Duskypelt stared back for a few seconds more. Then he shrugged and threw himself at the thornbush. I caught him and dumped him back on the ground.
"Stop it," I told him. "One day, you'll find love. Or you'll mean something. Would you seriously kill yourself now?"
"Do you know what went unannounced at the gathering?" Duskypelt whispered hoarsely.
I shook my head. If it was unannounced, obviously I wouldn't know.
"Deaths," Duskypelt whispered. "Deaths from the rogue raids. We've already lost Firespring, Shadowheart, Spidertail, Sunnyheart, Mistfur, Iceflight and Darkwind."
Firespring and Shadowheart, his parents. Spidertail ... Sunbright would be devastated. They'd lost almost all their kits at one point, but now Littlecloud was back, but Minnowpelt was still gone. Sunnyheart and Mistfur, Duskypelt's sisters. Poor him. No wonder life wasn't appealing anymore. Iceflight ... the rogues had killed a medicine cat? Iceflight ... Iceland. She was the one who had trained Songbird – Singapore. She was one of those CountryClan cats. Had she come here, only to get a weird name and die?
Duskypelt motioned for me to go. "I need to be alone now," he murmured. "And ... maybe you weren't the cat for me, even if I loved you for a long time."
"I don't think I was, either," I whispered back. "I never loved you. I'm so sorry, but I really, really never loved you."
"Okay..." whispered Duskypelt sadly.
I left him there. I went to fight some more, because I wasn't in the mood to stop there. I was a fighter.
Leafshine challenged me. Apparently, queens were practicing to fight too, even though Leafshine was still nursing. Her three kits – what were their names again I think it was Stormkit, Barbkit and Shardkit – they watched at the side, if only with their squirrel-brained pathetic warrior father.
Leafshine eyed me. "Shall we begin?" she asked testily.
"We may begin," I said with a grim smile, "whenever you feel ready."
A determined line set on Leafshine's jaw. "Well, obviously," she said, "that's now."
To be truthful, she did make the first move. But to be even more truthful, I was faster. I dodged her like a bullet and snaked my way behind her, smacking her hard in the back. Leafshine gasped, winded even from that, and I flung her backwards into the same pile of moss. Skystrike, who had just returned with new moss, rolled her eyes and brought her moss pile away from the fighting area. I honestly couldn't blame her. Anyway, she was doing moss with her sister, Fluffypaw. I'd never get tired of calling former Fluffytail Fluffypaw again.
I edged around Leafshine's fallen form. She wasn't moving, but that was a trick. So, I had to trick her more. I pretended to relax, and Leafshine sprung. Obviously, I was ready for her and caught her paw. I swung her around and threw her into the moss again. Leafshine rolled over, groaning, but she was in no shape to fight me again.
"Do you forfeit?" I asked her crisply, like a fair opponent.
Leafshine nodded weakly.
Cloudysky took their kits back to the nursery first, and Leafshine leaned over to me. "Do you still love him?" she asked me quietly, her voice pained. "He still loves you." She looked over to where her mate was quietly watching with their kits. "He never, ever forgot you. Your death broke him. Is that all? Now you come back? Is he yours again?"
"I don't know," I confessed truthfully. "But I can tell you one thing, Leafshine. I never loved him. He might have loved me, but I never loved him. If he loves you, I'm also with Hiveclaw. We've both moved on."
"That gathering," she said. "You were so bothered by everyone knowing who you are. And you haven't spoken to Appledawn since."
"I ..." I shook my head. I didn't understand my silence from Appledawn, really couldn't comprehend it. "It's not that. She's been avoiding me." That was true. Appledawn had been hanging around Browntail a lot more. I mean, he was her mate, so that wasn't wrong, but she was hanging around him a lot more than she used to, and Great StarClan – sometimes I saw her with tear tracks on her face.
"Talk to her," Leafshine encouraged. "You don't even know why she's doing that, do you? Well, she's Cloudysky's sister and I treat her like my sister. But she's shut me out too. You should talk to her."
"Why would I talk to her if I'm the source of the trouble?" I asked flatly.
"She's guilty," meowed Leafshine. "She asked you if you were Stormdawn, and that started the whole thing."
"She's guilty, so what? Apologize. You know what, even if she didn't apologize, I've already forgiven her. Life moves on. Is she clinging on?" I demanded, annoyance building inside of me. I wasn't this hot-tempered as Stormdawn, was I? Actually, was I? I think I was. Deep down, this – Silverdusk – she was still me. I'm her.
"Talk to her," whispered Leafshine, and then she withdrew back to Cloudysky.
I looked over my shoulder. Appledawn was sitting, looking downcast and staring at the ground, Browntail's tail on her shoulder. She was crying. Again. Seriously. This was the Appledawn that had once been a renowned fighter in the Clan? Reduced to this crying mess after she'd had her kits? That seemed wrong. So, so wrong.
"Appledawn," I called.
The tears stopped flowing and the stare she faced me with was full of hope.
"Do you want to go hunting?" I asked.
"J-just you and m-m-me?" she stammered hoarsely.
I shrugged. "Who else would come anyway? If it's me in the question?"
Her face crumpled with worry. "Silverdusk, you mustn't speak like that! Cats don't hate you because you're Stormdawn!"
"They don't love me either," I responded flatly. "And I was the once-loved deputy, wasn't I? But now? Tossed aside like a ragdoll. Doesn't really make sense, does it? They're avoiding me. But I didn't think you would too."
Appledawn started, and Browntail moved between us. "Don't say that to her," he snarled angrily, advancing on me. "Appledawn brought you up as her own, and this is how you treat her?"
"By asking simple questions?" I demanded. "I don't answer to you, Browntail. You didn't really bring me up. She did, and if she's angry at me, I'll accept it. But I won't accept this kind of fox-dung from you."
Appledawn got to her feet. "Don't say that to him," she whispered. "He means well."
"He does, doesn't he?" I asked. "O wonderful Browntail? You know what, never mind. I'm sure Twilightgleam wouldn't turn down a hunt." I whipped around and walked off.
Really. Instead of trying to cool Browntail off, Appledawn takes his side? I mean, I lashed out. But not really. Browntail lashed out more, protectively of Appledawn, of course, but since when did Appledawn want to be protected? What had happened to that firesome warrior inside of her? The Appledawn I had liked as Stormdawn, come to love as Silverdusk? I had to ask Goldenwind. She was Appledawn's best friend – was. I hadn't seen them together in a long time.
Fluffypaw was collecting moss, so Goldenwind should be free. I approached her.
"Silverdusk. Or would you rather I called you Stormdawn?" she asked. It was obviously supposed to be light teasing, but I didn't like this kind of snark.
"Silverdusk does fine," I said. "What's going on with Appledawn, by the way?"
"You really are accepting her as your mother?" asked Goldenwind softly. "Your mother is there, Silverdusk. She's right there, and she thought in your second lifetime you'd give her a chance."
"She trained Duckstep," I meowed, "and Icestar almost gave me permanently to him as his apprentice. Duckstep is stupid."
"This isn't about Duckstep, Silverdusk," Goldenwind meowed gently. "This part – it's about Peacewind."
"She understands my life choices," I told Goldenwind.
The golden-furred deputy gave a long sigh. "Very well. There's nothing wrong with Appledawn as far as I can tell. But she is depressed. She ... she feels she has wronged you, and is not sure how to make up. She is also very close to breaking up with Browntail. He wants more kits and she wants to be a warrior again. Don't get me wrong. Appledawn loves Dawnmist, Chiveleaf and Twilightgleam. But she doesn't want to be in the nursery for another long seven moons."
I nodded understandingly. That had been me, trapped as a kit. Only, I knew I couldn't do anything. Appledawn could be the warrior she wanted to be. I couldn't have been anyway.
Goldenwind dismissed me after that for her duties. I felt envious. Those duties of hers used to be mine, and she'd stolen – wait, no – taken them. It isn't her fault, I reminded myself. Icestar chose the post for her. Of deputy. She didn't reject, but why would she?
I went back to the river camp. That day, only myself, Windbreeze and Emberblaze had come from the river cats, and they were both keen to get back to Mothtail and Blazespark. I wanted to get back to Hiveclaw.
"You're fast!" Windbreeze commented shyly.
Emberblaze looked at his son. "Flirting, Windbreeze? She's mated."
Windbreeze looked even shier now, but I didn't say anything. He ... shouldn't have feelings for me. No, that would make a fifth cat. Although the other three had already dumped me, save Hiveclaw.
Cloudysky and Leafshine, Zealheart and Glitterspark. As well as ... Duskypelt and Plumwhisker. But they weren't together anymore.
"I ... uh..." Windbreeze started awkwardly. "Sorry," he finished in a mumble.
I smiled kindly at him. "It's fine," I murmured. "I know what it's like to love someone who's already with someone else." My feelings for Zealheart obviously hadn't evaporated. Every time I came to SeasonClan camp and saw him with Glitterspark, smiling happily – Glitterspark, my sister – I was so, so ... overwhelmed. With sadness. I was with Hiveclaw, but I had wanted to be with Zealheart. For some time, at least.
Instead of any form of comforting, Emberblaze just rolled his eyes at Windbreeze. Some father that cat was. What did Twilightgleam see in him anyway? I couldn't place her feelings for Emberblaze when he was with Mothtail, and had Blazespark and Windbreeze as their kits.
We got back to camp alright, and Hiveclaw and Blazespark immediately came to greet us.
"Hi Emberblaze! Hi Windbreeze!" Blazespark greeted eagerly.
"Hi Silverdusk," Hiveclaw meowed, a little more shyly. "How was battle practice?"
"Oh, Silverdusk totally demolished everyone," Windbreeze bragged for me. Hiveclaw frowned at him and Emberblaze and Blazespark elbowed him at the same time. Blazespark grinned at Emberblaze, who didn't crack a smile.
"What's up with him?" Hiveclaw asked when we were away from them.
I shrugged. "Suddenly revealing hidden feelings for me. It doesn't matter. I'm yours, and I'd never have it any other way."
Hiveclaw smiled, moving in to cuddle me. I moved away. "I will not be cuddled," I meowed, in my haughtiest voice possible. Hiveclaw just grinned, but he let me have some personal space.
"Despite your ... snark," he meowed, "I'll still consider you one of the nicest cats I've met."
"One of them?" I asked idly.
"The others being Starrynight and Honeybee," He told me. I heaved an inward sigh of relief. "Dogspring is ... nice, but not the you know ... nice."
"That doesn't make sense," I said with a laugh.
Hiveclaw shrugged. He shrugged, like that, for the next ten seconds. I raised my eyebrows at him.
"What's with the continuous shrugging?"
"Nothing," he said defensively, but he was grinning.
"Are you going to fight the rogues?" I asked him. "You haven't really been coming to the practice sessions."
"I don't know," Hiveclaw confessed. "I don't really want to, honestly. I know Starrynight, Dogspring and Honeybee aren't fighting. Why do you have to fight?"
I faced him with a determined stare. "It's my destiny."
Hiveclaw sighed, staring at the ground once more. He evidently didn't like the prospect of me being in danger, but hey, we were in danger every day. I'd even risked my life for him once.
"So ... you are fighting?" Hiveclaw finally asked in a small voice.
I nodded crisply. "No changing it."
He sighed, again. "If you're fighting, I have to fight too."
"You don't need to," I told him softly.
Hiveclaw only sighed again.