Chapter 34
Kumunot agad ang noo ko sa sinabi niya, "Excuse me? You're gonna say that like it's not a big deal, huh?"
"I'm sorry, I was just wonder—"
"Stop, it's not gonna happen, Lucas. It's been seven years already, stop acting like you haven't moved on." I rolled my eyes.
"Well, that's because I never did." he straightforwardly answered.
My lips parted with my brows furrowed, our eyes locked together.
'That's because I never did.'
What he said, kept on running around my head— how could he not?
I don't know how I should feel. Parang kararating ko lang dito kanina tapos ngayon kausap ko na agad siya. At ito pang pinag-uusapan namin ay tungkol sa relasyon namin dati.
It's so overwhelming, parang masyadong mabilis 'toh. How could he just bring it up without even sugar coating it.
I rolled my eyes then I sighed, "Let's stop talking about this. It doesn't make any sense. If there would be rumors then I'll be silent. It's not like it's a big deal."
"What about—"
I cut him off, "Stop, please. We should stop. We're only here because we're neighbors, right? I won't be permanently living here, Nathan. I only went here to finish my residency, nothing more." I briefly explained.
Jade is right. I'm only here for my residency. Nothing more.
He let out a sigh, looking gloomy and disappointed. "I'm sorry,"
"It's alright, let's eat?" I asked.
"Yeah," he answered, not even throwing a glance at me. He looks... defeated.
He was silent the whole time. After we ate, we just headed to the bank, because I told him that I needed to talk to someone about my card and after I finally got to withdraw money so I could start buying food for myself and some things that I'll be needing.
Yung hospital naman nagbabayad ng fees ko sa condo ko kaya 'di ko na problema 'yon. Baka bukas na lang rin ako mamili ng mga pagkain dahil pagod pa rin ang katawan ko.
"Are we gonna head back now?" tanong ko nang makabalik kami ng sasakyan pagkatapos kong mag withdraw.
He looked so down, and serious when we left the cafe earlier... and I think I have the answer.
"Do you still have to go somewhere? Grocery?" he asked.
"I'll probably do that tomorrow." I told him. "You?" I asked.
"Let's go," he simply said, then started driving back to our condo's building.
Gusto ko siyang kausapin dahil sobrang tahimik na niya, pero alam ko naman kung bakit ganito. Maybe it's better. I don't even know if I still want to be in a relationship. I feel tired of it.
Hanggang sa makabalik kami ay wala siyang imik, bago kami pumasok sa condo namin ay nagpaalam lang siya kaya nagpasalamat rin ako sa kanya sa breakfast at sa pagdala niya sa akin sa bangko.
Tanghali na pero hindi pa naman ako nagugutom dahil nga kumain naman kami ng breakfast kanina. Pwede na lang rin muna akong umorder ng mga pagkain sa mga restaurant.
Nang makapasok ako sa kwarto ay agad akong nagpalit ng damit, nag-t-shirt na lang ako at shorts at saka humiga sa kama para tawagan sila Jade. Sa naman ako tumawag, sa IG para kausapin sila dahil sabi nila tumawag ako kapag nandito na ako.
Si Jade ay agad naman na sumagot. Magkasama lang pala sila ni Reece sa condo niya.
"Amoy London ba d'yan?" tanong agad ni Reece.
"Parang ganun," sagot ko.
"Nasaan ka?" tanong ulit nila.
"Sa condo ko? Dito ako hinatid eh, eto raw binigay ng ospital sa akin."
Tumawa lang silang dalawa at paminsan-minsan ay nagtitinginan sila na parang sila lang ang nagkakaintindihan.
"Nakita mo na ex mo?" pang-aasar nila sa akin.
Pucha, sabi na nga ba.
"Huh? Hindi ah! Paano ko makikita 'yon eh hindi ko nga alam kung nasaan siya." pagsisinungaling ko. Kapag sinabi ko na oo mas lalo silang mang-aasar tapos ipapakwentopa kung ano reaksyon ko, ganito, ganyan.
Nagtatawanan silang dalawa, bago nagsalita si Reece, "Okay, sige, pero sabi ni Nate nagkita na raw kayo? May picture pa nga kayo eh."
"Hah?" nanlaki ang mata ko sa sinabi niya, "Parang hindi naman siya nagpicture kanina?" tanong ko pa kaya nagtawanan ulit sila.
"Ay, gaga." sabi ni Jade at tawang-tawa sa akin.
"Oh, diba, nahuli ka namin, so ano? Nag-date agad kayo?" pang-aasar nila.
Umirap ako at saka nagsalita, "Tanga, hindi. Nagkita lang kami sa elevator. Nagulat ako nung bumukas pumasok siya, pero hindi kami nag-usap. Wala namang ganon ano ba." pagtatakip ko sa sarili ko.
Humagikgik sila, "Kinilig ka ba? Or maybe your heart raced when you saw him? Did you blush? Did you hug him? Or... baka you kissed him 'no!?" Jade suspected.
"Bakit ko naman gagawin 'yon? Tanga ba 'ko?" sagot ko sa kanila.
"Bakit? Hindi ba?" tanong nila pabalik.
Ilang oras pa kaming nag-usap at nagpaalam na rin sila dahil gabi na sa kanila, si Jade ay mukhang busy pa.
Habang nakahiga ay nag search na lang ako ng mga restaurants na pwede kong pag-orderan ng tanghalian ko.
Nagugutom na naman ako, nang tatawag na ako ay naalala ko na iba pala ang sim ko. Pucha, pa'no na 'to ngayon.
Wala naman telepono dito dahil hindi naman 'to hotel. Ni TV nga wala. Ano na gagawin ko ngayon?
Ang daming pumapasok sa isip ko. Pero bakit ko naman gagawin yun diba? Eh, kanina nga parang medyo nagalit sa sinabi ko tapos naman ngayon hihingi ako ng tulong sa kanya? Pass.
Dali na, gusto mo 'bang mamatay sa gutom?
Aba, mamamatay ba ako sa gutom kung hindi ako kumain ngayon?
Oo, tanga.
I could ask Lucas for help but damn! How could I? Or, maybe I could apologize first then after, I'll ask him for help.
Okay. It's okay.
I let out a heavy sigh to calm myself because I'm so damn nervous. I was wearing my indoor slippers.
"Okay, okay," I took a loud breath again, "Holy spirit activate, holy spirit activate." I said multiple times, before I opened my door.
I nervously walked towards the door of his condo. My hands were trembling as I reached for the doorbell.
But what if he won't open up because of what I told him?
Gagawin mo o magugutom ka?
Eto na nga, oh.
Three... Two... One... Okay, here goes...
Binalot ako ng kaba nang ilang minuto siyang hindi magbukas ng pinto.
Maybe he's that mad? Or he probably doesn't wanna see me.
Aalis na sana ako nang biglang bumukas ang pinto kaya nagulat ako sa kanya.
Wala pa rin siyang emosyon sa mukha at saka tinaasan ako ng kilay.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I shouldn't have done this!
"What? Are you just gonna stand there?" seryosong tanong niya.
"Uh, no. No, I'm sorry." sagot ko agad sa kanya, nahihiya na. "Uh, are you mad?" I bit my lower lip, looking down with my hands at the back— fidgeting my fingers because of my nervousness.
"Does it matter?" he asked back with his cold tone that made me shiver.
It's okay, Ash. You can do this.
"I'm really sorry if I did or said something that made you mad. I'm really sorry." I sincerely apologized.
He arched his brow again, "That's it?" he lazily said.
Patago kong kinukurot ang kamay ko para mabawasan ang kaba, "Um... are still mad ba?"
"I wasn't mad," he answered.
Edi, bakit mo pa 'ko pinakinggan diba? Sana sinabi mo kanina pa.
Charot.
I need help, so, be nice. I am nice.
"Oh, uh, last na, can you help me? Um—"
"Help you? By?" he asked before I could even finish my sentence.
"Uh, kasi, I still don't have a sim card for this country... and I still haven't gone to the grocery to buy food for myself, so can you help me order muna? I mean if you want lang, if you're busy then I could ask someone na lang." mahinahong sabi ko sa kanya.
"Do you know someone here?" he questioned, then I shook my head like a kid, pouting. "You're the only one." I said.
"Come on," he said.
"What?"
"Get inside, Nat." he said and I obliged.
Nang makapasok kami sa condo niya ay nanginig ako bigla dahil sa lamig. Naka on ata aircon niya dito sa living room.
"Wait, just a minute, I'm cooking." sabi niya agad at naglakad papuntang kusina, ako naman ay hindi gumalaw sa kinatatayuan ko dahil nakakahiya. Malapit pa rin ako sa pintuan inaantay siyang makabalik.
Ilang minuto ang lumipas ay hindi pa rin siya bumabalik kaya medyo napagod na legs ko sa kakatayo. Gusto kong umupo, hindi ko rin naman magawa dahil hindi ko naman ito bahay.
Hindi kaya galit talaga siya kaya pinag-aantay niya ko?
I wanted to just leave since it feels like he's not even doing something. I sound demanding, but still! Kanina pa siya sa kusina ah! Amoy na amoy ko mula dito ang niluluto niya— it smells like steak. Nagutom tuloy ako lalo.
Dahil napapagod na ako at sumakit na naman ang likod ko ay sumandal na lang ako sa pader, malapit pa rin sa pinto at nakatingin lang sa ding ding.
"Nat? What are you doing there?" narinig kong tanong ni Lucas kaya napatayo agad ako ng maayos ay tumingin sa kanya.
"Ah, diba you're gonna help me to order my food, since... I don't have a sim card for this country?" I asked.
"Yeah, I'm sorry, I had a problem while cooking, I forgot." he said, I slowly nod as my response.
"So, uh, can you—"
"Do you want to join me for lunch instead?" He cut me off.
My eyes widened, "What? Uh, no, It's fine. I have money naman na, I just need help in ordering. This would be the first and last, I swear! I'll buy a sim card tomorrow na." I panicked.
"I don't have a problem with that, it's just that my phone is charging, and I don't use my phone while it's charging," he said.
My lips formed an 'o', "Oh, okay, I'll try to ask in the front desk na lang—"
"I don't think they do that, just join me. I don't mind." he cut me off again.
"No, it's okay... I'll just, um... yeah, ako na bahala." sagot ko sa kanya at tumalikod na para buksan ang pinto nang bigla siyang magsalita ulit.
"I don't mind, really. And the meal is enough for the both of us, and when you order it'll probably arrive after 30 minutes— depending on the restaurant you'll order from." he told me.
Ang tagal naman non! Nagugutom na 'ko, pero nakakahiya naman kung makikikain pa 'ko dito. Kanina sinusungitan ko tapos ngayon makikikain ako, ang kapal naman ng mukha ko kung ganon diba?
I couldn't help but pout. What do I do now?
"Just think that I'm a very caring neighbor, Nat. Nothing more." he said.
So, he knows what I'm thinking. How could he read me that easily? It feels like nothing has changed except for our relationship.
"Nat?" he softly called.
"I know but—"
"Let's eat?" he asked, smiling at me.
Puchang ngiti yan. Paano ako makakatanggi niyan?
I shyly nodded, which left a smile on his face. He slowly walked towards me and carefully reached for my hand, he even looked at me if he could and I just nodded, so he held it and we both walked towards the kitchen.
I was right, he was cooking steak, there was also salad on the side.
Pero, bakit naman mukhang planado 'to? Alam ba niya na 'di pa 'ko kumakain? O baka kaya siya nagtagal dito kanina? Or maybe may darating talaga dapat pero dahil pumunta ako akin na lang?
A lot of questions are running into my head and it was cut off when I heard Lucas speak.
"Nat? Take a seat?" he said, pulling a seat for me.
Umupo na lang ako agad at siya naman ay naglakad para umupo doon sa upuan sa harap ko.
"Are you expecting someone?" I couldn't help but ask.
Napatingin siya sa akin at tinaasan ako ng kilay, "Who?" he asked back.
I shrugged, "I mean your table looks ready, like for two people." I pointed out.
His lips parted, "Uh... um, I just had an extra and since you told me that you were having a hard time ordering, I just thought that maybe you can just join me for lunch since I have a lot." he explained, I didn't even know if he was sure with his answer.
Parang kung ano lang maisip niya ay sinabi niya.
Tinanggal ko na rin naman iyon sa isipan ko at saka kumain na rin nang nagsimula na siyang kumain. Parang ilang na ilang pa 'ko sa ginagawa ko.
"How have you been?" tanong niya habang kumakain kami.
"Fine, I guess? I was just focused on writing and studying." sagot ko. "You?"
He shrugged, then finished chewing first before he spoke, "Better, there's not that much thrill though," he said.
"Well, at least you're feeling better than before. That's more important."
"Yeah, I guess," he said. "Anyway, I've read your book." he started a new topic again.
"Which one?" I chuckled.
I have a lot of works, di 'ko naman alam kung ano don yung mga binasa niya nung nag break na kami.
"Uh, Identifying Our Trope?" sagot niya na halos nabilaukan ako nung pagkasubo ko sa pagkain kaya nagpanic siya bigla at agad akong inabutan ng tubig.
"What the hell? Bakit mo binasa?" tanong ko agad. Hindi naman ako galit, pero bakit niya binasa.
Kumunot agad ang noo niya sa akin, "Bawal?" sagot niya.
Inirapan ko siya, "Okay, fine, go on." sabi ko.
"Um, I have a question," he said. I saw how the side of lips rose up but he stopped himself.
"Go on," I said, as I finished my food. His food was almost finished too.
"Okay, um," he started, he now has this meaningful smile on his face. "So, basically, their trope was; from strangers, to friends, to lovers, then back to strangers... but this time with memories, right?" he asked. "So, basically, they ended up as strangers with memories," he said.
"Uh-huh." I simply answered, then I finally focused my eyes on him since I'm now done eating.
The smile on his face widened and I can see that he was refraining himself from smiling. "Does that have a sequel?" he finally asked.
My brows immediately furrowed, "Uh, none?" I answered, it somehow sounded that I'm not sure with my answer.
"I think there should be," he said.
"If you tell me a valid reason why, then I may write a sequel for it." I arched my brow, with my arms crossed.
"So, basically, they ended up as strangers... and the reason why they parted ways in the first place was because they wanted to become a very version of themselves." he said.
"And?" I asked more.
"Clearly, they still loved each other when they parted their ways— they parted ways because they needed it not because they wanted it." he explained.
I arched my brow again, "Is this really just about the story?" I asked. "Your idea for the sequel is kinda familiar, you know." I squinted my eyes.
He chuckled, "Really? How so?" he asked, playing naive.
For heaven's sake, of course he knows that it is the story about us. And now, he wanted a sequel for the story, does that mean that he wanted us to be back again in order to have a sequel?
"Talaga ba, Nathan, ha?" I mocked.
A grin appeared on his face, his cheeks were kinda turning red. "I mean, right? I was just analyzing their situation, don't you think they both deserve a second chance? Better place? Better time?" he insisted.
And yes, he really was thinking of that. But he was right. None of us wanted to leave, it's just that it was the only option to save ourselves... especially him. My heart still aches when I would try to remember that exact moment.
I sneered at him, "Dami mong alam," sagot ko sa kanya.
His brows immediately, "What? It wasn't valid? Why can't they try again?" he complained.
I rolled my eyes, "Because they are meant to be strangers with memories, Nate. Nothing more." I simply answered.
"What? How can you say that? Why can't they have a chance? Did the female lead fall out of love when they parted their ways?" he asked more.
My lips parted because of his question. I didn't know how to answer. I was speechless.
He raised a brow, asking me for an answer.
I let out a heavy sigh then I rested my forehead on my palm for a few minutes, feeling so stressful.
"I can't just answer that, Nathan. It's getting complicated." I told him.
"How is it complicated, Nat?" he asked again.
"Because I don't know if you're still referring to the story or if it's about us, Nathan!" I unconsciously raised my voice.
He was still, I was confused for a second then I realized what I just blurted out.
"Sorry, I-I... I was just confused. I didn't mean that." I apologized.
"It's okay, I'm sorry," he said.
"It's no one's fault," I gave him a small smile, then I settled my gaze on the floor.
I heard him clear his throat, "What if... what if I'm referring to us? Did you fall out of love when we parted our ways?" he asked.
I chuckled, then I looked at him, "What do you think?" I asked.
He shrugged, "It feels... kind of the same, but I'm not sure."
I laughed because of the tone of his voice, "How many years have passed since we broke up? Seven years? Turning eight in a few months?" I asked. "I think I did, but... I don't think so? I don't know." I said, looking away from him.
"But, I'll be frank. Maybe this time I'll be honest to myself too..." I sighed, getting kinda nervous about the things I'm about to say. "I don't think I have, seven years and my heart's still beating for you... Even when you left the Philippines without telling me?" I bitterly chuckled, "It hurted, 'cause I was thinking, why didn't he even bid goodbye to me? I didn't even know that he had a plan to move to London. But it's okay 'cause if living here is a lot better for you then why not, right?"
I looked at him to see his reaction. His eyes were just focused on me, when our eyes met he smiled, then he nodded, waiting for me to continue.
"Seven years but I don't know— I'm still hoping that we could still be together? It feels like I'm just waiting for us— that we will be together again. I still do, but I'm not ready for another relationship." I told him.
"We don't have to rush it," he said.
I promised myself. I promised myself that when our paths cross again I would never let him go.
I don't want to let him go, I won't. But, I'm not yet ready to be in a relationship. Now, this is a different problem.
"It's not easy," I mumbled.
"But we will try... You don't have to pressure yourself, Nat. I can always wait for you." he insisted. His voice was so calming.
I'm so in love with this man.
"Aren't you tired of waiting, Lucas?" I asked, with my eyes full of worry and sadness.
"Bakit ako mapapagod? May mga bagay na nangyari na alam kong napagod ako, but I never gave up, Nat. I love you so damn much, I would never give up on you." he said, it sounded like he was begging. It was visible in his eyes too.
"We have a lot of things to talk about, Nate." I gave him a small smile, then I continued. "I have a lot of questions that's still running inside my head."
"We can talk about it," he said.
I slowly shook my head, "Lucas, we have a lot on our plate, we're both residents. Especially, you, mas matagal working hours mo kesa sa akin. We barely have time for each other."
Dahan dahan na siyang tumayo mula sa kinauupuan at nagsimulang iligpit ang pinagkainina namin. Ako naman ay tumayo na lang rin para tulungan siya. Hindi pa siya kumikibo tungkol doon sa sinabi ko.
Sinundan ko siya papunta sa lababo para ilagay doon ang pinagkainan namin.
"Lucas..." I softly called so he would talk to me.
Inayos lang muna niya sa hugasan ang mga pinagkainan namin at saka naghugas ng kamay bago humarap sa akin. Sa sobrang lapit niya ay napaatras ako. Nang maka-atras ako ay naramdaman ko na counter table na pala ang nasa likod ko kaya kunwari ay sumandal na lang ako.
He was looking at me directly in the eyes and then he took a step forward, cornering me here.
"Nat, if you're not ready, I'm always willing to wait. About our residency, let's finish it first before we get together? We have a lot of choices. If you have tons of questions for me then you can always ask me then I'll answer you honestly. I have nothing to hide, my love."
My heart doubled in beat and I felt my cheeks flushed profusely.
It's all coming back. All those emotions— everything. One simple endearment and I'm feeling like how I used to. All the love was coming back.
Our love for each other was so strong. We spent more than two years together, and seven years apart. We spent more years apart than being together, but look at us now, still talking to each other about how we can fix our relationship.
We're both patient. We never rushed our relationship. Maybe this is really it. Maybe he's really the one that I'll spend my lifetime with.
Maybe this time I'll take the risk again? Maybe this time we can really try and fix everything. Different places, different times, but we still have the same feelings. Maybe this time we can finally make everything right.
I kept in my mind that I've moved on, but my heart still beats for him. Only him.
After seven years, I just saw him this morning and everything felt different already. That's when I knew that in those seven years, I never had really moved on from him.
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:,)