JUNGKOOK POV
Jin left hobi alone and turned
his curious gaze onto me.
When Jin fixed his eyes on you, you knew you were in trouble.
He had a way of teasing the
truth out of you no matter what.
Jin focused on me, folding his hands in front of him, giving his best impression of a detective, which made Jimin snort.
"So, Mr Jeon Kookie." Jin
began, making the rest of the guys laugh and me moan,
"What's going on with you? Hear anything from He-Who-Shall-
Not-Be-Named recently?"
I really didn't want-to talk
about this.
It was on the tip of my tongue to snap at Jin but that would kill everyone else's good mood.
They'd get it out of me eventually but despite the fact that they were my friends, I
still hated them seeing what a mess I was, what I allowed myself to be put through.
"Nothing much to tell."
I shrugged it off, hoping the conversation would turn to someone else.
I tightened my hand around
the glass of beer I hadn't even sipped yet.
"Hey, this is a good brew,
right? It's a double—"
"Nothing? You sure?" Jin
asked, the teasing glint in his eyes softening to concern.
Hobi and Jimin leaned forward.
We all knew each other too
well to get away with even
the smallest white lie.
"Why don't you leave the detecting to the real law enforcement, hmm?" Jimin rumbled at Jin.
Jin sat back, happy to relinquish control as long as the truth got out and as a good friend and wingman, I knew he was always happy to give me a little nudge toward Jimin when he could.
Jin was one of the few privy to my secret. The one I often tried to hide, even from myself.
I shifted to smile at Jimin.
"Seriously, it's nothing."
"What's nothing?" Jimin asked.
He gave me a little nudge
with his shoulder.
"San called again today."
At the rise of protest around
the table, I was quick to add.
"But I blocked his number this time, so I won't be hearing
from him again!"
"Over the phone." Jimin muttered forebodingly.
He narrowed his eyes on his own beer as if it had insulted him.
I was sure I wasn't supposed to hear him but I did.
"Jungkookie." Jimin continued, shifting his attention to me.
He pursed his plush lips into a flat line for a second, as if he
was gathering his thoughts.
"This could become serious."
"File a police report."
"Say you don't and this guy is still harassing you next month, you'll have lost time because
the station can only do so
much without an established paper trail."
"The sheriff's office can't move on something not reported."
"No." I was firm.
"No police, No paperwork, No need to drag this out, Let it go."
"It's just a few annoying phone calls, someone having a bit
of trouble letting go."
"Speaking of having trouble letting go." I turned back to Jin.
"how's that ex of yours?"
"You're not getting away that easily." Jin said, evading his
own question cleanly, which I took note of.
"Seriously, San was an
absolute dick."
"If no one else is going to say
it, I will. San was awful."
"He didn't even treat you like
a full person and do you guys remember that time at
sandwich shop, when the poor guy behind the counter forgot
his tomatoes?"
"I work in the food industry
and let me tell you, I would
have blacklisted him from my bakery forever if he'd yelled at one of my employees like that."
Everyone groaned, enjoying and despising the shared memory together but I slid down in the comfy leather booth seat just a little bit, as if on my way to
hide under the table.
I felt myself shrink.
If the men I dated were a reflection of myself, the mirror was definitely cracked and it
was what my friends saw every time I introduced them to a
new alpha douche-canoe.
My face burned and I
wanted to hide.
"Abso-fucking-lutely." Hobi agreed loudly.
"God, I hated how he walked
into a room, as if everyone
was supposed to notice him."
"Like we gave a flying pig's a—"
Hobi stopped talkingas he
caught a glimpse of my face
but Jimin, sitting next to me, hadn't noticed.
"I'm not kidding anymore, you need to pick your fuck buddies more wisely or I'm going to
start picking for you!"
At any other time, those words would have filled me with joy.
If only Jimin would choose to
put himself in my bed.
That would definitely improve
the caliber of man between my sheets but no, Jimin wasn't on the table... er... the bed.
Whatever.
I met his warm hazel eyes and
I felt like I'd turned into King Midas, killed by the very thing he loved, smothered in the embrace of what he'd always longed for.
"I don't know why you insist
on getting with guys who are
going to treat you this badly."
Jimin yammered on, in fact, it seemed like he was just
getting started.
"I'm worried about you."
"Why do you do this to
yourself?"
"Why do you pick the very men who are going to hurt you the most, who are going to treat
you like shit?"
Jimin wasn't being deliberately cruel but having it all laid out
in front of me through his eyes.
Eyes that I knew cared for me,
if only just as a friend, I saw myself as I was: a complete mess, incapable of real love so desperate I sell myself cheap.
Hell, maybe at this point I was cheap.
I didn't want Jimin to
think that way about me.
I felt my defenses kick in about time too and I hardened my stare as I continued to look at Jimin, making sure he knew I was good and pissed off.
"You know what, Jimin?" I said.
"I'll listen to your love advice
the minute you have an actual relationship that lasts longer than a snowflake on a hot wind shield."
Gasps and chuckles from hobi and Jin didn't distract me from my growing anger, even if I
felt like maybe I was directing
it at the wrong person.
Jimin met my gaze, not backing off in the least.
"I would kookie, if any of my dates stayed around once
they met you."
"They're all so jealous of you, they don't bother giving me
a chance at a relationship."
I thought for a second he was serious and I began to wonder what he could mean by that but then I saw the amusement
in his eyes and actually registered the laughter of hobi and Jin across the table, who
I'd been bravely ignoring for a brief moment.
"Ha ha, very funny." I said, rolling my eyes.
Well, to hell with this.
I stood and made my way
over to the bar.
If tonight wasn't the night to get shitfaced, when was there one?
The alpha bartender who sauntered toward me was wide-shouldered with a blazing white smile and thick glossy black curls.
I tossed ten bucks down
between us on the bar.
"What'll it be?" Hell, his voice
is smooth, too.
"Cheapest booze you got."
He laughed and winked at me, then poured me a double of something from a dangerous-looking clear plastic bottle that
I thought might be vodka.
And that's when I downed my first shot.
It was, as always, Jimin who volunteered to drive me home.
It was Jimin who stayed at my side the entire way from the entrance of the bar to his truck.
It was Jimin who lifted, shifted and poured my unhelpful body into the seat and buckled my seatbelt when it became too difficult with my suddenly large fingers.
I couldn't help a wide, drunken smile that slid across my face
as we drove to my house.
The entire vehicle smelled of Jimin's rich alpha scent, that woodsy aroma of crackling
wood and autumn leaves that somehow followed him despite his over-long hours in the sheriff's department as a detective. I loved these times.
I loved Jin and hobi but these moments were the ones I cherished, when it was just
Jimin and me, when I could hear our breaths mingle together in the slightly cold interior of his vehicle.
When the bond of our friendship felt so strong that I could
almost touch it.
I cherished Jimin and even though I knew I was drifting toward being a sad drunk, I reaffirmed myself that I would never do anything to ruin this.
It took me a moment to realize we were in front of my house, parked for a good bit already.
It took me longer to realize
that Jimin was looking at me, trying to get my attention.
When I focused on him, he
took a breath and began.
"I'm really sorry for tonight, I'm sorry for overreacting about san."
"I'm sorry for what I said about him, I was harsh and sticking
my nose where it didn't belong."
"I just hate it so much, seeing you mistreated, seeing people treat you like you're not worth anything."
His eyes met mine for the first time since our argument earlier.
"I hate seeing you eat all their crap even more."
"Chim, it's not your fault."
"It's mine." I wasn't mad anymore, I just wanted to wipe that squinty look from his face.
"Jimin, it's my fault for
always choosing bad guys."
"It's my fault for accepting
their behavior."
I shivered, in spite of the fact that the heater was turned up.
Jimin looked down at his hands.
I could tell he had more to say.
"What is it?" Now that we were here, just us alone in the car,
I felt like I could have this conversation for the first time without wanting to throw myself off the nearest bridge or maybe that was the alcohol burning through my bloodstream.
"I just wonder." Jimin started,
his voice quieter now, all the fight gone, almost like a plea.
"why do you keep picking
them, then? Why not pick someone better?"
It was like Jimin was trying to say more but I couldn't figure
it out at that moment.
My head pulsed and was seven times its normal size from the booze.
Nothing much mattered at that moment, which is why, it must have been why, I said what I
said next.
"Because, Jimin."
my wandering mouth blurted without my permission.
"I don't deserve the alpha
I want."