♥
I'm back sitting with Layla after Nate helped me pluck up the courage to take an early therapy session. I'm not sure if I can call it early when I missed one a few days ago but it was needed.
My conversation with Nate helped my wolf to relax. To listen to his voice and the honesty behind his words. I won't forget the way his body melted around mine, holding me tight and reminding me that I'm not alone.
Everett and Reign coming up to speak to me only made me want to hide away forever, but as soon as Nate arrived, I couldn't keep it in anymore. I crumbled against him and let everything out.
I could see the shock on Everett's face when we went downstairs together a few hours later. Nate wasn't smug about what he achieved, all he cared about was helping me to get better and face my demons head on.
As soon as I was showered and up, I headed straight to Layla for a session. Nate said he'd leave and give me some time with her and my family, not that I wanted him to go. I definitely needed alone time with them, that's what I realised.
"So how have you been feeling, Milo?"
I pick at the corner of the chair, waves of nausea hitting my sternum. "Not good," I admit, my throat feeling like razor blades.
"Would you like to elaborate on why you feel that way?"
My lips press into a thin line and I can't meet her eyes. "I-I," the word becomes stuck on my tongue. "I masturbated in a public restroom the other day."
"Okay," Layla leans forward. "Did something trigger you?"
"Yes," I nod. "My mate."
"Please explain more."
I take down the largest breath I can and glance over at my therapist. She's offering me a small smile to continue, that I shouldn't be embarrassed. This is a safe space and opening up will help in the future.
"I went to meet Nate at the park, he was training with a few members of his pack. But when I saw him, he was shirtless and sweaty," I pause and try not to think about how he made me feel at that moment in time. Now is not the time to magically grow a boner. "I've never seen him without a shirt and it was a sight. He was wrestling with his friend and this need, desperation of lust and arousal got the better of me. It was like an alarm going off in my head and the only way to silence it was to release myself. I've never felt so ashamed."
"You shouldn't feel ashamed, Milo," she shakes her head. "This is your journey with addiction and if you thought that it was going to be plain sailing the whole way through, then you're mistaken. Of course you're going to come across hurdles which are hard to pass but it's about learning, it's about using those coping mechanisms to help if a situation like this ever happens again."
I clench my eyes shut. "Nate knew, he could smell my arousal off me."
"And how did he react?"
For a moment I pause. "He reacted fine." I admit. "He wasn't angry or upset with me."
"Why did you think he'd be upset with you?"
I shrug. "Because it's disgusting."
Layla frowns. "Do you believe that masturbation or any other sexual activity is disgusting?"
"Maybe."
"Why?"
My elbow leans on the arm of the chair and I prop my head against it. "Because having a sex addiction is stereotyped as disgusting, dirty, and sloppy. I went to some grotty bathroom in the park and masturbated, I'm pretty sure that's illegal."
Layla leans forward again. "Milo," she grabs my attention. "You're right, sex addictions are stereotyped. But that's the thing, they're stereotypes. Having sex doesn't mean you're disgusting or dirty, masturbating doesn't mean those things either. Society might have something to say about those acts, but sexual need and desire are natural."
I snort. "Yeah, but what I have isn't natural. Wanting to fuck and orgasm all the time isn't natural. It's downright disgusting."
"But that still doesn't make you disgusting," she clarifies and then studies my expression. "You've been saying that word a lot, has it got to do with something someone has said to you?"
A sigh leaves my lips and I stay silent. My stomach churns and I've been trying to block out the words that left Nate's mouth the day we met. How venomous they sounded.
"Yeah," I whisper after a while.
"Who?"
My throat closes up because I don't know if I want to address this right now, but if I don't, I'll leave this room feeling tense and unsettled.
"Nate," I find myself admitting. "When we met and he saw me with another guy, he told me to get my disgusting hands off him. I guess it's stuck with me ever since."
"And did you tell him how that made you feel?"
I simply nod, trying to calm my breathing.
"And what did he say?"
"He apologised and said that he didn't mean what he said, he was upset."
"Does he know about your addiction?"
"I told him, yes."
Layla analyses me for a moment before crossing her legs. "Did he react the way you expected?"
My head is shaking before she even finishes the question. "No, I thought he was going to reject me and tell me to leave him alone. But he didn't. He listened, he told me that he wanted to be with me. I don't understand why."
The room falls to silence for a few moments and my mouth twitches, a question desperate on my lips. She waits as she can see I'm wanting to ask something.
"Is there any hope for people with addictions to be in a monogamous relationship?"
"Of course there is, Milo." She bows her head. "You are capable of being in a loving, monogamous relationship with your mate as much as anyone else can be."
My heart quakes in my chest. "But what if I hurt him?"
"Okay," she nods. "Let's imagine a hypothetical situation. You and Nate are happy together, but one day you go off and end up with another wolf."
I wince at the thought. It almost turns me inside out from pure agony.
"How would Nate react?"
My eyes blink rapidly. "He'd be heartbroken, he'd never want to be with me again."
"And that thought scares you?"
"Terrifies me." I clarify.
"Then use that as an affirmation or a declaration to yourself that you won't go and let your addiction win," she speaks with sheer determination. "The thought of seeing Nate hurt, or broken by your actions, use that as a statement to yourself that you can do this. That you can live a happy life with Nate, not having to worry about committing adultery."
My heart bleeds into my chest. "If I hurt him, I'd–"
Layla watches me carefully. "You'd what?"
"Never be able to live with myself and the destruction I've caused."
"As much as you want to do this for Nate, do it for yourself Milo. I know you want to be happy but somewhere deep inside you, you think that you don't deserve it." She speaks so gently that my eyes begin to sting. "You are in control of your life, remind yourself daily what you want from it. Have you been focusing on your coping mechanisms?"
I shake my head. "Not as well as I could be."
"Okay, well let's refresh our memories with them and see how they could have been applied to the day at the park with Nate."
My lungs inhale a big breath and I tell myself to focus, I should do this. For myself.
♥
After my session I head to the kitchen where Fran is making food, I greet her, along with Everett and Reign. I inhale the smell of the meal cooking on the stove. It's been so long since I had something decent to eat and I know I need to get some nutrition down me.
"How are you feeling?" Reign asks as I perch on the stool.
I nod as Fran plates up for me and I nod. "Okay, my session with Layla helped."
Everett leans onto the counter beside me. "I'm pleased Nate could get you out of bed."
"Yeah," I mumble. "Me too."
Reign's hand places on my shoulder and I glance at her as I reach for my fork. "You know we care about you so much, right?"
I swallow down my dry throat. "Of course. I'm sorry for how I acted, I just had a bad day and it spiralled. I'm sorry for talking to you like that, and you Everett."
"It's okay," she assures me. "It's okay to have bad days, we just want to be there to support you."
"I don't want to feel like a burden," I admit and take a mouthful of the paella in front of me.
Everett shakes his head. "You are never a burden. I will keep saying it until you believe it. Don't you think that we all have down days? You don't need to push yourself away and deal with it alone, that is what family is for."
"We want you to be happy," Reign says quietly
"I know," I nod because I do know.
They care about me. They care so deep and it makes me feel guilty for acting so immature. They deserve better than this mess of a man but I guess I'm the only person who can sort that out, I have to be better in the future.
"Are things with you and Nate good?"
"Yeah," I say instantly. Because they are. "I felt better after speaking to him."
Reign smiles and rests her head on her fist. "That's what mates are for, to remind us that things will be okay in the end. I'm glad you have him, even if we're not your first point of call, I'm glad you have him. He really, really cares about you."
My heart warms at her statement. "I know he does. He's been really supportive since finding out about my addiction."
"As he should be," Everett nods. "It doesn't define you."
I finish eating up my meal as I subtly try and change the subject. I've had far too much mental stimulation today with all my thoughts and feelings. I need a break. Everett excuses himself to his office but not before he gives me a hug and whispers in my ear, "I wouldn't change a thing about you."
My eyes water at his words.
Fran cleans up the kitchen as I turn to Reign. "Want to go for a run?"
She nods eagerly. "Yes, most definitely."
We head out into the woodland behind our house and shift into our wolves. Boy is it good to stretch out my limbs, I knew they were seizing up from staying in the same position for days on end.
I really am sorry for making you cry. I tell her as we wizz through the trees.
I'm just an emotional mess. Seeing you sad makes me sad. But I understand. I used to say horrible things all the time because I wanted to deflect how I feel.
My paws grind into the dirt as I allow my heart rate to increase and for my wolf to enjoy this moment with nature. It's been a long time coming and I have Nate to thank for getting me out of my depressive state.
I don't know what I did to deserve a friend and a sister like you.
We halt against the ground and we stop by a huge clearing. She stares back at me with those crystal eyes, even though her wolf is small, she's extremely mighty and the best Luna we could ever wish for.
I don't know what I did to deserve a friend and a brother like you either.
My wolf smiles back at her and I curve my back and stretch, allowing the bones to crack loudly. Nate is a really good man. I say to her.
I know. She nods. He came here because he was worried about you.
Guilt rides in my stomach, remembering how I shut him out for days.
I want to be the best mate I can possibly be.
Then just be you. He wouldn't want you to be anyone else.
At the thought of Nate being in my bed earlier, I feel my hairs stand on end. I miss him already. I want him in my bed again. Not once did my mind flicker to the idea of doing other things with him, I just wanted him there to hold me.
And maybe that's a step forward.
Because I've grown an emotional connection to him, not a sexual one.
Layla might be right, I can be capable of being in a relationship through the bonds I make without the desire for sex. It might be what I needed to settle this addiction and crave something else that isn't a high from climaxing.
I want to get that high from spending quality time with him, getting to know him.
That puts a genuine smile on my face and it's the first time in months where I have thought positively about everything.
♥ ♥ ♥
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Author's Note
All hail Nate for helping Milo get out of his depressive state!!
Also that talk with Layla❤️ he really needed to hear all those things
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