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To: HRD.
Ransom...I'm struggling to find the right words to apologise to you. I got scared, and I know that isn't an excuse but my desperation came across as selfishness. Maybe I was just being plain selfish, but I miss you and I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
Eva x
I press send, and as the email disappears my eyes open up their dam and expel tears down my cheeks.
Now I have to wait on his reply. Like a damn teenager waiting on a text from her school boy crush.
Please let him forgive me, I know I really fucked up this time. But he has to forgive me. He'll forgive me, he will...right?
Hours turned into days, days turned into weeks and before I know it 2 months have passed since I sent the email to Ransom, with no reply.
At first I wondered if I had sent it at all, I sent emails to every one in my address book and everyone replied. I wondered if maybe his email had changed so I came right out and asked Harlan if he had a new one. Almost broke my heart when he said no.
Maybe its gotten lost amongst work emails.
Thats it, he will find it nestled between magazine subscriptions and deadlines for his articles. And when he eventually finds it he'll call me and we'll laugh and cry about it. He'll come home and we will live happily ever after.
Another day passes and still no reply, why is he doing this to me? After everything he put me through! The drugs and the cheating on his fiancee. The fight with Jake. The pregnancy scare!! And the asshole can't even reply with even a simple sarcastic thumbs up emoji?! What was all the bullshit in the airport about loving me and keeping that stupid fucking cherry stalk for all these years? I hate him. I hate his fucking guts. He is rotten, to the absolute core. And I' am better off without him.
I swear to god, I wish I had never lain eyes on him.
Its been another week and still nothing, I know he's working because I caught a snippet of his coverage. He has a fuller beard now, the blue of his eyes has darkened, I imagine he is talking directly to me, but seeing his face on my screen, the gun fire and explosions going off behind him, it tore me apart. I couldn't watch any longer. I'd give anything to bring him back, I'd lay my life down for him.
I'm begging you Ransom, please come home or at the very least send me a reply.
I don't check my phone any more, I don't do anything. Because I don't feel anything. The endless black hole of hopelessness circles me threatening to consume everything in its path widens...edging closer as I close my eyes and pray to be swallowed.
"Eva?" Emilys voice comes from the other side of my apartment door, "we've been trying to call, let us in please?"
I don't need to let them in, I haven't locked that door in days. Teetering on the edge of danger hoping that maybe someone will force their way through and put me out of my misery.
"Its open." I groan turning around in my bed not even remotely ashamed enough to get out of bed and greet the almost strangers.
Robert and Emily tip toe over the threshold looking around the pristine apartment, "I don't think she's been eating." Robert hushes to Emily as she opens the fridge gawping at its emptiness.
"I'll go to the store, talk to her." I hear him whisper the door closing quietly behind him as he leaves.
Emily stands in the light of my bedroom door, "I think its time you got out of bed Eva."
I turn around facing away from her wrapping my arms around myself, just trying to hold every fibre of my being together.
I feel the bed sink a little as she sets herself down at the end, shifting her weight uncomfortably.
Its nice that she is here, but I wish she wasn't.
I want my dad.
"Okay Eva its time to get up and shower, you can't wallow forever. You missed Christmas and New Years." She opens the blinds allowing the winter sun in to expose me.
"No." I growl sliding underneath the duvet.
She pulls them back swiftly, "yes!"
"Get up now, this is enough Eva. I don't have time for this...its tough love time." She starts rummaging through my drawers yanking out clean underwear and fresh clothes.
"I suppose tough love is better than no love huh?" Reaching down for the covers I catch a glimpse of Emily wincing in the mirror.
"And whats that supposed to mean Eva?" She walks over to my closet pulling out jeans and a hoodie, "no that one!" I scream.
Its his, its Ransoms Hugo Boss sweatshirt. He gave it to me the morning he left for Syria...
"What the fuck is this?" I pull out a black hoodie that lies on top of his duffle bag.
He rolls his eyes at me, "incase I get cold on the plane."
My mouth hangs open as I try my best to hold back laughter, "Ransom Drysdale, are you seriously telling me that you wear sweatpants now?"
"Fuck off!" He lunges towards me grabbing the sweater out of my hand and forcing it over my head.
"It looks better on you, keep it." He sweeps the hair away from my face, planting his lips on the tip of my nose.
"I'm only messing Rans...take it with you." I fumble around inside trying to get it off without falling over.
He helps me get it over my head, smoothing my hair once more.
Ripping off the price tag, "I want you to have it, and here..." he grabs a bottle from his dresser and sprays it with his aftershave.
Just as he turns away from me I grab his wrist pulling him back to me. I reach up and capture his lips occupying his mouth with my tongue, deepening our kiss trying to prolong it. Not wanting to waste a single second.
He lifts my body, I instinctively wrap my legs around him our lips never parting.
Ransom leans me against the wall pinning my arms above my head as he begins to lace his tongue along my jawline, trailing it down my neck. Stopping when he gets to my favourite spot nibbling lightly. A carnal moan forces its way from my mouth, I fist his hair pulling his mouth back to mine taking his bottom lip between my teeth.
His fingers dance along the waist band of my jeans slowly sliding down, desperate to feel how ready for him I am.
"Ahem." Linda awkwardly clears her throat lingering in the doorway, "its time to leave."
—————
"Okay...not this one," Emily puts it back, folding the jeans back on their hanger and instead pulls out some of my gym gear, "lets opt for comfort eh?"
I sit on the edge of the bathtub listening to Emily and Roberts hushed voices.
"Do you think I should have went in there, you don't think shes...shes...y'know...suicidal." Emily's voice trails off.
Fucking hell...maybe I am.
No I'm not.
I feel like I might die, but not by my own hand.
"I'm not going to kill myself!!" I walk out of the bathroom curtsying sarcastically showing the intruders that I have successfully managed to wash and get dressed without using a toaster as bath bomb.
"Happy now?" I smirk gruffly lying myself across the sofa, staring at the TV on the wall. Images of Syria flashing across the screen, scenes of death and destruction as people flee and run for their lives.
Bitter tears sting my eyes.
Robert changes the channel, "put it back!! I never turn it off." I scrambled for the remote.
"I get that Eva, I do. But Fran called and shes worried about you-"
"And so is Harlan." Emily interrupts handing me a cup of coffee.
This is an intervention, but without anyone actually attending.
Robert sits on the coffee table in front of me, "I - I mean we just think that maybe you should take a break from all of this," he holds out the articles that Ransom has written which I have printed off, like some sort of obsessed stalker. "I think you need to try and move on." He pats my knee, "I'm not your father, and I'm not trying to be...but maybe we could be friends?"
He offers me a kind smile and moves away from the table heading back to the kitchen, Emily sits in front of me, "he's right you know."
"I like him...he doesn't hover." I growl at her through my eyes.
She nods respectfully.
I turn on my back and look at the ceiling fan as it spins around slowly, focusing on the blades as they disappear becoming one.
Are they right...is it time to move on?
And what does that entail exactly? I have no job, no friends. The only thing I have is a large bank balance and a hole where my heart used to be.
So explain to me how I am supposed to move on.