I knew it was my fucking fault.
Ever since we got off the plane in Japan for our separate cars, things have shifted between Max and I. A week in country and not a single night together yet. I know I wasn't the sweetest to his Dad but honestly I think that was well called for.
No matter because I'm still being iced out.
He didn't place well, didn't even have a podium today. The entire paddock is abuzz about it and if this will be the start of Max's downfall. He won't say it, but we both know it. Max said he didn't believe in bad luck and I don't know the man to be a coward so I'm fucking fighting with my rational mind to take him at his word.
His word that doesn't match his actions.
At least Japan is beautiful.
The city sparkles at night, so I wear some too with my bravest smile and say hello to all my friends at the party after arriving alone. Pasting on a grin like I'm not on the edge of the knife.
I've spoken to the girls about it but non of us can get a read of Max lately. He's withdrawn from everyone including myself. Hell he's not even at the party.
He may not show at all.
The girls say it's just a phase and there's nothing to worry about. Maybe he's just too focused on racing or dealing with things after traveling home.
My heart knows differently.
When he walks in the room I don't have to look to know. My heart starts to pitter patter a little faster, my throat goes dry and I know he's near. Immediately my body stills unsure of what to do.
Fight or flight and all that shit.
Hence why I now need a swift exit, "I'm dying for a smoke. Grab you when I'm done?" I squeeze Elsa's arm and beeline for the porch. She gives me a knowing look but doesn't dare try and stop me.
She knows I'm hurting.
Just as well as she knows why.
We don't need to say it. Escaping to some solace for a bit I drop into a chair pulling out my favorite form of stress relief.
The second the door clicks open again behind me I know I made a mistake.
"Evening beautiful." Max drops down into the chair across from me instead of the one beside me like he'd usually pick. He studies me and the second our eyes connect I sense something is off.
"Long time no see." I say, but we don't hug. Don't even attempt to touch.
"I think we should talk." He says, a swift change of topic. He looks away from me and his entire demeanor changes. He's stiff, pulling on the back of his neck.
"Okay." I exhale the smoke and watch it float into the air, waiting to see how this shakes out.
Something tell's me I'm not going to like how this conversation ends.
"We haven't been serious have we?"
Immediately the air seeps from my lungs, making it harder to breath with each second that goes by. This only goes one of two ways from here and we both know it. "Would you say we have?"
"I don't know." He looks so calm, cool and collected it's concerning. Annoying.
I.
Don't.
Know.
He doesn't know.
How could it be anything else?
He's become my world these last few weeks.
Too surprised to speak, dread swirls in my stomach because I know this is going nowhere good and fast. It's everything I can do to keep from wincing.
"Right," He swallows "So I was talking to my Dad and this thing between us... needs to stop. It's distracting me, and I have to put my career first."
He was talking to his Dad?
That's the excuse we are going with?
Distraction?
I fidget, "What exactly am I doing wrong that is distracting you?"
I know what a breakup you are unsure of sounds like it, and this is exactly it. Not that it's a breakup... but it's certainly not nothing.
"I'm just trying to be honest with you." He sighs.
"Honest with me about how your Dad feels or how you feel?" Arms crossed, not sure how to feel just yet with so many emotions racing through my body.
"I still really to be friends." I don't miss that he doesn't answer my direction question. Doesn't even meet my eye. Sitting across from me like a completely different Max Verstappen than the one I knew only last weekend. That Max Verstappen was caring, driven, soft and confident. This Max is a new man who is cool, unsure, unfeeling and indifferent.
The second I hear his answer I know which emotion to run with.
Anger.
White hot rage shoots up my spine. Frustration ripples through my body and I stand to turn on my heel, headed back to the party but he grabs my waist and tugs me around to face him.
"Why are you leaving?" He looks confused as hell.
Nice. That makes two of us.
"Oh, is there something else you want to say?" My voice dripping with sarcasm.
"I'm really, really sorry Cat." It shouldn't, but the way my frustrated demeanor is only making him softer towards me only pisses me off more. "This just can't work. You and me."
His name a question on my lips, "What the actual fuck?" My voice rises of its own volition. It feels like I don't have control of my own mind. The frustration running away with me. The anger at myself that I let this happen. Let someone in so close, even so publicly so soon only to be rejected.
"It's not you." He shrugs and I swallow. It damn hurts to do so.
"This is because of how you've been placing isn't it?"
"Don't go there." He says, so I reach for his arm but he pulls away from me. There's no use in fighting. As much as I want to his actions are telling me the decision was made before he ever walked out here. Before the day even started probably.
Double ouch.
Rolling my eyes in frustration I force myself to remain as level as I can when inside feels like a powder keg pushed too close to a raging bonfire. "I can't believe you avoid me all week, and then have this conversation with me at a party. Shows a lot how much I matter to you."
My angry words a hidden prayer for him to show me he cares. Crack the hard shell he keeps on to protect him from the world just the tiniest bit for me like he has so many times.
Damn, did he ever feel anything for me?
Fight flashes across his face like lightning, gone as quickly as it came. "You have no idea how much you matter to me."
Funny how his words don't match his actions. "Then why don't you prove it to me right now?" Hating myself for continuing to beg him to choose me, my heart won't allow me to be silent.
"I don't know how.." He admits, and I know he means every word leaving his lips "I did try, you know? Dad always told me you can't have a happy woman and happy results, and he was right. A formula one driver is all I've ever wanted to be and I've been off lately. This has to come first." Even now when things are the most tense between us it's ever been he doesn't raise his voice. Doesn't thunder down in disapproval, or raise his hand in frustration. He's still soft and gentle with me as ever.
Soft be damned I want him to show me some feeling right now. Show me he cares, that he doesn't want to walk away from me. To tell me he changed his mind because life without me is meaningless.
But this isn't a movie.
He isn't doing that.
This is real life.
Am I even awake? Clouds block the stars and make the sky feel small and too close. Paralyzed by the weight of the moment, I pause. "This is about what your dad thinks, not your seat on the grid." Mustering up the last of my strength. I'm dying for him to see me. To see my point.
He's frustrated, "What would you have done?"
"I would have told him to fuck off." Voice firm even in a losing battle.
"Bullshit," He laughs, "That's not how you landed yourself here."
Wow.
The truth in his words stings so I issue some painful truth of my own. "You're a coward."
Nothing more to say, I go join the party. Yuki is hosting since we're in Japan and everyone is so much more relaxed at house parties like this than the club.
It's probably the safety in nothing you can unwind in a place no other person there is interested in documenting or leaking to the press anything juicy that occurs. Nah, everyone here has each others backs.
My lips tremble and I don't look back, my throat tight and threatening with tears.
I will not cry.
I will not fucking do it.
I watch the realization cement in his eyes. Looking into those eyes I've bared my soul to it suddenly feels like too much to talk it through anymore.
Before I know it I'm in the door and down the stairs. Practically running to the nearest drink and friend I can locate. I have to away from him to breathe before I lose my nerve.
He doesn't bother trying to stop me. The ache begins before I've reached my brother. By the time I get table, I can't feel anything.
This feels like shell shock.
I'm not fully present as I join the party, hoping into the massive game of Never Have I ever happening in the living room. There's a drink in front of Lance beside me and I take it, downing it at once.
It's funny how nothing and everything has changed all at once. Still at a party with my friends, still no Max at my side but this time I feel hollowed out. Like I'm walking in slow motion. Like if someone poked me a little too hard I could shatter into a million broken pieces.
Around the table, our friends are playing a game of never have I ever. And in the game of chance of life, the seat I choose makes it my turn to pick a never have I first. Max sits at the same table picking a spot next to Charles opposite of me.
I'm fucking boiling.
Absolutely simmering by the time it is my turn, I only have a split second to decide. And so I decide to choose fucking violence. I want to see Max squirm because he is one of the most jealous men I've ever bee with and honestly I want to get back at him for what just happened.
For not picking me.
So let him see what it's like to share me.
"Never have I ever slept with the boss' kid." Locking eyes with Alonso.
I don't have to look, I can feel those icy blue eyes on me shifting with uncomfortableness.
Luckily Fernando is the type of guy who doesn't mind being pushed into mischief, especially after a few drinks. He drinks, but so do Charles so it's no big deal. Everyone here knows him well enough to know he's wild enough to have slept with his head lifeguard at age 16, always a ladies man from the time he had hair.
Lance shifts next to me, annoyed. "Tell me I'm wrong."
Without looking away from the Spaniard, I double down. "I don't know what you're talking about."
He doesn't have a chance to argue because the spotlight is back on him. His turn to play gives me a welcome reprieve from any further questions "Never have I ever..."
He's speaking but I can't hear anything for my heart racing in my ears.
He really doesn't want me anymore.
To be honest, I should have seen this coming. I guess I thought out connection was stronger than it was... or is. I don't fucking know. I know without him I'm no good. I know I'm hurting. I know I wish he would have picked me over his father.
As my mind spirals I smile, pretending like I'm not walking on the edge of an emotional knife.
You know who seems totally fine?
Max.
Unbothered.
If anything, maybe a tiny smidge jealous.
The one thing he does not seem at all is sad. Regretful. Nope, no traces of heart break in his eyes.
Let him settle with his decision then.
Because I'm choking down the heart break with vodka.
I manage it as long I possibly can until I notice Fernando making a swift exit, a good call. My gut tells me I should do the same. While there is a quick break in the game for his goodbyes I rise without a word to break for the day. Let everyone assume I'm headed for the loo or the bar for all I care.
Time for me to be anywhere he isn't.
Dumping me at a party? Not very classy dude. Avoiding me all week? Even less classy. Maybe I don't even want a man who can't own how he feels about me. Can't pick me for the weight of his fathers opinion.
As for me, I started dating men my father hated as soon as I was old enough.
Obviously not everyone is capable of the same.
Ugh.
Amelia tugs my arm before I go, pulling me in fr a hug. Not a word about our conversation with Max between us yet but the way she holds me tells me she knows. "You alright?"
"No. I've got to get out of here." Forcing out a laugh so I don't cry.
"I'm sorry," she says. "He's not a bad guy. Hell, he may even love you. Do you want company?"
He may even love me? She said the words so casually, so flippantly as if she is sure they are fact.
"Love me?" My throat closes up to the point of suffocation.
Amelia lets out a breath. "Poor choice of words." Nights like this remind me that whatever else happens, I'm so glad I came on this journey to find such lovely friends for life, heartbreak aside. "He'll come crawling back. What can I do for you?" She's so warm it makes me want to cry.
I wouldn't put money on such a dramatic change of heart.
It'd done with a nail in the coffin.
He decided.
My phone buzzes my car's arrival, showing her the illuminated screen I squeeze her arm in a farewell "Nothing, I'm alright. I'll call you tomorrow - Much love!" I promise.
"Ciao amore." With a little wave from my friend I head for the door.
Finally, out of here.
I may have spoke too soon.
Arms crossed, Max stops me in the hallway on the way to my car. "Are you leaving with him?" The way he's standing with his jaw clench makes his biceps bulge a little and impossible to tear my eyes away from him.
I'm very alone, but don't fucking push me after what happened between us tonight. "What is it to you?" I ask, annoyed.
"You know why I care," He drops his arms and walls all at once "This is fucking petty. Please don't do this. Give me a chance to explain."
"So you can try and make yourself feel better?" No.
Just because he drops his walls doesn't mean I'll just dump mine. I mean what the hell is wrong with him? He cuts things off with me and expects everything to be chill same night?
No.
Fucking.
Way.
He sighs frustrated, "Don't run away."
"I'm right here. The only one who is running, is you." My words are biting, landing so hard on him he slumps his shoulders in surrender and readjusts to let me pass.
So I walk away without another word.
If he wanted to stop me, he could.
He doesn't want to.
So he doesn't.
Shoulders back I hold my head high the entire time, carrying myself like I'm not holding it in until I can collapse into my bed with a puddle of tears.
It shouldn't mean so much.
I lived my whole damn life with Max.
A few months as friends and suddenly I don't know how to function right without him.
I've forgotten what it was like to not know him.
No matter, it was over quicker than it even started. Feeling absolutely numb I sit in the back of the car and pay the guy to drive around the block for nearly an hour before I work up the strength to stand in my own two legs again.
At some point he drops me off and I head inside.
Alone.
Again.