Until I get over my writers block expect these regularly
Fontaine : F*ck capitalism. It's a rigged system that keeps us poor and it isn't fair. You shouldn't need to work three jobs to afford basic necessities.
Fontaine , playing Monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win you should have tried not being poor.
Maddy, on a random band name generator: Oooo! They Might Be Depressed Horses! That about sums up my friend group.
Alpheus : Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle, and explode into bats to get out of all social situations.
Maddy: Hello, McDonald's, I would like to purchase 130 chicken nuggets. Prepare yourselves.
Fontaine : *pulls back the curtain while Alpheus is showering*
Fontaine : Hey did we - stop screaming it's me - did we run out of Cheerios?
*Alpheus and Maddy looking at a locked gate into a park*
Alpheus : Aw. :(
Maddy: You know what they say.
Alpheus : Please don't-
Maddy: BE GAY DO CRIME! *hops gate*
Alpheus : Frick-
Finn: I don't even use tubberware anymore.
Alpheus: What are you saying? Say it again.
Finn: Tubberware.
Alpheus: Say it again. Slow.
Finn: Tubberware.
Alpheus: Slow, very slow - actually, say the first syllable.
Finn: Tub.
Alpheus: Wrong.
Finn: What do you mean, wrong?
Alpheus: I thought I caught that. You're saying tub. It's P.
Finn: What are you talking about?
Alpheus: Tupperware. Tupper.
Finn: It's tupper!
Alpheus: It's tupper, always has been, always will be.
Finn: I thought it was tubberware because it kind of looks like a tub.
Alpheus: Could you maybe just like... stab me... right in the gut. Just REALLY twist it in there. 'Cause that honestly seems less painful than this conversation.
Maddy: I just found out that humans are capable of fitting a light bulb into their mouth with ease but can't take it out without shattering it, and now I have to physically restrain myself from putting a light bulb in my mouth
Finn, holding a gun: If the conspiracies about life being a simulation are true WHOEVERS CONTROLLING MY SIM I JUST WANNA TALK.
Finn: Fontaine , can you help me? All of my clothes keep disappearing for some reason.
Fontaine , wearing a hoodie that's 5 times bigger than their size: Spooky.
Alpheus: Sometimes, I don't realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird.
Jess : Is stabbing someone immoral?
Maddy: Not if they consent to it.
Finn: Depends on who your stabbing.
Fontaine : YES??!!?
Alpheus: You know what's funny about Fontaine? They're my best friend, and anyone who'd hurt them is someone I'd murder, probably.
Maddy: Arson? Oh, you mean "crime brûlée".
Finn, confused and exasperated: Maddy, how do you plan on telling a bear to go vegan?
Maddy: Politely
Fontaine : So I have made the decision to trust you.
Alpheus: A horrible decision, really.
Finn: Thanks for pulling the fire alarm, you saved me from giving an oral report about The Scarlet Web.
Alpheus: You were too lazy to read the book?!
Finn: I was too lazy to watch the movie.
Alpheus : No, this is not a mess. You know what I consider a mess?
Maddy: Your life?
Alpheus : I- well yes, but-
Jess : Why isn't the statue smirking at me?
Maddy: It isn't smirking at anyone, they're all just imagining it.
Finn: Three of us saw it, Maddy. How do you explain that?
Maddy: *points at Alpheus * Sleep deprivation. *points at Finn* Paranoia. *points at Fontaine * Delusional personality disorder.
Maddy: Just so everyone knows, don't ever try to climb a tree at night carrying a strobe light, owls DON'T like it.
Finn: ...what happened?
Maddy: I made a VERY bad mistake.
Finn: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.
Alpheus : No, that's not how you make cookies.
Maddy: FLOOR IT!!
Finn: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!?
Alpheus : yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN-
Finn: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE F*CKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES!
Fontaine: DO IT!
Alpheus : NO-
Fontaine : How long do you think it'll take?
Alpheus : I don't know, three or four.
Fontaine : Three or four what? Days? Weeks? Months?
Alpheus : Yeah, maybe five.
Fontaine : Five what?!
Alpheus : All of your existences are confusing.
The Squad: How so?
Alpheus : Your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to any of you upsets me.
Fontaine: Onion rings are vegetable donuts.
Alpheus , used to Fontaine being dumb: Sure...
Fontaine : Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.
Alpheus : Okay?
Fontaine : Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake.
Alpheus :
Fontaine: Lobsters are mermaid scorpio-
Alpheus : Jesus, that one is a little-
Finn , interested: No, no, Fontaine, keep going.
Alpheus : Sometimes I wonder if I'm hearing voices.
Alpheus : Then I remember that's the last bit of sanity I have trying to get me to fall asleep at a reasonable time.
Maddy: Fontaine you can't move in with Finn.
Fontaine : Why not?
Maddy: Well, um, how are you going to feel when they see you without any makeup?
Fontaine : I'm not wearing makeup right now.
Maddy: Holy crap, you're beautiful.
Fontaine : What's it like being tall?
Fontaine : Is it nice?
Fontaine : Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?
Alpheus: We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb 4 chairs, 2 boxes, a small coffee table and 6 oddly placed stools to get what they want.
Maddy: It was one time!
Maddy & Alpheus :*Playing video games*
Finn : You guys woke up at 5:30 in the morning just to play games?
Maddy: *silence*
Alpheus : *silence*
Finn, finally figuring it out: ...You two never went to sleep, did you?
Maddy & Alpheus in shame: Yeah...
Alpheus , texting Fontaine : Roses are red, Tony Hawk is a skater...
Fontaine ′s phone, auto-replying: I'm driving right now-I'll get back to you later.
*Later*
Fontaine , texting back: F*ck you.
Maddy: I am darkness. I am an power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am-
Finn: A doll.
Fontaine : A cinnamon roll.
Alpheus : A sweetheart.
Maddy:
Maddy: ...stop it.
Maddy: Welcome to F*cking Applebees, do you want apples or bees?
Fontaine : Bees?
Maddy: THEY HAVE SELECTED THE BEES!
Fontaine : Wait-
*Jess approaches, shaking a jar of bees menacingly*
Fontaine: I didn't drink that much last night.
Alpheus: You were flirting with Finn.
Fontaine : So what? They're my partner.
Alpheus: You asked if they were single.
Alpheus: And then you cried when they said they weren't.
Alpheus : I swear to god I'm the only one here with a braincell.
Maddy, Finn, Fontaine , and Jess : ALL HAIL the keeper of the sacred braincell!
Finn: Fontaine , gather the others. We need to have another Maddy-is-doing-something-stupid-again-and-we-have-to-stop-them-before-they-hurt-someone convention.
Fontaine : Did you buy eggs like I asked?
Alpheus : Even better!
Fontaine : What the f*ck did you-
Alpheus : *holding up a chicken* Her name is Fluffy.
Finn, very tired: Can I sleep in your bed?
Alpheus : *half asleep* Finn, this is a queen-sized bed. That means it's for *gestures vaguely to themself* the Queen.
Finn: Watcha got there..?
Alpheus: *petting 7 kittens* A smoothie.
Finn: I feel like Fontaine is looking down on me.
Alpheus : That's because they're on the counter and you're short.
Alpheus: Why are all these depressed children on my couch.
The woa to Alpheus on the phone: we have Maddy
Alpheus laughing: no you don't, she has you
Woa: what?
Maddy escaping: he's not wrong
Fontaine to Ant: If karma doesn't hit you, I f*cking will.
Alpheus : The 'how the f*cks' and 'why are you so dumbs' don't matter. All that matters is that I have 38 cats.
Alpheus : Stop setting things on fire because you're curious about what will happen. What will happen is fire.
Maddy : But what if something else happens just this one time.
Jess: But seriously, what is the real plan here that has to do with not f*cking around?
Fontaine: There is no plan that does not involve f*cking around. But we will make sure all of our f*cking around will be applied in a constructive direction.
Fontaine: Alpheus, you risked your life to save me!
Alpheus: And I'd do it again! And perhaps a third time! But that would be it.
Jess: Are you mad?
Maddy : No.
Jess: So sharpening your knives at 3 in the morning is just a hobby?
Finn: Hey, are you okay?
Alpheus : Yeah.
Finn: You don't look okay...
Alpheus : Then stop looking.
Maddy: Would you take a bullet for me?
Fontaine: ...yes?
*Alpheus angrily burst into the room*
Maddy: *running away* Great, thanks
Maddy, watching power lines fall down: Alpheus, Finn! The town is exploding and it's very pretty!
Fontaine & Alpheus : *accidentally set the kitchen on fire*
Alpheus: We need an adult!
Fontaine: Alpheus, you are an adult!
Alpheus: We need an adultier adult! Get Kaiko!
Jess , knocking on the door: Finn, open up!
Finn: It all started when I was a kid.
Jess : That's not what I-
Alpheus : Let them finish!
Jess : Finn isn't answering my messages.
Fontaine: Allow me.
Jess : I tried 6 times, what makes you thi-
Finn: *replying to message* Hello.
Finn: So, are they your friend or...
Fontaine: They're like Maddy, but if Maddy was ordered to be around you.
Finn: Oh, so Alpheus .
Fontaine: Precisely!
Police: You're under arrest for trying to carry three people on a single motorcycle.
Fontaine, with Maddy and Jess behind them: Wait, what do you mean THREE?!
Police: Yes...three.
Fontaine: Oh, my God- What the fuck!?
Police: Wha-
Fontaine: Finn F*CKING FELL OFF!
Fontaine: Hi, could I ask how exactly does one accidentally set a lemon on fire??
Finn: Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔
Alpheus : Why were you microwaving a lemon???
Finn: I read boiling lemons helps cover up up bad smells (I wanted to cover up the scent of burnt oranges) but I didn't own any pots.
Maddy: Did you burn an orange too? How???
Finn: Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔
Jess : Oh god, they texted you 'hi.'' punctuation only means one thing, Maddy. They're mad at you.
Maddy: No, it's Alpheus . They're just being gramatically correct!
*meanwhile*
Alpheus : And then I used a period so they'd know that I'm mad at them.
Finn: A period doesn't say 'I'm mad', it says 'you're dead to me'.
Alpheus : I stand by my choice.
Alpheus : Why are your tongues purple?
Finn: We had slushies. I had a blue one.
Fontaine: I had a red one.
Alpheus : oh.
Alpheus :
Alpheus : OH.
Jess :
Jess : You drank eachothers slushies?
Jess , pointing to the wall: What color is this?
Fontaine: Gray.
Alpheus : Grey.
Jess , turning to Finn: Now tell them what color you think it is.
Finn: Dark white.
Jess : What did you guys get in your yearbook?
Fontaine: 'Prettiest Smile'
Finn: 'Nicest Personality'
Maddy: 'Most likely to start a bar fight'
Alpheus : 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'
Maddy: Okay! Let's play Kiss Marry Kill!
Maddy: First who would you kill?
*Jess points at Alpheus *
*Finn points at Alpheus *
*Fontaine points at Alpheus *
Alpheus : *shrugs* I would kill me too
Alpheus : You three, explain right now!
Jess : It was Maddy.
Fontaine: It was Maddy.
Finn: It was Maddy.
Maddy:
Maddy: ...f*ck.
Finn: Guys, I've been meaning to tell you... Fontaine and I are dating.
Fontaine, Alpheus , Maddy, and Jess : *gasp*
Finn: Fontaine, why are you surprised?!
Alpheus : *visiting the squad* Hello, I just came to-
Alpheus : *sees Fontaine shoving Maddy into the washing machine while Jess records and Finn watches*
Alpheus : *retreating* Something suddenly came up.
Sorry can't get over this writers block, I hope you enjoyed
Please leave any thoughts or suggestions in the comments and feel free to use any of my ideas.
Have a good day/night