I sat in my truck for a long time staring out at First Beach, near where Jacob had dragged me out and back home. I knew if I drove up the road toward the cliff, I'd find my bike waiting for me. If I left now, I could get back to my house and pretend I hadn't been considering this at all. I could tell Edward I was happy with his ultimatum, that I'd live my whole life as a human next to him and never ask to be a vampire ever again. But I knew I couldn't do that. I knew I'd only hate myself more if I let myself cave in to this demand.
Just before midnight, I grabbed the hunting knife in my glove box. I never went into the woods without it and though I knew it wouldn't really be able to protect me against a vampire, it would make me feel a lot better about what I was about to do. I left the truck running and the headlights glowing as I got out and stepped out into the sand.
The rain was far from lightening up, but I trudged out into the beach, my head held ahead to the dark and shifting waters of the ocean ahead. I knew she was in there, waiting for a poor sap like me to stumble along. I rolled my shoulder back as I stood, keeping my left leg from holding too much weight as I waited alone on First Beach.
I knew she could hear me, but I threw my voice anyway. "I know you're there. Come out and face me!"
Lightning struck overhead and within a second, thunder rolled loud enough to make me jump. I breathed back the fear as I kept standing, completely soaked and desperate. I wasn't leaving until I'd found the vampire who attacked me in the water. If Edward wouldn't turn me, I'd find someone who would.
I bit back against the pain and exhaustion. Part of me wanted to go home and sleep, but if I left now, that vampire would move on, and I'd never have another chance to find her. Instead, I took another step closer to the water and screamed, loud and wordlessly into the night.
"Boy oh boy," a feminine voice said in a sultry tone.
I twisted around, almost falling in the sand as I found an unfamiliar figure standing behind me on the beach. She was barefoot and just as soaked as me. Her red hair was drenched and sticking to the back of her neck as she watched me with a vibrant smirk.
"You're a bit jumpy," she said as I caught myself.
"You snuck up on me," I offered.
"Of course," she admitted. "And do you always come to this beach to scream at thunderstorms?"
"I was looking for someone in the water," I said.
"Like a siren," she offered. "That seems like a great way to get killed."
"Or a vampire," I corrected.
"An even better way to get killed," she said. "What's your name, girl?"
I held my breath at the question. I didn't need to see the fangs or the way she looked in the sunlight to know that this woman was a vampire. All I needed to do was convince her to turn me, but the last vampire I'd met had been more interested in killing me. I couldn't be sure this one wouldn't try the same.
"Bella," I said. "You?"
"Victoria," she said, the name rolling off her tongue like something rare and decadent. She took a step toward me in the rain, and I backed off. "Did you come here all alone, Bella?"
"I have friends that live near here," I told her. I didn't need her to think she could get away with killing me so easily. In the meadow, I had no way to call for help. She didn't need to know that I had no way to call for help now while my phone was on top of a cliff and soaked through.
"Excellent," she said. "I came with friends too, but I misplaced them. They weren't interested in seeing the beach. It's a pity."
"That sucks," I said. I needed to ask her, but the moment I told her I knew what she was, would be the moment she would try to kill me. I needed her to see I wanted to join her, to be like her.
"Hey, those friends of yours," she said. "They wouldn't happen to be wolves, would they?"
Apparently, she was getting there for me. I felt for the hunting knife under my shirt, still firmly set in the waistband of my pants. "Sorry."
"The friends that live nearby. They're shapeshifters, aren't they? Wolves of the forest or however it is they call themselves," she spat. She leaned in toward me and smiled, showing off pearly fangs.
"I'm not one of them," I said, trying to keep my voice even as I watched her. I was sure she was going to pounce at any second.
"I can smell that," she said.
"I want you to make me a vampire," I snapped before she could add anything more. The words just fell out of me and now that they were out in front of us, I wanted desperately to pick them back up and hide them away.
"You want to become a vampire," she breathed. "Haven't your wolf friends warned you of what that does to you."
"I know what it means," I replied. "I can make my own decisions."
I held my tongue to keep anything else from falling out between us as she looked me over, pondering my request. Her black eyes traveled up the length of my body as she licked her lips. There was all the likelihood that she was simply going to kill me.
"And what will the wolves think if I turn their precious little friend into a creature of death?" she pondered. "I suppose it would be adequate revenge for all the vampires they slaughtered."
I thought of the vampire in the meadow again. She didn't need to know that I watched her friend get killed by a wolf. I simply stood as she continued to ponder, that devilish smile on her face.
"And I'll need friends if I'm going to make this place my home, aren't I? Do you know this place well?"
"I do," I said. "I knew the vampires that used to live here."
"Then you'll be one of the vampires to take their place," she said. "Consider this my offer to you, Bella. I'll make you a vampire and your home will become your feeding ground. We'll make this place ours. Shall we?"
She didn't need to know that the Cullens had come back to town to protect me or that Jacob wouldn't let her live after she turned me. I didn't need her to live after she turned me, and I realized by my plan how desperate I was. I was willing to let her die just to get what I wanted and that should have hurt me. It should have made me think twice about letting her turn me, but I didn't care. I needed to be with Edward like I needed to breathe. I needed to be like him if I ever wanted to be free of this crushing weight.
So without a drop of regret or guilt, I held out my hand toward her like I'd done for Edward in so many dreams before. Slowly she stepped forward, eying me as she reached out and took my hand, bringing it up toward her mouth.
"This is your last time to ask me to stop," she said. "After this, there will be no going back, and it will hurt."
"I know," I said, still watching my hand so close to her lips. She opened her mouth wide and bit.
Her teeth didn't pierce my skin as she was grabbed from me and yanked back. I nearly fell before she let go of me, tumbling into the sand below. I looked up and found Edward standing before us, his mouth set in a grim line. A shiver ran through me at the sight of him here, and I cursed myself for being so hesitant. All the time I'd wasted trying to force myself out of the truck to find her had given him the time to find me here.
"What the hell are you doing?" he demanded. "Did you hear any of what I said?"
"I heard you," I snapped back. "I just don't understand why you're so determined for me to grow old and die."
"I'm trying to save you," he said. "My soul is damned. Do you understand that? I love you, Bella, I do. I want to save you."
I glared at him, unable to hide my fury anymore. I wanted to be a vampire, not just to live forever, but to make him hurt. After everything he put me through, I needed him to hurt like I had when he left me, unsure if he was ever coming back. He would get over it, I told myself. At the end of the day, he'd still love me.
"You can't always save me," I said, near to a whisper. Behind him, Victoria was getting up, her eyes still piercing me with a narrow gaze. I held out my hand toward him as if to take his hand. "Please, Edward." Maybe he would, I thought. Maybe he'd see it my way. Everything would be so much easier if we were on the same level, part of the same world.
"No, Bella. You may not understand now, but you will later," he said.
I didn't look into his eyes as he said it. I was looking to Victoria instead as she watched us for an opening. If she understood my look, she understood that I wanted this, and I was willing to betray Edward's trust to get it.
"Okay," I said. "I trust you."
"Let's go home," Edward said. "We'll leave your wolf to deal with her."
As he turned to look at Victoria, she was upon him. She slammed her fist into his face, and he stumbled back in the sand, nearly falling back on his ass. I cringed to see him get hurt, but there was nothing I could do to stop Victoria now. I still wanted this, more than anything, more than Edward, perhaps. I wanted to be a vampire like it would save my life.
Edward got his balance fast and slammed into her, pushing her back as he gripped her shoulders. She stared wide eyed as her feet dug into the sand at his assault. Before he could tell me to run, she reached up to his arms and headbutted him hard. The resounding crack sounded like thunder as he snapped back. As he reeled, she took one arm and threw him over her shoulder.
Suddenly, she was in front of me, her smile wide and devious. "We still on, girlie?" she asked.
I nodded wordlessly and she grabbed by arm, biting into me with such force I thought she was going to rip all the way down to the bone. As she bit down, my arm went limp and all I could feel was the point of her fangs where poison spread into my veins. I closed my eyes as the pain took me over and when she let go, I dropped down into the sand.
Fire spread up and down my veins, crawling in a steady race toward my heart. I suddenly lost track of where I was as I fell into the sand, my mouth filling with it. I sank into a black hole as the world spun, so fast it tilted off its axis and instead made me the sun it revolved around. I was burning up, combusting like a dark star as I breathed in the sand and dirt.
I heard a sound, like a scream or like death as I spun. When I found the courage to open my eyes, Victoria was standing above me, her grin so wide it could have torn apart her face. There was blood on her lips, dripping down her chin—my blood. I couldn't stop staring at her as the world churned.
I was dying. It felt like dying, but maybe I was being reborn. Maybe it would all be worth it when I woke up from this. But even as I thought of that, my head throbbed and fired like a pinball machine sending pings of fire everywhere. I crumpled in on myself.
Then, with a slam, Victoria wasn't in my vision anymore. Something slammed into her hard and sent her out of my line of sight. I tilted my head up, looking for her as my world burned. I found her on the ground, Alice over her with a bloodthirsty look.
I couldn't hear the screaming, but I knew it was there. Everyone was screaming. Jasper crossed into my vision, his blank expression trained on me. I gritted my teeth together, hoping he wouldn't decide to finish the job and kill me. I was already bleeding, and I'd already seen that he couldn't control himself. That had been the last time I'd seen him, standing over me, trying to drink me dry.
Instead, he turned to Victoria as Alice and Edward screamed for help. I reached under my shirt and grabbed my hunting knife, holding it tight in my hands as I ached from the venom spreading through me. I watched Jasper reach for Victoria's right arm to hold her down as Alice took her left, keeping her knelt on the ground.
Victoria screamed as Edward ripped her head off. I could hear it. It was the only thing I could hear. He pulled her apart like ripping meat off the bone. Her blood, black and filled with venom spilled on the beach, mixing with the rain and leaving a trail all the way toward the ocean. Edward gritted his teeth together as he tossed her head aside. And with the rogue vampire dead, he looked to me.
I wanted to tell him I was alright, that I would be fine, but I couldn't say a word. It felt as if my lungs had filled with sand as I lay limply dying. He stared at me, unblinking and stepped toward me slowly, kneeling down before me as Victoria's head continued to roll toward the ocean.
"You stupid, stupid girl," he said. He was either whispering, or that was all I could hear of his voice. I was too tired and too far into this agony to figure out how he'd really said it.
"She bit her," Alice cried. She looked at me like I was dying, like she'd never see me again.
Edward reached out and moved a stray hair out of my face as I kept looking at him. I didn't want to close my eyes. If I did, I was sure I'd die, like a soldier bleeding out, who grew so tired and then just went. I smiled at him. At the end of all of this, I would be just like him.
"I won't let you," Edward whispered. He looked hesitant, like he was afraid to touch to wound on my arm. I tried not to look at the bite marks or the way black ink seemed to spread from them like rot. I tried to focus on what I was going to become, but the pain was unbearable.
"I can do it," Alice offered as she knelt down next to me as well.
"No," Edward snapped to her. "She's mine."
I didn't even register what he was doing until he was doing it. Edward grabbed hold of my wrist and bit down into my arm, just where Victoria had. His fangs lined up with where hers had pierced and he clamped down onto me and began to drink my blood.
My head swam with panic as more blood left my body, filling his mouth as he drank. Along with the blood went the venom which he sucked down on and swallowed, the ink in my veins losing its thickness as he kept drinking.
"No," I screamed, but I couldn't be sure it was any louder than a whisper. "No! No!"
Edward ignored my protests and kept biting. My strength failed me, and I closed my eyes, giving in to the pain as it warped me. I fell unconscious before he stopped drinking, and when I woke, the only pain was that in my arm where the bite had been wrapped in gauze that soaked through red.
I lifted my head slowly, looking past where my arm was sprawled in the sand to the pyre of sticks and logs burning on the beach. The rain had slowed, but a few drops beat down on my head as I watched Edward, Jasper, and Alice stand around the fire as smoke climbed high into the sky.
There was a smell, not just fire, but something thick and rotting like burning flesh. As I dragged myself up into a sitting position, I realized why that was. They were burning Victoria. Her flesh was feeding the fire as much as the logs that sent smoke flying. I stared at the smoky fire, transfixed on its rising fumes. Only when I dared to make a sound, a poor stifled cry, did Edward turn his gaze away from the fire.
"Bella," he snapped and ran to me, dropping to his knees in the sand before me. "It's okay, you're safe."
I was still staring past him to the fire. "That's her. Victoria," I gawked.
"She can't hurt you again," Edward assured me. "I sucked all the venom out before it could turn you. You're safe now."
But I'd asked for it. I wanted to be a vampire and he went directly against my wishes. I wanted to strangle him. I wanted to hug him. From the fire, Jasper glanced over to me with a hard expression. He still gave me the creeps, even now, but knowing there were three vampires willing to kill to protect me felt strangely comforting.
"So that's it," I said. My one shot at being like him was gone. I wouldn't have another. Edward would make sure of that. I pulled my arms around myself as he sat next to me, touching my shoulder so gently it felt like a ghost touching me.
"I'll take you home," Edward said. "You need some rest. Then we'll talk more about it in the morning."
I knew by his look and the tone of his voice that he didn't mean we'd talk about me becoming a vampire. That wasn't what he was suggesting. No, he was talking about my recklessness. We'd talk about all the mistakes I'd made while he was gone and what he was going to do to fix it. We'd talk about whether or not he was leaving again, and in the end, I wouldn't have a say at all.
I should have hated him. He'd left me and turned my entire world upside down, but I didn't. The fog that wrapped around me and brought this soft, slow comfort that made me feel safe when I was with him. It made me addicted to him and I didn't know why I couldn't stop.
And that was love, I thought. I'd never experienced love in my life and Edward was my first love. That was supposed to be important. It was supposed to be life changing. But I wasn't sure if it was supposed to feel like this or not.
"We'll go in a minute," I told him as I sat on the beach, still barefoot, still soaking wet. "I want to watch the smoke."
((Trigger Warning: Blood, pain, manipulation, minor character death))