"andromeda"
by weyes blood
" runnin' from my own life now
i'm really turnin' some time
looking up to the sky
for something i may never find
...
if you think you can save me
i dare you to try
...
we all want something new
but can't seem to follow through
something's better than nothing
or so that i thought
now i know it's just one dream
all these others gonna tear me apart
...
crazy guy
i think this is deep
think it's meant to be
more than anything i can think of
i'm ready to try
...
let me in if i break
and be quiet if i shatter
gettin' tired of looking
you know i hate the game
don't wanna waste any more time
you know i been holdin' out
love is calling
it's time to give to you
something you can hold onto
i dare you to try "
｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
season 4, episode 1
a change is gonna come
｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
it had been 17 days since eleanor had last been in the hospital, it had been 17 days since what would've been cristina's wedding, and it had been 17 days since everyone but george had found out they passed their intern exams and would be becoming residents.
alex and eleanor had spent the majority of the last 17 days together. the break was nice, and much needed.
she had enjoyed the time she was able to spend with alex away from the hospital, but with all the free time to think, her mind began to wander into darker places.
eleanor had spent so long resenting mark and addison, even alex at some points, too, that she forgot what it felt like not to be angry. she'd been doing well for a while, she'd let go of that anger and it seemed like it was helping. but now, every time she felt bad, she didn't have anyone to blame. she was just stuck with it. and she didn't know how to deal with that any other way than hating someone for it. except now, that someone was herself.
it was hard being so angry all of the time, but it was even harder having nowhere to place it except on yourself.
because what do you even do?
someone asks you how you are, and you say you're shitty and they ask why and you say what? i don't know? no reason?
you say you hate yourself and they ask you why. i don't know? no reason?
because you don't know the reason yourself, and you certainly don't know what to do or say.
and so you can't talk about it, because all people will do is tell you that you're great and you just can't bare to hear it.
so you just lie all the time, and that makes everything even worse.
you have 17 days off from work that you get to spend with your amazing boyfriend that you love.
but the thought of how much you hate yourself is in the back of your mind the whole time.
that was where eleanor was at.
she hoped that now that they were all back to work, the distractions would fill her mind and drown out those lingering feelings, but that didn't exactly feel promising.
she was happy to officially be a resident and have her very own interns to torture, though. or at least she was trying to be happy about it.
the thing was, she was always trying, it just wasn't always working.
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"i hate them." cristina said.
"you don't hate them. you hate you." meredith said. eleanor could definitely relate to that one.
"that was hideous. i feel like a fraud." izzie said.
"really? i thought it was kind of fun. i'm not sure i've ever had anyone actually be scared of me before." eleanor said.
"well, i rocked it. i think i'm the new nazi." alex added.
"oh, you are not the new nazi." cristina argued.
"yeah, sorry, i love you, but you can't be the new nazi because you're an actual white guy. if people started calling you that, i think i'd have to break up with you." eleanor joked.
"meredith. i need to talk to you." george said as he walked up to the group of 5.
"george. hi." izzie said.
"hey." he replied.
"how was your vacation?" izzie asked.
"um, fine." he answered. "um, meredith, can we--"
"'cause mine was... i didn't do much. i hung out alone. actually, i mostly third-wheeled alex and eleanor which is arguably worse than being alone. for 17 days. which is the last time that i saw you. the day of cristina's wedding, which was... well... then mer and cristina went on cristina's honeymoon without me and left me to third-wheel like previously mentioned."
"okay, we aren't in middle school it's not third wheeling it's called being friends, iz." eleanor scoffed.
"why is everyone so tingly and hurt? i mean, i'm the one who was left at the altar." cristina asked, to which she received some concerned glances. "i'm fine, by the way. i honeymooned in hawaii and i snorkeled."
"what'd you do george?" izzie asked.
"um, meredith. i really need to talk to you." george said, for like the 12th time.
"uh, hey, you want to know--hey, um, this is for residents only. no interns." cristina said, as the interns flooded into the tunnels.
"yeah." meredith said.
"yeah, get outta here." izzie jumped in, being overly mean in a clearly fake way. eleanor couldn't help but laugh.
"babies." alex added.
"yeah, c'mon, shoo." eleanor joined.
"007s in training."
"seriously."
"i guess i should be going, too."
"no, george. we didn't mean you!" meredith called out.
"nah, i'm an intern!" george replied with fake enthusiasm.
"uh, is this how it's gonna be all year? because bambi has got to learn to deal." cristina asked.
"at least he came back." izzie said.
"yeah, i wouldn't have." eleanor shrugged.
"cut him some slack." meredith said.
"dude, he failed his exam and got left back in kindergarten." alex said.
"mhm." cristina agreed.
"i mean, how did he even fail? he had callie. i just... i don't know how that happened." eleanor sighed.
"he won't even look at me." izzie said.
"who cares? he's got bigger issues. just let it go, iz, he's probably just embarrassed about the exam." eleanor told her.
"have you seen burke?" meredith asked cristina quietly.
"no." she answered. "have you seen derek?" she asked.
"no." meredith answered.
"wait, you haven't seen either of them since the wedding?" izzie asked.
"nope." they answered in unison.
"and you're both fine?" eleanor asked.
"yep." they answered in unison.
"wow. you're either incredibly healthy or completely messed up." izzie said.
"oh, they're completely messed up." eleanor assured.
｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
alex approached cristina who sat in the tunnels by herself. "i filled this entire bag with coins from my patients stomach today." he said.
"no kidding?" cristina replied lowly. alex noted her expression and sat down next to her.
"i think eleanor's about ready to push me away again. she thinks that i can't tell, but i can, and she does it again and again. she leaves me all the time, even when she's sitting right next to me. she's not even gone, but i miss her. i know it's not the same, but..." he told her.
"i miss burke."
"want some money?" he offered. cristina smiled and took the bag of change.
"you know... for what it's worth," she started. "she really does love you." cristina assured.
"yeah, i don't doubt that part." alex sighed. "but love only means so much. she's got love, but nothing else to give. she keeps saying that she's trying, but nothing ever changes."
"maybe love isn't enough." cristina sighed. "i mean, look at burke and i, meredith and derek, you and elle... we're all messed up."
"nice pep talk, yang."
"your fault for coming to the girl who got left at the alter for a pep talk, karev."
"good point."
"you guys seem happy, though." cristina pointed out.
"well, you and burke seemed happy, too."
"good point."
"i don't know." alex shrugged. "i don't know what the hell i'm supposed to do."
"me neither, evil spawn. me neither."
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"hey," eleanor smiled as alex walked into her room. "how was your day?"
"it was fine." he nodded. "yours?" he asked.
"the same." she nodded back.
"yeah?" he asked, skeptical.
"yeah." she nodded again. it was mostly true, it was fine. dealing with the new interns was enough distraction to not think about the rest of it.
she was trying, she was really trying.
he wondered if all of this was worth it.
he wanted to say, "you have to give me something more than 'yeah' and 'fine'." but he didn't.
she wanted to be able to give him something more than that. more than anything else, she wanted to be able to give him that. but she just couldn't.
they didn't say anything else the rest of the night, they both just climbed into eleanor's bed and he held her, as if she was a vase that might shatter and she couldn't sleep as she thought about how the glass might cut him if she did break.
authors note,,,,,
the way i literally lied when i said s4 would be mostly happy (oops)
i PROMISE (probably) s5 will be better but in the meantime, i am back to being evil.
made a playlist of songs for chapter titles for s4... it's not looking good folks!
anyway, i am sorry i am so inconsistent with this book, i used to be sooo much better about updating but, oh well.
anyway, eleanor + therapy when? girl needs it LOL
also thanks for 80k reads??? literally wtf that is insane to me haha