the following chapter contains: mentions of self harm⚠️
Mattheo
It was almost going to be summer break.
I don't know if I was excited or upset about leaving for a bit. Things weren't good here nor at home.
Not to mention the fact that I'd have to spend my summer at the Malfoy Manor. With stupid Draco Malfoy.
The only good thing about being here was Maya right now.
Maya and I were doing well. I think I was actually..happy? I felt happy around her. I felt like all the bad thoughts towering over me had disappeared.
I'm now thinking about when the other day, we took a walk in the forbidden forest and saw an astonishing unicorn and it allowed us to pet it. We pet it together and our hands touched. That was when I realized, I might have had feelings for her.
She made me not want to be a bad person. She made me feel like I had a chance at being happy again like I was before my mother left. She reminded me a bit of her. Beautiful, nice, funny.
I still plastered my nonchalant disguise to her. I couldn't let her see how I truly felt. I didn't want to seem weak to her.
She didn't feel the same way. Though it felt like it. It was all fake.
I now loathed the thought of having to kill her. I was glad the 'kill her parents' thought was lifted off of my shoulders.
I know her parents were the worst type of people, but I just can't see myself doing this anymore.
I don't see myself killing people, enjoying it. I want to be good again. I want to go against him.
Maya
I didn't stop thinking about Mattheo for some reason.
I just felt happier and safer around him. He made me feel safe even when we weren't in public.
This was getting too far. It was only supposed to be a fake relationship to upset Draco. Which it did.
I can't like him. It's just not right. I need to avoid him at all costs until I find a way to finish this off with him. We need to 'break up' and move our separate ways. I cant get caught up in all of this. It's gone too far now.
I made my way to the great hall for a snack but on my way, I saw him sitting down against the wall on my way.
His head was down in his knees and his hands were in his trouser pockets.
I tried to make my way passed him quietly so he wouldn't hear me. "Where are you off to?" I heard him say. I stopped and backed up.
"Kind of weird to just sit here. Don't you think?" I cleared my throat. "I don't need to think because I don't care." He said poking his head out from his knees.
"Well- if it wasn't obvious, I'm literally walking into he great hall. Thought you would figure so." I sighed loudly,
"Well, there's many different ways. Maybe you weren't going to the great hall."
"I need to go." I said quickly and continued to walk.
After I got a snack I decided to go to the common room and find my friends. I only found Enzo, Adrian, and Daphne sitting at a table by the bookshelves. It was weird because we always sat the couch.
I looked to the couch and saw that there were some first years already hanging out there.
"Hey lovelys." I said as I sat down beside Enzo. "Hey." Enzo said. "Sup." Adrian said. "Hey Maya." Daphne said. "You all good?" I smiled a little to ease the quick tension.
"Yup. Just bored." Daphne answered as she rested her head on Adrian's shoulder. "Aw, such a cute couple you two are." I smiled at the both of them. "Well then go hangout with your boyfriend." She smirked. "If you forgot, he isn't really my boyfriend."
"Right. That'd be awful if he actually was. I know you wouldn't ever like him or actually date him." She said in a relieved tone.
"Oh- I mean yeah." I nervously chuckled. What's awful is that I wish he was actually my boyfriend and that I did actually like him and wanted to date him.
"Yeah- you'd be mad to actually get with him." Adrian chuckled out loud. "Seriously." Enzo agreed.
"I'm surprised you could even fake it around him." Daphne added.
"Where's Pansy? I literally have not seen her for a century now." I said changing the subject.
"Dunno. Thought one of you two would've known." Enzo said as he referred to me and Daphne.
"How about I go look for her?" I said as I already stood up. "Sure. Want me to come with?" Daphne said as she took her head off of Adrian's shoulder.
"No, I'm fine. Don't worry." I assured her. I would've let her come but I really wanted to go by myself. I wanted to talk to her and see why she was so distant from us.
I really had no idea where Pansy would even go. The only idea that came to mind, was Granger.
The walk up to Gryffindors common room was pretty long, but I had nothing else to do.
I arrived in front of the portrait door and waited for a Gryffindor to come in or out of it.
After a few minutes, Harry Potter came by and whispered the password. "Harry! Hey!" I pulled his shoulder softly. "Uhm...hey?" He said confused.
"Did I do something? I thought you liked me." I looked around.
"No- you didn't do anything. It's just that you're with..Riddle." He stuttered a bit as he looked away from me.
"So? What does that have to do with us?"
"Well- I can't really- um-"
"Be friends with me? Come on, Harry. We've been good friends since second year. Do you think I've changed??" I furrowed my eyebrows. I was shocked by what he was even thinking of me.
"Well you certainly have changed." He cleared his throat.
"Sorry but I don't care about that right now. I've been through some traumatic things if you already haven't heard. That kind of changed me which took a lot of courage and time by myself." I shrugged my shoulders at him.
"Really? Me too." He said sarcastically.
"Not everything is about you, Harry. I have horrible parents who have treated me like shit my whole life." I snapped at him.
He froze and stared at me like I was a ghost.
"Look, I didn't mean that. Can you please just let me in? I need to see if Pansy is okay." I added on putting both my hands beside his arms.
"I'm sorry, but no."
"Harry, please." I stepped in front of him.
"Fine." He agreed under his breath.
"Thank you." I sighed as he let me into the common room first before himself.
"I'm sorry for snapping at you." I told him before I walked in, their common room was much different and brighter than ours. Warmer too. I could really get used to this.
How could Pansy even step foot in here? She hates bright colors with a passion.
I looked for the girls dormitories and looked for the room that marked Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, Angelina Johnson, and Parvita Patel.
I knocked on the door and just a few seconds later Hermione opened it. "Oh, I don't believe we've met! I'm Hermione!" She held her hand out to shake mine. Her hair was a crazy mess and she looked like she was sweating heavily. "We met at the party?" I awkwardly shook her hand back. "Oh right! Maya—Pansy is just in here." She opened the door wider letting me in.
I walked in and the room smelled foul and of sex. Oh my Merlin. It couldn't be.
"Pansy what the hell are you doing here? We haven't seen u since yesterday." I came over to the bed she was sitting at.
She wore a satin Gryffindor bathrobe and had the sheets covered on top of her.
"Sorry, I lost track." She giggled at me.
"Pansy, this isn't a joke! Maybe not tell you're best friends where you are, but your boyfriend?? Enzo's worried and doesn't seem to like how you keep disappearing on us." I tried to pull the sheets off of her but she wouldn't let me.
"I said- sorry!!" She huffed. "Explain what's going on to me. Now. I'm not leaving until someone tells me what's going on."
"Just tell her." Hermoine said as she looked down at her feet on one of the other beds.
"Maya..I like Hermione." She but her lip unsure of my reaction.
My eyes widened and my jaw dropped open. I mean it wasn't a problem of course, but why didn't she tell me? Is she cheating on Enzo with Hermione? It's really what I thought.
"So you and Hermione..?"
"Yes."
"Why didn't you tell me?" I sat there in shock.
My own best friend didn't tell me. Maybe she wasn't out, but still, it doesn't make cheating okay. She knows what that meant to me.
"But- but you know you cheated on Enzo.." I said quietly.
"I know. Please. You cant tell him yet."
"No, Pansy. You know how I am about cheating. You know exactly what I went through. How could you do this?" I sighed.
"Amaya, I'm sorry. I truly am. I just didn't know how to tell you and I knew I would break Enzo's heart."
"Well now it's actually going to break his heart because his girlfriend cheated on him!" I said.
"Look, I have no problem with you liking girls, but you cheated. That's not okay. Imagine how Enzo is going to feel." I added on.
"Maya. Don't tell him. Please."
"I'm gonna leave you two." Hermione said as she left the room.
"No, stay. I'm leaving anyways." I scoffed and stood up making my way to the door.
"Maya, please! Wait!"
"Just leave me alone for a bit." I snapped.
I opened the door and I left.
On my way back down to the Slytherin common room, I saw Mattheo leaning on the stairs railings. I wish I didn't say anything but he looked like he could fall off any second and I of course didn't want that. "What the hell are you doing? Get off of there!" I went up to him. "Why so worried?" He smirked with a cigarette smoking on the side of his mouth.
"I'm not worried, I'm mad. Get off of there now or you'll fall." I tried to pull his hand off.
"You? Amaya Esmeray, caring about me, Mattheo Riddle?" He rolled his eyes. "No- just get off, please!" I struggled to get him off as he wouldn't budge.
It already upset me enough for what I just saw. It was starting to upset me that he wouldn't listen.
I opened his hand and saw he had recent, dried up, bloody crescents on his palm like I saw last time. They looked more new.
"What is this?" I pointed at the marks. He quickly snatched his hand out of me and pushed me roughly leaning off of the railings.
"It's none of you're business. Stay. Out. Of. It!" He spat and threw his cigarette on the floor.
"Yeah fuck you too asshole." I flipped him off and entered the common room.
Maybe I shouldn't have asked him. I was now for sure it was self harm.
I'm so fucking stupid.
You cant just ask someone if they self harm or some stupid shit.
Literally fuck me.