you don't really want to stay, no, but you don't really want to go
—-
You rolled off of T with a quiet groan, flopping down onto his bed.
"You're good," T said appreciatively.
"So are you," you replied, slightly out of breath.
You'd gone home with T last night, fueled by anger and alcohol. He'd been good in bed, too- not your best, but certainly high up there.
"I'll call you," you promised him as you walked out the door. You had very little intention of actually doing that, but you wouldn't say it to his face.
Frost wasn't in the penthouse when you got there, but Panda was, leaning against the double doors, a cigarette held between two fingers. The guards that were usually there all the time were gone. You were alone.
"Hey, Panda," you said, slipping your phone into your pocket. "What's up?"
Panda pursed his lips. "I asked the guards to fuck off for a couple minutes so I could ask you something before you go in."
"Sure," you said.
"Did you really go home with Monster T last night?"
You blinked, confused. "Yes?" It came out sounding like a question.
"Well, Jesus, no wonder Joker's pissed," he muttered.
"He is?"
"Oh, yeah," Panda nodded. "It's not as bad as it could be, but he's sure as hell not happy. Took us all of five seconds to figure out why. He didn't actually expect you to take off."
You flushed, your anger returning. "You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes," you muttered.
"Sure, but we don't exactly work for a guy who's known for his common sense, do we."
"No, we don't," you agreed.
Panda glanced down the hall- the guards were coming back. "That's my cue. Good luck in there."
"Thanks." You pushed open one of the doors and slipped inside.
Joker was on the couch, a bottle of booze on the floor beside him. He was out cold, the bottle more than halfway empty. You crossed the room to kneel beside the couch, putting the bottle on the coffee table.
You shook Joker's shoulder. "J? J, you in there?"
After a moment, he stirred. He was still out of it, by the look in his eyes, but he was lucid enough.
"Y/N?"
"Yeah, it's me. Come on, sir," you said quietly, standing up. "You'll get a crick in your neck if you keep lying here." He didn't say anything, just grunted and let you maneuver him off the couch and onto his feet. He leaned on you as you led him back to his room. You tried to hold on to your righteous anger, but it was slipping through your fingers like water.
"Alright now?" You asked after you let him down onto the bed.
"Yes," J slurred. "Y/N. Where've you been?"
"Just... out, sir. Back now, though."
"Thought you were leavin'."
You shook your head. "Not a chance."
"You've done it before," he pointed out, with all the truthfulness of a drunk.
"Yeah, I have," you said. "But I came back, didn't I?" When he didn't respond, just kept looking at you with those clear blue eyes, you sighed. "Sleep it off, J. We'll talk later, if you want."
With that, you straightened up and left the penthouse. Joker still puzzled you just as much as ever. You yearned for the old days, before this seemingly uncrossable gap between you and the Joker. You wanted back the camaraderie you'd shared at Arkham Asylum, the closeness that came with being trusted with (some of) Joker's secrets.
You weren't sure if you'd ever get that back. You didn't know if you could stand to have it while Harley was still at his side, while knowing that he had chosen her. But you had already proven that you were not strong enough to walk away. And you had not been enough for Joker then. What had changed?
That was when it hit you. You had been wronged. He had fired you a long time ago over a problem he didn't even listen to your solution to. He had chosen Harley time and time again. And he had humiliated you last night- the very thought of it made you want to hide in your room and never come out. He'd done it in front of an audience! T and Frost and Sharkey and everyone, and you felt your anger returning to you in full force.
You'd tried not talking about it, and that clearly wasn't working. If you wanted clarity, you'd have to force it out of the Joker.
And you made up your mind then and there that you would.
—-
this chapter came really close to having 2 songs, the other being "goin' straight" by dick jr. and the volunteers (the lyric was gonna be "i'm goin' straight to the bottom of the bottle, and you can go straight to hell"). love that song