Forth's pov:
I exhaled shakily and rubbed my arms up and down as i looked out the window of the car. I was tapping my foot and squirming in my seat.
I was buzzing with excess energy and was finding it hard to stay still.
I've been working out almost half the day but it still hasn't gone away.
I know what this is.
I know it all too well.
I was just hoping i would be able to take care of it myself.
He's been so busy with work these past few weeks and is constantly tired. I don't want to add to that.
But i can't get rid of this uncomfortable feeling no matter what i do.
The logical part of my brain knows that he's the only one who can calm this energy in me.
But the rest of me refuses to acknowledge it. Because acknowledging it would mean that i would have to ask him for help.
I chewed on my bottom lip as i tried to calm myself down.
It's been building up under my skin for the last week.
Every day it just kept getting worse.
And today, it reached its peak.
I can't sit still at all and I'm really jumpy around everyone.
Every touch feels so wrong and even the clothes i usually wear feel so harsh against my skin.
I want to rip off my clothes but i don't think that's going to make it any better.
I need him.
I can't take care of this by myself.
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"Sir, we're here." I blinked when i heard the taxi driver speak.
It was then that i realized we had stopped in front of my apartment building.
I took out my wallet and fumbled with it for a few seconds before managing to get the cash out and give it to the driver.
"Are you sure you're ok? You're shaking quite badly." He gave me a worried look.
I looked at my hands and saw that they were trembling badly.
I gulped and shook my head before quickly getting out of the car.
A stranger pushing me is the last thing i need right now.
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I bit my nails and kept tapping my foot even after getting into the elevator.
He said he has the day off and will be catching up on rest so i know he's still at home.
Today is the first day off he's had in weeks.
He won't get angry if i go to him like this right?
"What, you want me to take control? Beg for it."
I clenched my eyes shut and shook my head as Caleb's voice rang in my head.
No. He's not like that. He's different.
"Please me first. Then I'll consider taking care of you."
I couldn't stop the small whimper that escaped my lips at that.
Stop. He's not Caleb. He wouldn't do that.
How do you know? Even Caleb was sweet at first. But then he changed. What makes him any different?
Tears started forming in my eyes as i slumped back against the elevator wall.
Please... Stop...
Nothing is free in this world. You'll have to please him as well if you want anything from him.
I can't... I can't do that... Not now... I don't want...
Who cares what you want? You think you're just going to get his care and affection without doing anything in return?
I whimpered louder as i slid to the floor, curling into a small ball.
I covered my ears with my palms as my breathing started picking up.
I can't... I can't please him... My body won't listen... I can't handle that right now... I don't want it...
Then you're not getting anything. He's just going to leave you. Like Caleb did. Because you're nothing more than a burden.
Sobs escaped my lips as i pulled at my hair, trying to shut that voice out.
But it just kept going.
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Pha's pov:
I groaned softly as i was woken up by loud banging on the front door.
What the actual fuck?
I was finally getting some needed sleep after weeks!
Someone better be dying!
I jumped out of bed and combed back my hair as i went to get it.
"PHANA! OPEN UP!" I could hear my neighbor, Bright, yelling from outside.
I frowned and hastened my steps towards the door.
Bright is usually a very calm and laid-back person.
Why is he yelling so urgently?
I swung open the door and there he was.
He looked really anxious and worried.
"Bright, what happened?" I asked also worried now.
"It's Forth. You need to come with me right now." He said quickly.
My heart immediately lurched at the mention of my boyfriend.
I didn't waste a second in putting on slippers and following him out.
Forth, what happened to you?
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I froze in my tracks when i saw the scene in the elevator.
There he was. Sitting on the floor, curled into a ball.
He was pulling at his hair and sobbing while shaking badly.
Win was standing near him in the elevator.
There was a mechanic standing outside looking equally worried.
"We found him like this. He won't respond to any of us. We thought it's best if we let you handle it." Win.
I snapped out of my shock and rushed to Forth, falling to my knees in front of him.
"Forth, can you hear me?" I spoke in a soft tone.
But he didn't seem to hear me at all.
His breathing was erratic.
I put my hands on his hands, which were pulling at his hair.
He immediately pushed my hands away, whimpering loudly.
I was shocked at the reaction and froze for a few seconds as he curled away from me.
He was mumbling something under his breath that i couldn't make out.
I moved a little closer, this time making sure not to touch him.
"... ster... ast... mast..."
I could only make out bits and pieces but that was enough for me to understand what was going on.
Oh. Shit.
I glanced at Win who seems to have gotten the clue and stepped out of the elevator.
It was then that i noticed how the elevator was put to an emergency stop.
I focused back on Forth.
"Pup, look at me," I spoke in my dominant voice.
He immediately stiffened and shakily looked at me.
His eyes were bloodshot and pooled with tears that were overflowing and streaming down his face.
"I'm here. You're safe now. Come." I extended my hand toward him.
"M-mas-ter..." He hiccuped softly.
"Yes, it's me. Come to me now. Let's get you home, ok?" I smiled gently.
He looked at my outstretched hand and reached out with a shaky hand, putting it in mine.
I squeezed it gently and pulled him to me.
He was still shaking badly but didn't try to fight me.
I positioned him in my arms and lifted him bridal style as i stood up.
He clutched onto my t-shirt tightly and snuggled into my embrace.
"Thanks for calling me. I'll take it from here." I looked at the other 3 who were standing near the elevator.
Win and Bright nodded in understanding before stepping aside.
I went out of the elevator and towards our apartment.
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"Pup, look at me." I spoke in a firm tone after we settled on the couch with him on my lap.
He whimpered softly before looking up at me.
I could clearly make out the fear and anxiety in his eyes which were still overflowing with tears. And his body was still shaking.
My worry increased even more.
What in the world happened for him to be pushed into this kind of headspace?
I combed back his hair gently while tightening my other arm around him.
"Breathe with me." I said firmly.
He nodded jerkily.
I took deep exaggerated breaths while holding one of his hands to my chest.
It hurt to feel it shaking like a leaf under my palm even.
I never wanted to see him in this kind of state.
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It took a while, but finally, he started calming down and stop crying.
His breathing became more rhythmic and his body stopped shaking.
He still kept trembling somewhat but it was much better than before.
He snuggled against me, nuzzling his face against the crook of my neck.
I knew what he was trying to do.
So i put one hand on the back of his head and turned it so he could find the angle he was looking for.
Almost immediately, i felt a soft suckle on my skin.
I hummed in encouragement, massaging his scalp gently with my fingers.
The sucking got stronger and he pushed more firmly against me, clutching onto my t-shirt tightly.
I propped up my left leg on the couch, swinging it over his legs, digging my heel into his hip firmly. I then brought the other leg up as well, so it could act as a support for his back while also pressing onto him from behind.
This way, he was completely enveloped in my embrace.
I could feel his body stop trembling as he kept sucking at my skin and i kept up the pressure from all sides.
I didn't say anything and just kept massaging his scalp and humming a soft tune.
I occasionally moved his head to another spot so he could continue sucking.
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I relaxed my embrace when he melted in my arms, stopped sucking, relaxed his touch on my t-shirt, and slumped his whole weight against me.
"Are you with me, pup?" I asked softly, not making any move to push him away.
I still kept up my dom voice.
"... Mas... Ter..." He muttered softly in reply.
That's a no.
His letters are slurred and it sounded like he had a hard time forming that one word even.
"Seems like words are hard for you right now." I spoke in a gentle tone.
He didn't say anything but just nuzzled his cheek on my shoulder.
I pulled his head back slightly, to look at his face.
His eyes were glazed over and unfocused.
I knew it.
He slipped into subspace.
"Do you want anything, pup?" I tilted his chin so our gazes locked.
I made sure to not show anything in my eyes that would make him think anything negative.
He opened his mouth to say something but only slurred words came out.
"Ok, I'll say a list of things we could do. How about you nod or shake your head?" I proposed.
He nodded slightly.
"Good pup." I kissed his forehead.
He released a small purr at the action which had my heart melting.
"Bondage." First option.
There was no hesitation in the nod he gave at that.
Ok, bondage it is.
"Standing bondage." I added an option to that.
He shook his head.
"Sitting bondage."
He looked a little confused at that.
"Kneeling bomdage." I added, knowing why he was confused.
He nodded.
Ok, so bondage in a kneeling position.
"Clothes on?"
He nodded.
With clothes.
"Gag." Second option.
He frowned slightly and shook his head.
But i didn't miss how he took a small piece of my t-shirt into his mouth and chewed on it slightly.
"Chewtoy." Third option.
He shook his head again.
I thought for a second before saying the next option.
"Cock warming."
He nodded.
But i didn't miss the flash of hesitance and fear in his eyes.
"We're not doing that." I said with finality.
He flinched and looked at me wide-eyed.
I could see tears quickly forming in his eyes.
"I don't want to do anything that you don't want to do. Don't think you can lie to me, pup." I looked at him firmly.
He bit his lips and looked down.
"Now, do you want anything in your mouth?" I asked.
He nodded slightly.
"Pacifier?" I offered.
Maybe he wants something to suck on.
He nodded again.
"Ok, I've decided what we will do. You just need to be a good pup for me and do as i say. Colour?" I straightened up, reaching under him again.
He tapped on my chest twice.
Green.
I went into our bedroom and put him down on the bed.
"Be a good pup and wait for me here. I'll get the things i need." I patted his head gently when he whined and pulled at my t-shirt.
He relaxed at that and laid down obediently.
I turned and went into the walk-in closet to get the things i need.
I took a navy blue soft cotton t-shirt, grey sweatpants, some blue silk ropes, and a blue pacifier before going back.
"Ok sit up." I spoke as i put the things on the bed.
He followed and looked at me waiting.
I got to work quickly.
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I took my time wrapping the rope around his torso.
Going one knot at a time forming a turtle shape pattern.
I could clearly see and feel the tension melt from his body completely as i tightened each knot.
I pulled his arms behind his back and tied his wrists together.
He always prefers to have his hands tied when we do bondage.
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He was sagging his whole weight against me by the time i finished.
I patted his head gently as i took the pacifier and slipped it between his lips.
He immediately started sucking on it as his eyes drifted close.
I couldn't help but admire how beautiful he looked like this.
Completely relaxed and without an ounce of tension in his body.
I lifted him gently and made my way back out into the living room.
I put one of the couch cushions on the carpet in front of the couch before sitting down in front of it.
I then helped him kneel on the cushion, situated between my legs.
He leaned against my right leg and laid his head on my thigh without me having to say anything. All the while continuing to suck on his pacifier.
I smiled and combed back his hair as i sat back on the couch and turned on the tv.
My dominant side finally felt at ease for the first time in weeks.
Having my sub kneeling between my legs. Safe and content.
I didn't realize how much i missed this until i felt the ropes on my fingers.
There was this small part of me that remained restless the whole day which has now finally settled down.
And from the condition he was in earlier, i can guess that he's needed this much more than i have but has been hiding it.
I sighed and shook my head as i gazed down at him.
His eyes were closed but i could tell he wasn't asleep.
We're going to have to talk about this tomorrow.
I'm not just letting this go.
This could have been much more serious if he kept hiding it any longer.
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Forth's pov:
When i woke up the next morning, i was wrapped up in Pha's arms protectively.
He was still asleep and i knew better than to try and move away while he was sleeping.
So i just laid there, enjoying his warmth.
I could feel a familiar stinging sensation all over my torso and arms.
It wasn't unpleasant.
The complete opposite actually.
It made me feel settled in my skin and the buzzing energy from the last week wasn't there anymore.
I thought back to yesterday.
The last thing i remember is hearing his voice cut between the voice in my mind.
I remember being scared that i would be forced to please him.
But then, there was only comfort and warmth.
Nothing scary or uncomfortable.
So he didn't make me please him first...
I could feel shame stirring in my gut.
How could i compare him to Caleb?
I know he's different.
He would never hurt me or force me to do anything i don't want to.
He's proven it so many times.
And yet, there i was, doubting him yesterday.
How could i do that?
How could i just doubt the love he's shown me all these months since we started dating?
I bit my lips as tears formed in my eyes due to the shame and self-hatred that was building up inside me.
The stinging sensation started feeling wrong in my body.
I don't deserve this.
I don't deserve to carry the marks of his care.
Not after i did something like that.
I slipped out of his embrace, making sure to move him as less as possible so he wouldn't wake up.
Thankfully, he remained asleep.
I got up from the bed and went into the bathroom, locking the door behind me.
I looked in the mirror and my self-hatred increased tenfold as i saw the red marks left behind by the ropes.
I don't deserve to have these reminders.
I don't deserve this comfort.
I basically tore off my t-shirt and shorts before getting under the shower.
I turned the water on searing hot and took the loofah, scrubbing harshly at my skin, trying to erase the marks.
Someone like me doesn't deserve this.
I deserve pain and punishment. Not this comfort and care.
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Pha's pov:
When i woke up, i was alone in bed.
I frowned and looked around the bedroom and couldn't find him.
He was still in subspace when he fell asleep last night.
I quickly got off the bed and was about to go outside to check if he was there, but stopped when i heard a loud sob coming from the bathroom.
Worry immediately spiked in me as i recognized it.
I rushed to the bathroom and tried the handle.
But it was locked.
He never locks the door when going into the bathroom.
A bad possibility popped into my mind.
God, i hope I'm wrong.
"Forth. Forth, are you in there?" I called out, knocking on the door.
A loud whimper came as an answer.
Shit.
I'm right.
I went to the nightstand and took the key to the bathroom from the bunch of keys in the drawer.
Words won't get through to him right now. Especially if he can't see me.
I unlocked the door and went inside.
There he was.
Curled up on the floor under the shower, covering his ears with his palms. His skin was red and raw and his body was shaking.
I didn't waste any time before running up to him, and turning off the shower.
I grabbed a towel from the cabinet and wrapped it around him.
But he scooted away from me, hiding his face.
"Forth, look at me." I ordered in my dominant voice.
He flinched and looked at me with wide eyes.
His eyes were bloodshot and overflowing with tears. Just like yesterday.
This time, instead of fear, there was an immense amount of guilt and Self-hatred.
"Come here. First, we need to get your dried and i need to put some ointment on your skin." I spoke in a firm tone.
He bit his lips and looked down, still not moving.
"Forth. Don't make me repeat myself. Come here." I let an edge of sharpness seep into my tone.
He flinched again, this time, following my words.
He was still trembling as i carried him to the bed before gently drying him off with the towel.
I didn't say anything as i grabbed a tube of ointment from the first aid kit and applied it to his skin.
He kept his gaze glued on the floor the whole time.
I knew it would be much easier to convey comfort through my actions than words right now so i didn't say anything.
I kept my touch gentle and blew on his skin softly whenever he flinched or hissed in pain.
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"Now. Let's go get breakfast." I sighed after he was dressed.
He looked at me with teary eyes.
"I'm not angry. Nor am i disappointed. But we will talk about this. After breakfast." I assured.
He nodded slightly.
"I'll just go brush my teeth first." I went into the bathroom.
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There was a tense silence after we finished eating.
We were still sitting at the table and his gaze was glued to his lap.
"First, how did you end up like that yesterday?" I asked.
"I..." He muttered in a small voice.
"I won't get angry at you. I promise. Tell me." I assured gently.
I know anger is the last thing he needs right now.
"I... F-for the la-last week i-I've been f-feeling restless... I tr-tried burning out the e-excess energy b-by working out b-but i-it didn't w-work... Ye-yesterday it g-got really bad... I c-couldn't s-sit still at all... And i k-kept sh-shaking... I c-came to y-you... B-but w-while in the el-evator... I k-kept rem-embering how C-Caleb al-way m-ade m-e... Pl-ease him... I-if i wa-nted h-him t-o t-take co-ntrol... H-he wo-would m-ake m-me be-beg..." Tears streamed down his face as he hiccuped amd stuttered out the words.
I gritted my teeth as i listened to him.
That bastard becomes more despicable and disgusting every time i hear about him.
Taking advantage of him while he was in such a vulnerable state.
"I tr-tried to b-block out the v-voice in m-my h-head but... I c-couldn't... I-I'm s-sorry..."
I frowned.
Why is he...
And then it clicked.
The voice in his head.
It probably kept comparing me to Caleb.
He thought I'll do the same.
I felt a sting in my chest at that but quickly pushed it away.
He didn't think that purposely. It was an intrusive thought that was out of his control.
I got up from my chair and went to him.
I pulled his chair back and lifted him, making him yelp out of surprise, before putting him down on the table, and standing between his legs.
I wiped the tears on his cheeks with my thumbs.
"You don't need to apologize. You can't control what your intrusive thoughts say. And you were already in such a shaky condition which made you more vulnerable to them."
"B-but i th-thought y-you wo-would..." He bit his lips.
"Anyone would have trust issues after being in an abusive relationship. And you're not an exception. You've given me so much trust in the last 8 months of our relationship. It's much more than anyone else in your place would have been able to do. You submit to me willingly even when you have such traumatic memories related to it. And I'm so proud and happy to be the one receiving it." I kissed his forehead gently.
He whimpered softly, clutching my t-shirt in his hands.
"Y-you make me f-feel safe... C-Caleb's to-touch was al-ways s-so pain-ful and r-rough... B-but your's is so g-gentle... I l-love it... My mind au-atomatically quiets d-down wh-when you h-hold me..."
My heart melted as i heard the earnestness in his voice as he spoke.
He gulped and took a deep breath before talking again.
"Y-you're the only one wh-o ever m-ade me feel so safe... I-in my submission... Y-you let me ex-perience how it feels t-to be treated like a tr-treasure... Th-thank you..." Fresh tears streamed down his cheeks again.
"Baby, you deserve to be treated like the rarest and most fragile jewels in the world. And I'm just giving you what you deserve." I kissed his eyelids and moved closer to pull him into my embrace.
His arms snaked around my waist and clung on tightly.
I hugged him tightly and peppered kisses all over his head.
"I d-don't deserve t-this... I d-doubted y-you..." He hiccuped against my shoulder.
"You just had a bad moment. We all have those moments. It doesn't make you a bad person. You've just been through a lot in the past and the trauma from then hasn't healed. You're not bad for having intrusive thoughts. You're human." I assured gently.
He whimpered softly and tightened my arms around him.
I don't even need to ask what happened in the bathroom earlier.
The words I've heard already explained enough.
"It's ok. I'm not angry. I'm not disappointed. Nor am i hurt. I understand." I kissed his temple.
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I pushed him back after a few minutes of comfortable silence.
I wiped the tear trails on his cheeks with my palms.
He was sniffling and hiccuping softly.
"So cute." I pecked his little red nose.
He scrunched it up and pouted making me chuckle at the adorable expression.
"Baby, can you promise me one thing?" I held his chin and made him look at me.
He blinked.
"From now on, you will come to me the moment you start feeling restless or insecure. You won't wait until you break down like you did yesterday." I spoke in a firm tone, looking into his eyes.
"B-but you're so busy..." He muttered hesitantly.
"No matter how busy i am, i will always have time for you. You are my top priority, baby. Nothing else will ever be more important than you." I assured.
He still looked hesitant but nodded slightly.
"Promise me. It hurt me to see you in that much pain, knowing i could have helped avoid it." I joined our foreheads.
"I'm sorry... I promise I'll come to you from now on..." He replied softly.
"That's all i ask." I tilted his head and pressed my lips onto his.
He melted into the kiss and reciprocated.
I could feel his earnestness and love through the kiss.
Oh, baby...
When are you going to realize that you deserve the world?