Warnings: Fluff! SMUT! 18+ ONLY! MINORS DNI! Angst! Insecurities!
Steve was walking back into the apartment after spending the afternoon with Bucky. As he opened the door he was greeted by the sweet sound of you laughing and JJ babbling. Following the noise he found you giving JJ a bath. JJ having the best time slapping the water around him.
"Careful bean there's more water on the floor than in the bath" Steve smiles leaning against the doorframe.
You smile looking over your shoulders at him "hey I didn't hear you come in, did you have fun at Bucky's?" You ask him.
"Yeah, his goat kept trying to eat my trousers though," Steve says walking in and bending down beside him.
"His goat has a name" you remind him with a smirk.
"I refuse to refer to it by name, isn't that right JJ" Steve smiles gently tickling JJ's stomach.
JJ squeals his tiny hands moving to grab at Steve's fingers, his grip getting stronger every day. Steve laughed along with him smiling when JJ smiles at him.
"Right fella we should get you out and ready for bed" you smile lifting JJ out of his little tub.
Steve passes you the towel and you quickly wrapped JJ up, tapping his nose and making him smile. You then turn passing JJ to Steve catching him off guard slightly.
"You get him ready, while I prep our dinner for later," you say drying your hands and standing up.
"Oh yeah sure," Steve says standing up.
He heads into the nursery laying JJ down on the changing table. He grabs a fresh sleep onesie before drying JJ off. As he does so he chuckles as JJ tried to grab for everything.
"You aren't making this easy bean" Steve chuckles with a sigh as he shakes his head.
As soon as he was dressed JJ frowned before sniffling. Steve instantly knowing that tears were on the way quickly scooped JJ up to soothe him. It didn't work though as JJ started crying loudly. Steve sighed as he held JJ close walking around the room trying to calm down.
"Hey, hey, hey, it's okay, what's wrong bean? Are you tired is that it?" Steve says as he rocked JJ gently.
JJ responded by crying even louder making Steve groan quietly. He continues to walk around the room, shushing him, trying everything to get JJ to settle. Steve was starting to think JJ would just have to wear himself out.
"He's hungry, I haven't got a bottle ready so let me take him," you say as you walk into the nursery.
"Are you sure?" Steve asks as he passes you JJ.
"Yeah, it's his hungry cry," you say moving to sit down.
"Hungry cry" Steve mutters under his breath.
He was surprised that you could tell the difference. They all sounded the same to him. How was he supposed to know what to do if he couldn't tell what the different cries were? Couldn't work out what his own son needed.
Almost immediately JJ quietened down as he started feeding. He watched as you smiled down at JJ who then fell asleep straight away after he was full. Steve followed as you carried him out of the nursery and into your bedroom placing him down in the bassinet.
"Night bean" you whisper kissing the top of his head.
You turn around seeing Steve hovering by the door as he watched. You smiled as you walked over to him. Your hands run up his chest to his shoulders. Your fingers move up into his hair as you pull his lips down to yours. Steve instantly relaxes, smiling into the kiss as his hands rest on your hips pulling you closer.
"Let's go relax before he wakes again" you whisper taking Steve's hand and leading him out of the bedroom.
A couple of days later Steve woke up feeling like he hadn't slept. He rubbed his eyes tiredly with a deep sigh before glancing around the room. He notices that both you and JJ were gone, he then hears you talking to JJ outside the bedroom.
Steve thought about getting out of bed, going and joining you but he couldn't bring himself to. He wasn't sure why, if it was because he was tired, or if he was giving into that little voice in his head. Telling him that he wasn't doing a good enough job. He just stared up at the ceiling.
He then heard the bedroom door open, looking over he saw you walking in JJ in a sling as you carried a tray full of food. Steve frowns in confusion as he pushes himself up onto his elbows.
"What's this?" He asks as you pit the tray down.
"Do you know what day it is?" You smirk as you sit down taking JJ out of the sling and sitting him on your lap.
Steve racks his brain trying to remember exactly what day it was. Then trying to work out the significance of today. For the life of him, he couldn't remember a single thing.
"If I say no are you gonna be mad?" Steve asked raising a brow and making you laugh.
"No, especially since this is our first year celebrating it," you tell him making him even more confused as he sat up.
"Happy Father's Day Stevie" you smile leaning over to kiss him.
"That's today?" Steve asks surprised.
"Yeah, hence breakfast in bed" you chuckle nodding down to the tray.
"It looks amazing thanks princess" Steve smiles kissing you before grabbing the tray and pulling it onto his lap.
"JJ did most of the work" you smirk making Steve laugh.
"Good work JJ, learning how to cook from your ma instead of me" Steve smiles tickling JJ's stomach.
"So what do you wanna do today?" You ask as Steve starts eating.
"I don't mind just spending the day with you two, relaxing" Steve smiles shrugging his shoulders.
"Okay nice chilled day it is" you agree smiling down at JJ who gurgled in agreement.
Once Steve had finished eating you passed him JJ while taking the tray away. When you returned you passed him an envelope.
"JJ worked very hard on this so we hope you like it" you smile.
Steve opens up the envelope finding the handmade card on the inside. On the front was a tiny blue footprint which Steve instantly knew belonged to JJ. The words ' world's best dad' written on the front making Steve's breath catch.
He opens it up chuckling as the scribbles across the page which must have been done by JJ. Around the scribbled, you had written a little message on JJ's behalf.
Dada,
Sorry for the late nights, but you're my favourite dad in the universe.
Love you lots
JJ x
Steve sniffled back the tears as he read the card. He didn't feel deserving of them. He wasn't anywhere near as good at this as you were. Living in constant fear that he would do something wrong.
"Thank you JJ" Steve sighs kissing the top of his head.
"Hey, you okay?" You ask quietly rubbing Steve's arm soothingly.
"Yeah I'm fine," Steve says forcing a smile "just- just so grateful"
"You deserve it, all of it" you smile leaning over to kiss him.
The rest of the day was spent relaxing in the apartment. Steve watched as you lay next to JJ on the floor pointing to the dangling objects in his play gym. Loving the scene so much, he grabbed his pencils and sketchpad and started sketching the scene. Earning a bashful smile from you when you spotted him.
That evening after feeding JJ you asked Steve to put him down. JJ was already pretty sleepy so Steve made sure to carry him extra gently. Once he lay him down in the bassinet Steve sat down on the edge of the bed with a deep sigh of relief. Getting JJ down for an evening had been challenging the last couple of weeks but it looked like it was getting better.
Steve still remained watching JJ as he fell asleep. Today had been a good day. Steve felt a bit more confident, the voice in his head wasn't as loud. JJ's personality was really starting to come through making Steve smile just at the thought. He loved JJ more and more every day, he just hoped he would do right by him, not mess up.
Eventually, Steve slipped out of the bedroom grabbing the baby monitor as he went. As he stepped out he saw you had tidied up everything, putting it back in its place. You were sat on the couch book in hand as you waited for him.
"Did he go down okay? You were in there a while" you say putting your book down.
"Yeah he fell asleep a while ago, just thought I'd wait just in case," Steve says sitting down beside you, arm outstretched across the back of the couch.
"Yeah it's been a bit difficult recently, damn colic" you sigh resting your hand on his arm.
"Yeah it seems to be getting better though, last week was worst" Steve sighs his other hand moving to rest on your knee.
"True, I can't believe it's been 6 weeks already" you smile softly.
"It has gone quick" Steve hums, his hand rubbing your knee absentmindedly.
"It's a big milestone for the parents," you say shifting closer to Steve.
"I'd say the point where he sleeps through the night is a bigger one" Steve chuckles oblivious to what you were hinting at.
"We don't have to wait until then to have some time to ourselves though" you point out, moving so you were straddling his lap.
Steve looks up at you with confusion and surprise as you rest your hands on his shoulders. His hands instinctively move to your hips.
"I- um-" Steve stutters looking up at you flustered.
"Can you remember said what Dr Achebe said we can do after 6 weeks?" You prompt smirking down at him as you run your fingers across the nap of his neck and up into his hair.
Steve thinks for a moment recalling the last time he saw the doctor. Remembering the conversation they had.
"Are you sure you're ready?" Steve asks you, gently running his hands up and down your sides.
"Yes, I heal fast remember, Dr Achebe said to wait for 6 weeks still but fuck I've been ready for a couple of weeks now," you say shifting gently making Steve groan quietly.
"Why didn't you say anything?" Steve asks squeezing your hips.
"Because I knew you'd be worried about me and wouldn't be able to enjoy it, plus we've been pretty tired thanks to JJ," you say as you lean down kissing his neck and shoulders.
"I wouldn't worry" Steve mumbles as he cups your cheek guiding your lips to his.
"Prove it" you smirk.
Steve grins, his hands moving to the back of your legs. He moves you, laying you down on the couch. You wrap your arms around his shoulders as he kisses you deeply. His hands travel over your body exploring you as if it was the first time.
Your hands move down his chest, unbuttoning his shirt before pushing it off. He pulls back enough to pull your vest up over your head, before quickly pulling your shorts and panties off together. He tentatively runs his fingers over your core making you gasp and arch your back.
"Stop worrying and get on it," you tell him making him chuckle.
"Not a problem princess" he smirks, his fingers finding your clit adding pressure.
You let out a long moan as he ran his fingers over you, collecting your slick before slowly pushing inside you. You grasp hold of his back tightly as he trusts his fingers inside you. The itch you've been craving for days now is finally being scratched. But it wasn't enough, you needed more.
"Stevie- I- I love the foreplay- but fuck- I need you inside me right now" you pant cupping his cheeks, crashing his lips down to yours.
"You don't have to ask me twice" Steve smirks moving to push his jeans and boxers off, your hands moving to join his.
Once freed your fingers wrap around his member slowly pumping it. Steve groans dropping his head, and pressing his forehead against yours. He hadn't realised how much he missed your touch, how much he craved it.
You shift underneath him, guiding him towards your entrance. As soon as he felt the sensation of your core against him, Steve didn't resist the urge to press into you. The both of you trying and failing to hold back your moans.
He slowly began to thrust into you, gradually picking up the pace. The room fills with the sounds of your moans and curses. Neither of you lasted long, not that you minded.
Steve shifted the two of you so that you were lying on top of him. Your head resting on his chest, his hand running over up and down your back. You could feel yourself falling asleep on Steve's chest but just as your eyes closed JJ started crying.
"Fucking colic" Steve groans making you chuckle.
"I'll go" you sigh pushing yourself off him.
Steve watches as you grab his shirt slipping it on and buttoning up just a couple of buttons to keep it shut. You smile down at him as you catch him staring. You bend over kissing him gently before heading into the bedroom.
****
Guilty. That's all Steve felt. Guilt. He wished he could say he didn't know how it happened. But he did. He knew exactly how he ended up in this situation.
3 months ago Nat had asked him to help on a mission. Sam was injured and Wanda was away so he couldn't not help out. He felt guilty about leaving you with 4 month old JJ but if he was in any other line of work he'd be back working already.
He was expecting to hate being away from you and JJ. But he didn't and he hated that. He was back to doing something he was good at and it filled him with a sense of relief and calm. Especially since he still didn't feel like he knew what he was doing as a dad. As soon as he thought he got a grip on it something would change, throwing him a curveball.
He told himself that it would be the only mission he'd do, but he couldn't help himself. For the next 3 months, Steve took every opportunity to go on a mission. Even if they could cope without him. But on every mission, he felt guilty. Guilty that he was leaving you alone.
It was the evening when he got home from yet another mission. He paused outside the apartment door taking a deep breath before heading inside. Telling himself that he'd make it up to you.
Opening the door he sees you sitting on the floor playing with JJ. You smile when you see him.
"Hey, how was the mission?" You ask as he drops his pack by the door.
"Good, simpler than expected," he says walking over.
"How are you little bean?" Steve asks bending down next to JJ who squeals making a grabbing motion for Steve.
"Still fussy, but what can you expect when he's teething" you sigh looking over at JJ.
"I'm gonna take a shower," Steve says kissing the top of your head as he stands.
Later on once JJ was put down for the night you and Steve sat down for your own dinner. Steve telling you stories from the mission, you humming along. Once you were done eating you collected the plates taking them into the kitchen.
Steve follows you in, finding you standing at the sink washing up. He walks over wrapping his arms around your waist and kissing your shoulders.
"Leave that, let's spend some time just you and me," Steve says kissing your neck.
"Not tonight Steve I have too much to do" you sigh pushing him off you.
"C'mon doll the plates can wait, we can just relax," Steve says rubbing your back.
"It's not just the plates Steve, I've got a bunch of laundry to do, just for JJ, I haven't cleaned the apartment in ages, I haven't done any food prep at all" you sigh shaking your head.
"Do all that tomorrow" Steve suggests making you scoff.
"No I can't Steve! This is the only time I get to do any of this stuff" you snap turning around to face him.
"Hey, calm down, I just want you to relax," Steve says trying to calm you down.
"I can't relax Steve! JJ is fussing constantly because he's teething, when he's not fussing he's crawling around the apartment at high-speed meaning if I take my eyes off him for one second he completely disappears! I haven't slept properly in days! The apartment is a mess!" You rant pacing back and forth and running your hands through your face.
"Doll-" Steve sighs trying to say something but you don't let him.
"All I do is look after JJ, clean and sleep! That's it! I don't get a moment to myself! I'm exhausted but I can't stop because you're not here! Off on missions constantly! I've barely seen you the past couple of months" you exclaim turning back to face him.
"They've needed me," Steve says defending himself.
"No they haven't! Nat told me herself! You've been tagging along on missions when you don't need to! Leaving me here on my own! I mean what the fuck Steve!" You shout making Steve sigh.
At that exact moment, JJ started crying in the other room making you curse.
"I'll go" Steve sighs moving to step around you.
"No, I will" you state walking out of the kitchen.
"What do you want me to do?" Steve asks throwing his arms out in agitation.
"Just- just go Steve, go see Sam or Bucky or something just leave me alone" you sigh walking away into the nursery.
Steve sighs running his hand over his face. He wanted to follow you, apologise and talk this through. But you clearly needed the space so he grabbed his jacket and left.
He headed out of the city towards the tribal lands, deciding to get some fresh air and go see Bucky. As he approaches Bucky's hut he sees him standing outside by the fire. Bucky turns around when he hears Steve approach, frowning slightly.
"What are you doing here? I thought you'd be relaxing with Y/N post-mission" Bucky asks as Steve sits down.
"She kicked me out" Steve admits with a heavy sigh.
"Shit, What did you do?" Bucky asks looking over at Bucky in disbelief.
"Nothing, not really anyway" Steve sighs.
"Okay, what didn't you do?" Bucky then asks.
"A lot" Steve mutters rubbing his forehead tiredly.
"Okay, run me through everything that happened" Bucky sighs.
Steve recounts everything that happened since he got home from the mission. How you snapped, told him how you knew about the missions.
"Fuck Steve were you really that pigheaded?" Bucky sighs shaking his head.
"Thanks Buck" Steve mutters shaking his head.
"Seriously Steve she's exhausted, working overtime to get everything done while you've been busy," Bucky tells him.
"I know which is why I wanted her to relax, I was trying to help" Steve argues.
"No that was selfish, you wanted to relax with her, if you really wanted to help you would have helped do all the work she needed to do, let her get some rest!" Bucky points out, Steve sighing unable to argue back.
"Seriously Steve, this isn't like you. Those two should be your top priority but you're going away constantly, why? Because it makes no sense" Bucky sighs.
"Because I don't know how to be a dad! I had no father figure growing up so I have no idea what I'm supposed to do! Y/N is the perfect mother but I'm fumbling along one step away from making a huge mistake!" Steve snaps.
"Missions I can do, I know what I'm doing, but being a dad I have no clue, all I've felt is guilty about going away, I hate the idea of being away from them but I just needed to feel in control again" Steve admits.
Silence falls between the two of them. The only noise being sounds of animals in the bush and the crackling fire.
"Have you spoken to Y/N about this? How you're feeling?" Bucky asks after a few moments.
"No" Steve sighs shaking his head.
"Why not? I thought you two shared everything" Bucky questions.
"Because I didn't want to admit it, because that would make it real, and I didn't want to worry her" Steve admits looking over at Bucky.
"Look pal, I don't know much about fatherhood, but I'm pretty sure everyone is just muddling through. I know my pa made mistakes, everyone does, but I'd rather he was there making those mistake than not being there at all" Bucky says putting a hand on Steve's shoulder.
"But you need to talk to Y/N about this, let her know how you're feeling, she'll understand, but you also need to listen to what's bothering her and do whatever it is to make it easier on her" Bucky continues, Steve nodding his head.
"Thanks, Buck, I can always trust you to knock some sense into me," Steve says with a small smile.
"It's nothing, gotta look out for my godson" Bucky smirks.
"I better head back, and see if I can fix this," Steve says standing up.
"You will, but good luck anyway," Bucky says standing, and hugging Steve.
"Thanks, pal" Steve chuckles before heading off towards the city.
When he got back to the apartment he found you sitting on the couch folding up clothes. You glance up at him when you hear the door open, sniffling slightly before looking away. Steve's heart broke when he saw that you had been crying and that he was the cause.
He walks over and sits down on the couch sitting far enough away to give you space. You don't look over at him, keeping your eyes solely on the task at hand.
"I'm sorry, I was being selfish and I wasn't listening to what you wanted and how you were feeling" Steve starts watching you, getting little to no response.
"I should have offered to do the dishes or help clean up instead of just telling you not to do them, let you rest" Steve continues rubbing his hands together nervously when you still don't do anything.
"And I shouldn't have been going on so many missions, I knew that even before the fight and I still went, I just-" Steve says before taking a deep breath.
"I don't know what I'm doing, I see you being the perfect mother and I don't know how you do it, I feel like I'm failing as a father, I'm never doing anything right and as soon as I feel like I'm getting the hang of it he grows up and changes and it's different. I love JJ so much it hurts when I'm not around, but I'm so terrified of making a mistake and doing something wrong because I never had a dad, I don't know how to be one and I don't want him to suffer because of my failures" Steve admits his voice catching as he held back the wave of emotion.
You finally look over at him, a sad expression on your face. Steve drops his head pinching the bridge of his nose as he tries to stop himself from crying but it's no use. He hears you sigh followed by the sound of you getting up and for a moment Steve panics thinking that you agreed. Thinking he was a terrible father.
But then he feels your arms wrapped around him pulling him into your embrace. He lets out a shuddering breath as you held him.
"How long have you felt like this?" You ask after a few moments.
"On and off since he was born" Steve admits wiping away his tears.
"Oh Steve, why didn't you say anything?" You sigh rubbing his back soothingly.
"I didn't want to make it real, I was scared of what you'd think" Steve sighs shaking his head.
"I would never think you were a bad father, I think you're amazing at it," you tell him.
"I've been a terrible husband though, even now I know you're upset about something but you're comforting me instead," Steve says.
"Because I love you, and I want to make sure you're okay," you say taking his hand in both of yours.
"I love you too, I'm so sorry for not telling you earlier" Steve apologises.
"But please tell me what's wrong so I can help, do something right" Steve presses.
"I'm just exhausted Steve, it's non-stop at the moment, and where JJ is moving onto solids I'm just feeling a bit useless, I miss nursing him, having that connection" you admit looking down.
"You are not useless, not in any sense of the word, yeah he's loving his solids right now but when he wants soothing he wants you" Steve reminds you.
"And with the mess and everything, it's all just piling up around me and the books say to keep active and productive when you're not with the baby but I just want to sleep and watch TV" you sigh.
"Do that then, you don't have to do everything, you are allowed time to yourself, and from this point onwards I'll be more hands-on. I'll do the laundry and cleaning so you can rest and relax" Steve offers making you sigh deeply.
"Thank you Steve, and look I don't know what I'm doing half the time, I'm just doing my best which is what you do. You are a perfect father, you just gotta trust those instincts" you tell him.
"I will thank you," Steve says wrapping his arm around you and pulling you closer.
You let out a deep sigh, resting your hand over his heart "what happened to us Steve? We used to tell each other everything, this whole thing wouldn't have gotten so big if we'd just talked" you sigh looking up at him.
"I dunno I guess with JJ around now, we just got scared because we don't want to hurt him" Steve sighs as he rubs your back.
"Well from now on we need to talk about this sort of stuff so we can stop it from festering into something worse," you tell him looking up at him.
"Deal, now leave the clothes I'll sort them in the morning, we should get some rest" Steve agrees.
"Thank you Stevie, I love you" you smile cupping his cheek.
"I love you more" Steve smiles as he kisses you.
"Impossible" you murmur against his lips.