya brought on a focused expression, almost like he was thinking extremely hard. "Well, have you had sex yet?"
Suddenly all the oxygen in the carriage was non-existent and Akutagawa broke into a coughing fit. "Of course not you animal! We've just—" Akutagawa has to stop himself then, remembering what had happened last night. He couldn't count on that after Atsushi had told him to forget it. "We're just friends but it doesn't feel that way."
"Strange. Dazai and I were already sleeping together by now."
"Well obviously we're different."
"Yeah, you're both blushing virgins."
Akutagawa groans, "Do you consider this helping?"
"I'm only joking but I do understand how you feel. We've all been there and the one way to get yourself out of this situation is to talk to him."
Akutagawa perks up, "That's it? So easy"
"You'd be surprised with how hard a conversation can be—
He doesn't bother letting Chuuya finish as he stands up. He looks out the carriage window, past the hallway and onto the carriage across from there's. There he can see Dazai and Atsushi in deep conversation. All he had to do was push the sliding door and talk to the weretiger. Just as he had said it wasn't that hard. However, the longer he stared at Atsushi the more he couldn't calm his beating heart and shaking hands. Akutagawa eventually gives up and sits back down next to Chuuya.
"Not. A. Word."
"Take your time."
— atsushi.
Atsushi could practically feel Dazai's eyes burning holes into his back. He'd been trying to ignore the feeling for the last thirty minutes but it felt like his superior's presence was trying to consume him. However, Atsushi knew better than to give in. Dazai had already noted Atsushi's gloomy mood from the moment he'd arrived on the train's platform, how could he not? Nothing passed him. One word and Dazai would know everything that was going on with Akutagawa.
Yes, I'll just sit here and be quiet.
"So Atsushi," Dazai spoke, which pulled out a surprised squeak out of the boy in question. "How was last night?"
Atsushi shakes his head, like he's trying to deny this conversation. "Absolutely normal."
Dazai's head tilts, an innocent expression on his face which is in fact not innocent at all. "Then why is it you reek of red wine?" he leans closer, sniffing him. "That smells like Chuuya's favorite brand."
Atsushi tries to escape Dazai's antics by scooting away from him. "He brought a bottle by the room and we had a drink."
Dazai pinched his nose, "More like bathed in it. I'm guessing your head is killing you right now."
Atsushi wants to roll his eyes but holds back the urge.
"Wait...did you say 'we'?" Dazai asks, a mischievous tone disguised as curiosity .
"Yes?"
A smirk slowly grows on Dazai's face. "You don't sound so sure," he brings a hand to his face, "Who knew Akutagawa had it in him. How scandalous~"
Atsushi feels his cheeks flare at the implication of that statement. It wasn't like he's sure nothing of that sort happened. No , he shakes his head, Akutagawa wouldn't take advantage of me like that . But he still can't deny the thought makes his heart beat a little faster than before.
"What did you talk about?" Dazai pried.
There weretiger crosses his arms and looks away. "With all due respect but that is none of your business."
"From your reaction I can tell it was big. I'm afraid you're not very good at hiding this sort of thing."
Atsushi refuses to look at his mentor. Instead his gaze travels towards the carriage's window. He can see Chuuya and Akutagawa in the compartment across the hall. The sight of the older man catches him by surprise, he seems so comfortable around the Port Mafia executive. Atsushi guesses it's only natural for the two of them to be close, but he can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy.
This morning Akutagawa had been so soft with him that for a second he thought he was making progress in his desperate attempt of getting what he wanted, which was Akutagawa. However Atsushi had gone and ruined things like he always did. If only he could remember what he had done last night.
They were so close yet so many fucking miles apart. Atsushi felt the sudden urge to scream, or just cry. He took a long shaky breath, not here .
Out of nowhere he felt a gentle touch to his knee. He recognized who it was instantly, the hand of a man that wiped all ferocity from his body, getting rid of the tiger and other things. Atsushi turned to find Dazai wearing his usual thin lipped smile. His eyes traveled to the ground. Dazai was trying to reassure him just like a good mentor should, yet Atsushi thought back to Akutagawa. Was this the same man he knew? So kind and caring. He knew the answer as much as it hurt, of course not . The hands he himself finds warm are the same violent ones that plague Akutagawa's nightmares.
However, he couldn't help but think that by helping Atsushi it was Dazai's way of saying sorry to his previous apprentice.
"Talk to him." Dazai whispered.
"Why?" Atsushi dared to ask, tell me what you get out of this .
"Because I know you'll make eachother happy."
Hearing those words made Atsushi almost reach out to his mentor, simply to wrap his arms around him and hold him tight. But right now that wasn't the time for that. He had received his orders from Dazai and now he was to execute them. Slowly, he rose from his seat and planted himself in front of the sliding door. Atsushi took a deep breath before turning the knob. Just as he did that Akutagawa did the same. The moment they stepped into the hallway their bodies bumped into each other.
Multicolored eyes met grey ones. For a second it felt like they were the only people in this god forsaken world. Atsushi lets himself forget about Dazai, about Chuuya as his thoughts are quickly overtaken by Akutagawa. The black haired man with too much passion, stupid gentleness and all the other things that had made Atsushi fall in love with him. Utterly and completely.
The lights in their bedroom seem to dim as the night progresses, and he feels so happy. Giggly too, like nothing was stopping him from doing whatever he wanted. Akutagawa sat cross legged, laughing with a wine glass in his hand. The sight adds another layer to his happiness. Suddenly Atsushi realizes how close they are. What was it? One or two feet? He put down his wine glass on the carpeted floor. He scooted forward, bringing his face only mere inches away from Akutagawa's. They stare into each other's eyes intensely, just like those times they fought each other. It means connection, it means—
Atsushi's body moves on his own. He cups both sides of Akutagawa's face and pulls him in. Their lips meet, a stiff kiss that becomes more comfortable when Akutagawa realizes what's going on. Atsushi melts into it, tasting red wine on the other's tongue. As they pull away, all breathless, he wonders why the hell hadn't done that sooner.
The moment the memory registers in Atsushi's head, he feels like everything clicks. The way Akutagawa had acted in the morning, and the pain that flashed across his face when he had told him to forget it. His eyes widened, this means he feels the same way .
He looks at his partner, who seems to be waiting for him to speak. Instead Atsushi wrapped his arms around Akutagawa's neck, pulling the older man into a tight hug.
"I remember everything. You. We." Blush the color of roses spread across his face, he wasn't sure how to talk to him after he had done that .
He can feel Akutagawa chuckle, "Not so easy to just 'forget about', is it now?" He uses the weretiger's own words against him. Akutagawa pulls away from the embrace wearing a sickenly smug smile, not that Atsushi minds. "It's about time you and I had a talk."
Finally, for the first time today Atsushi felt like he could smile genuinely. "We waited long enough."
—
a/n : thanks so much for reading and pls support this fic on ao3 as well
song for the chapter : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ptgVKcTYsE