I want to be with you. It's as simple, and as complicated as that.
—charles bukowski
▬▬▬ ♫ : ▬▬▬
A Million Dreams - The Greatest Showman
Birds - Imagine Dragons
▬▬▬ ✦ ▬▬▬
AUDREY
Having provided nothing but terse, sketchy texts in response to my boyfriend's understandable concerns for the whole of last weekend, I was feeling veritably abhorrent.
When throughout the whole of the school day on Monday we didn't so much as cross paths, I knew this had reached its limit. I had to stop procrastinating like a wimp and act.
I couldn't allow myself to fall back into my old patterns of overthinking. They had caused enough harm already.
Treading down the windy street, I got my phone out, hoping he wasn't too mad at me just yet and not everything was lost. My fingers hovered over the keypad tensely.
me: hi
me: cam, i'm sorry
me: i'm headed towards the bookshop rn. my shift starts in 15 mins.
me: could we meet up there... to talk?
me: please
I bit my nails, waiting for his answer. The weather got more and more blustery with each step I took, and I was lucky to have had the good sense to tie my hair back. Otherwise, it would be blowing wildly all around my face right now, and not in that sensual Pantene commercial style—that I can tell you for sure.
cam: ok
cam: be there in 10
I inhaled a large gulp of air and let it all out in one hefty breath. The door to Rivera Books was locked, so I was left to just stand leaning against it, waiting for either Dominic with the keys, or my death. Whichever came first.
I drummed an impatient rhythm against the windowsill. Harsh wind showered through the maple leaves in forceful gusts, which swished sibilantly in turn.
Too preoccupied with my nonsensical restlessness, I didn't even notice Cameron arrive until we were face to face.
His expression was expectant. "Hey," I softened the word with an unconfident smile.
"Hey," he returned it back.
"Okay, so. . .look. I'm sorry for practically ignoring you yesterday. And the day before," I hauled my gaze up to his.
"But what happened?" I realized then that I had underestimated him. He wasn't going to be mad at me—no. He was better than that. He just wanted to clear this muddle up as soon as possible, and move on. Like the mature person of the relationship.
"Uh. . . I'm just gonna lay it all right out, okay?" I drew in a breath. "So, you know how terribly nosy I can be, right? Well, basically,"— I braced myself mentally to finally drop it— "when I was at your place this Friday, I happened to see a. . .an Application Guide for the Oxford University, and so I freaked out a little cause that lead me to assume what I feared most and I know I should've just asked you straight off but I kept procrastinating because I was afraid of what you might answer and—"
I was completely out of breath at that point.
"Audrey," Cameron pronounced steadily. "Everything's okay. I'm not going to Oxford. That was just an idea of my father's before I told him my actual plans."
"You're not?" My tone had unconsciously lit up to a relieved pitch. "Wait, I meant, if you were then that'd be totally great, and I shouldn't be stopping you cause it's an excellent opportunity for you and your future—"
"Audrey. Are you joking right now? I thought this one was obvious." He looked outspokenly disappointed in me. "I'm not interested in any kind of future that doesn't involve you." His intent gaze squeezed my heart.
"Me neither. It's just that when I saw it, I was so scared of you leaving, I flipped—" I broke myself off. "Is it selfish that I don't want you to leave?"
Cameron's expression was composed as he shrugged. "Even if you wanted me to, I would never."
"The colleges I've applied to are all either in Boston or nearby." My breath hitched. Tufts— my goal college— was in Boston. I did mention it to him on a previous occasion. But a suspicion suddenly crawled up my spine:
"Did you. . .did you do that because of me?"
He sighed. "I definitely would've. But I see what you're getting at, and okay, if it really makes you feel better: I've wanted to get into Northeastern before I met you." His eyes unglued from me, surveying the wide sky above as he reworded: "Met you for the second time, I mean."
"Also," he spread a smile onto his face, as he presented the blissful truth: "I've looked it up—our two colleges are somewhere 'round eight miles apart. That's no more than a twenty-minute car ride."
I felt a levitating sensation in my chest. What my ears were hearing sounded too ideal to be true.
"D'you understand?" He no longer could suppress his excitement, grabbing me by my shoulders and shaking me up, playfully. I laughed— the sound vibrating as my body shook. "We could see each other practically every day if we wanted to!"
"Oh my gosh, Cam!" I almost yelled. "That's just too perfect," I seized hold of my cheeks, as they gleamed like a star, staring at him, awestruck. "Is this a dream?"
"I hope not."
I sprung onto his shoulders, my feet coming off the ground, and squealed into his shirt. "All I need is to get into Tufts now," I commented on the detail lightly, as if it were something minor.
"Yeah, and me into Northeastern," he joined my silly laughter as he swung me around in the hug. I guess we both understood how stupid it was to celebrate something that hadn't happened yet. But, hey ho; we did anyway.
"Sup, guys! Sorry to interrupt the cutest hug in history," Dominic greeted, not the slightest bit sorry.
I came off Cameron's shoulders, seeing Dominic and his company: Syd, and two pizza boxes. We all exchanged casual greetings.
"Well, you sure did take your time," I cast a look at my watch. "It's ten past."
"Yeah, and what's more, as it turns out: we're having a day off today," he announced, as simply as that. "How would y'all like a picnic? We have pizza," he presented the boxes, stating the self-evident. A striped picnic blanket hanged from Syd's right shoulder.
I eyed the enticing boxes. "And does your mom know about this tremendous plan of yours?"
"Nope. Not as long as she doesn't decide to pop by here today. C'mon. One's Margherita, the other's Barbeque. What'd you say, bro?" He nodded at Cameron.
"Pfft, honestly? You had me at pizza."
"It's settled then." Dominic sealed our sneaking-out ploy and we set off to the beach.
We spread the picnic blanket out on the crumbly sand, under the shade of a colossal Sabal Palm.
"So, what's all this 'playing hooky' in honor of?"
"Ooh, yes! Good question. Agh, I need champagne to go along with this announcement. . .let's just pretend I'm popping a champagne bottle right now, yeah?" He theatricalized the afore-described scene — making an authentic cork-pop sound with his mouth and pouring us each an imaginary glass.
"There would've been no point in bringing real champagne anyway— y'all are still underage."
Syd and I traded quizzical looks.
"Uhmmm, and so are you?" My tone was questioning, but the statement had been a certain declarative.
"Well, I'm almost twenty-one."
"Yeah, almost," sarcasm oozed from me in dense, moist droplets. "In like. . .four months time." Cameron next to me snorted, reaching for a slice of the barbeque pizza.
"Shhh. No need to nitpick here," Dominic flipped his overgrown mane of dark curls.
"Can you just spill the tea already," I proposed, before he could come out with another silly remark.
"Yeah, okay, here it comes," he was visibly containing a spurt of excitement: "Syd and I have finally officially registered our Start-Up."
"Wo!" Syd shot a triumphant fist up in the air. She then burst into giggles, sinking into Dominic for a hug.
"You guys what?" I was still at the stage of shocked bewilderment.
"Wait wait wait, like for real? You've opened up actual enterprise?" Cameron asked, mouth agape.
"Yup," Dominic nodded, proudly. "At last. I've had my head in it for months."
"But why didn't you tell us before?" I wondered aloud.
"Cause there was nothing to tell yet. It was just. . .an idea floating around up there, y'know?" Syd reached up to the clouds to draw a circle with her right hand.
"What's it even about?" Cameron went on, impatiently.
Syd sat up. "Oh, a graphic design and editing platform, mainly for professional photographers—" she whipped her head at Dominic, a thought occurring to her: "it should be in the App Store now, right?"
"Yeah! Let's search it up," he pulled his phone out of his pocket, and we all gathered around with burning curiosity.
"How did you call it?" I asked Dominic from over his head.
"Flashbomb. What d'ya think?" He turned to me.
"Yeah, I like it! It's catchy," I replied, still dazed at the whole concept of these news.
He came upon a cyan icon that depicted a cute little bomb symbol, in the App Store. "Here it is. Our little baby. Ain't it adorable." He tapped the download button.
"Wow, but this is totally rad stuff you got over here. . ." Cam appeared as impressed as myself.
"I know, right? Like, what the heck! You guys are so hip!"
Syd glazed over my compliment with a chuckle.
"Nah, but I've been meaning to launch a project like this since forever. It wasn't until I came upon Muffin and her photography passion that I determined the exact subject." He brushed a curl of Syd's out of her eye, but she pushed his hand right off, like fanning a gnat. The expression of her 'love', I guessed.
"Is that why you never really helped out at the bookshop?" I asked, partly truthfully, partly teasingly.
"First off," he raised an index finger up, "I did help out. And even if not, it's cause I was too lazy," his tone decrescendoed down along his admission.
We all tittered a little, him included.
"The utopian plan is—y'all remember the National Geographic contest I'm in?—" Syd begun. After receiving affirmative nods from us all, she continued: "Well, basically, if you get shortlisted, you gain the opportunity to collaborate in a grand project with country-famous photographers, graphic designers, so on. So if I make it, I could get word of our new app 'round to all those prominent personalities. That'll get us somewhere. And it's not as far-fetched as actually winning first place, so. . .it's safe to keep my hopes high, no?" She screwed her eyes up tightly, as if containing a mighty squeal.
"Yeah. Heck of a plan," I remarked.
"You guys will go far," Cameron joined in.
"Well, you could always come and work with us when you get bored of designing airplanes." Dominic flinched at the unexpected puff of wind that blew his hair around riotously.
"Yeah, that'd be good. . ." Cameron thought on it, "if only I had the time. . .It's the anecdotes from college students themselves that terrorize me. Like: oh, a ten-thousand-word assignment due tomorrow. But that's okay! Just another coffee-fueled all-nighter and that's done with." He mimicked, in a mocking tone.
"Yeah, what did ya think? Welcome to college," Dominic declared, not the tiniest droplet of empathy on his face.
"Oh, dear me. Don't say that. Now I'm horrified," Syd said dimly.
Cameron nodded at her. "Where was it that you've decided to settle in the end?"
"Me? I'm off to Connecticut to major in Digital Arts." She made a double peace sign and a fish face as she said that. "What about you?"
"I'm headed to Massachusetts."
"Oh, so you're gonna be with Aud," she adapted a sorrowful tone, "I'm jealous."
"Don't worry, you're gonna have me to compensate for the two of them," Dominic looked down at her.
She didn't look the slightest bit cheered up at that. "It doesn't really work that way."
"Are you moving all the way up to Connecticut with Syd?" I asked him.
"Yeah. I'd follow my Muffin all the way to the moon," he put an arm around her. I couldn't tell for sure whether or not he was being excessively mawkish on purpose. Syd rolled her eyes slightly but gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.
"That's cute but what about your Adventure Education major?" I didn't mean to be a bore, but asked anyway.
"Meh, I was doing that just for fun anyway. You know my view on it: college diplomas are not as vital as everyone makes them look." He shrugged as he delivered his truth. "But I'm sure I can get a credit transfer whenever I feel like coming back to it."
"You make it sound so simple. . ." Everything sounded simple out of Dominic's lips, to be honest. It's like a five-minute chat with him was enough to get rid of all the stress you've gone through in your whole life. "So no one's sticking around here to watch over my teeny hometown?"
"Nuh-uh. But we'll visit regularly," Dominic claimed, in all seriousness. "At least I will, for sure. My parents live here."
"I'm gonna miss you guys so much," Syd whimpered.
"Hey," I nudged her arm, "We're still gonna be close by. It's less than two hours on car, did you forget?"
"Yeah, but it's not the same! I've been with you every day since grade seven, Aud! Like, who's door am I gonna be knocking at six AM for an early morning photo sesh and breakfast at Barry's?"
"Syd, I'm sure we'll find a bakery and a couple of cool settings between Connecticut and Massachusets. There's just a little more distance to cross this time, that's it. But —" I raised a finger up, feeling inspired—"'distance means so little, when someone means so much', remember? Who was it that said that? Agh," I squeezed my temples, trying to wring the name out of my memory by force.
"Hold on—" Dominic began googling it.
"No no no, don't tell me, I can remember—"
"Tom McNeal," he blurted out, despite my objection.
"Ahhhh. I almost had it."
"But that's just words," Syd's whimpering voice was bordering on the rim of breakdown.
"Oh no no no, don't you cry," I widened my eyes, my voice serious. "Don't you cry cause if you cry, I cry; and if I cry, a whole turmoil breaks out—"
"I think I'm gonna cry," she mewled, her puppy eyes glassy.
"Shh, it's okay baby," Dominic began stroking her back, soothingly.
I gripped onto her hand tightly, getting emotional myself. I had been languorously lying in Cameron's arms all this time.
"I'm gonna miss this so much," she was restraining her tears.
"Look on the bright side." Cameron tried to spin the mood around. "You finally get a break from our annoying butts."
"Nah—not from me, she doesn't," Dominic went along with this mood swing.
Syd sniffled through a heartfelt, closed-lip smile.
"Oh, gosh. I love you guys." I suddenly found myself unbosoming. What I said next, I hoped for in the most exhaustive way possible:
"Please don't ever change."
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can't believe we're so close to the end—!
thank you for staying around with me
<333