A/N: Implied SA
Wooyoung
Weeks went by as I adjusted to studying at my dorm or the library. It mostly sucked whenever Mingi tried to come back with Yunho and Jongho and I had to leave. Also it sucked because all I had was ramen at the dorm so it wasn't like we could really eat.
Though true to Mingi fashion, while I was in class he called me and said he forgot something at Jongho's house. After like ten minutes of arguing I finally agreed and headed over to Jongho's house.
I was caught between hoping that San wouldn't be there and praying that he'd be the one to answer the door. In which I got my answer when I knocked on the door, feeling out of place all over again but for a different reason this time.
And there he was, looking fucking incredible as always and it made me slightly annoyed how anyone could look that good so casually.
"Wooyoung?" He asked. "What are you doing here?"
Good question.
It had been weeks, last time I saw him was the morning after the party. We had no classes together and so it was pretty much an impossibility to run into him unless I did it deliberately.
And despite having not seen him for weeks...it did nothing to kill my existing crush on him. I was sure nothing could at this point. I'd probably be buried, in my coffin, six feet under and think about Choi San.
"Um, Mingi said that he left something here and asked if I could get it. Is Jongho home?" I asked. Feeling awkward again. Why?! Why was I always so awkward around him?! Did I have to have alcohol or weed in my system to not feel embarrassed?
"Uh, no. He's still at soccer practice. Do you want to wait or...?" He asked.
"No, no I'll just get it really quick and be gone." San moved to the side and I walked in. "Thanks." I said. He opened his mouth to say something else but I was already going up the stairs to Jongho's room. Jongho's room wasn't the cleanest but it wasn't bad enough where I would miss the books Mingi was talking about.
So after five minutes of not finding anything I finally messaged him, asking where the fuck they were.
Mingi: Oh right. Sorry about that. I forgot to tell you that Yunho dropped by earlier and picked them up for me. It's a good thing you didn't get all the way over there.
But...but I did. I did get all the way over here and now I was standing in Jongho's room...with no excuse.
I called Mingi, feeling annoyed as fuck. How could he forget to tell me?!
He answered almost immediately. "Dude, what the actual fuck?! I'm literally here in his room."
"Sorry, I thought I told you. What's the big deal? It's not like you'd be standing over there awkwardly, being forced to make small talk with San or anything like that." It was silent for a couple of seconds as I seethed. "Unless you are and that would be hilarious."
"Mingi...I'm going to kill you. Brutally. In your sleep." I whispered under my breath.
"Is everything okay?" I heard San's voice behind me.
"I guess that's my que to leave. Uh...anyway thanks."
Murder...I could get away with murder. It couldn't be that difficult.
The line ended and I put my phone away. "Uh yeah...don't worry. Found it!" I pulled out the only thing I had in my pocket which was one stick of gum before hiding it again. "So...thanks for letting me in."
"Mingi asked you to find his stick of gum?" He asked, doubtfully.
"It's his favorite kind." I lied.
"Ah...okay." He chuckled lightly, giving me a strange look and I wanted to curl up in a ball and die.
"Yeah. I'll get going." I walked past him to head down the stairs, swearing at myself internally. Why...why? Just why?
"Wait Wooyoung, can we talk?" He asked, stopping me.
"Yes of course!" I knew I sounded a bit too eager so my cheeks heated in response.
He left for a second and I stood there a bit confused until he came back with my clothes. Oh shit...that's where they fucking went!
I smiled at him, grabbing my clothes. "Oh my god, you're a lifesaver! Thank you! God, I'm so stupid, of course they were here. I've been looking everywhere for them!" I didn't have much clothes in general so the loss was pretty apparent, "Shit, I still have your clothes!"
"Don't worry about that, just get them back to me whenever."
I sighed in relief, grinning. "Thank you! I really needed them back."
He stared at me for a moment before clearing his throat, "Also I wanted to apologize. For last time...in case I made you uncomfortable or anything."
I frowned, my brows knitting together. "Why would I have been uncomfortable?" I thought I made him uncomfortable? Why was he apologizing to me?
"I guess I was worried for nothing. Are you hungry? I could make you something to eat?" He asked. I was about to reject the offer, knowing I shouldn't even really be around him but my stomach betrayed me, audibly growling. Really? At the worst possible timing?
I mean, I guess it had been growling all day and I was ignoring it but couldn't it take a fucking hint and shut up for once?
He chuckled, smiling at me. He had the prettiest eye smile and a dimple poked out in his cheek. "I'll take that as a yes. Come on, I'll find something."
I could stare at his smile forever but that would just be downright creepy so I decided against it.
He offered me a seat which I gladly took and I watched him as he rolled up his sleeves, rummaging through the fridge as he looked through the leftovers to heat up. "Is there anything you don't like?" He asked.
"No, I'm usually fine with anything. Though I don't like cucumber." I said.
"Are you allergic?" He asked, pulling food out to heat up.
I shook my head, "No, I just don't like it."
He nodded, a small smile playing on his lips. "I'll keep that in mind."
My heart did one of those stupid flips whenever San did anything like this. It didn't happen often but it just reminded me how fucked I was.
"So how do you know Hongjoong?" San asked, starting a conversation.
"Oh, I guess we kinda grew up around each other. Same neighborhood and all." More like same motel with our rooms right next to each other.
San frowned when hearing that but nodded, "You guys seem pretty close."
"He's like a brother to me, we parted ways after I went to college so seeing him again was nice. How do you know him?" I asked.
"We were in the same major until he dropped out because he was offered a job as a producer. He put me under his wing and taught me everything he knew." He looked a bit nostalgic as he talked about the memories, smiling.
"That sounds like him. He has a soft spot for people like that even if he'd never admit it."
"He's a great guy."
I wondered if San knew much about Joong's past. If he knew that his past was a bit shady. I wonder if he'd trust him like he does now. I wonder if he'd be here with me now if he knew about my own past.
The conversation continued on, both of us eating together casually.
"So that's why Jongho and you made that promise?" I asked. "Because he kept losing friends?"
San stopped for a second, looking at me like he was wondering if he should say something. "Um...not exactly. Beforehand I had already backed off a bit. It wasn't until..." His lips pushed out into a pout as he considered his words.
"You can tell me. I'm not going to judge." I said, turning my attention back to my food so he didn't feel my eyes on him.
"Jongho became friends with this one girl and decided to help her with something. At the time he didn't know she liked me, and I didn't know either obviously. I was hanging out with Joong that night and had a bit too much to drink, which is why I don't usually drink anymore. And apparently she told Jongho that she was going to the bathroom, but..." He was silent for a minute and I looked up slightly, to see him lost in the memory.
I felt my skin crawl at what was being implied.
"Anyway...it's not like I remembered much of it so. That's why we made the promise though."
"You didn't deserve that. You going through what you did...it matters, San."
He chewed on his lip, "I know. Sometimes I guess I just don't like feeling like it matters. Sometimes I wish it didn't because maybe...maybe it'd be easier to accept."
"I don't think it would be. I think it'd be more painful." I said.
"I should probably go before Jongho comes home." I said, standing up.
"Why?" San asked, looking a bit confused.
"He just wants to study at my dorm now, is all." I said.
An expression flashed on his face but was unreadable so I didn't push it any further. "Thanks for lunch."
"Of course. If you ever need something to eat, I'll be here."
My smile faded a bit as I stared at him, feeling a bit uncomfortable. Did I come off as desperate? "I'm fine." I said, leaving before I could say anything else. I heard him call my name as I left but I just ignored it. Did it seem like I was using him? Did it show how much I needed food?
I was walking back to my dorm since I didn't have transportation, plus it wasn't the type of neighborhood that needed busses since everyone here own a car or two but I ended up smashing right into someone.
Right, because I needed to make my day any worse.
"Oh my god! I'm so sorry! I should've watched where I was going-" I looked up but I recognized him. Where did I know him? "Oh um...Wooyoung!" He pointed at me like he was also struggling to put a face to a name. He must've seen the question on my face because he smiled. "I'm Seonghwa, we met briefly at the party. Your a friend of Hongjoong's, right?"
He was right, we did meet at the party but I didn't remember exchanging names. Though I was pretty out of it so maybe we did. "Yeah, we're friends. How do you know Hongjoong?"
I could've sworn his ears turned red but before I could think too much about it, he answered. "We became friends through San. Are you guys close?" He asked and I nodded. "Wow, really? He's always seemed like such a huge mystery to me."
I chuckled, "Yeah, he can be. He's a bit reserved is all."
Silence fell on us as it was pretty clear that Seonghwa wanted to ask something but stopped himself.
"Do you want to get coffee and talk or something?" I asked. I had money for coffee, I was sure.
"Um sure, there's a Starbucks somewhere around here." Seonghwa looked around where we were standing like the building would make itself known to him.
Too expensive.
"It's fine, I know of a coffee shop. Come on." I said, hanging off his arm while I directed us elsewhere.
"So what do you want to know?" I asked after we got our coffee. The coffee here was really cheap but that didn't mean it was bad. It was just a really small shop so it wasn't that busy around this time.
Seonghwa laughed nervously, his hands wrapped around the mug that I was pretty sure was 1% coffee. "I don't mean to pry, I was just curious."
"Of Hongjoong?" I asked. "That's fair, he can be pretty difficult to understand. What do you want to know?" Of course there were things I wouldn't talk about, but despite Hongjoong being pretty reserved, he was an open book. He truly didn't care about people talking about him or finding out anything about him.
"Just...what's he like with you? What's his hobbies? Is he dating anyone?"
Oh.
Okay, that made much more sense now. I smiled, finding him cute with how flustered he seemed. "Other than weed? He likes producing or rapping. He likes clothes a lot, he's reformed a lot of his previous clothing and he's really good at it. And I guess...we're pretty close. I mean it had been a couple of years since we saw each other but he's like a brother to me. I hung out with him more than my own family, really."
"Wow, he does seem to have a really good fashion sense." He said but he didn't look that satisfied.
I fought off my smile, "I don't think he's dating anyone. I doubt it anyway."
"Why?" He asked, becoming attentive.
"He's ace." I said simply. "He doesn't usually date because of that. Not a lot of people understand." As I was talking about it, I could see Seonghwa's confusion and I realized he might of been one of the people who didn't understand. "He doesn't feel sexual attraction." Still nothing. "He doesn't want to bone someone because of their looks." I tried to clarify and I watched as deep red splashed on his cheeks.
"Is he okay with you talking about this?" He asked.
I shrugged, "Yeah, pretty much. He's fine with me telling people about it since I actually know a thing or two, he got tired of having to explain it all to people. It can be a bit difficult finding the difference between people who are genuinely curious and people who are just assholes. It can be difficult talking about your own sexuality in general."
"I understand." Seonghwa said, leaning back in his chair. "Do you mind...explaining it to me? I guess I'm pretty ignorant."
I waved my hand, "Unless you do research in a bunch of different stuff, not many people do. I did because Hongjoong was my friend. And I'm fine with it. What do you want to know?"
He looked a bit lost, like he didn't know where to start. "So I can't relate, because I'm gay." I envied how easily he admitted that.
"Well if you're gay, you aren't attracted to women." I said, "Like no matter how you were raised or how you feel, you aren't attracted to them. So it's just like that but he's not attracted to anyone."
"So no sex?" He asked.
I leaned back, considering. "Uh...depends. Some asexuals are sex repulsed, some just simply don't want it, and some are more accepting to the idea of having sex. I think Hongjoong is the one who is more accepting of the idea. I mean, you don't have to find someone physically attractive to want sex. People still have urges, he still has urges. Just...nothing really triggers them like it would for you or me. There's a lot of types of attraction anyway. Familial, platonic, sexual, romantic, aesthetic, sensual."
"Right...can you-"
I laughed, smiling at him. "Yes. So familial is a family attraction. Usually the type you have for your relatives, or maybe some friends. Platonic is like friendships and everything. Sexual is of course...sexual. Romantic is also self explanatory. Aesthetic is kinda like beauty. You can see a girl and see that they are genuinely beautiful, but you don't want to sleep with them, you know? And then sensual is more like affection. That's the dumbed down version anyway. There are a lot of kinds that are different with every relationship. Joong just so happens to not have the sexual attraction. But he's not a repulsed asexual so he's fine with the concept. He's actually pretty open to the conversation because it doesn't make him flustered or anything."
"Like I remember we had a conversation about sex and we just talked about it for ten minutes before I had to stop because it was getting very personal, and he looked a bit confused. Because for him, it's just a normal conversation. Like it doesn't impact him in any way. He actually is pretty happy with it, he says it doesn't make things messy and he can handle a lot of situations without getting uncomfortable." I continued.
"So they still have urges then?" Seonghwa asked.
"Yeah of course, everyone does. Not as often because if you're sexually attracted to someone, it triggers those feelings. So it happens pretty rarely for him. Though I must admit, when I looked into it, it seemed pretty difficult. Because sex is like 90% mental, right? It's like your mind that is really turning you on, not just the pleasure. I think it'd be pretty hard to get off if you didn't have any images in your mind." I had been in my own thoughts that I didn't realize how red Seonghwa had gotten. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
"No, it's fine. I want to learn, it's just...interesting. I don't know if that's the right word but it's just unique." He gave me a reassuring smile that made me laugh. "So, what did you mean with the whole being open to sex?"
"Right. So some people are sex repulsed which means that even it being mentioned can make them uncomfortable. Some are indifferent so they don't care if it gets brought up, but they don't have any intention of having sex ever. And some are sex positive. So even if they feel no attraction, they're open to the idea of having sex. I think Joong is in between indifferent and sex positive. He told me that he'd be willing but he doesn't have any plans or anything. He's pretty chill, he doesn't seem to care too much. I mean he still finds people attractive, but more in a beautiful way. He's also fine with affection..." I paused. "Well, not really. But that's not an ace thing, that's just him not liking affection. Plus platonic attraction isn't less important than sexual or romantic attraction."
"Does he not feel romantic attraction?" Seonghwa asked.
"I think he does. Being aro can be a bit more difficult to find out than being ace. Like after a while it can become pretty clear that you don't want to fuck anyone. But being aro...a lot of people don't always know the difference between platonic and romantic attraction. They just assume they are romantically into someone if they love and care about them, and they sleep together. Which isn't true. As far as I know, he's alloromantic." I saw the question on his face. "like you, you have a regular amount of romantic attraction, right?"
"Right." He said, sure of himself.
I wish I was like him.
"I think that's why he comes off so reserved as he does. It can get annoying after awhile." I said, feeling the same. Even if I wasn't ace, I understood how annoying it could get with people always prying on your sexuality.
"So, how should I be around him then?" He asked.
"I mean...I guess the same. Just treat him like you did before. He doesn't get uncomfortable with questions or sex talk or whatever. I guess, just don't ask him if he's sexually attracted to anyone." I chuckled. "Cause he's obviously not."
"Does he have a crush on anyone?" Seonghwa suddenly asked.
Well, at least he didn't seem deterred after the asexual talk.
"I don't know. Though, it can be a bit tricky to have a crush on him." I piqued his interest. "Joong can be a bit jealous and possessive. Just a healthy amount. If you're into him, he pushes and pulls a lot. Like some kind of game. He has a lot of walls up, so I think he likes seeing if someone can climb them. I think he just likes feeling secured in his relationships. He likes knowing that someone isn't going to ditch him. Which is why he doesn't usually date because most people during this time, don't exactly want commitment to the level Joong likes."
"Have you and him..."
I laughed louder than I should've, dumbfounding Seonghwa. "Sorry. Sorry, um no. I might have had a platonic crush on him for a while, but that's it. We figured pretty early on that we weren't each other's types."
"So you like guys too, then?" Seonghwa asked and I felt myself tense up.
"No. No, I don't." I lied. Too many people already knew. My mom couldn't find out and the more people knew, the more likely she'd find out.
"Oh." He looked slightly disappointed but relieved at the same time. "For someone who is straight, you're pretty open to learning all of this stuff."
Yes, as a straight male...
"He's my friend. He should know someone has his back and he doesn't have to worry." I shrugged. "It's the least I can do."
"Thank you for explaining things. I've done research on some things because of my friends but I never really thought of doing any of asexuality. I didn't really know I had a friend who was ace. Is he really not going to get upset at you for telling me this?"
"Joong doesn't get bothered by stuff like that. He's comfortable in who he is." I said. "Honestly, he'd probably appreciate you trying to learn. Saves him the trouble."
We ended that conversation there but I decided to talk to him about things in general. He was really nice to talk to. Very soft spoken and sweet, not to mention he was drop dead beautiful. We left the café and I had my arm slung around his shoulder but he didn't seem to mind.