Warnings: Heavy Angst! Grief! Suicidal Thought! Alcholism! Language! Tiny bit of fluff!
The days following the teams visit to Thanos' farm were a blur. Steve couldn't say what happened if he tried. He just didn't remember.
When he woke up one morning he could hear JJ awake in his crib on the other side of the room. He was babbling but Steve could tell he was getting frustrated and he wanted to get out. He also knew that if he was determined enough he probably could climb out himself.
Pushing the covers off him Steve got up stretching out his back before sighing deeply as his shoulders slumps. As he looked over at JJ he could see his smile growing once he saw his dad.
"Dada!" JJ squeals holding his arms out and making a grabbing motion.
"I'm coming, I'm coming" Steve sighs walking over and lifting JJ out of his crib.
Resting JJ on his hip, he brushed his short blond messy hair down with his hand. JJ looked around the room as he sucked on his thumb.
"Dat?" JJ asks pointing over to the dresser.
Steve looks over where JJ was pointing, his breath catching when he sees the two stuffed teddys. He walks over picking up the teddy that had his suit and shield.
"This is dada" Steve says showing it to JJ.
"Dada" JJ says patting the teddy on its head.
"And this one is-" Steve starts his voice dying in his throat as he tried to finish his sentence, picking up your teddy.
"Mama" JJ says reaching for it.
"Yeah its mama" Steve says choking on his words slightly.
JJ grabs your teddy hugging it closely, Steve had to bite on his lower lips to stop himself from crying. Tears blurring his vision slightly. JJ smiles up at him making steve give him a weak smile.
"Okay you stay with mama while I got have a shower, I'll be right back, scream if you need me okay?" Steve says as he puts JJ in his playpen.
JJ nods as if he actually understood what Steve was saying. A small chuckle escapes his lips as he looks down at his son.
"Clever boy" Steve smiles bending down kiss the top of his head.
Once Steve was showered and dressed he took JJ to the communal kitchen for breakfast. JJ was determined to keep your teddy with him, so much so Steve had to put his diplomatic skills to use to avoid and meltdown and get him to put down his teddy and eat.
Steve set the teddy down on the table so JJ could still see it, but it was out of reach to avoid getting messy. There was no one else in the kitchen, everyone had pretty much gone their separate ways already. Carol had gone to go help other planets along with Rocket and Nebula. Rhodey had left to go help Pepper with Tony, and Thor had left to go see if he could find the remaining Asgardians. Leaving just Steve, Nat and Bruce at the compound.
Once JJ had finished eating he reached for the teddy again, whining in annoyance that he couldn't reach it. He complained even more when Steve wiped his face and the tray in front of him. Nearly at full breakdown when Steve finally passed him the teddy, the meltdown completely avoided. Leaving Steve to finish his toast and coffee in peace.
"Morning" Nat greets as she walks in.
"Morning" Steve sighs glancing up at her.
He went to ask her how she slept but he already knew the answer. None of them were sleeping well, a full undisturbed night's sleep seemed like a distant memory to Steve now.
"Did you give him that?" Nat asks gesturing to the teddy.
"Hm? Oh no he spotted it and demanded it, can't get him to leave it" Steve sighed watching as JJ played with the teddy.
"That's sweet, it probably helps him having something of hers" Nat comments as she makes herself a cup of coffee.
Steve instantly felt aggravated at the comment "it's not the real thing though" he snaps pushing himself up from the table, lifting JJ from his chair and storming out.
When he got back to his room he placed JJ down in his play pen before beginning to pace the room. He rubbed his chin as he tried to get his emotions in check. Eventually sitting down at the foot of the bed, resting his elbows on his knees as he drops his head into his hands. Taking a couple deep shuddering breaths as he runs his hands into his hair.
When he glances back up he spots JJ smiling as he played with your teddy. Steve's heart clenches when he sees how blissfully happy he was, and how unfair it was. Unfair that he had to grow up without you, without a mother. Steve knew what it was like to grow up without a parent, he didn't want that life for his son.
There must be something he could do, something, anything. If he looked hard enough he could find an answer, he's found answers in the past, he's done the impossible he could do it again.
Standing up he sets to work, grabbing a bag a packing everything he and JJ would need so they wouldn't be interrupted. He lifted JJ out of the playpen setting him down on the bed so he could collapse the playpen. Once he was ready he picked up JJ, the bag and the playpen and left his room.
Walking through the halls of the compound he was grateful that the entire campus was deserted because it meant no one saw where he was going. Eventually he found the room he was after, it was a lab that was barely used.
He set up the playpen putting JJ down with the teddy and enough toys to keep him occupied. He put his bag down on the side before sitting down at the computer and turning it on.
"Friday? If anyone asks where I am, tell them I took JJ out of the park" Steve tells the AI.
"Of course sir" Friday responds.
Steve sighs glancing over his shoulder at JJ before setting to work. Researching into anything he could find about the infinity stones, trying to see if there was a way to remake them, if there was more, if there was something out there strong enough to reverse them.
Steve worked for hours, skipping dinner he'd brought something for JJ to eat and he didn't want to anyway. Once it was time for JJ to go to sleep Steve put him to bed grabbing the baby monitor before returning to his work. Working late into the night.
Steve managed to go a whole week spending every waking hour researching the stones until he was discovered.
"What are you doing in here?" Nat asks walking into the lab.
"Nothing, how did you find me?" Steve asks turning so could use his body to hide the screen.
"Friday told me you were in your room which wasn't true so I got her to tell me truth" Nat explains hands on her hips.
"Traitor" Steve mutters under his breath.
Nat looks over his shoulder spotting what he was looking at before sighing in disappointment.
"Steve that's not gonna be helping you right now" she tells him gently.
"I have to Nat, I need to find something to reverse what happened" Steve sighs shaking his head.
"Steve we can't-" Nat sighs before Steve interrupts.
"No Nat this can't be it! We can't have lost! We don't lose! They can't be gone for forever, she can't be gone" Steve argues having to take a deep shaky breath to calm himself and hold back the tears.
"Steve-" Nat says gently taking a couple of steps towards him.
"Leave it Natasha" Steve snaps glaring up at her.
"Fine, you know where I am when you need me" Nat sighs holding her hands up and walking out of the labs.
Steve sighs running his hand over his face before turning back to the computer and continuing with his work.
He continued on for another couple days before Nat started interfering. First she set a timer on the computer in the lab so it would turn off after 6pm. Then she would tell Friday to block anything about the Infinity stones on the tablet he used. Then she locked the lab, when Steve tried other labs he found information on the stones blocked on them too.
"Romanoff!" Steve yells storming into the common room where she was looking over a hologram.
She sighs when she sees him, crossing her arms over her chest as she waited for what he had to say.
"How dare you lock my access! I'm trying to fix this, get them back and you're stopping me!" Steve growls pointing at her accusingly.
"Because we can't Steve! We can't bring them back! I know how desperate you are and I'm sorry! But there's people who are still around that need our help!" Nat snaps pointing at the hologram.
"This can't be the end" Steve states his voice breaking.
"It is, I'm sorry Steve I really am, if I could do something to bring them back I would but I can't, because there's nothing I can do, all I can do is help those who need it right now" Nat sighs walking over and putting a cautious hand on his shoulder.
"JJ needs you right now, you need to be here for him, not being left in his play pen all day while you work" She continues, Steve dropping his head in shame.
When he glances back up he looks around the room, his breath catching when he sees you stood in the corner. He gulped as he watched you look back at him sadly, arms crossed over your chest.
"She's right Steve" you'd tell him softly.
He has to look away, taking a shuddering breath as he screws his eyes shut. When he opens them again he looks over to where you were stood, seeing just an empty space.
"I'm sorry Nat, I just can't believe she's gone" Steve apologises looking back at Nat.
"Its okay, I'm having a hard time with it to, we're not used to- to not winning, but we need to focus our attention on those we can help, because there's so many that do" Nat sighs shaking her head.
"Thanks Nat" Steve sighs giving her a weak smile.
"It's nothing, I'm sure giving you a kick up the ass is part of the god mother duties" Nat says with a weak chuckle, sniffling slightly.
"He's very lucky to have you" Steve sniffles.
"I'm here for you too" Nat reminds him.
"Thanks Nat" Steve smiles hugging her.
As he looks over her shoulder he spots you again but this time you were smiling and giving him a thumbs up.
*
Steve was sat outside with JJ watching as he played with the grass and the toys. Steve occasionally stepping in to stop JJ from eating dirt.
Playtime was disrupted when the jet flew overhead landing a short distance from them. Steve looked over to see the door open and Nat walk out. Even from this distance Steve could tell something was wrong. When she glanced over Steve gave her a small wave gesturing for her to come over.
As she sat down on the floor JJ let out an excited squeal holding his arms out to her. She gave him a small smile lifting him onto her lap.
"How did it go?" Steve asks.
"Laura and the kids are definitely gone" Nat sighs looking down at JJ holding one of his toys in front of him.
"I'm sorry, what about Clint? Was he there?" Steve asks carefully.
"I don't know, he wasn't there but something was off, I think he might have survived" she says taking a shaky breath as she looks over at him.
"Really?" Steve asks furrowing his brows.
"Yeah, his ankle bracelet was broken in the barn, some of his weapons were gone" Nat explains shaking her head.
"It doesn't make sense, if he was around why isn't he here" Steve points out with a sigh.
"He's alive Steve" Nat states.
"We don't know that, he might have gone and someone else stole his gear" Steve reasons.
"He's alive Steve I know it" she snaps quickly passing JJ over to him before storming off inside.
JJ whines in confusion as he watches her go, Steve moving him so he was sat in his knee, rubbing his back soothingly.
"Its okay bean, she just needs some space" Steve sighs.
He knew what he said really didn't help and that he should apologise for not being supportive enough. But for whatever reason he just couldn't bring himself to believe Clint was still around. It just didn't make sense and he didn't know why.
Throughout the day Steve continued to think about the whole Clint situation. Nat was most likely right about him still being alive, no one knew about the farm house so who would rob it. Plus what robber would only take a few weapons. Clint was still alive and the more Steve thought about it the more angry he got.
Needing to feel some form of release, once he's put JJ to bed he made his way down to the gym. Already knowing it was going to be one of those nights he lined up spare punchbags ready to replace the one he inevitably broke.
The more he worked out the more the anger simmered inside him, getting worse and worse with every punchbag he destroyed. He growled in frustration landing one last big punch to the bag and sending it flying across the room.
"Wow I don't think even the hulk could do that" Steve heard Bruce say behind him.
Steve looked over his shoulder at the man, Bruce visibly recoiling when he saw the fury in Steve's eyes.
"You okay?" Bruce asks cautiously.
"No" Steve states grabbing another punching bag and hanging it up.
"Is it about the whole Clint thing?" Bruce asks as Steve starts punching the bag again.
"Nat told you about that?" Steve says, more as a statement than a question.
"Yeah, she um said you told her Clint couldn't be alive" Bruce tells him making him scoff.
"No I said that he might not be, I didn't want her to get her hopes up" Steve states punching the bag a little harder.
"Why? Why do you think that?" Bruce presses.
"Because it doesn't make sense!" Steve snaps, catching the bag and whipping round to face Bruce who takes a nervous step back.
"If he's alive why isn't he here! Why isn't he trying to help! It's not fair!" Steve rants clenching his fists.
"What isn't fair?" Bruce asks confused.
"We're all here, all of us are still alive and she isn't! Why! Why take just her!" Steve yells his anger getting the better of him.
Bruce sighs in realisation, remaining silent while Steve said his piece. Said what he needed to say to get it off his chest.
"It's doesn't make sense, I thought that if Clint didn't make it then it was just a random chance whether you stayed or not, but out of all of us, the original group she's the only one not around anymore! That can't be chance! Why did he pick her!" Steve rants before letting out a shuddering sigh as sorrow replaced his anger.
"Why her?" He mutters dropping his head screwing his eyes shut to try and stop himself from crying, ultimately failing.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, body shaking as he silently wept. Exhaustion taking over his body.
"I don't know Steve, I wish I had the answers, to make this easier for you, but I don't and I'm sorry" Bruce sighs as he steps closer.
"It was probably just chance and we just happened to be the lucky ones, or Thanos knew how strong and powerful she was, that she could be the one to stop him so had to take her out, or she used that power to sacrifice herself for JJ, or there's an all powerful, all seeing creature who made that decision, we don't know and we could spend hours wondering what if..." Bruce sighs getting Steve to look over at him.
"I just wish it had been someone else, I know that's selfish and I shouldn't think that but-" Steve sighs shaking his head.
"It's okay, you aren't alone, there's millions of people out there that are thinking the same thing, it's a part of grief" Bruce tells him.
"Thanks Bruce, and I'm sorry for snapping" Steve apologises.
"It's fine, just go say sorry to Nat before shoots too many holes in the wall" Bruce says making Steve chuckle gently.
"I will thank you" Steve promises.
Steve found Nat at the shooting range, he leant against the doorframe watching her. With every bullet she walked closer to the target, when she ran out of bullets she growled in frustration before throwing the actual gun at the target.
"That's not a good battlefield tactic" Steve quips hoping to break the tension.
"You're lucky I love JJ too much to kill you, that and I'm out of bullets" Nat sighs grabbing the gun from the floor before turning to face him.
"I'm sorry, I should have been more supportive, happy the Clint was still alive, not dismissing it" Steve apologises taking a couple steps closer.
Nat doesn't respond just crosses her arms over her chest.
"I was just angry that we're all here and she's not, I couldn't understand it and my anger got the better of me, I've probably broken my record of destroyed punching bags" Steve continues earning a small smirk from Nat.
"You have destroyed a lot" she comments.
"I'm sorry too, you raised valid points, if he is then why isn't he here? I was just desperate for him to still be around, especially since I found out earlier this week my sister didn't make it" Nat admits with a sigh.
"You had a sister?" Steve asks surprised.
"Y/N didn't tell you?" Nat frowns and Steve shakes his head confused.
"Um before I met you in Stoos, I reunited with my family from the red room, we weren't biologically related but when I was a kid we all were a fake family for a mission in Ohio, except it was real to me" Nat explains her voice shaking slightly.
"They all helped me take down the red room finally, I managed to keep in contact with my sister Yelena but I found out she didn't survive the snap, none of them did" Nat sighs shaking her head.
"Nat I'm sorry I had no clue" Steve says shaking his head walking over and hugging her.
"It's okay, you didn't know" Nat sighs.
"And hey, if it helps I've always thought of you as my meddlesome little sister" Steve says making Nat snort.
"And you're like my annoying ass big brother," Nat says making Steve chuckle.
"We good?" Steve asks
"Yeah, we're good" Nat smiles.
****
Steve was standing in the kitchen with the others watching as JJ squealed and babbled with excitement as Nat gave him his breakfast. JJ's happiness and unfiltered joy were the only light within the compound, the only thing that made everyone crack a genuine smile.
Steve blinked and suddenly he could see you also sat at the table. Your hands wrapped around a mug of coffee. Smiling warmly over at JJ before glancing over at Steve.
He tried his hardest not to blink, staring at space where he could see you. Not wanting you to disappear like you always did.
"Hey guys, I've got some news for you" Rhodey sighs grabbing everyone's attention.
Steve blinked a couple times, sighing when he looked back to where you were sat to see an empty chair.
"Good or bad?" Nat asks him.
"Not great" Rhodey sighs shaking his head.
"Is it Tony?" Steve asks turning to face Rhodey.
"No he's good, recovering well," Rhodey says shaking his head.
"You two are getting court-martialed" Rhodey sighs nodding to Steve and Nat.
"Because of the accords?" Nat asks shifting in her seat.
"Yeah, I tried to put it off and stop it, but I couldn't I'm sorry, a lawyer has already been arranged for you" Rhodey explains.
"What are our chances?" Steve asks crossing his arms over his chest.
"I can't say for certain but better than before, I know T'Challa had been campaigning to scrap them, got fairly close from what I heard but Ross had too much sway" Rhodey explains.
"You might be able to get deals like house arrest or permanent retirement or something" Rhodey adds glancing over at JJ.
"Thanks for letting us know, when do we meet the lawyer?" Steve asks with a deep sigh.
"He's swinging by this afternoon" Rhodey sighs pausing by the door before heading out.
"Well, we're fu- screwed" Nat sighed stopping herself from swearing when Steve gave her a look of warning.
"We don't know that," Steve tells her.
"They'll probably be lenient you guys did try and stop Thanos that must count for something" Bruce points out.
"We haven't even been able to hire our own lawyer! They've probably hired some deadbeat who's never won a case" Nat complains.
"Let's just see what happens when they get here, we can always petition for a different lawyer" Steve reasons but Nat scoffs shaking her head.
Later on, Friday informed them the lawyer was pulling into the compound. Leaving JJ with Bruce, Steve and Nat made their way outside. They watched as the black Audi pulled up, a tall bearded, dark brown-haired guy climbing out. He grabbed his briefcase before walking over to the pair of them.
"Andy Barber, I already know who you guys are" he introduces himself shaking Steve's hand.
"Thanks for coming out" Steve thanks him.
"It's nothing, let's work on getting you guys off the hook" Andy smiles gesturing for them to head inside.
Sitting down in a conference room, coincidentally the one where they were given the accords, Andy pulled out a legal pad ready to make notes.
"I'm sure you've got some questions so shall we get those out of the way first?" Andy says leaning forward against the table.
"What are your credentials?" Nat asks leaning back in her chair arms folded over her chest.
"We'll I've worked in prosecuting since I started, moved through the ranks up to the assistant district attorney in Newton Massachusetts" Andy explains, Steve frowning in confusion.
"Prosecution? I thought you were defending us?" Steve questions.
"I am, I swapped to the other side a couple of years back" Andy explains.
"Why?" Nat asks.
"I got experience of being on the receiving end, which made me want to swap sides and help those who are wrongly accused, but my experience in prosecution makes me one of the best defence lawyers you can find," Andy says with a small smirk.
"Well we're gonna need a pretty dammed good one," Steve says with an amused huff.
"I wouldn't be so pessimistic, I've read the case files and the accords and the case against you is pretty weak," Andy tells them shaking his head.
"It is?" Nat asks surprised.
"Well the begin with the accords was a violation of your human rights, it was sugar-coated with a lot of political bullshit but it turned you into weapons, I get what they were trying to do but it was the wrong way to go about it" Andy explains pointing down at the table.
"Also it left the world pretty much undefended, you guys tried your hardest though and that will help your case, plus a lot of countries were already thinking of pulling out, thanks to the king of Wakanda and his negotiating skills" Andy continues.
"But to solidify the case, your testimonies of what happened during the events of the accords and the two years following will really help" he finishes grabbing his pen ready to make notes.
Steve and Nat recount everything they could. Neither of them left out a single detail. Andy made his notes, occasionally asking questions and getting them to elaborate. The only thing Steve held back was your treatment in the raft. Unsure whether it was a good idea or not, it was only him that knew every detail and he didn't know if you'd be okay with a courtroom knowing.
"Well I think I have everything I need for now, I'll be back in a couple of days to go over the testimonies," Andy says packing up his things.
"Great thank you for your help I have to say we weren't expecting someone hired by Ross to be so competent" Steve admits shaking Andy's hand.
"Oh, Secretary Ross was one of the ones who didn't make it" Andy explains.
"That helps our case" Nat smirks.
"And it was Tony Stark who hired me" Andy finishes, Steve and Nat sharing a surprised look.
"Are you sure it wasn't Pepper Potts?" Steve asks.
"No it was definitely Mr Stark, he called me himself," Andy tells them.
"Hm, let me walk you out" Steve offers.
As they walked through the compound Steve thought more and more about whether to tell him about the raft. It would help their case.
"Can I ask you something off the record?" Steve asks once they stepped outside.
"You're not on trial yet Mr Rogers" Andy reminds him.
"Call me Steve please, and um I have something else to tell you about the accords, but it's sensitive," Steve says wringing his hands together.
"You have my confidence Steve, we don't have to tell the courts every detail," Andy tells him.
"Um good, well when the others were in the raft, they wanted information on my whereabouts so they targeted Y/N, my wife, they tortured her, used a shock collar.... Groped her" Steve says shaking his head and moving foot to foot as his emotions simmered.
"I understand, you don't need to explain anymore, I can with your permission use their treatment of her to help with your case, but nobody has to know about the details, I won't say anything about the inappropriate touching" Andy explains putting a hand on Steve's shoulder.
"Thank you," Steve says clearing his throat.
"It's nothing, and my condolences," Andy says a sad look in his eyes.
"Thanks, I know we aren't exactly everyone's favourite people right now so thank you for helping us," Steve says shrugging his shoulders slightly.
"I didn't have anyone left to lose so my life hasn't really changed" Andy admits looking down at the floor.
"I'm sorry" Steve sighs.
"It's okay, life goes on, you find new things to focus on, like work, friends or a kid," Andy says referring to JJ making Steve chuckle gently.
"He is definitely my priority" Steve nods.
"Good, treasure it, they don't stay young forever," Andy says before getting into his car.
A couple of weeks later Steve and Nat were stepping out onto the streets of New York free men. It was a surprisingly easy case thanks to Andy's courtroom skills. They didn't have to retire either, they could remain in active duty if they wanted.
"Congratulations guys, enjoy your freedom, just avoid breaking the law in the future" Andy smiles shaking their hands.
"Thank you Andy" Nat smiles.
"It's nothing, happy to help" Andy nods.
"Ready to head back to the compound?" Nat asks looking up at Steve.
"Um no, I think I might have a walk around the park first, get some air" Steve sighs clearing his throat quietly.
"Sure, I'll see you back at the compound and I'll watch JJ, give Banner a break" Nat nods making Steve chuckle quietly.
"Thanks Nat" Steve says with a small smile before watching her walk back to the car.
"You okay Steve?" Andy asks.
"Yeah... just that was a lot... brought up some stuff..." Steve mutters shaking his head as he looked down at the floor.
Steve hadn't been looking forward to today at all. But the part he hated the most was when your torture was brought up. While the most sensitive parts were left out, hearing it again just reminded Steve how much of a failure he was. He failed to protect you against the guard, failed to protect you against Thanos.
"I understand, it's never easy hearing that sort of stuff no matter how many times you've already heard it," Andy says putting a hand on Steve's shoulders.
"But look if you ever need a completely impartial ear to talk to, here's my number and just give me a call" Andy offers passing Steve his card.
"Thanks Andy," Steve says as he looks down at the business card.
"And I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it does get easier I promise, lean on others around you and don't isolate yourself like I did," Andy tells him.
Steve just nods unable to bring himself to say anything. He knew his voice would fail if he tried.
"I'll see you around," Andy says before heading back to his car.
Steve took a deep breath to calm himself before heading off towards the park. As he walked he kept his head down trying not to draw attention to himself. As he walked the noise in his head grew louder and louder, reminding him how much of a failure he was and will continue to be.
As he turned down on street he saw a street performer standing on the corner. Steve paused for a moment watching as he performed tricks to try and impress the crowd. It was all simple tricks it wasn't real, but it made Steve wonder what he'd do if he had real magic.
He then remembered the wizard Bruce had mentioned, Dr Strange and Wong. He knew that Dr Strange wasn't around anymore but Wong was. Without a second thought Steve hailed a cab and told the driver to take him to Bleecker Street.
As he pulled up outside he looked around at the damage still visible from the fight here. He stood on the doorstep of the sanctum watching as crews worked to repair the damage. One of the workers looked over spotted Steve, a harsh frown forming on his face.
"Hey!" The man shouted.
Steve blinked a couple of times before quickly turning and heading inside the sanctum. As he slams the door shut he hears the man shout "coward!"
"Captain Rogers?" Steve hears someone say behind him.
Looking over his shoulder he sees Wong standing at the top of the large staircase which had a massive hole in it.
"Yes, it's Wong isn't it?" Steve asks taking a couple of steps forward.
"Yes, can I help you?" Wong says walking down the stairs, using magic to bridge the gap.
"Um yeah, at least I hope so" Steve nods rubbing the back of his neck nervously.
"What do you need?" Wong asks his brows furrowing.
"A spell, or whatever it is you guys do, my wife was killed in the snap and I need to-" Steve starts before getting interrupted by Wong holding up his hand.
"I know what you want" Wong sighs lowering his hand.
"Great, so can- can you do it?" Steve asks hopefully.
"No, such a spell if it were to exist would require a trade, a permanent one," Wong says shaking his head.
"So? There's countless of people out there, murderers, criminals that shouldn't be allowed to live instead of her! Take one of them" Steve argues throwing his arm out.
"Captain-" Wong starts but Steve talks over him.
"Take me! I don't deserve to be here! I failed her! Failed everyone! I can't give JJ needs, I'll fail him like I already did when he was younger" Steve continues pulling his arm back, hand gesturing to his chest.
"He needs his mother, not me" Steve states.
Silence falls in the room, Steve biting his lip as he looks down at the floor. His vision was blurry when looked back over at Wong.
"Please" Steve whispered his voice breaking.
"As far as I'm aware no such spell exists" Wong starts making Steve's shoulders drop with disappointment
"but I'll research into it to be sure, why don't you sit down and have some tea while you wait" Wong suggests making a portal to another room open, a pot of tea waiting on the other side.
"Thank you Wong" Steve sighs stepping through the portal.
The portal around him closes once he stepped foot in the room. It was a simple and small room, with only a couple of chairs and a table. What stood out the most was the lack of windows and doors.
Steve wasn't sure how long he'd been waiting when he heard the sound of a portal opening behind him. He turns hopefully but instead of seeing Wong, he sees a very angry and upset Nat.
Before he has a chance to say anything Nat storms over and slaps his hard across the face.
"Don't you dare think about leaving us! Not even for a fucking second" she snaps, her chest heaving as she pointed harshly at his chest.
"I'm trying to bring her back!" Steve argues rubbing his cheek.
"By offering yourself in return! How could you! Did you even think about JJ in all of this!" Nat shouts shaking her head.
"I was only thinking of him! I can't raise him Nat, not on my own! Fuck I spent so much of his first year of life going on missions because I knew I would fail!" Steve snaps turning his back on her and beginning to pace.
"And she reminded you that it wasn't the case at all! God Steve how do you think she'd feel if the spell worked! Do you really want to put her through the pain you're feeling now? You are the only man she's ever loved and you would be willing to take that from her!" Nat argues moving around him and stopping him from pacing.
"Nat-" Steve starts going to argue back.
"No! You think about that, actually think about it and picture what it would be like for her, in excruciating detail because none of this right now is your fault, but if you went through with it that pain she'd be feeling would be your fault" Nat states glaring up at him.
Steve gulps slightly before looking down at the floor as he thought about what Nat said. The last few months had been the hardest he's ever had to go through. They made waking up from the ice seems like a breeze. If it wasn't for JJ he wasn't sure if he would have survived it. Putting you in that position was a thought he couldn't bare thinking about.
"We don't trade lives Steve, even if we desperately wish we could" Nat sighed as Steve sat down, his legs close to giving out.
"I'm sorry I wasn't thinking straight" Steve whispered his voice shaking.
"It's okay, I'm sorry I slapped you" Nat apologises wrapping her arm around his shoulders.
"No it's okay I deserved it, Y/N would have frozen me if she was here" Steve sighs looking up at her.
"Yeah, she would have," Nat says with a half-hearted chuckle.
"Have you thought about talking to someone Steve? A therapist or something, help you work through all this?" Nat asks after a moment.
"No, but I'll be fine, there are people out there who need it more," Steve says shaking his head.
"Well just consider it okay?" Nat tells him.
"Okay," Steve agrees.
****
When Steve woke he felt like there was a massive weight on his chest. The same weight that had been present for a few weeks now. Steve was used to it now. He sighed rolling over, pulling the covers up further wanting to fall back asleep. Groaning when he heard JJ was awake.
He rubbed his eyes tiredly as he sat up, sitting on the edge of the bed, shoulders slumped as he willed himself to face the day. He went about his normal routine, getting himself and JJ ready.
"You looked exhausted Steve" Nat sighs as he sat giving JJ his breakfast.
"I'm fine" Steve mutters shaking his head tiredly.
"You should rest, and have some time to yourself I can watch JJ for however long you need," Nat tells him squeezing his shoulder.
"Thanks Nat anything you might need is in my room just come grab it," Steve says forcing a small smile.
"Go on, off you go, enjoy your free time" Nat smile patting Steve's shoulder as he stood, taking his place.
Once Steve was alone he tried to work out what he wanted to do. His mind drew a blank, nothing seeming appealing other than collapsing in bed. But he felt like he should do something, make good use of his time.
He went to grab his trainers thinking maybe a run would help but he couldn't bring himself to. Instead, he sat down on the bed leaning against the headboard and grabbed his sketchbook. He flipped through to an empty page, tapping his pencil against it waiting for inspiration to strike.
It didn't. He couldn't even bring himself to sketch the chair in the corner.
Setting the sketchbook on the side with a big huff he stood up from the bed. He began to pace the room scratching the back of his neck, stretching out his back as a feeling of restlessness came over him. Yet he had no desire to do anything.
In the end, he started tidying. It wasn't messy by any means but Steve had been putting off putting stuff away, leaving things in organised piles. One of the worst places was the closet so Steve tackled that first.
He was sitting on the floor sorting through some items when he found a brown paper bag hidden under a couple of boxes. Frowning he grabbed it, tipping out the contents, his breath catching when he saw what it was.
"I was making a scrapbook of sorts, filled with stuff from our time together, our first year married" you had told him.
His fingers shake as he opens up the scrapbook, finding a picture of you and Steve from the early days laughing. He sniffles back the tears as he flips through finding photos, ticket stubs and little mementoes.
He breaks down when he reaches the pages filled with photos from your wedding. Everyone looked so happy, and you looked so beautiful. His favourite photo is one from the reception. You were sat sideways across his lap, cupping his cheek as you smiled at him resting your forehead against his.
Steve had to close the book when he felt the heavy sensation on his chest that had become far too familiar. He pushes himself to his feet holding himself steady as he stumbles through the room before sitting down on the bed. He pinches the bridge of his nose as he tried to calm himself but it was no use.
From that day on his nightmares got worse and the dark grey feeling grew larger and larger. He relied on Nat and Bruce more as he had less energy to look after JJ. It had gotten to the point more of JJ's stuff was in Nat's room than his, and Steve knew he should be feeling guilty but he felt nothing.
One night after a particularly bad nightmare Steve found himself walking through the compound corridor. He was intended on getting a glass of water but he spotted Tony's bar.
He took a deep breath before moving behind the bar grabbing the nearest bottle of scotch and sitting down at the bar. He pours himself a healthy measure, throwing it back, the hard liquor burning his throat. He knew it wouldn't help, but the burn did, it made him feel something. So relying on the serum to keep him sober he poured another. And another. And another
He didn't remember falling asleep but he woke up to the sound of JJ squealing with laughter. Lifting his head from the bar he looked around finding Nat standing a short distance away, JJ on her hip, frown on her face.
"Are you drunk?" She states.
"No, I can't get drunk" Steve sighs bitterly pushing the now-empty bottle of scotch away.
"Have you been here all night?" She asks him walking closer.
"Not all night no" Steve mutters shaking his head.
"Dada!" JJ shouts reaching out for Steve.
Steve forces a small smile for his son but makes no movement towards him.
"Go get some water and go lie down Steve, I've got him" Nat sighs shaking her head.
"Thanks, Nat" Steve sighs pushing himself up from the stool.
As he walks out of the room he heard JJ's confused and sad calls for him. He pauses for a moment, almost looking over his shoulder before carrying on out of the room.
Each night after he had nightmares Steve would find himself back at the bar. The alcohol did nothing the numb the pain he felt but he felt comfortable in it. However, after a nightmare where he repeatedly watched you disappear in his hands, regular alcohol no longer seemed to work.
As he scoured the bar for something stronger, he found a small flask hidden behind multiple bottles. He pulls it out and flips the cap and takes a sniff, quickly realising it was Asgardian liquor. He grabs his tumbler pouring put a measure of whiskey before adding a couple of drops of the liquor. As he takes a large gulp the liquid burns more and he feels the buzz almost instantly.
To begin with, Steve takes it steady, remembering the warnings you and Thor always gave. He also didn't want to run out too quickly. But as time passed and he experienced more and more nightmares, the more he added. Until he was drinking it straight, passing out on one of the couches.
He woke the next morning to the world's worst headache which was made worse by Nat shaking him awake.
"Go away Romanoff" Steve grumbles shielding his eyes.
"Jesus Steve you stink! How much did you drink last night" Nat grimaces, screwing up her nose.
"Not much" Steve lies as his head begins to spin.
"Steve this isn't good" Nat sighs shaking her head at him.
"I'm fine" Steve groans as he sits up, his head spinning.
Nat said something to him but he didn't hear her as his stomach flipped and he found the nearest bin to throw up in. Nat curses as she watches him wretch, before spotting the flask on the floor.
"Fuck Steve how much of this did you drink?" She asks holding up the flask.
"I don't know" Steve admits with a sigh as he slumps down beside the trashcan.
"It's empty Steve" Nat sighs as she walks over crouching down in front of him.
"Fuck" Steve mutters under his breath running his hand through his hair.
"Steve you have to stop this, this isn't healthy, you're not sleeping, you've barely seen JJ in weeks," Nat tells him putting her hand on his knee.
"I know, I'm sorry" Steve sighs sadly.
"I know it's hard, but drinking it away won't help, get some rest and tomorrow we'll start afresh, and spend some time with JJ because that kid is pure sunshine," Nat says making Steve chuckle weakly.
"He really is" he agrees with a sigh.
"And then you should find some help, a therapist or something to help you through this," Nat tells him but Steve shakes his head.
"No, no therapist, I'll do everything else but not that" Steve states.
"Steve-" Nat says going to argue.
"No, there are millions of people that need that help more than I do, everyone lost someone because we didn't stop Thanos, the least I can do is let them get the help they need first," Steve tells her.
"Steve please" Nat sighs.
"No Nat, my mind's made up" Steve sighs standing up and walking out before Nat could say anything else.
Ever since the morning Nat found Steve passed out and hungover on the couch, he made a conscious choice to focus on JJ. Nat was right he was a literally ray of sunshine in Steve's life, the only thing keeping Steve from fully breaking down. So much so that he didn't let his mind stray from JJ.
Steve had just gotten JJ ready for the day and was lying on the bed watching as JJ played with his teddy. JJ proudly held it out to Steve showing it off, giggling when Steve smiled in response. When Steve heard a knock on the door he called out telling whoever it was to come in.
"Hey, how are you?" Nat asks walking on and perching on the side of the bed beside JJ.
"Fine" Steve shrugs glancing up at her.
"I was thinking that since it's a nice day and it's not too cold yet, why don't we head over to central park, maybe get someone an ice cream" Nat suggest tickling JJ's stomach and making him squeal and laugh.
"Hmm sounds good, do you want ice cream?" Steve asks looking over at JJ.
"Ya!" JJ exclaims nodding his head excitedly.
"Seems like the decision has been made, give us a few minutes and we'll be ready," Steve tells Nat pushing himself up.
"Great I'll meet you guys by the car" Nat smiles standing up.
JJ continued to play on the bed as Steve packed up everything he thought he needed. It took him much longer than he expected it to. His brain just seemed to be full of fog, at one point he was stood still staring at the floor. Only getting pulled from his stupor when JJ shouted.
"Dada!" JJ screams, Steve's gaze instantly snapping to his son, spotting that his teddy was on the floor out of JJ's reach.
Steve sighed running his hand down his face, fingers scratching at the ragged stubble over his cheeks.
"You scared me then JJ" Steve sighed walking over to pick up the teddy.
"Ory" JJ says, making Steve chuckle half-heartedly as he passes JJ back his teddy.
"It's okay bean, c'mon Auntie Nat is probably waiting" Steve sighed picking JJ up.
He resigns to himself that he must have packed everything important. Grabbing the bag and heading out to meet Nat.
"You two ready to go?" Nat asks once they reached the car.
"Yeah, sorry we took a while," Steve says holding back a yawn.
"It's fine why don't you get him strapped in," Nat says nodding to JJ "and I'll drive us?"
"Sure, thanks Nat" Steve nods moving to put JJ down in his car seat.
As they drove away from the compound Steve stared out the window. Watching as the world went past, everything seemingly muted. He knew he should be laughing and smiling as JJ babbled along to the music but he couldn't bring himself to. Continuing to stare out the window, stuck in his head even though there were no thoughts to think about.
He was paying so little attention to his surroundings that he hadn't noticed Nat going in the wrong direction until the car came to a stop. He frowned as he glanced around trying to work out where they were.
"This isn't the park," Steve says looking over at Nat.
"I know I forgot to say I needed to run an errand on the way, come on I've got JJ," Nat says climbing out of the car.
Steve sighed scratching his forehead before climbing out of the car. He stuffed his hands into his jean pockets, eyes on the floor as he followed Nat inside a building.
"Hi there, I've got a session booked for Steve Rogers," Nat says once she reached the front desk.
Steve frowned looking up from the floor at Nat completely confused.
"Romanoff, what's going on?" Steve asks frowning when Nat ignored him.
"Yes, of course, I'll let Dr Raynor know you're here," the receptionist says picking up the phone.
Steve starts glancing around taking note of his surroundings for the first time. Everything had a calming nature to it all, with lots of plants and pictures of nature scenes. His eyes then landed on a display full of portraits, he spots the one above the name Dr Raynor seeing the word therapist next to it.
"Romanoff I said no to this" Steve states in annoyance.
"I know but as JJ's godmother, it is in his best interest that you talk to someone who can actually help you" Nat fires back, turning to face him.
"I don't need help, plus you promised to take him out for ice cream" Steve points out getting agitated.
"And I will, while you're in your session me and JJ will go to the local park and once you're done we can all go for ice cream as a reward" Nat explains.
"I'm not a child that needs a reward for doing something" Steve scoffs shaking his head, hands moving to rest on his hips.
"Good, glad I don't need to bribe you" Nat states.
"Mr Rogers," someone says behind him.
Turning around he spots a brown-haired woman who looked to be in her 50s. She raised an eyebrow when Steve huffed in annoyance.
"Pleasure to meet you, I'm Dr Raynor," she says holding her hand out.
"I'm not doing this" Steve states looking back at Nat.
"Yes you are, it's one session" Nat retorts.
"I don't care I'm not doing it!" Steve fires back, fury in his voice.
JJ then whimpers in Nat's arms, a sad and scared expression on his face as he cowered away from Steve. Steve's shoulders dropped feeling despondent as his son sought comfort from Nat instead of him.
"Do it for Y/N" Nat says gently as she soothed JJ.
Steve sighs before nodding slightly "okay, just this one session that's it no more" Steve resigns.
"Fine, it's better than nothing" Nat agrees nodding her head.
Steve nods "I'll be back soon, have fun at the park I'm so sorry for scaring you," Steve tells JJ gently, apologising for his outburst.
He sighs in relief when JJ sniffled back his tears, giving Steve a small smile when he ruffled his blond hair.
Turning around he faces Dr Raynor holding out his hand, finally shaking hers "it's nice to meet you too" he says even if it wasn't strictly true.
Dr Raynor raised a brow as if she knew Steve was lying "right this way" she says gesturing for Steve to follow her.
Steve sighs glancing one more over his shoulder at Nat. He watched as she got JJ to wave goodbye. A small smile grows on Steve's face as he waves back before following Dr Raynor down the corridor.
"Make yourself comfortable," Dr Raynor says as they walk into her offers, gesturing at the couch "do you want a glass of water"
"No I'm fine," Steve says as he sits down, glancing out the window.
Dr Raynor nods as she sits down opposite him, grabbing her notebook and writing down something.
"How have you been sleeping?" Dr Raynor as she looks up from her notebook.
"Fine" Steve states, deciding to give as little as possible so he could leave.
"Any nightmares?" She presses.
Steve remains silent, turning his head away to look out of the window. He knew he wouldn't get away with lying, and if he told the truth there was no way they'd let him leave. He heard Dr Raynor sigh before the sound of her pen against paper. Steve instantly scowls as he looks back over at her watching as she made notes.
"Stop that" Steve states.
Dr Raynor glances up at Steve from her notebook before looking back down. Returning to her note-taking.
"I said stop that!" Steve snaps, Dr Raynor sighing as she closed the book resting her hands over the top of it.
"Stop what?" she asks her calm, unbothered gaze meeting his.
"making notes, there's nothing to make notes on, I'm fine I don't need your help" Steve rants gesturing to her book.
"Why do you think that?" she asks tilting her head "why do you think you don't need help?"
"because I don't, and even if I did there are a million other people out there that need your help more than me, and it's my fault so they should go first!" he exclaims before letting out a deep sigh and looking down at his lap, fingers fiddling "it's only fair"
"Can I be honest with you?" Dr Raynor asks getting Steve to glance up at her, shrugging his shoulders in answer.
"You were born at the end of the great war, a war no one ever thought we'd see the likes of again. Your father died when you were a baby, and you grew up in the great depression with barely anything with your mother. You were constantly sick due to a vast number of illnesses and diseases, your mother nursing you back to health while also working, eventually becoming ill herself and dying when you were 18 leaving you all alone" Dr Raynor starts, Steve goes to interrupt but she holds up her hand to stop her.
"war then broke out, you risking everything to be enlisted and finally being given the chance with the super soldier program. You were paraded around like a circus monkey while men laid down their lives, and when you finally got the chance to go to the front lines you watch countless people die, one of them being your best friend, you found the first love of your life only to have to sacrifice yourself and wake up in this new world" she continues.
"you then only had a couple of months before you were thrown back into active duty against aliens, putting your life on the line to save the planet. From that day forward the world continued to get pulled out from under your feet, SHIELD being Hydra, your best friend being alive, and the accords. However you still managed to find some light in your wife, and your son" she says, Steve's fists clenching at the mention of you and JJ.
"but then Thanos arrived and snapped away half the universe, people lost friends, family and loved ones something you feel you failed to stop, especially since it also took your wife" she sighs "and that is only the stuff I know from the internet, so I'm sure there's a lot more, so honestly out of everyone else on this planet... no one needs therapy more than you" she finishes.
Silence falls in the room as Dr Raynor's words sink in. Steve wanted to argue, say every this wrong and false but he couldn't. He had gone through everything she'd said, and she barely scratched the surface. Seeing it laid out in front of him in black and white left no room for debate anymore.
He let out a deep sigh before looking out of the window at the trees outside "will all our sessions be as brutal as this?" he finally asks looking back over at her.
A small grin appears on her lips as she puts her notebook back down to the side "no, so shall we continue?" she asks gently, Steve nodding his head.
An hour later Steve was stepping out of Dr Raynor's office feeling emotionally raw but at the same time freer. The weight on his shoulders wasn't completely gone but it was getting lighter. Dr Raynor was able to explain his feelings and why he felt the way he did, she let him get everything off his chest.
As he stepped outside he shoved his hands in his pockets taking a deep breath. Closing his eyes as he tilted his head back, looking up at the sky.
JJ's excited squeals pull Steve from his thoughts "Dada!"
Looking over in his direction Steve smiled when he saw Nat walking over, JJ in her arms. A warm smile spread over Steve's face as he watched JJ bounce in Nat's arms, reaching out and grabbing for Steve. Steve quickly walked over taking JJ from Nat's arms lifting him high above his head laughing at JJ's squeals and giggles. He then hugged him tightly running his hands over JJ's head, kissing it as he rocked JJ back and forth.
"you okay?" Nat asks after a moment.
"yeah, I'm good" Steve smiles looking over at her "thank you for forcing me here, it really helped"
Nat chuckles nodding her head "good, I'm glad now I think I promised the both of you ice cream" Nat smirks making Steve chuckle.
"you ready for ice cream?" Steve asks JJ, tickling his stomach and making him squeal with laughter, nodding his head.
"c'mon then" Steve smiles heading off with Nat and JJ towards the nearest ice cream shop.
It had been 7 months since Thanos visited earth and wiped out half the universe and Steve felt... okay. He'd been attending therapy twice a week for the last 2 months, building a healthy routine around him and JJ. He'd gotten back into running again, the exercise opening up his chest and allowing him to breathe.
He still had days where he was overcome with grief, days he'd wake up and reach out to find you gone. But with techniques that Dr Raynor gave him, he was able to have those moments and days and not let them get in the way of raising his son and living his life like you'd want him to.
Even as the festive period drew closer Steve was able to find joy every day of his life. He laughed sitting at the table while he helped JJ make festive decorations. Making sure the paint JJ was using wasn't flying everywhere.
"Knock, knock" Steve heard someone say behind him, frowning when he recognised the voice.
Turning around his suspicions were confirmed when he saw Tony leaning against the door frame. Steve's jaw dropped slightly, he expected to never see Tony again, let alone Tony actively coming to him. He looked better, the skinny sickly version that Steve last saw was long gone.
"Tony, how- how are you?" Steve asks stuttering in surprise.
"Good wanted to see it with my own eyes" Tony sighs nodding over at JJ.
"oh yeah right, this is JJ" Steve introduces before getting JJ's attention "JJ this is Tony"
JJ gives Tony a giggle and a wave, making a small smile appear on Tony's face.
"I was wondering if we could talk?" Tony asks after a moment.
"um yeah sure, just give me a moment to tidy up" Steve agrees nodding his head.
Steve quickly packs up JJ's art supplies making sure to leave his multi-coloured swirls to dry. He then grabbed JJ quickly cleaning up the paint JJ managed to get on him with some baby wipes. As he worked his mind ran trying to work out what Tony was here to say, what if it was bad news? He then lifts JJ out of his chair and leads Tony through to the common room.
"Sorry Nat and Bruce are out today so he's gonna have to listen in," Steve says as he puts JJ down on his play mat.
"It's fine, it's nothing serious anyway" Tony sighs as he sits down on the couch, Steve nods as he also sits down.
Silence falls in the room, the only noise being JJ playing and giggling. Steve wasn't sure what to say, so much had gone on between the two of them and that was before Thanos.
"I know Pep already told you, but um we're expecting our first kid in a couple of months, Pep's doing great, especially considering the scare I gave her at the beginning" Tony starts wringing his hands together "we weren't going to find out the gender but caved and found out a couple of weeks ago, we're having a little girl"
A small but sincere smile grows on Steve's face at the idea of Tony having a daughter "congratulations Tony, I really mean it" Steve nods.
"Thanks, and well it got me thinking really, well actually more panicking than anything else, scared wondering how on earth I was going to raise this little girl, but Pepper gave me a pep talk, reminded me that we have each other but it made me realise that you don't have anyone, doing this all on your own," Tony says glancing over at JJ, Steve sighs bowing his head sadly.
"and I'm really sorry, out of everyone I think you got given the worst hand and if I can make that easier for you then I will, because despite everything that happened I still care for your righteous ass" Tony continues making Steve let out a small huff of a laugh.
"language," he says making Tony chuckle quietly.
"Right sorry, little ears" Tony smirks nodding over to JJ "but look I know everything won't be sunshine and rainbows between us but I want us to be able to help each other, you giving me advice on how to be a dad, me and pep looking after JJ to give you a break, anything"
Steve smiles nodding his head "yeah that sounds good, maybe the two kids can have a less rocky friendship than us" he says making Tony laugh.
"we can only hope" Tony smiles as he stands up "can I?" he asks pointing to JJ.
"yeah of course" Steve nods watching as Tony gently picked JJ up, moving back and sitting down on the couch.
JJ laughed and giggled as Tony pulled funny faces, tickling his stomach. His infectious laugh spread to Steve and Tony.
"um I wanted to thank you for hiring that lawyer for me and Nat, you really saved our skin," Steve says after a moment.
"it was nothing, you were right about the accords, the right idea but the wrong way to go about it, and I wanted to try and put it right" Tony admits shrugging his shoulders "he wasn't supposed to tell you though" he muttered making Steve chuckle.
"Andy was nice, very understanding of my situation said I could call him if I needed to talk," Steve tells him.
"I'm glad, after everything you deserve to be happy," Tony says with a small smile.
"you too" Steve smiles.
Steve then glanced to the side when something in the corner of his vision caught his eye. His breath caught when he saw you leaning against the wall a warm smile on your face as you watched Tony and JJ. Your gaze then moved to him and your smile grew, looking over at him proudly. Steve took a deep breath steadying himself because, for the first time, he didn't feel guilty or sad, he was happy to see you.