"Visiting time is over." Teddy says. I hold Hannah's hand tighter and shake my head, kissing the back of it. I've put her rings back on and I kiss them, hoping she opens her eyes. She's off the ventilator, breathing well on her own, but I need more.
"No, she hasn't woken up yet." I say.
"You heard Damien." Teddy says. "It might take another day. She was malnourished and sleep deprived before the accident. It plays a part."
"No, she hasn't woken up yet." I repeat, standing to kiss her forehead, brushing her hair back. It's been washed, thankfully, and is back to being so soft. "You can wake up, Hannah." I whisper. "It's safe. I'll keep you safe, remember?"
"Thomas." Teddy says softly. Her tone making me frown.
"Shh." I frown at her.
"You think she'll want to wake up with you here?" She asks and folds her arms. "You did everything in your power to crush her spirit you ass."
"You don't know what was happening between us." I tell her firmly.
"You two." A nurse scolds. "Argue outside of my ward or you'll both be banned." She warns ferociously. I kiss Hannah again and Teddy and I stomp out.
"I can and will fire you if you don't leave me alone. I love her. I will be here for her." I tell Teddy firmly.
"You were cheating on her." She says like I am an idiot. "Why don't you fire the person you were cheating on her with instead of the person who was actually there for your wife while you made her so unhappy she basically only went home when forced." She spits and storms off. To be fair, she has a point.
I convene the board and a couple lawyers as well as the head of HR. We meet in the board room at the top floor, and I pick at the grain of the wood on the table as I wait for everyone to arrive.
"Thomas, my sweet boy, you shouldn't be working." My mum says, last to join us. "How's Hannah?" She asks.
"Off the vent. Still not awake." I say and look down. "I called you all here because I need to fire Eva Vegas." I tell them.
"On what grounds?" One of the lawyers asks.
"I have been seeing her, sleeping with her since boxing day." I tell her, too tired to make it sound better. "No proper grounds, I know. But she has to go."
"Thomas." My mum sighs with disappointment. "No." She whispers.
"She is out of this hospital as soon as possible." I say firmly. "How do we make it happen?"
We settle on a huge severance package. Basically offering her whatever she wants to go. At least they deem it unethical of me to make the call. I just sit in as the head of HR makes the call. She leaves if we give her a lump sum of one year of pay. And I nod, letting them take it from my own salary. I get a flash of pride, that I made it happen quickly, and as the board room empties, I block Eva everywhere I can on my phone.
"Thomas." My mum says, reaching over, stroking my hair like Hannah used to. "What happened? I assume Hannah was actually telling the truth when she said those things last month. About not wanting kids."
"It's complicated." I tell her.
"I have all day." She says and I look at her, seeing my mum for the first time in years. Not drunk, not grief-stricken, she's actually my mum right now. I really need her; I need my mum right now.
"I lied, when I said I was seeing someone in London." I tell her, my eyes watering. "So when you told me you'd give me a hospital if I got married, I asked her, because she was my best friend. And I loved her like a best friend."
"No." She whispers, understanding what she did.
"I made her sign all of this stuff, offered her money and anything I could think of to sweeten the deal. She just asked for holidays for us both and a car in her name. The rest she just, let me give her really. She said, she married me, not for the things, or the hospital. But she married me, for me. She even asked to give some of the things back." I breathe out shakily. "I made her promise not to fall in love with me. It was my biggest rule. It was in our contract and everything."
"But she did love you." My mum says. I nod gently and I take a breath.
"She told me a few days before I told you that we fell out because of the kids thing." I nod. "I shouted at her. Then I filled her rota up. I made her sign her share of the hospital over to me. Mum, she left a Christmas present at my door, and I kicked it away. I only opened it yesterday. My shoeprint was still on it." I tell her.
"Thomas." She whimpers.
"I did this to her." I cry, falling forward into her arms. She shushes me and runs her hand through my hair, kissing the top of my head.
"Why would you not let her love you? Love is such a beautiful thing." I hear her whisper.
"Because it killed Anne." I tell her. "It scared me too much. It felt like a betrayal." I try to explain. "I love her, mum. But all I've done is hurt her. She saw me with Eva, and she packed a bag and was on her way somewhere west when she got in the accident. I put her in here."
"No." She whispers, kissing my forehead. "No, it doesn't count, you didn't do it on purpose."
"Didn't I?" I ask. "When I was angry and stuff, I wanted to hurt her. Like she hurt me. She hurt me by loving me. How ridiculous is that?" I ask. I go back to crying and she goes back to shushing and soothing me. I cry for so long I don't know what to do. That's when my body gives in and I fall asleep on my mum's shoulder, waking up in her guest room at three in the morning. Probably sleep walking into her car. The last time I did that was at Anne's funeral.
"Hannah." I mumble as I wake up.
"No." My mum says gently.
"Hannah." I say, getting out of bed, putting my shoes on.
"She's not there anymore." She adds as I grab her keys.
"What?" I ask, frowning as I glare softly.
"She woke up. Requested to be moved to another hospital. She was moved an hour ago." She says and takes a deep breath. "She requested that you don't know where. I'm not allowed to know either. They know I'd help you."
"No." I say, falling on my knees. "No I need to tell her I love her. She doesn't know." I say and I begin to hyperventilate. "She doesn't know mum. She doesn't know I love her."
My mum gives me one of her diazepam pills so I can calm down, both of us scared about me ending up like my sister. I am broken enough. Maybe my heart will break along with my soul. The diazepam sends me to sleep, and I wake up in hospital myself, needing fluids and cardiac monitoring.
"You have very high blood pressure." My doctor says as I wake up.
"I do?" I ask.
"Doesn't look like you have done any damage, must be new. Any new stresses in your life?" He asks. I stare up at the ceiling and I sigh.
"Nothing I don't deserve." I say simply.
I get discharged with a sick note, being told to take at least a month off of work to work though things. I have to go in weekly for monitoring and while my blood pressure does go down, I become less of a person.
I move into my mother's place, my dad looking after me when he is home so my mum can work, but she looks after me too. She makes sure I eat, and she runs me baths because I feel too much like a pile of dog shit to shower. She keeps her comments about my growing beard to herself, she even brushes it for me, trimming it when it impacts my eating, which I only do for her.
"You have to try to get better, Thomas. She wouldn't want you to live like this." My mum says as I get my third month of sick leave signed off. At this rate, I doubt I'll operate again. Hannah was my last. And that's how it should be.
"If you want me to move out, I will." I shrug.
"No, you can't take care of yourself." She says firmly.
"Then stop spouting shit." I mumble. "She hates me, like she should."
"You don't know that." My mum says softly, brushing my hair back with her fingers. "She just doesn't know how you feel. You never got to tell her. She is wherever she is, and she doesn't know you love her. Even if she does end up hating you, and throws things at you, and never wants to see you again, shouldn't she know that at least she is loved?"
"I can't hurt her again." I breathe out, the familiar feeling of tears welling up in my eyes making me groan. "I just want to stop crying." I grumble in frustration. My eyes are sore from all the tears, and I have never been so dehydrated in my life.
"Thomas, you keep crying because the wrong person is wiping away those tears." My mum says, making me whimper and speed walk to the bathroom. I shower for the first time, needing to be in control of the water. I blast it hot and cold to ground myself. I can't rely on benzos anymore. I can't keep going like this. I have to find her, even if it kills me.
I shave and I get a haircut before I go back to the hospital. I still have access to the rota, so I know who is on shift. I walk to the general surgery handover room, and everyone stares at me like I'm a ghost, which I probably should be.
"Teddy?" I ask gently. She nods and stands, coming out of the room where I pull her to the side, and we can chat. "Have you heard from her?" I ask her gently.
"Not for two and a half months. When she was discharged from St Vic's." She says sympathetically. "I think anything or anyone from here is too much for her."
"Do you have any idea where she is?" I ask.
"I heard she went back to England, but that's just a rumour." She says, and I nod softly. "You look like you got pulled out of hell backwards then got a haircut."
"If it wasn't for my mum I'd probably be dead. Which just makes me feel worse. Because Hannah had to do it alone." I mumble. She shakes her head softly and looks down.
"She had the OR. She really came alive in there." She says softly. "And she wasn't terrified that you were dead. She had us, too, and hope. I think you hurt enough."
"You? You hate me." I say, surprised at her words.
"I hate what you did to her." She says. "But you also saved her life. You also have suffered. Wishing anything more on you would ruin my karma. She was exhausted from her rota, but she kept her distance from you, so she wasn't horrendously in pain. She could function if she could avoid you." She says, giving me something to smile a little bit at.
"Okay." I say softly.
"Even when she was miserable, she kept telling me about that little room in the hospital you used to work at. I'd try there. But I swear to god Thomas, if she calls me to rip me a new one for letting you know where she is I will find you and I will castrate you. No lidocaine." She warns me seriously. I just wrap my arms around her and spin her happily.
"Thank you." I say and skip out of the hospital, pressing my phone to my ear.
"Harvey." I hear a formal voice say happily.
"Harvey, It's Thomas. 44B." I tell him, he's the manager of Hannah and I's building in London. "I need a favour."
"Yes sir." He says.
"Has my wife been there by any chance?" I ask casually.
"She told me not to tell you." He says. "She reminds me weekly." He adds, making me smile.
"Big tip for you this Christmas Harvey." I say and hang up, booking my flight as I pack my bag. I don't care if she hits me, hates me. She can kill me, and I won't mind. She will know I love her. Or at least, she will hear the words come out of my mouth. Even if it kills me. It will be worth it.