(TW: brief smut themes/use of safe-word. Panic attacks/severe anxiety, stressful situations such as sexual harassment, violence, blood, and gore. Buckle up and proceed with caution.)
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"Could you coo?
Could you care for a cunning cottage we could share?
The world will pardon my mush
'Cause I have got a crush, my baby, on you~"
It must have been two or three in the morning, or perhaps somewhere in between. Neither of you knew, neither of you cared.
Alastor's old radio played on a low volume from your living-room, Ella Fitzgerald's voice and soothing music carrying through the airwaves of your home. As peaceful as the falling snow, as soothing as a lullaby. Laced with the music, you tuned into the priceless sound of Alastor's heart beating within his chest as you danced with him. The heart he swore belonged to you, and you vowed earlier that day to keep it safe.
'Till death do you part.'
Funny how death parted you from the beginning, but never stopped either of you.
"I wanna bring my mothers necklace with me." You said softly. "When I die. Can we do that?"
"Already thought of that, same with your favorite plushie." He hummed. Holding you close as you both swayed to the gentle tune. "Also I made a collar for Binx, like your ring, so we can bring him with us."
You nodded, a gentle smile on your face at the news. You nestled your husband and hugged him tightly.
"Thank you." You whispered.
His ruby and crimson eyes fluttered open. Lashes as delicate as a butterfly's wing. He furrowed a brow and looked down at you. "Of course, but you needn't thank me."
"How could I not? Most people don't get such a luxury when they pass on."
"If you can call damnation a luxury." He sighed. He felt you shrug.
"You know," he started. Taking a steady breath in and smoothing out your hair as he continued to slow dance with you in your kitchen. "We still haven't talked about what happened."
"Is there a need to?" You asked numbly.
"Y/n..." he sighed. Ceasing the swaying of the dance and pulled away. Gently holding your upper arms in his hands as he looked at you. Your tired eyes met his gaze. "I know you. And I know you're suppressing."
"I'm not suppressing anything." You calmly insisted.
"My love, please..." he urged. "I don't want this to simmer in silence only for your emotions to boil over one day. I know you're thinking about it. I know you've been thinking about it. You've been more quiet ever since, and... I just worry about you."
"What's to worry about?" You sighed. Feeling a little exasperated. You were having such a nice moment, why did he have to bring it up now?
"Yeah. I chopped up my ex boyfriend with an axe." You stated nonchalantly. "I hacked his fucking head off like I'm the goddamn queen of hearts and I sliced him up like he was a Christmas ham. What is the problem, here?"
"You killed somebody." He stated. "And you won't let it sink in."
"He deserved it." You scoffed. "Are you saying I did the wrong thing?"
"Darling you know as well as I do that I'm the last person who should lecture you about violent homicide." He said, pulling you back in to hug you. His voice was soft as he spoke, he didn't want to upset you more than the subject already had. "I'm overjoyed that you did it. I'm so proud, you're a natural!"
His proud and excited smile faded to a softer, more subtle one as he cleared his throat awkwardly. Saying you have a knack for murder isn't exactly what he was trying to get at. "My point is, my dear... is that when I killed my father, I thought that's all I would ever do. I didn't expect to turn into this. The man I am today. And my concern lies within the fact that now that you've already done it once-"
"You wonder if I'll do it again?" You asked, finishing his statement for him. He sighed gently and nodded.
"Hell hardens everybody. One day someone is going to piss you off enough, or, you're going to have to protect yourself. And that little voice is going to remind you just how easy it is to take a soul." He said lowly. "You already broke the seal."
You didn't know what to say. Your first instinct was to argue, insist that you'd never be a murderer. But you'd be insulting your lover in the process if you did that. And, not for nothing but, he wasn't wrong. You got drugged and almost assaulted just visiting hell, who only knows what could happen the longer you're down there.
"I'm not wondering, Y/n." He continued. "I'm certain you'll kill again."
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A few days had passed, you and Alastor were currently back in New Orleans for your honeymoon. This time spending a couple weeks there, you wanted to make sure you both got your fill of things to do while you were in town. Especially him. Tonight was only your second night there, and what started out as a cozy evening in the air b&b you were staying in had gone from innocent and sweet to hot and heavy.
Unfortunately, halfway during the act of coitus your nerves took a turn. What started out as a rougher session had triggered a flashback for you, and sent you into a panic attack. You tried to mentally talk yourself down for a minute, but it wasn't working. You were about to safe-word out.
"F-fuck..." Alastor panted, his fingers gently squeezing your throat as he bucked his hips into you with hard shallow thrusts. "That's it, take it... bounce on that fucking dick for me~"
"Gummy-bear..." you whimpered quietly.
"What?" He wondered, a bit caught off guard as he looked up at you with concern in his eyes and he slowed his pace.
"Gummy-bear." You said again, a little louder. Feeling tears well up in your eyes, feeling guilty for safe-wording out.
He noticed your tears and frowned at the sight; throwing his lust aside and tending solely to your needs. "Hey, hey, shhh it's okay." He cooed, smoothing out your hair and stopped his thrusts completely. "Are you alright? Do you want to stop?"
You nodded, feeling horrible for having to ask. "P-please... I wanna stop..."
You felt bad, for some reason guilty, but you were overwhelmed and needed a little comfort. It wasn't your fault you started feeling this way and Alastor understood that completely.
"Okay, alright. We can stop." He said softly. "I'm going to pull out and take the bindings off your wrists. Alright darling?"
You nodded, your head hanging low as you felt a little bit of shame for safe wording out. Gentle sobs continued to spill from your lips as Al was quick -but very gentle- in removing the rope that bound your wrists together. Freeing you from your restraints, he sat down on the bed and opened his arms.
"Come here, sweetheart. I've got you." He cooed, wrapping his arms around you and holding you close. You immediately curled up to him and hugged him as you cried softly into his chest. "It's okay, my love. Just hold onto me for as long as you need to."
"I-I'm sorry," you sniveled. "I'm s-so sorry please don't be mad..."
"Shhhh, it's alright." He whispered gently. "I'm not mad at you, I promise. Was it too much?"
"I... I just got overwhelmed, Don't get me wrong I like our rough sessions and it was fun, but... for some reason the choking this time, it reminded me of... when... my ex broke in, and..."
"It brought you back to that night for a moment, didn't it?" He asked sympathetically, kissing your forehead and wiping away your tears with his thumb.
"I'm so sorry...!" you cried, holding him a little tighter. "I'm so so so sorry, I know you're not him and I know you'd never try to hurt me, I feel so bad for asking you to stop-"
"Sweetheart," he interrupted gently. "If you don't feel comfortable, then I don't want to keep going. You're my main concern. If it was too much, I'm glad you told me. The last thing I want to do is make you feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable."
"You hadn't even finished yet I feel so bad-"
"No, no no no. I don't care about that right now. My priority is you. It's okay, I promise." He reassured you. "Here, I pinky promise I'm not mad at you."
You blinked open your watery eyes, blurry from the falling tears you could make out his hand with his pinky out for you. You sniffled and locked your pinky with his, pulling his hand close to your chest as you curled up and tried to stop crying.
Alastor was right about you suppressing.
Unfortunately, you've found yourself plagued by panic attacks again. Much like when Ex/n broke into your house some months ago, but these were happening a lot now. Sometimes there would be something to trigger them, other times your brain just misfired and sent you right into survival mode -even if there wasn't a reason for it. It was exhausting, mentally and physically. You knew there was no threat near you but the racing of your heart and the shakiness in your body made you feel like you were seconds away from danger. You couldn't talk yourself down and tell yourself to calm down, because even though you were fine, the adrenaline and fear was still very much real. You couldn't control it, and they were happening more and more.
The worst one was a few nights prior to this, you had woken up from a night terror and couldn't calm down. Your arms and legs felt tingly and your heart hurt so much you wondered if you were having a heart attack. Alastor was very understanding and tried his best to help you any way that he could, even if it was just being there with you until you felt better. Sometimes it would take an hour or two. But he never complained, not even once. It did however break his black heart into pieces to see you so strung out and unwound, he wished he could just put all your broken pieces back together and hug you so tightly that you never came undone ever again. But he knew it wasn't that simple. So he just did what he could.
"We can stay like this for as long as you want Y/n." He reassured you. "Everything is okay, even if it feels scary right now. I'm so proud of you for telling me, I'm so very proud of you. I don't want to overwhelm you like that."
"Y-you sure?" You stammered.
"Of course. Darling I don't want you to feel guilted into it, I don't want you to stifle yourself just to make me happy." He said. "I'm happier when I can try and take care of you. I love you so much, my sweet girl."
"Thank you Alastor..." you whimpered, closing your eyes again. Wishing you could stop feeling like your body was at war with your brain. Trying to find comfort in your husbands loving embrace despite the surge of panic coursing through you.
"You needn't thank me, darling." He said. Continuing to hold you and offer his affection like petting your hair and rubbing your back gently. "We're going to try and slow your breathing down, alright? If we steady that out, your heart will follow, and hopefully it'll help this pass a little sooner. Feel my chest, feel it rise, hold, and fall. Can you feel my pace and try to match it, dear?"
Alastor sat patiently as he helped you slow your breathing, never getting impatient with you showing agitation. He stayed calm and talked you through it, gently reassuring you every so often that you were going to be okay and that he wasn't upset with you. Eventually you had finally reached a state where you felt like you had more control of yourself.
Now you just felt exhausted.
Sitting on your husbands lap as he gently rocked you in his arms, you blinked away one last silent tear and looked up at him. His gaze was soft, loving and kind as those gorgeous red eyes laid upon you. He could no longer hear your heart racing, and you seemed to be a little more composed. "Would you like me to get you some water, dear?"
You nodded, sniffling a little and taking a deep breath. You pulled away from him a little as he summoned a glass in his hand and carefully passed it to you.
"Thank you." You mumbled quietly.
"Feeling a bit better?" He asked, brushing strands of hair out of your face as you gingerly sipped from the glass.
"Yeah." You sighed gently. "Just tired."
"What do you want to do?" His voice floating to your ears as you stared out towards the wall. "Do you want to keep going how we were? Or, we can do something sweeter? Or we can even do something else entirely, it's completely up to you."
"Maybe later we can keep going..." you offered. "Right now I wanna do something else. I'm sorry..."
"Don't be sorry, my love." He cooed, kissing your forehead. "You've not a thing to apologize for. Tell you what. The night is still young, so why don't we get some takeout from one of the local restaurants, bring it back here, and then we can eat and snuggle and watch whatever movies you want. Would you like that?"
You smiled a little and nodded. He couldn't help but smile back, trying to encourage your spirits further. Booping your nose playfully and then cradling your cheek and jaw within his hand. "Yes? Is that a yes? Does my sweetheart want that?"
"Yes." You chuckled softly, leaning into his touch. Dammit, he was so sweet. You couldn't help but just melt from his affection.
"As you wish, my love. It shall be done." He grinned, giving you a sweet and chaste kiss upon your lips before gently nudging you off of his lap. "I'm going to go clean up, while I'm doing that you figure out where you want to order from. Alright?"
"Alright." You smiled. Looking at your lover with deep reverence and adoration as he got off the bed and stood up. Your gaze panning down his body and stopped when you noticed he still seemed to be... well, ready to go.
"What?" He wondered, looking back and noticing your gaze. "Why are you staring, my eyes are up here."
"Sorry, just... you're still looking rock-hard there, bud." You said, suppressing a tiny smirk. "Difficult to ignore."
He sighed begrudgingly and looked down at himself. "Yes, it's... very determined."
"I see that." You chuckled weakly. "Guess you're gonna have to keep it between your stomach and waistband." You shrugged.
"Hopefully not." He groaned, grabbing his clothes off the floor and bringing them into the bathroom. "Cold shower might help. If you need me you just come right in, alright?"
"Mmkay. Good luck." You hummed.
He hummed with amusement at you and with that, closed the door behind him. You heard the water turn on and got out of the bed. Trying to balance on what felt like baby deer legs as you gathered up your clothes and a new pair of underwear. Once you were dressed you pulled out your phone, lounging on the bed as you looked up different restaurants nearby. You repressed a wheeze when you suddenly heard Alastor's very frustrated voice shrieking from within the shower.
"GO DOWN ALREADY, DAMMIT!!" He yelled. Presumably angry at his stubborn hard-on. "Stupid fucking thing I hATE YOU!!! WHY?!?!"
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"Whatcha gonna get?" You asked, hugging Alastor's arm and bouncing a little on your toes as you waited in line with him. He chuckled and grinned down at you.
"Ohh... I'm torn." He sighed. "We're definitely splitting an order of boudin balls, though."
"Mmf, yes please." You chuckled gently. "I think I saw a liquor store across the street, by the way. I wanna stop there in the way back."
"Or," he paused, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small wad of cash and discreetly tucking it into your pocket. "I'll order for us while you run on over, buy anything you like, and meet me back over here."
"Alastor you don't have to pay for-"
"Aht aht aht," he interrupted. "Sweetheart it is our honeymoon and I'll be damned if I didn't spoil you."
"You're damned anyway, I thought." You said quietly with a smirk. He smirked back and gave you a light smack on the ass, ushering you to do as he said.
"Move along. Shoo." He teased.
You giggled and hurried on out of the cozy building and out into the southern heat. Smiling a little as a gentle breeze whisked it's way by; blowing through your hair and against your skin. Looking both ways before darting across the street and scurrying inside the place.
You meandered about, looking at the various spirits and wines that the place had to offer. You had grabbed a bottle of Kraken for Alastor, a bottle of of Jack Honey for yourself and a bottle of some wine to split between the two of you. Browsing through some of the miscellaneous things like little shooter bottles, drink accessories and gift bags, you didn't notice someone approaching you.
I should probably get a bottle opener, you thought, looking down at the cheap, t-shaped wooden cork-screws and back to the wine in your arm. You reached for one and picked it up. Yeah. I don't think there is one back in the-
"Party tonight, huh?" A strangers voice said. "That's an awful lot of alcohol for you to drink by yourself, missy."
You turned and saw a man next to you, perhaps in his mid to late thirties. He had a playful smile as if he thought he was funny. But something about his eyes looked a little... cold.
You politely nodded with a tight smile, not wanting to engage in any further interaction. Absentminded putting the cork-screw in your hoodie pocket as you walked away from that area of the store.
He straggled behind for a minute while you glanced around one final time for something else you might want when this nuisance came back to bother you.
"You live around here?" He asked, coming up behind you and reaching for a bottle of vodka that was in front of you.
By now you felt uncomfortable and a little creeped out. Not wanting to give him any inkling that you cared to hold a conversation, you put on your best bitch-face expression and walked away from him again. This time b-lining it to the counter to check out.
You didn't see him leave as you were walking away.
"Find everything alright?" The cashier asked. A young freckle-faced blonde woman, with round glasses and a friendly smile.
"Uh huh." You nodded, looking behind you while she began ringing out your stuff. You didn't see him anywhere. Your attention was broken at the sound of a paper bag opening, and the woman across the counter carefully bagging your bottles.
"Is that gonna be it for today?"
"Yes."
"Total is 97.23$."
You pulled out the cash that Alastor had given you and paid, taking the bag and cradling it in your arm before taking back the change and leaving.
Still no detectable sign of the creep from inside, you looked around and crossed the street. Al must have been inside still as you didn't see him anywhere, you decided to wait outside the building for him. Assuming he was going to be out shortly, either with the food or to wait for it with you.
Huffing, you set the bag of booze down next to you and took in the stars that had just started to become visible in the sky. You smiled softly at the beauty of it, and took in a deep breath.
A moment of peace, so short-lived.
Your solitude was interrupted by a harsh grab.
The next thing you knew you were yanked back beside the building and embraced tightly from behind. One hand covering your mouth while the other held your waist.
"You look so lonely," that voice scoffed. It was him. The man from inside. He pressed himself against you and sniffed your hair, his stubble on his face irritating your neck as he invaded your space and breathed you in. Immediately, you felt panic. Only this time you had every reason to. "You just had to be a bitch."
His one arm reached to undo his belt. As you heard the sound, your mind went out from under you. It sent you over the edge. All you saw was red.
No.
No!
"NO!"
You fought and writhed against his hold, clamping your teeth into his hand and sinking your chompers deep into him. He grit his teeth and threw you aside, in pain and very pissed off. You grunted as you fell on something in your pocket, remembering the cork-screw you accidentally stole. You lit up like a firecracker when you remembered you had it and hurried to your feet. Holding it with the metal screw between your fingers like a set of brass knuckles; and you lunged at him.
You were so gone in your rage you hadn't noticed Alastor coming over to help. But, he couldn't help but stop and just stare at what you were doing to this stranger. He couldn't take his eyes off the scene before him. The blood. Your wicked smile.
You pierced the sharp coiled metal through the man's windpipe, his groans quickly gurgling as crimson oozed from the wound. Gargled coughs spat up blood, spraying into your face. You hardly even blinked. You just ripped out the weapon and stabbed him through the eye; the sharp edge penetrating the cornea as easily as a knife through butter. Pulling the eye out as you brought your hand back, the ocular nerve pulled taught until it disconnected from the skull. Noticing his gaping open mouth you crammed the eye and screw into his mouth, down -and through- his throat. The last shred of life leaving his eye.
You panted and sat back, slowly realizing what you had just done. You looked up and over to your side, seeing Alastor standing there at the entrance of the alleyway. He wasn't smiling. But he wasn't frowning either. He looked around quickly to make sure no one had seen and grabbed your things, waved over a few of his shadows, and grabbed your arm.
"Rid this area of any evidence of what happened here." He said to his shadows. Then looked over at you. Without saying a word, he teleported you both back to the place you were staying at.
He looked wearily at you, setting the food and drink down onto a table near by and walked over to you.
"Darling?"
"I..." you stammered, looking down at you hands. They were covered in blood. Your hoodie was bloody, too. So were the tips of your hair. You could feel it on your face... "I killed him..."
"Y/n?" He asked gently. Taking your hands in his, unsure of what you were feeling. "Are you alright?"
"He grabbed me, he was gonna hurt me... And..." you murmured. Your eyes glazed over and a smile crept upon your face again. Soft, little laughs leaving your lips. Little laughs that turned into laughter. Hearty, maniacal cackling. Alastor's heart sank.
He knew that laugh, he remembered expressing it himself roughly a century ago.
He watched as tears streamed down your face, your eyes looked so sad... it took a while for your smile and voice to catch up. Turning into a distraught frown, sobs spilling from your throat. Al's ears flattened to his head as he wrapped his arms around you and hugged you. Feeling you hug him back; squeezing him tightly and crying into his shoulder. No doubt staining his grey dress-shirt with blood, but he couldn't care less at the moment. His only priority was you.
"It's okay, darling." He whispered. "It's okay."