*SLIGHT MENTIONS OF THINGS TRIGGERING EMETOPHOBIA- NOT DESCRIPTIVE*
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SOUL SEARCHING IS what highschool's all about. At least for Natalia. She can't decipher whether she's doing the right or wrong thing anymore. All she can do is hope another girl doesn't kill themselves over her.
She's always anxious about what she's doing. Is it really the best idea to leave Clay alone when these times could be the most crucial times to have someone?
He has Ani, Natalia kept reminding herself. School had become nothing compared to the stress she felt for Clay. Not talking to him stirred another whirlwind of problems.
Natalia lay in bed almost on the verge of throwing up because of the anxiety she felt. She clutched her stomach and glanced up at the time.
"Fuck," Natalia groaned, shooting up to vomit. She went to her bathroom and let it all out.
She sunk to her knees, shaking at the stress her body went through. Flushing the toilet, she wiped her mouth and let out a shaky sigh.
"Natalia, get your ass down here you'll be late!"
Natalia jumped at the sound of her mother's voice. She swallowed and stood up immediately to brush her teeth. She'd have to get ready and push through. She had to.
✺ ✺ ✺
HER STOMACH PUMMELED itself as she sat silently in class. She clutched her stomach once again. Panic rushed over her as she watched Clay from afar. It's like she was spiraling. She swallowed and stood up. No vomit, just anxiety.
She was in class. It had some upperclassmen in it, so she wasn't entirely acquainted with anyone. The only time she spoke to someone was when she needed any help on an assignment.
She jotted down a couple notes and looked up at the board, copying notes when the overhead speaker went off.
"May I have your attention, please?" Bolan's voice asked over the speaker. "Moments ago, we received some extremely sad news from the Evergreen County Sheriff. Former Liberty student Bryce Walker was found this morning and has been confirmed dead."
Natalia paused her jotting. Her heart skipped a beat. The news was unmistakably clear. Bryce Walker was dead. She looked up dizzily. This had been something she selfishly dreamed of. Something she had once wanted. Bryce deserved to pay for what he did to her, but in the world they lived in it would be hard for him to pay the price.
She stopped paying attention after that. People talked, and some seemed genuinely upset and disturbed. Natalia just sat and stared right there.
When class was dismissed everything became a little less of a blur. Clay approached her despite her mean glare. He walked beside her for a moment in silence.
"Nat," he spoke softly trying to pull her out of her daze. She looked to him, eyes weak.
"Everyone's looking at me as if I should be skipping and holding hands with Jessica," Natalia mumbled as she walked beside him. He kept his softened gaze on Natalia, grabbing her hand gently.
"I'm not."
Natalia huffed and dropped his hand. "You're not forgiven. I've been high and dry."
"I'm in deep shit, Nat. You're not alone," Clay assured her his tone reflecting his mood. And it was not a good one.
"Fuck you, Clay. Go sniff Ani's ass or something. Christ," Natalia fumed. She was being mean intentionally, pushing him away to spiral further.
He scoffed and walked away. People eyed them, hearing their conversation. Embarrassed, Natalia's stomach began to churn again. This day was never ending.
✺ ✺ ✺
NATALIA CLOSED HERSELF in a bathroom stall and locked it, pressing her back against the door. A shaky sigh left her dry throat which yearned for water. Her chest ached and her hands trembled as she took off her backpack.
Sometimes these just hit her like a freight train. No human could control themselves entirely when the odds were stacked against them.
The eyes in the hallway, the whispering. It was all too much and for once Natalia couldn't close the floodgates. Her breath came in quick, now leaning against the side of the stall, her head resting on it.
Anxiety coursed her veins, her knees growing wobbly. Where was she going to be in the next week? Bed ridden due to the fact she can hardly leave her room without ripping at the seams?
She was seeing stars, gripping her stomach. A public bathroom was one of the nastiest places to be and yet she wanted to curl into a ball against the tile floor. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she slumped against the wall of the stall.
"You're okay," she tried to convince herself.
She was not. In all honesty, she was worried. For her, for Clay, for her friends. If a microscope was going to be placed among the school, she'd bet that her group of friends would be the first to look at.
Natalia wiped away her tears despite more incoming. She unzipped her backpack which only had a single notebook and pencil. The only other thing in there had been her biggest secret at the moment.
A mixtape sat in her hand. With her name spelled neatly on it. It almost felt like deja vu the way the girl cried as she held onto the tape. It was like she was listening to tape one all over.
The bathroom door opened causing Natalia to straighten up on the stall. Girls voices she did not recognize began to speak.
"I heard that she only hopped on Jessica's bandwagon because she was jealous," One girl said gossipy.
"Oh please, Grace. Natalia was getting it as much as Hannah. They're all lying sluts. Jessica and Natalia should just slit their wrists while they're ahead."
Natalia didn't know how to take these words, her hands found the lock immediately. She grabbed her bag from off of the floor and slung it over one shoulder. There had been a sink between the two girls.
Jhene Russo from third period seemed to be the culprit, her face flushing a violent shade of red under all of the makeup she had on.
Natalia turned on the sink and began washing her hands, looking at herself in the mirror. She'd been the perfect psychotic vision. Mascara ran down her pink cheeks and her lip gloss had been smudged. It was obvious what she'd been doing in the stall.
Jhene had her makeup pouch open, her makeup wipes visible. Natalia hummed snatching them out of the bag. Grace had blinked, frightened by how calm Natalia was given her recent antics.
She used the wipe to smother any runny makeup off her face. Jhene cleared her throat, hoping to get her pouch back. Natalia hummed when her face was clear of makeup.
Natalia threw the dirty makeup wipe in Jhene's face and the pack of wipes in Grace's.
They both yelped, but didn't do a damn thing. She just walked out untouched.
✺ ✺ ✺
NATALIA ATE THE only thing she could keep down, an apple. Her teeth broke through the flesh causing people who'd been talking to look at her. Her incident in the bathroom spread around the school quickly. Jhene whispered from the corner of the classroom, eyeing Natalia as if she'd won something.
Another large bite, and the teacher snapped their book onto the desk making everyone look up. Mr Jackson, her teacher, stood before them his face casting a sour look among them.
"Is there anything you'd like to add Natalia? his old bitter voice questioned. He was a very old fashioned teacher, she wouldn't be surprised if he tried to start snapping rulers on knuckles when they need to be punished.
"No," she answered with a mouth full of sweet ruby red apple. She swallowed and took another generous bite from her apple making his face curl into a smile.
"Have you made it your mission to disrupt the whole class? If so, you may take a trip to the office, but please, do not jeopardize your classmate's education on your behalf," his tone stayed calm, although his intent was clear as he began to scribble on a familiar pink slip with his black ballpoint pen.
Natalia chuckled and gathered her things, half-eaten apple in hand. Jhene laughed among her peers and sent her a smirk. It took everything in Natalia to not chuck the apple in her crooked face.
"Fuckin' fatass bitch," Jhene whispered making her circle laugh obnoxious. Natalia chuckled and looked over at Mr Jackson glancing up for a moment. He shook his head and continued filling things out.
Off to the office she went.
✺ ✺ ✺
A LUNCH DETENTION later, and Natalia wounded up with Justin scolding her. He'd also been in the office for whatever reason and witnessed what had happened. They walked silently through the vacant halls.
"What's up, Bex?" Justin quizzed, his hand clutching his backpack strap. Anxiety ridden, she let out a shaky breath. She held her tongue, and crossed her arms. "Clay told me about Monet's."
Natalia rolled her eyes and made her way to the exit. He gripped her wrist making her pause in her steps.
"What's wrong, Nat?" he asked so innocently.
Natalia could think about a couple thousand things bothering her. How she could only keep apples down, how her mind works faster than her body, how she's lost Clay, how she didn't have an alibi.
These things bombarded her once more. The empty hallway was not a place for this conversation, she realized this as her chest heaved, searching for air.
"Just leave me alone, 'kay?" Natalia sounded harder than she felt. In reality, she was as soft as baby shit, but Justin didn't need to know because then Clay would.
She walked away, Justin didn't attempt grabbing her. He watched her walk away with sorrow. She slowly drifted away from him, from all of them.
The whole world was shaken up and Natalia felt the ripples of the impact. Maybe it was selfish. Selfish for being an asshole to Justin, for avoiding Clay. It all felt so small in comparison with death.
Natalia walked down the hall until she had been on her third lap. Montgomery had passed her his eyes were full of greed and hunger as they met. She ignored his gaze.
She decided to go home.
All of these small things seemed to be adding up, building up the tension. Natalia felt like she'd eventually snap, but for now she walked over to her locker and found the water bottle she'd contemplated taking sips from all day.
She picked it up and swallowed a dry lump down her throat. Instead, she took a sip from her clear plastic water bottle.
The clear liquid stung her throat making her stifle a cough. She clenched her eyes shut as the liquid burned all the way down to her stomach.
Throughout the day, her anxiety calmed into a mellow puddle. She smiled at people in the hall and seemed happy. For once in her life, she felt alive. Something that seemed to be a forgotten, intangible memory.
She turned up her parents radio that she used occasionally for parties and giggled as she danced to the music. She felt good. She was good.
Her world dialed down and her mind had been numbed.
Natalia sunk onto the couch and snuggled into the cushions. She slowly melted into a world of zen, completely zen and unaware.
Just how she imagined death would be.