The kiss happened because Karl thought that he lost me, that I was leaving. I was pretty mad. Karl looked and felt completely devastated when he saw how angry I was. He was also really disappointed that the kiss didn't make me 'remember' things that happened between us. That's another thing--I can feel what he feels sometimes, and so can Rosemary. I guess empathy isn't a bad quality, but still...
According to Karl and Eva, I guess I was together with Heisenberg in the mold consciousness before being 'reborn.' They have been keeping this from me and are both hoping that I remember. I don't have any memories. But sometimes I do see these flashes of Heisenberg, with me.
I believe what they say, but why can't I remember? I told Heisenberg that I wanted to, and that is true. I don't even really know how I feel about him right now but it's even worse thinking about it, if I have lost memories. I know that he has changed a lot. And I know that I care about him which is terrifying.
I promised Karl that I would stay with him and work on my trust issues. After
what Mia and Chris both did to me I feel like I can't trust anyone ever again, but I know I have to try. Karl and Eva are on mine and Rose's side, I can just feel it. Heisenberg knows keeping this from me led to more trust issues...Now that this is all in the open I feel so much better.
I also told Heisenberg that I need time, and he seemed relieved. He said he never intended to make any move until I remembered things, because it wasn't fair to me and didn't feel right. That also makes me feel better.
I wish I had a clue about how to remember things from the Mold.
I couldn't believe that Karl agreed with me about waiting, he seems so full of energy and I can tell he's holding back. I know that if I would have kept going we wouldn't have stopped with a kiss. But I was thinking of how Mia used to always make me feel terrible for having questions, and then things would turn physical to "cheer me up"....I don't think I'm comfortable doing anything yet until I have my memories back.
I was so shocked that he agreed with what I said that I asked for another favor, I asked if he would let Maricara and her family move in for the spring. He can afford to pay them well and there are a million things that need done if we're going to live here and work on fighting Miranda. I'm worried about Rose in this big old house. More importantly, I think it will be nice to have others around, who know about what we are. Friends.
I really pushed my luck then and asked Karl for a telephone line in my room but he just laughed at me and said yes. He really is the total opposite of the wife I've spent so many years of my adult life learning how to please...anyway, I don't even have anybody to call with the phone line, but I liked asking him favors and hearing him say yes. Maybe I can call Zoe....?
(((author's note--replaying village and ethan's hammy ass journals are the best part. hope you're enjoying, please stay tuned. big things coming for these bois. thank you everyone who has read this far or given any feedback/votes. means the world to me.)))