The three stories I'm about to explain, all pertain to today, and the events that happened afterward.
The first happened when I was 4.
August 7th, 1994. The Sunday before I was set to start preschool.
There's a saying that 20, 30 years down the line, the only thing you will remember from something is how it made you feel.
I never have experienced that. I cling to every word like a popcorn kernel you can't quite unstick from your teeth. I store each and every thing I hear and see into my long term memory.
No, I don't have a photographic memory. I can't tell you what I had for lunch 3 weeks ago.
But I remember the important stuff.
My mother, father, and I walked into my pre-k orientation, (back when we were still a family) where for once the attention was on me. My mom saw the kids playing with trains and noticed there were no alphabets to be seen and turned on her heels to leave.
"Mommy, it's not done yet!" I yelled, pointing back in the building. They weren't listening. Instead, they were whispering amongst themselves, spelling some things out instead of saying them normally so I wouldn't understand.
They decided then and there that I'd skip to kindergarten.
I was young in my class, but I was smart so it was okay. My teacher had me tested for gifted based on my extreme acceleration. I got in.
It's not as cool as you might think, honestly.
They keep telling you from the time you need a step stool to see over the bathroom counter that you're special. You spend all that time worrying about what you need to be in order to live up to it all that you forget to be a kid.
I never got to be a child for a lot of reasons, but that one didn't help. I chose to look to the future, even though I didn't know what I would do then.
Until I did.
February 19th, 2003. Age 12. The day I learned how injustice feels.
I woke up that morning, I recall, excited about the new clothes I bought myself with my Christmas money at the mall- this was when those were still a place teenagers went to. Eve was as well. We had both went out with some friends the day before. Bought some stuff, then went to a movie. Totally harmless.
At this point, our parents had been divorced about 4 months. We were at our dad's house.
We went downstairs in our new outfits, gushing over how cute we were. (We were pretty cute back then. I didn't know it at the time but quite a few dudes definitely had the hots for middle school Leafy, looking back.) I had a cool new jacket that I couldn't stop playing with the zipper of. She wore a snazzy tank top, similar to the one I had on under my jacket. Not cropped or too small, but mature, especially compared to her old Claire's apparel. She looked chic in it. I grabbed a pop tart package, and offered to split it.
That was when dad walked in.
He looked pretty out of it. Still half asleep. He flicked on a light and all of our eyes shut tight as a shrew's.
But once his eyes opened and he saw what we wore, he said something that crossed the line.
"Eve, you're in eighth grade, why are you dressed like a skank? You might as well just go get knocked up." He didn't even look her in the eyes, he was so casual. It was like saying those vile words came easily to him.
I watched her take a shaky breath, and calm herself. "Sorry. I can change."
It was too late. Something ignited in me that had been sitting dormant for years. "No! Dad, no! You can't make her change when it's just like what I'm wearing. Look-" I paused to remove my jacket and show my tank. "See! No different!"
He examined me, no emotion visible behind his still tired eyes. "The difference is you don't make yourself look like a hoe."
Eve stared at her shoes, so I yelled for her. "How can you say that? Everyone says we look alike. There's no difference except that you feel like picking on her for whatever reason."
I'd never gotten in a fight with any parent before, but it didn't feel good. "Whatever! Quit arguing her case. You're not a fucking lawyer, Leafy!"
So I knew that I would be.
June 2nd, 2008. Age 17. My high school graduation.
Eve began her near annual tradition of running away from everything and everyone in 2006. So it wasn't that big of a surprise when she was gone that morning.
I was valedictorian. I was giving a speech.
I worked on it for weeks. I practiced and perfected it in the mirror. I read it for Tree like a million times. They all knew how important it was to me. How much effort I put in.
None of them came to my graduation. Neither mom nor dad. Not a single aunt, uncle, cousin, or grandparent set foot in that auditorium. Tree was the only one who showed up.
I guess I can't really blame them. A graduation isn't as important as a missing person.
But couldn't they have just watched my speech? My perfect, wonderful speech?
I guess I should be thanking them. I didn't have to fake the tears when I reached the emotional climax.
It's been a difficult 4 years. But with blood, sweat, and tears, we got there. Class of 2008, we're alive and well. Congratulations.
I had choked the whole thing out fighting back painful sobs.
When I told my mother I was bummed she couldn't make it, did she console me? Apologize? Give me a bear hug and tell me she knows it was wonderful? No. She said, "Well, we'll all be working for C students someday anyways."
I never knew someone could use so many words to say "You don't matter."
So I knew I'd have to do something that would.
Monday, February 20th, 2023.
One day.
I had just a single day until I turned 33 years old.
I was lost in thought in that particularly horrible way. When all your thoughts are of the nightmare you recall having, and the fact that nothing is permanent, and that nothing is ever going to actually be perfectly alright.
33. I thought birthdays would get less scary after I got through decade number three.
I thought wrong.
Time seems to be something on my mind a lot lately. Like, a lot, a lot. They say the closer you get to 40, the less likely you are to be able to ever have children.
Fair enough, I wasn't sure that was what I actually wanted, but at this point, I needed to choose. I used to be able to push it off and say "There's plenty of time!" But there isn't. Not anymore.
Children.
Grassy snapped me out of my depression spiral as we walked down the sidewalk to go to the studio. "Leafy, why the heck are you an emo today?" He asked, clearly in reference to my clothing choice.
It was early, but I still worried about some crazy finding and killing me or something, so I wore dark but inconspicuous attire. "I'm not emo, I'm just careful, Grass."
"I told you to stop calling me that."
My smile dropped. My little brother is so many things. He isn't, however, a liar. "Dang. I thought that was a phase. You were like 9 when you said that."
He rolled his eyes, and as the two of us crossed the threshold into the lobby of the building, I heard him mumble "A phase like your emo clothes."
We arrived at the building early because they had really good donuts, and I didn't want to be wandering through NYC in broad daylight.
In the lobby, a woman with a too-tight bun yelled at me from her desk. "There aren't kids allowed in this building without special approval for acting purposes. Is that kid an actor?"
Grassy piped up, rather inconveniently, "No, ma'am, I am not."
"Then you gotta leave."
I approached the woman, apologetic smile on my face. "I got pre-approval from my boss to let him watch us film."
She pursed her lips. "You couldn't have kept the little guy at home?"
"With all due respect, I am across the country from home."
Her bun seemed to be tugging at the edges of her eyes now as her forehead creased in anger. "Should've just left him with the baby daddy. Unless he's out of the picture."
Grassy, who tried to stand on his tip toes to appear more intimidating, cleared his throat. "That's not my mom, it's my sister." She began to speak, but he stopped her before her word fully formed. "And that's not an okay thing to say to someone. So, it'd be much appreciated if you took a second, thought about your actions, and pulled the stick out of your ass."
Cool as a cucumber, he went for the door.
Outside, I couldn't control my giggles. "Dude! That was awesome!"
He looked at his shoes. "Does that mean you won't tell mom I cursed?"
Silly. "I've said worse than that just today. It's the least I can do. Do you want to get some breakfast? Maybe pancakes?"
His cute hazel eyes went wide and shiny. "Yes! Very much yes!"
Over an incredible breakfast (This will be the only thing I miss about cities once I move somewhere little. The restaurant options.) we chatted about how his school was going and about how my show was going. It was all fun and games, until he asked the question I'd been dreading. "Leafy, how come you quit your fancy lawyer job? Did you start hating it or something?"
"It was a good fancy job, wasn't it?" I chewed a potato and reflected.
"I'm not the one who worked it."
I laughed. "I know, I know." I twisted my hair between my fingers. "It got too stressful. And it's been that way. I still want to be a lawyer, but someplace where there isn't so much pressure, you know?"
He burst out in laughter so hard he did a spit-take. "I'm in the sixth grade! Of course I know about wanting to get away from pressure! Pressure is my life." When I looked closer at his cute little face I did notice that his under eyes were puffy and painted dark. Poor guy.
Eventually, once it was close enough to showtime that I wouldn't have to wait in the lobby and see the bun lady's face, we returned to the building.
I made a straight shot for the elevator. It was empty, though rather annoyingly, a woman entered on the second floor. She looked like she might kill someone though so I didn't say anything until she left, long before my stop.
When Grassy and I entered, I expected to see people standing around talking. I always allowed the pleasant chatter to envelope me, calm me down.
But it wasn't like that today. Today it was almost dead silent. And I realized people were looking at me.
Well, me and the child beside me.
"Who's the kid?" Shouted one of them- Lollipop I think.
I smoothed my ponytail. "He's-"
"I'm Grassy!" His beaming smile was enough that I didn't want to scold him for interrupting.
(A/N: Jesus, Zeus, Ra, and any other deities! This took a looonnnggg time to write. This was supposed to be out LAST FRIDAY. Originally I was gonna come to a stopping point way earlier and just post like half of this chapter, but I figured it would be more of a disservice to y'all to have a very incomplete chapter than a very late one. Anyway. Sorry about the delay on this one. 1937 words. Song for the day: Royals- Lorde)