Sitting in a life suctioning black dress with an infant asleep in the crook of each arm on my parents old vinyl loveseat was very much the opposite of how I thought I'd be spending my last day of summer. The entire day had been a dark, depressing cloud that hung heavily over our family. A lot of personal space invaded and condolences from relatives I hadn't seen in over a decade, all while trying to tend to both infants before their wail could disrupt the service. During the burial I had to leave the ceremony because Michaela wouldn't stop crying; not that it was a huge complaint on my part, I hadn't wanted to attend the service to begin with. It wasn't going to bring Maya back, my sister's life and soul had long since left the still body they lowered into the ground.
My parents had forced me to go; their picture-perfect family image and reputation would be damaged far more than it already had if I was a no show. Not to mention my parents were already very much on the fence about the twins, especially since nobody, including myself, had the slightest idea who their father was, therefore no idea where he was at.
As people began to file out of the house now, I felt the heavy weight that'd been on my shoulders all afternoon finally ease up. My mother was starting to clear the kitchen table of all the different beverages and assortments that everyone had picked at as they chattered quietly all night. It was just as I sat up, ready to lay the babies down, that a tall figure stepped into the doorway, half his face shadowed my the dark night since our porch light had gone out a few weeks ago.
"I'm so sorry I'm late." The husky voice cutting through the melancholy violin ballads blasting from my brother's speaker jolted my Mom in the dining room. A plate slipped from her grip, but in a quick, swift movement Parker Reed lurched forward and caught it seconds before it could hit the floor. Setting it back on the white linen place mat, Parker stretched out his other arm and circled it around my mother's frail frame and hugged her against him.
Parker Reed was as much of a son to my parents as Darren. He'd been Maya and I's childhood best friend who slowly evolved into solely hers. As soon as we'd entered the hell called high school, they had found they still shared the common interests that I hated. Low and behold, a few months into ninth grade Parker was on the football team and Maya his beautiful, athletic best friend. He'd kept me at arms length through the four years, but our relationship was never more than a nod in the hallway or a brush of our shoulders when he threw himself down on the couch next to me when he'd crash at Maya's place.
"Oh honey, look at you." Mom whispered, touching her hand to Parker's cheek with the weakest of smiles. "You've grown up so much."
Couldn't say I disagreed with that notation. Though Park had always been the perfect All American poster boy with his messy blonde hair, muscles for days, and those hazel eyes that in the right lighting melted into a beautiful puddle of gold with green flecks, he'd definitely found himself this past six months. A five o' clock shadow had begun to take residence on a once clean shaven baby face, aging him a good few years. The arm that was still draped over my mother had a fresh, intricate tattoo that hadn't been there at graduation three months ago. But what my mother was referring to was the same sad, depressed look that darkened his eyes and casted his once lively face into an emotionless mask.
"Mr. Foster!" Parker greeted my father as soon as Dad entered the dining room from the hallway. My dad slapped a hand against Park's shoulder on his way into the kitchen, avoiding any further conversation.
Just when I thought I'd be able to evade him, Max started to stir and seconds later started crying. Parker, finally looking in my direction, blinked rapidly, as if the action would erase me from existence.
"I. . . I didn't know you. . ." he trailed off, reaching up to rub the back of his neck with an uncomfortable expression.
her avoidance of his calls and presence in general, I'd been left trying to keep their friendship from becoming a dumpster fire. I'd texted Parker every excuse in the book as to why Mia couldn't see him. Now, watching the roulette of emotions flashing through his eyes, I understood why my sister had wanted to keep it secret.
"They're Maya's." It was Darren from his perch in the hallway, arms crossed over his chest as he sized Parker up. "What are you even doing here? You didn't even show up to the funeral."
Though the tension had rised significantly in the room, I let out a breath of relief at the normalcy of it. Darren and Parker had never gotten along, they were like night and day. Where Parker was a carefree, athletic playboy, Darren was an analytical, book smart, nerd. It was safe to say whatever one said, the other would say the opposite.
"What?" Parker scoffed. "No way. I—"
He broke off suddenly and I watched the realization slowly begin to dawn on him as he connected all the dots. Slowly, he tore his eyes from my brother and looked to me.
"I didn't know. She never said anything. She—"
"None of us did." Darren cut him off. "Except Mia. We're all still trying to come around to accepting it. We thought she was just going through something, and I guess she was, but it wasn't a something but a someone. Or two of them, I suppose."
Parker rocked back and forth on his feet for a moment in hesitation before crossing the room to me. I felt my stomach churn seeing the hurt in his eyes and quickly averted my gaze to the babies in my arms. Luckily, my mom spoke and cleared the air.
"We were going to wait to tell you guys, but since Parker is here, this is as good a time as any." Mom said, looking to Dad leaning into the counter for support. Her dark bangs fanned her eyes, but I didn't have to see them to know they were shooting our father a warning look. "We sold the house."
"What?" I snapped, speaking for the first time in over a week. My voice was scratchy and hoarse. "I. . . why?"
Mom dropped her gaze to the hardwood under her black flats. "This was before. . . before Maya. Your father and I felt it was time to downsize with all of you out of the house and away at college. We bought a small little condo an hour or so out of town."
"You what?" I lowered Max into the bassinet first, then Michaela in her own a second later. "What about the babies Mom?"
What I really wanted to say, I knew would leave me an inconsolable mess, so I kept it internalized.
What about the memories?
"They aren't our responsibility." was Dad's emotionless response. It took every ounce of willpower I had to not stalk across the room and smack him upside the head. "Your sister made a mistake, one she kept very well hidden, at that. Those children belong with their father, not us."
Parker must have seen a shift in my expression because he touched a warm hand to my shoulder. "Mia, don't."
"How could you say that? Maya is dead, Dad! Dead! She's not off on some luxury vacation. She is six feet under the God Damn ground!" I threw my hand toward the baby's behind me. "They are all we have left of her and you have the audacity to sit here and call them mistakes? For a "Man of God" and a "Pastor" you sure are a piece of crap."
Darren flinched, but neither agreed nor disagreed with our father's statement. Parker had shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans, looking as if he wanted to be anywhere but standing witness to this argument.
"Excuse me?" Dad tried to step forward, but Darren finally straightened and moved so he was standing behind the recliner, lips in a tight line as he looked back and forth between us. "Your sister fell victim to her sins and—"
I shook my head. "I'm out of here."
I started toward the hallway, but Darren caught my arm. "Where are you going to go, Mia? You have two newborns and no money outside of what Mom and Dad give you."
My lips began to form the words, but it was Parker who responded directly to my brother. "I have an apartment a few blocks from campus. I do have a couple roommates, but we have an extra room and they can crash there if she needs to for a few days."
My brother snickered. "Yeah?"
"I have to figure shit out regardless, Dare. Since Mom and Dad decided to make such a big decision without confiding in us about it." I lifted my head and threw a glance at Parker over my shoulder. "Thank you."
**
My Mom and Darren tried repeatedly to talk me into staying until I was in a rational state. Unfortunately for them, I don't think that was possible without Maya. So rather than stay and listen, I hugged my brother goodbye and demanded Parker drive before Darren could hop in his Volvo and tailgate us until Parker finally pulled over.
Once we were on the freeway with no sign of my brother's car in the rearview, I slumped back in my seat, burying my hand in my mess of dark tangles.
Parker looked my way every once and a while, his eyes prompting me to say something, anything, but I just stared at him, at the way every few seconds he'd clench his jaw only to relax it a second later. "You good, Mia?"
"You really want an answer to that?" I whispered, then deflected it back on to him. "How are you doing, Park? She was your best friend."
Unfortunately, some things never change, and he pretended he hadn't heard my question. "I know there's no way in hell you're this composed after the load of crap that came out of your father's mouth."
"My dad's the least of my worries and problems right now, Parker."
He gripped the steering wheel a little tighter. "I'm so sorry, Mia. I. . . I stood outside the church for a half hour, just sat and stared. I couldn't move. It was like I was paralyzed or something. Standing out there, it just. . . it made it all real, you know?"
"Your roommates, they won't mind us being there?" I redirected the subject as quickly as possible. I did not, under any circumstance, want to fall apart in Parker Reed's presence, let alone in his Mercedes.
"Oh, they probably will." Parker made a gesture with his thumb toward the sleeping babies in back. "Especially with that, but they'll get over it. Plus, you already know Tanner, so it won't be too bad."
My nose scrunched up at the thought of having to spend even a day under the same roof as Tanner Wells, but it beat the alternative of spending the night in a house with my father after what he'd said about Maya. Not by much, but enough to make the thought off Tanner's womanizing ways tolerable.
"Can I ask you something?" Parker whispered, eyes trained straight ahead.
I nodded, then realized he couldn't take his eyes off the road and said it aloud. "Yes."
"When you were texting me over the summer, you were covering for her, weren't you?"
I nodded. "Yeah. She told me to let it go, but I didn't want you to guys to drift apart. So I did everything in my power to try and keep your friendship alive through the entire pregnancy and even a little before that. But I guess that still wasn't enough, because look where we are now."
Parker reached over the clutch and rested a hand on my leg. "Thank you, Mia."
I was too exhausted to try and make out the complex tattoo sleeve and just nodded. "Yeah, of course."
There was a long pause, a silence that was just the slightest bit unnerving, before he broke it. "You know what she did. . . the decision she made, you know that wasn't your fault right? And that you couldn't have done anything to stop her."
My mouth grew dry at the comment. He was wrong, I could have done something. I could have dropped my plans and went running when she called and asked for help with the twins. If I had made the attempt to stop by her place sooner, I could have saved her.
"Mia, it wasn't your fault." Parker repeated it as if I hadn't heard it the first time.
As I looked over at him, then over my shoulder at the back of the twins car seats, I wanted so desperately for him to be right.
Instead of replying to him, I retracted my legs on to the seat and tucked them beneath me, my forehead and top of my left cheek resting against the window. There was no use in trying to shut my eyes, not with a different image of my dead sister haunting me every resting moment. So I found myself straightening myself a little and doing the one thing I was good at; concealing my emotions. I pushed them deeper and deeper into the pit of my stomach until I eventually felt nothing at all.