A R A B E L L A
I got drunk.
Fuck. I woke up with the worst hangover. And slowly I started to recall yesterday's events. I got fucking drunk. I went out of control. I screwed up. Again.
All the anger that I felt yesterday was gradually coming back. I grabbed my sports clothes and ran to the gym downstairs where I could let my rage out on the punching bag.
I can't believe I got fucking drunk. I barely get drunk anymore. I wonder how many bottles of alcohol I consumed. Fucking hell. I feel like shit, just like I felt every time I got drunk two and a half years ago.
Since it was six in the morning so I doubt anyone was awake. They probably spend the whole night searching for me. I felt so fucking bad. I hate that they saw me in that state. So weak. So vulnerable. I was a goddamn mess. And they saw it all.
I wouldn't be surprised if they don't want anything to do with me anymore. Who would want a broken, alcoholic, and drug addict for a daughter or sister? No one. I don't even want myself, so how would someone else want me?
Without wrapping my hand, I start punching the bag with every emotion I still had trapped in me for years.
Punch.
'i promise, I will never leave you'
Punch.
'Pinky swear?'
Punch.
'Yes, pinky swear. I will always keep you safe and be by your side'
Punch.
'You are the best best friend I could ever ask for'
Punch.
"And you are the most amazing strictly-platonic soulmate I could ever imagine'
Punch.
'i love you, Noah bear'
Punch.
'i love you, Ella.'
Punch.
'Always and forever
Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch.
He broke the goddamn promise. He fucking left me. He died. He isn't here with me anymore. He isn't here by my side. He isn't here to protect me.
I haven't realized that my knuckles are bleeding till I heard the punching bad fell on the floor due to the force I was using. The loud thud bought me back to reality as the adrenaline started to wear off and the burning sensation of my fresh wounds started to appear.
"You should have wrapped your hands, Bambina." I heard Emilio's worried, soft voice.
"I am fine." I cleared my throat as I obviously grew awkward when I realized that all of them were watching me.
"Principessa, yesterday I thought it would be better to talk today. So we will be waiting for you in the living room." Papa told me. His voice hadn't changed. it was still warm whenever he talked to me.
"You don't have to tell us about your past if you arent ready. But we would like to know what happened yesterday." Leo added.
I sigh but nodded nevertheless before I went back to my room and cleaned myself up. They deserve to know at least what went on yesterday. But I wanted to tell them about my past. I trust them. I am ready.
After I cleaned my knuckles from the blood that was covering them, I put on black leggings and a white T-shirt. I took deep breaths as I walked back to the living room where everyone was waiting for me.
"His name was Noah," I started as I took a seat on the sofa where no one was sitting."He was Adrian's younger brother. We might not have been related by blood but considered him and Adrian my brothers. He was my person. I would die in a heartbeat for him. He was one of the few people who could calm me down when I had one of my tantrums. He understood me, no matter how complicated I was.
Much to people's disbelief, there was never anything romantic between us. I could never describe how much I love him and when he died, I fell into a bad place. I was lost. I was used to depending on him. My happiness relied on his existence. After his death, I would lock myself in my room for days, I didn't eat or speak to anyone everyone. To let go, forget, and numb the pain, I started attending parties and drinking. My depression got worse when I start to use drugs. Thankfully before I got addicted Mama found out and stopped me. But the way she found out—God. I could never forgive myself for putting her through that. She found me unconscious in my room after I had overdosed due to a miscalculation I made when I took the drugs." A lone tear fell down my cheek.
I didn't dare to look up and see the pity and sympathy in their eyes. I didn't even tell them the full story yet. I wasn't sure if they could handle it.
"How did he die? if you don't mind me asking." Marco asked.
"Fuck. I am not sure if you guys are ready to hear this." I sigh.
"We assure you we can handle it, pumpkin." Just by hearing the nickname, I knew those were Lucas' words.
"We were walking at night when a bunch of guys jumped us they tried to um, r-rape me but Noah protected me but then they drugged us and kidnapped us they keep us for two weeks before our family found us. These two weeks were hell. They tortured us, starved us, and made us watch each other in pain. And that shit was the worst kind of torture. Hearing him scream in agony broke my heart. He always tried to protect me no matter what. When they started to beat me, he would provoke them so they would direct their anger toward him instead. Then our family came back to save us..."
F L A S H B A C K
"That's our only opportunity to get out of here." I whispered as we discreetly walked out of the cell we have been locked in for days.
"I promise I will get you out of this shit hole, Ella." He reassured me, his words immediately easing my worry and fear. "No matter what happens today, I want you to know that—"
That's when I noticed him. One of the guards had been taking pleasure in torturing us. He was standing a few feet away from us with a gun in his hand aiming in our direction. Before I could pull Noah back, the monster pulled the trigger. The gunshot rang in the empty halls.
His chest. It hits his chest. Blood was covering his dirty shirt as he placed his hand on the wound. I was frozen in place. My worst nightmare.
When I found the courage to look up again I saw my mother taking out her knife as she fight the monster before I looked into his eyes. There was no sign of fear.
Noah's body fell to the floor. I forced myself to get over my shock and kneeled next to his almost lifeless body.
"S-stay awake, Noah. Please d-don't leave me, please, Noah." I stuttered as begged him to fight "Everything will be alright. You will be alright. They are here. We will get you to the nearest hospital right away."
"Ella it is my time. I am okay. I am not afraid. I just want you to know that I love you, my sweet Ella. You need to continue living and being happy. Enjoy life 'cause you won't have another chance to do it. Don't be sad for too long after I go." He tried to chuckle but it only made more blood gushing out of his mouth.
"Shut up. Just shut the fuck up. You aren't going anywhere. Just hold on a bit. You are a strong fight." I had my hands on his wound hopeless trying to stop the uncontrollable blood.
"Ella we both know that I won't survive. This is a fatal wound. My death doesn't mean that I am leaving you, I will always be with you. I will watch you from above, I promise." He weakly smiled as more tears streamed down my face. "Remember what I told you a few weeks ago before we were kidnapped? Well, I don't know where the bitch went. She disappeared. I want you to promise that you will find her and take back what's mine from her and protect—" His bloody coughs stopped him from continuing his sentence. But he didn't have to, I understood.
"Shh, don't waste your energy. I promise. I love you, Noah. Always and forever."
"Always and forever." His breathing slowed down as his eyes shut down and the arm I was holding became lifeless.
"No. Please no. Nooo!!!"I screamed as my mother ran to me and held me while I sobbed and yelled.
F L A S H B A C K O V E R
"I am so sorry I wasn't there to protect you, Principessa." Papa kneeled beside me as he buried his head in my lap. I cried. I cried for myself. I cried for Noah. I cried for Adrian. I cried for my mother. I cried for my family.
"It wasn't your fault, Papa. Stop blaming yourself." I kissed his head. It pained me that my father was feeling guilty and faulting himself for everything thing bad that I had experienced.
Emilio, Matteo, and Alex were sitting back on the sofa across the room as they let the tears fall. I couldn't see Marco's face as he had his hands covering it. Lucas kept pacing around the room, cursing. His fist turned white and I knew he couldn't keep his anger a bait for too long anymore.
"Picolla, I am sorry I was a good older brother until now." Leo sat beside me. And for the first time in months, I saw a tear ready to fall from his eyes. "And I am sorry I have to ask but did they ever touch you while you were in the cell?"
I kept quiet for a while and then replied. "Yes. Yes, they did touch me. But I was lucky enough that it never got to the point of rape."
Lucas stormed out of the room slamming the door on his way. It was better this way, if he stayed he was gonna do something he will regret while letting his anger out on us.
"I am so fucking sorry. So sorry. I am sorry for being such a bad father. A failure. I failed you. My little girl, my only daughter. I could never express how sorry I truly am." I felt liquid on my lap, and I felt someone stabbing my heart when I realized that my father was crying.
"Papa." my voice cracked. "You are the best father I could have asked for. Please, I beg you don't blame yourself for this. None of it was your fault, you couldn't have prevented this. It breaks my heart to see you like this."
"Papa, please don't blame yourself. We all feel guilty. But it was in the past and we can't change what already happened. However, we can make up for it." Leo tried to console our father.
• • •
After we spent hours sitting in the living room talking about my past trauma, Lucas came back and apologize for acting that way. Emilio suggested that we spend some quality time together. And since I wanted some homemade and fresh cookies I dragged all of them to the kitchen.
"No!" I yelled at Matteo. "Don't put the chocolate chips before the butter, idiot."
"What? Why not? Never mind. But can we at least put the whole bag of chocolate chips in the mix later, cause I love them."
"Sure we can do that, Matteo." I laughed.
I didn't miss the warm look on my brother's and father's faces after hearing my laugh for the first time today. That made me comprehend how much they truly ad genuinely care. An unknown flame ignites my heart at that realization.
After we baked the cookies, Alexandre convinced us to eat the whole batch while watching Fast and Furious on the big screen we had in the movie room.
We, of course, didn't stop at one movie, not at the one batch of fresh cookies. So that's how we spent the whole night watching a ton of movies and eating whatever snacks and junk food we had in the pantry.
I loved every minute of it.
I wanna try to move on from the past. I wanna focus on the present and work for a better future.
It's time. It's time for me to allow myself to be happy and to let go.
It's fucking time.