It takes Lisa a full minute to realize her bath bomb has dissolved completely.
The deep blue is supposed to be relaxing, with its seaweed promising to clear her mind and lavender and lemon oils filling the room, taking her back to handpicking citrus in the orchard. But all it does is remind her of the way Chaeyoung's eyes look in the early sunlight coming through the drawn shades.
She sighs.
Trying her hardest to keep her mind in the moment, Lisa takes off her robe and hangs it on the hook by the door, ties her hair into a knot and tip toes inside the bathtub, until she's comfortably soaked, the warm water lulling her into a calm she hasn't known in a while.
The last few weeks have been... rough.
She doesn't regret walking up to Chaeyoung in that parking lot and kissing her until they were both breathless. She doesn't regret the lingering touches and silly pictures that followed the one that got published. She doesn't regret it, she wouldn't take any of it back - the quiet mornings in bed, the whispered "I love you" , the promises that seemed too big in the approaching dawn.
Chaeyoung makes her feel things she had only read about, had given up ever feeling them. Chaeyoung - just Chaeyoung , not Chaeyoung Park, the popstar - makes Lisa feel truly alive for the first time in her life.
That's not the part Lisa hates, the one she wishes she could peel from her skin and forget it ever touched it.
Saying a solid fuck it to her plans of not getting her hair wet, Lisa holds her breath and slides down the bathtub, until she's completely submerged. Her ears pop and her lungs start burning way too soon, but she needs the feeling of water surrounding her, just warm enough for it to feel like she's floating in nothingness.
Only a moment passes before she's crushing the surface, gasping slightly for air, reaching for a towel before the salt gets in her eyes. She pats her face dry and settles back down, closing her eyes, letting her arms float around her.
She might go swim on the river when it gets warmer - she needs the quietness of the water to calm her thoughts, her heart, her soul.
The picture of them kissing in the parking lot was just the beginning, the tip of the iceberg. Once they posted that selfie of them - in bed, nonetheless, looking very much sated and glowing - got online, paparazzis surrounded them like vultures.
Somehow, they managed to stay in their happy little bubble all of Sunday and a good part of Monday morning. Truthfully, most of it was spent in bed, mapping valleys and curves, committing sighs to memory, holding hands in that way only new lovers knew how.
But all their peace came crashing down the moment they left for the airport.
For a moment, Lisa thought someone was shooting at them. It took her a few blinks to realize a bunch of photographers had been all but camping outside Chaeyoung's building - which is a safety issue on itself - waiting for the moment they decided to come out. Chaeyoung rolled down the window and smiled, said hello, but Lisa couldn't shake out of her haze fast enough for the cameras to capture anything but a grumpy face.
Which would be fine, if those pictures hadn't been all over the internet a hot minute later.
Chaeyoung had dropped her off at the airport with a lengthy kiss before speeding off. Something had gone wrong with one of her songs and she'd have to record the track again so they could finish the album, but she didn't leave until Lisa promised to call her the moment she landed and gave her another kiss that left them both panting.
When she did land, Lisa turned her phone on, only for it to freeze with the amount of notifications that flooded the device. Her Google alert for Chaeyoung was still set up, but the face that showed up wasn't the one Lisa spent a good hour looking at - it was her own.
They had tracked her every move.
As she scrolled through her notifications, Lisa saw herself kissing Chaeyoung until she had a silly happy smile on her face, dragging her luggage around, buying a water bottle - she could even see the frown she had on when she realized how overpriced it was -, reading a book in the waiting area, getting to the gate.
And every picture came with a meaner headline.
"Chaeyoung Park's new lover doesn't seem too happy about their relationship."
"Did Park really trade Suho Kim for Grumpy Cat?"
"What's wrong with Chaeyoung's girlfriend's face and what does the popstar see in her?"
Lisa shut her phone off after reading a couple articles promising their readers that they'd find out all they could about the grumpy new lover , and didn't remember to turn it on again - or call Chaeyoung - until she was ready for bed.
When Lisa did call, only marginally calmer after a bucket of chamomile tea, Clare was livid .
Chaeyoung more yelled than greeted her hello, her voice shaking as she told Lisa she had been worried sick all fucking day and not being able to reach her phone or the hotel's hadn't helped at all, because Lisa had promised to call - " and you're supposed to keep a goddamn promise, Lisa" .
The phone lines had been down in the whole town and around it for almost half a week now, but it totally slipped Lisa's mind as she barked back that she hadn't been able to keep her food down after seeing her whole life exposed like that, her every movement stripped down like a science experiment.
Between Chaeyoung bursting into tears with how worried she had been and Lisa shutting down completely, refusing to say anything, they ended up having their first real argument.
It didn't last. They were both still desperately clinging to the honeymoon phase that was slipping through their fingers way too fast. Within half an hour, Lisa had apologized for not calling, and Chaeyoung understood how overwhelming it all could be.
And that had just been their first argument.
All their three hour long phone conversations about how infinite they felt and Skype dates to watch Disney movies together had given way to anxious texting whatever the newest rumor about Lisa was and Twitter stalking her own girlfriend to quell the aching in her chest.
Her girlfriend . Fuck- they haven't even had enough time to discuss that, to talk about what they mean to each other, how they want to present themselves to the world.
It had been the tabloids who had decided it for them.
Lisa knew what it would entail, to date Chaeyoung. All the time they'd spend away from each other, how much the media would try to get on their business, people constantly questioning Lisa's intentions, everything that came with being a little nobody dating someone famous.
Logically , Lisa knew all that.
But knowing it doesn't make it any easier to go to bed alone, knowing the woman she loves is halfway across the country and there are thousands of people wanting to learn every single detail there is to know about Lisa.
Sighing, Lisa reaches out to get her phone from a towel she put beside the bathtub.
That's another thing that has changed drastically after she met Chaeyoung, after she allowed herself to believe they could be something.
Six months ago, she's take her bath reading a good book, or maybe with some podcast playing in the background if she felt like she needed to submerge completely in the water. In a day like this, when the world seems heavier than usual, Lisa would light up as many candles as possible and bring some wine along, getting herself just tipsy enough that she didn't feel silly about sliding backwards and forwards to make waves, smiling at it like a little kid.
Now, the first thing she does is reach for her phone.
Her thumb hovers over the messages app, then the camera - she could snap a picture and send it to Chaeyoung after spending a good fifteen minutes coming up with a flirty caption, it wouldn't be the first time.
But they've got into yet another argument this morning over Lisa flying to Los Angeles to get this story straight with the press. Lisa said plain and clear that she wouldn't leave the hotel she worked so hard to build from the ground up so they could explain their relationship to people who just wanted to gossip about it. Chaeyoung pushed her to do it, to do this for them, because this could make things better and everyone would settle down after they saw that they were happy together. Then Lisa snapped, yelled back that she wouldn't play pretend just so it doesn't affect her album release, and hung up.
Yeah, not her finest moment.
So instead, she opens the Twitter app.
Jennie made her an account after the fourth time she had to show her something about Chaeyoung in her own phone, and Lisa has been using it mostly to follow the news, a few wholesome tweets accounts and whoever posted a lot of nature pictures. And Chaeyoung.
Before she even realizes it, Lisa finds herself flying to Chaeyoung's profile, scrolling down her tweets. There's nothing there. They're mostly retweets about this interview or that, some news outlet congratulating her on moving up on iTunes charts, whoever runs the MTV Twitter talking about listening to the two songs she released last week on repeat. Every now and then, there's Chaeyoung quoting a tweet with a LOL or an emoji.
Lisa scrolls up, opens Chaeyoung's profile picture, taking in the all too serious face covered in a wild pattern of what looks like war paint. It's a promotional picture for the music video she saw Chaeyoung shooting - when she asked Chaeyoung to go on a date with her, when Chaeyoung kissed her without giving a damn about whoever could see them.
Her chest crumples with guilt and remorse. Because there's a reason Lisa likes to keep her distance from everyone, there's a reason she's so set on her ways - when she doesn't have a solid grip on her emotions, she gets mean and ugly, and apology doesn't come easy to her.
As she taps out of the picture, Lisa sees there's a new tweet from Chaeyoung. She clicks on the little notification and her dinner almost comes back up.
@ChaeyoungPark I'm not that wise so I keep it inside 'cause distance is taxing, I can't relax. So I take a walk, walk outside and I look at the world through my sad eyes #newsong #lyricsteaser #stonesandstars
Reading that fifteen times doesn't make it feel like any less of a punch to her stomach. 'Cause distance is taxing . Lisa grips her phone tighter, trying to will her hands to stop shaking. Because Chaeyoung might have posted it as a lyrics teaser for her upcoming album, and it might not have any hidden meaning behind that tweet.
But Lisa can't help but think it's about her - she remembers listening to that same song, all those months ago, half hidden in between bushes, slowly falling in love with Chaeyoung.
Less than a minute goes by before Chaeyoung posts another tweet.
@ChaeyoungPark I was scared to let you know I need you, by my side, said I need you, by my side #onemore #imgonebeforeigetintotrouble #idkhowtousehashtags
Lisa almost lets her phone drop in the water as she taps out the Twitter app and finds Chaeyoung's contact. Taking in a deep breath, she taps the button to make the call, knowing very much it's about twelve hours overdue, praying for her girlfriend to answer it.
It rings twice before Chaeyoung picks up.
" Hi," her voice is short and dry, a far cry from her usually warm ' hey, babe '. But Lisa finds herself glad to hear her voice at all.
"I'm sorry," Lisa blurts out in lieu of a hello. It's what she should have said this morning instead of hanging up on her girlfriend like a petty teenager that didn't get what they wanted. It's what have been threatening to burst her at the seams, "I shouldn't have said- I was completely out of line saying... all that."
" Yeah, you were, " Chaeyoung sighs, and Lisa can almost picture her pushing her hair back, like she does when she's frustrated. " I know this whole situation is a mess, but you don't get to turn on me like that. "
She's right. Of course, she's right. "I know. I never meant to." The burning in Lisa's chest gets worse when she remembers what she said and how much it hurt Chaeyoung, how much it looks like she genuinely turned on her. "I just-" She barely has the energy to fight the tears that roll down her cheeks, "Chaeyoung, I don't know how to handle this."
" You can learn without- " Chaeyoung stops halfway through her sentence and takes a deep breath, grunts in frustration, but Lisa knows what words should follow. You can learn how to handle with people wanting to know about you without blaming me for every little thing and making me feel like shit in the same way Suho used to.
"I know. I am really sorry," Lisa breathes out once more, knowing she'll say it over and over again until Chaeyoung believes in her. She knows she'll do anything so she never has to hear the hurt in Chaeyoung's voice again. "I'll go to Los Angeles, I'll smile to the cameras, I'll do whatever we need to do to ride it out. As long as we're together. I'll be there, pushing through it, until we have quiet. It takes as long as it takes."
Lisa means it. She means every single word.
Jennie can run the place just fine for a few months while they're still in low season, and not much that needs her immediate attention can't be solved over the phone. She'll put a goddamn hanger in her mouth if she has to, but the press will get their pictures and leave them the fuck alone.
Chaeyoung takes a moment to answer and Lisa can hear the soft ruffle of sheets - she could be there, she should be there. " I'm not sure we'll ever have quiet. Not here, anyway. " Chaeyoung sighs and Lisa sighs with her, feeling their shared need for said quiet that won't come easy, " But- don't come just yet. "
It makes Lisa's skin crawl with something too similar to fear, "What, why?"
" I'm completely booked for the next two weeks, I wouldn't- Well, it'd just get messier. " Chaeyoung says, plain and simple, and Lisa swallows thickly - she didn't realize Chaeyoung's schedule was so busy, which only proves how much of their talking has been filled with dumb arguments, " But I have a few free days after that. Then we'll think of something. "
Lisa nods to no one in particular, willing the lump in her throat to go away. She's quiet for a moment, staring at the bright blue water that is growing lukewarm. "Chaeyoung. Are we-" It stings her throat, but she needs to know. "Are we okay?"
" Yeah. Yeah, we're okay. " Chaeyoung says and Lisa breathes out, tucking her knees to her chest and splashing water over the edge of the tub - she doesn't even mind it, because they're okay. " Are you taking a bath? "
Lisa smiles at Chaeyoung's incredulous tone - her muscles almost hurt at the movement after being in a frown all day - and says she is.
When Chaeyoung asks for a selfie in a low voice, Lisa can't help but thank every stone in her path and every star in the sky that she gets to have Chaeyoung all to herself.